16yrs-Confused Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 Okay, I dont know if this is where I should be? But, I am looking for answers and dont know who to turn too? I have been married for 16 yrs. I have 3 children (15/9/5). My marriage has been a roller coaster. My wife has wanted to leave several times and every time I have begged her to stay with me for the children and pleaded with her that I loved her. Which I believed I did? I admit I have my own faults, but I dont think they are horrible. I have suspected her of cheating on me in the past, but I had no solid proof; until recently. About 8 months ago, we were in a bar (both slightly intoxicated) and a girl who was apparently with a guy she had slept with, came up to us and started some crap with my wife about how she should tell me what she had done. Well, it finally came out! She admitted to having an affair and gave a half assed apology and said she was drunk and it was a mistake, she also admitted to a few other affairs (but now she denies those; saying she was drunk and doesnt remember what she was saying). I; again believing i truly loved this woman; tried to forget about it and go on with our lives. I suggest counciling, and my wife wants no part of it. I will admit she has changed her ways since that encounter. She does not go "out with the girls" any more and she has attended to more of my needs recently. Guilt??????????? I tried to go along as nothing happened, put it out of my mind. But, I couldnt! I have frequent nightmares of her cheating on me. One time on a trip out of town there was a friend (girl) that I know. We were out drinking with friends (not together) and I decided to try and "get even". Well, it didnt go all the way, I couldnt go through with it and she had issues with it, too. We did kiss and a little more, I will consider it "cheating" because it was more than I would have done with any other "girl" friend of mine. We decided to forget about it and pretend it didnt happen. Well, that didnt happen. Since we had that episode, we keep being drawn to each other over the last 3 months. We have been talking on the phone and seeing each other when we can (no sex, but we have kissed and petted), often, over the last 3 months. She has admitted to me that she has issues with me being married and feels bad, but I think she really wants to be with me. She has tried to call it quits several times, but, one of us will end up calling and screwing that up. She says that I need to make my marriage work "for the kids", and I understand that, but I feel I have tried in the past and I am unhappy with the results. I truly believe she(friend) wants to be with me; and I with her. But, I completly understand the "married" thing and needing to make a decision. I dont want this story to sound like a; should I leave my wife for this girl story? I am looking for answers to whether I should leave my wife or not? Even if this girl is the perfect (or percieved perfect) girl for me. My wife has always given me the story: She loves me; but she isnt "in" love with me. I never really understood that until now. I truly believe the table has turned. I believe I love my wife for being the mother of my children, but I am not "in" love with her any more. Does this make sense? I believe I have given more than enough effort to make this marriage work, and I truly believe it is over. Confused? What should I do? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Precious210 Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 Hello, I can understand your situation, b/c I has been in one similar, but not the same. If you are 100% sure that you and your wife are not inl ove with each other, then u both should get a divorce, because seeing this other person is just going to make it worse. If u keep seeing your friend, u will start having sex with her, and It could get pretty ugly. Be a man about it, and be honest with yourself. Don't cheat in your marriage, even if the other person did it. Do the right thing, and slow down with your friend, until u can make a decision about your marriage. If your wife loves you, but is not in love, then that means, that she's not loving you unconditionally to make her not cheat or hurt you. You might want to consider that relationship, because thats a bad statement to make. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but trust me, your friend has some issues too. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 What should I do? Resolve the marriage first, one way or the other. Break it off completely with the OW. Last thing you need... is to end a relationship with a woman of uncertain character and take up with another just like her. Both these women appear to lack respect for social boundaries. If it weren't for the kids, I believe I'd be telling you to dump them both just for the sake of expediency. But... you do have a family to think of. So, my recommendation would be to get into marriage counseling. You can call your health insurance company to see if you have any benefits that might apply. Once there... put ALL your cards up on the table. Insist that your wife do the same. Let her know up-front that if you catch her in one more lie, no matter how small, that it's GAME OVER. Hold yourself to the same level of accountability. Marriages can and do heal, even after infidelity... because people ARE capable of growing and changing. In many cases, the marriage becomes stronger than ever. You won't know if it can be fixed, 'til you commit yourself to the process though. And you can't do that when your attention is fixed upon a point outside the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona76 Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 Anyone who stays in a marriage because of the kids is cheating everyone. Nobody is happy here. At this point I can see that you could get custody of your children(if this is what you want) Are you asking our permision? This has gone on long enough. End it! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 As I posted in another thread... You don't "stay married for the kids", that's true. ....You make your marriage WORK for the kids. The positives of growing up in a two-parent functional home are myriad. So, unless there's NO POSSIBLE WAY of creating a functional model, IMO... you don't just cut and run. At the minimum, we owe it to our children to make EVERY effort before we throw in the towel. Kids don't get to pick their parents. They don't ask to be born. It's a parent's JOB to give them the best possible start in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 As I posted in another thread... You don't "stay married for the kids", that's true. ....You make your marriage WORK for the kids. The positives of growing up in a two-parent functional home are myriad. So, unless there's NO POSSIBLE WAY of creating a functional model, IMO... you don't just cut and run. At the minimum, we owe it to our children to make EVERY effort before we throw in the towel. Kids don't get to pick their parents. They don't ask to be born. It's a parent's JOB to give them the best possible start in life. Thank you saying that! A local couple I know got divorced, but are living together in the same house with the children. She's e even had a boyfriend or two? Why? Because the 12 year old son, and up and coming dirt bike racer (he's really that good ~ has a chance at being ranked nationally) told them: "You do what you have to do! But I need my Mama and Daddy everyday in the same house!" BTW? They've more or less have reconciled their differences. Link to post Share on other sites
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