Delarocha Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Greetings again everyone. It's been a long time since my last post and I'm just having one of those days. I thought I'd wish everyone a happy holiday season and vent a bit for my own sanity. Well, I will finalize the end of my marriage this January according to the local courts. It's been almost a year since I first heard my soon to be ex-wife tell me, "we need help." shortly followed by, "I don't love you anymore." In fact as of tomorrow it will be exactly one year. At first I thought I would never feel anything but intense and constant pain. To be honest that feeling lasted months before it really started to get any better. Almost immediately I realized I did in fact need professional help to get through this painful period in my life, and have been continuing down that path since. I feel the antidepressants I was taking did help me at the time to simply function, but have since weened myself off of them. I have, however, continued to see my therapist every other week and I can't express how helpful it has been. This entire process has been the most odd mix of ups and downs I have ever personally experienced. Each day I spend learning more and more about myself and how I interact with those around me. I have in a many ways learned to appreciate the good things in my life. I find myself happy a lot of the time now, and not just constantly thinking about the past and worrying about the future. but... Getting these dissolution papers feels like having old wounds ripped open again and I'm sure the trip to the courthouse will be no walk in the park emotionally. I can say that I will always have love in my heart for my stbxw, however I am not "in love" with her anymore. Why then do I still cry from time to time?!? WHY, must I feel this constant fear of growing old alone... never finding that special someone I think we all had hoped we found. I don't have the answer to these questions yet. The only thing I know is that I want to be happy with myself and content with my life ALONE before I even consider sharing my life with anyone else. So, I know this in my heart and yet I long for something more. I don't WANT to "want to be with someone". I can recognize this as a BIG problem for me, and yet I don't understand why it's there or better yet how to deal with it. Well, won't go on and on about the same things... I may sound down, but life is finally starting to smell sweet again in many ways. I look back at who I was a year ago and I am almost unrecognizable both emotionally and physically (isn't the gym great)... and for THAT I suppose I should first thank myself and second thank my STBXW for being the catalyst. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I'm in very much the same time frame.. at 10 months now. We were able to make ot official at 6 months so the divorce is final. Emotionally though, I'm pretty much in the same spot that you are.. so I guess it's pretty normal for us to feel that way right now. Every once in a while it will still hit me with a surprise attack of the sads. I'll be fine, enjoying my day and something I can't explain must trigger it and i get a bit damp in the eyes for a few minutes just out of the blue but it passes pretty quickly. I wonder if I'll ever feel that way abou someone again... or if that particular kind of first love capability is just burned out... a one shot deal. Then I stop worrying about it and just assume it's a part of the healing process and one day I'll be happily surprised.. or not. Learning to be OK alone again has been important. Sounds like you're doing well.. keep it up things will work out... and like they've kept telling us here.. it just takes time. Nice avatar BTW.. I've had to aviod the Floyd this year though... a bit too depressing on top of it all.. and The Wall hits a bit close to home lol Running over the same old ground, what have we found? the same old fears...wish you were here Cause I have grown older and you have grown colder and nothing is very much fun anymore... okay I'll stop the lyric quoting now.. Link to post Share on other sites
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