why is she so angry?

[Randal602]

my recently seperated wife (2 months) has begun to show an amzing anger towards everything I do and say?...his is not your normal mad at something anger, it seems to run dep, if i ofer an explination or try to duscuss whys she is so angry, she says she dosent want my explination nor care how I feel about what she is angry about this time. She says all she cares about is how she feels about the situation.

 

Then any thing I do or say she accuse me of lying or trying to force her to do something. Now we can barely speak and the conversations start out angry. We did horrible for the first month, the things settled down....we started sleeping together again, (was a bad idea)

 

Now she says she wants a divorce, which is ok, (not that I want it)..it just seems that everything is clouded by this overwwhelming anger on her part...my questions are...is this normal during a breakup, is this something she will get over and see through, or does this mean it is over....

 

I have the papers ready, asked if she wanted to file now or wait a couple weeks? she says she doesnt care to her we are already divorced, then says it is ok to wait if I want to....

 

Then we can talk and she is horrible, if I try to defend or explaing anythig she just hangs up....I tried for a while calling back, but that just makes things worse, so now I wait,,,and this time she may be ice..or resentful from the very beginning...

 

and of course she says everything I say is a lie (mostly small stuff..like if the apers are gonna be ready at 3..but instead they dont show til 4)..or that I am out to screw her over...or scare her..or threaten her...is that the push/pull thing going on?

 

If i ask her to lunch..she says maybe..then gets furious with me if I say (to myself) screw it and don't call, then she will say she wants me to leave her alone, but then will show up at the house, but if I ask her whats going on, she gets even angrier

 

of couse we are at the stage that if I say something, its wrong, and my friends are idiots, )if i deffend them, she hangs up, leaves or ask me to leave) but if she says it, its right, no discussion and all her friends are brilliant (even the ones who she never realy liked)

 

It has gotten to where she is callin me names and being really negative..I tolerate it some..but then I get angry and hang up...

 

then there are the things she can never forgive me for..agian siple stuff..like something I said months ago...or did last year..now the list is up to four things....she thought I dated..which I didn't (was another person with a big groug...no date..didn't even know this person was gonna be there)..but she got embarressed at work...now its over cause she wil never forgive this one...my friends say she is looking for an excuse so I will be the bad guy here

 

she said I was a good husband..she was a bad wife..etc...but she is angry not

 

whats going on..should I give up?

 

(ps..I know she isn't seeing anyone...she is willing to show me any phone records....she moved close by..I can't leave my neighborood without seeing her house...we are mid 40's..our second marriage..my first ended with my ex having an affiar and I was done with it pretty quick)

[Randal602]

any help?,,,really confused

[Chrome Barracuda]

She's angry at herself isnt that obvious.

 

Anybody with that much anger has some issues that has nothing to do with you. and you should acknowledge that. She needs mental help and thus she should go and get some.

 

I dont know what else to tell you. Any affairs, secret cheating.

 

Anything that might be a reason for her behavior?

[lost4ever]

She is confused by her feelings, she is trying to block you out so she don't feel the pain. Most Seperations I see do end up going through this stage, It's best to have very limited contact (no going to lunch).....and stop the fighting. I don't know really what the fights are about (if I did I could arm chair IC all night )

[kobegirl]

she doesnt really trust you it sounds like , she wants to but she doesnt , maybe you hurt her emotionally at somepoint . . she probobly still cares about you but just doesnt want to feel the pain anymore. she is angry because she probobly doesnt believe that you are being genuine. she is in self preservation mode at this point. I dont know if you have a chance here. once a woman gets to that point it is hard to change her mind and it usually takes a while to develope that kind of anger .. she probobly lost trust /faith in you long time ago . I dont know your situation but that is what i am getting out of her behavior.

[brothermartin]

Hey man. I went through that after my break-up for about a month. My ex told me it was something she did before with past boyfriends. She said it was her way of coping with a breakup. I guess by making me almost hate her so I would'nt want her back, which sounds pretty f**king crazy to me. But what do I know, Im just a stupid man.

[Randal602]

I can give you an example of one of the things she is really angry about, her father passed last dec., they were very close, couple of months after the funeral, she was still felling low and I made the statement that there were other people who had been through this and that she was't the first one to lose a parent (I have lost both of mine, long time ago) and ask if she wanted to talk about it. She never has....and now she can never forgive me for what I said "you aren't the first person to lose a parent"....she said that was cruel and goes into her anger, shutdown stage....and says that is one of the things she can never forgive me for

 

She is at the same point with her daughter..they arent talking either..her daugther called her selfish and she reuses to talk to her also

 

what do u think?

[smokiejjj]

The anger sounds a lot like my wife. My wife is very insecure and thinks people dislike her and hate her. Is this like your wife ? My wife also seems really nice when out with a group of friends - but I think it is an act - because when alone with me she gets very angry all the time. My wife also grew up very spoiled and is used to having everything her way. Does any of this ring a bell ?

 

With my wife I bent over backwards - she goes to school and I work a 10 hour day yet I come home and cook dinner. My wife also refuses to go on medication for her anger - anger can be the result of low serotonin levels. As well if I try to talk it out with my wife she just gets angrier... dude this is tough.

 

Right now I have been talking to lawyers but have not filed yet.

[LakesideDream]

First, any kids?

 

If I had to guess, I would believe that the break-up isn't going the way your wife thought it would. That was my experiance. When I didn't let her know how broken hearted I was, when I put up a good show of trying to be "normal" and get along with my life, my ex became very angry with me.

 

Mind you, I was a total mess. I just butched up and tried to move ahead as best as I could.

 

Whether your wife will calm down and become rational is a toss up. She's hating on you as a coping mechinism. My suggestion, stop talking to her completely, don't talk to her, don't contact her, or take her calls. When (if) she does get through, or just shows up at your door, look at your watch a couple of times, look pensive, and say "Sorry, I've got plans" (which is female code for "I have a date") you are not female so she won't be sure what it means. Gaurentee'd though, it will make her think.

 

Your best bet overall is not to give her an outlet for her anger, ever, never, just be bemused and calm. Look like you don't understand anything that's happening, and are mildly disinterested.

 

Good luck, your situation is miserable, and I don't know words that would make you feel better.

[abeliever]

I thought I would put my two cents in.....

 

To me it sounds like she is angry with herself, possibly death of a parent, (people grieve differently) maybe she feel resentment parent left her etc. Maybe past things that has really bothered her are coming to surface? Anger is a mask for a lot of feelings. Sadness, hurt feelings, FEAR (most of all) maybe she is going thru the "I can't believe I'm here" syndrom? She could benefit from some counseling. Could you talk to a close friend of hers and have her suggest for you? Maybe she (friend) can give you some inside reasons (without betraying trusts) or maybe she can be a go between to keep the fights to a minimum or do you have a pastor?

 

If you love each other and this IS just a rough patch, do what you can to get her help. I would however, tell her under no circumstances will you tolerate being talked to in a manner of which displays being disrespected. Tell her if you are mad, sad, hurt, broken down fine as long as WE talk and respect each other we can work things out. But in no way will you disrespect her and you expect the same from her. Tell her you love her and what would be the next step to get help and let her decide. If she declines then you did all you can do. Walk away and file for divoce and you find happiness. This behavior is not acceptable and you should not tolerate it anymore.

 

Hope this helps.

abeliever

[Randal602]

we went to counceling a couple times, she refused to go back..I still go though, she said that the therapist coudn;t help her and that se didn't feel comfortable talking about her life to a stanger, she doesnt dicuss our relationship with her firends..al she says is that "im fine" when sked..is only when she gets angry does her emotion show....

 

She said two weeks ago that moving out was he biggest regret in her life, but now that she has movedshe isn't sure she can come back, then if she gets angry over something (like money),..she will yell "i guress u want me to fall flat on my face",..ot I guess I will have to move back...cause I can't make it...thenshe will show one moment of being vernerable then she goes back to angry...she doesnt want to talk to me or call her..so I ay ok..then we end up talking about her moving her stuff..tying to keep it simple, but if I don't want to do it he way..she gets pissed agian...I am not backing down anymore..let her get pissed..

 

Hey smokiejjj..bet my wife grew up more spoiled!!..she is quite bueatiful, has alwas goten by on her look, is overly critical of other peole, very high self esteem, no empathy for me, even her kids, etc, feels entitled to meterail things, the list goes on, is why I finally got tired of uting up with some of her crap, was fine when I did things for her and she appreicated them, but it got to where she made me feel like I owed everthing to her (not just material, but emotionaly as well) is when i set down and tred to talk about the stuf that was bothering me....(6 m onths ago)..since then it has been hell..wth her not willing to comromise at all, the argueing began, til it esclated with her moving out

 

I think she is mad at me for not putting up with her the way she was,and for asking her to compromise with me.....

 

I dot really want another divorce, I do love her, but I won't be miserable in order for her to be happy..

 

how bad is it?

[whichwayisup]

I think she is mad at me for not putting up with her the way she was,and for asking her to compromise with me.....

 

She's used to getting her way and now you're showing her that you aren't a push-over! It's pissing her off, as she is learning that she cannot walk all over you! Let her get pissed off - She needs to feel that disappointment and get used to things not always going HER way.

 

Back off abit more, let her 'miss' you and see what life will be like without you in it. When you're around her, act aloof and act like abit distant. Not meanly, or malciously, just enough (like you really couldn't be bothered either way) that she'll feel the consquences of her actions and choices.

[Randal602]

thanks for the reply..am trying to hold on to some hope..but is getting where I don't even want to talk to her now...I just want her stuff out of the house and to begin to move on....I have been through this before and I can feel the apathy growing in me...I am sure I will regret this at one point....

 

she asked me today to wait two weeks before filing....I had asked her several times if she wanted to wait, she always would say I dont care or do what you want (in her eyes we were already divorced....was her latest statement after being angry in the last week)....I asked again, and told her that if she didn't care then lets get it over with (thats when she asked to wait 2 weeks, when she saw I was really going to do it) ...but I still want her stuff gone....not sure if I sould wait or get it over with, I doubt two weeks will make a difference now,,but it seems everytime I get ready to move on...she backs ups a little

 

When I insisted she get her stuff out, she said she has no one to help her...(kinda of makes me feel better, knowing that she has alienated her friends and family also)...but then I don't want this negative kind of emotion to make me feel better..so I agreed she could just get her clothes and personal stuff and that we could wait and get the stuff in the attic and storage room later..now, I regret teling her that. I am not sure I can heal til everything is gone

 

Am I wrong for wanting her stuff out?....

(i will never be able to fully move on, seeing her stuff all the time, knowing there is a conversation still to come about it, even the stuff in the attic)

 

Should I wait two more weeks or get it over with?

(I am at the point I just want to get better, prolonging it will just put things off 2 more weeks..if I really thought there was a chance, I wouldn't mind waiting, maybe)

 

I went though all this with my first wife (15 years, and a child)....then she tried to come back 3 months later..we attempted to reconcile but I was too far gone by then. The reconcilation lasted about 3 months. The only difference is that my present wife not is not having an affair (that I know of)...so i don't know if there is too much damage done...

 

sorry for the rants, am just in that "numb" stage that I really don't give a c*** anymore what happens, but I still know intellucatully that working it out would be best....could use any advice...(am tryin not to bore my firends and family with all this drama).....

[Randal602]

whoops, double posted sorry

[Randal602]

update....need help...she told me yesterday that I should never have let her move out...that we would be fine now if I stopped her from levging 2 months ago.....then she told me she czn't see herself coming back...

 

then she gets angry....says at best we might met up in six months and work stuff out...if there is a spart...I say fine....and as a joke...say do you want me to call you tomorrow..she says yes..then calls me later to talk about her work...

 

I get her part of the filing fee, she gets mad saying I souldn't take her money, becuse I know she is broke....

 

I have the papers ready, she ask me to wait a week or two, but says nothing will change..she doesn't want to work on it right now....blah blah blah,

 

I have put ome distance between us, but then we talk half the time I am pretty strong, and things seem better, the other half I get week again and can feel her starting to walk all over me...(at least I see it now...and am stopping it)

should I go ahead and file....? not even tell her and say scrw it all or do I wait and see how things go.I know me, I can walk away...and doing full no contact will end in me giving up completly..or I can stay screwed up, and keep this crazynes up a bit longer

 

do you think there is a chance she will come around? ( i do still love her and it isn't past the point of no return for me yet)

 

any help/advice would be great...thanks

[smokiejjj]

She still has feelings for you. The point when you really, really have to worry is when she shows no emotion to you and is totally business like. Then it is pretty much over. But if she is angry at least there is some emotion there.

 

I think only you know if you should file or not. Everybody is different but you have to think to yourself a really hard question are you better with her or without her. Don't think short term - ofcourse emotionally you are worse off without her short term because of the pain of separation and loss of a friend. But you have to think a year from now and look at all the pros and cons. I mean day to day would you get along, would you have fun daily ? Do you have the same goals ? Do you agree about most things ? Is she easy going etc.

[Randal602]

generaly she is easy going, just lately she is just plain mean, not only to me, but to everyone,,,is why I keep thinking that she will pass though this, but I have enough manhood left, (and that part is growing everyday)...that I dont care anymore, if she was ugly only to me, I would take it personal and be done, but her comments run towards everyone, including her on kids (she hasn't spoken to her daughter in 6 weeks)..and she won't (is a pride thing)

 

..as I type this..i feel really pathetic, I know what I need to do...is just at 44..I want to be 80...on the front porch, with a long history with someone.........its not her, really, is the idea, but if hanging on to the idea gets us past this...then I know we were happy once...can we be agian..or do I start over?

 

we are in LC..and I get little or no validation from these conversations....I am really close to letting go...(a month ago, all I wanted to do was hear from her, now...i kinda dread it...) but she is my wife..i was raised to where I feel I should support her till there is no chance left

 

tonight ,when it came to money, (according to her) we are still married, (i won't giver her any, and she plays the guilt trip on me), but she still isn't ready to be together...

 

really confused, please advise?...am hanging on by a thread....when I see he, I don't see the womn i married, but I know..I can forgive, and would be better to rebuild us than to start over....

 

I went out tonight, flirted a little, felt good, but I won't go further untill I file......am stuck in that lonely, cant pursue anyone else....can't have my wife zone....really sucks right now....

 

 

but I stick myself in this zone, cause I'm not quite ready to file yet...

 

any help?..will listen to anyones advice.....?

[Randal602]

I finally got to the last straw and filed the papers today (bad part is I didn't want to) after she basically said she was done...I still asked her to wait, she didn't care, said she do whatever I wanted...when she called I told her I had filed, she acted like it was no big deal, said she was fine...

 

I told her why I had to file she said she understood, but showed no emotion (she did say she hated it, but was more like someone talking about a food they don't like)....anyway, she came over to get the last of her stuff, we of course got in a big fight, I tried to talk to her and she acted like a spoiled teenager, sloching, looking up and away, tapping her feet, playiing with objects on the table...when I asked her what she was doing, she was of course really smarta@@ in her replies and would sit up, say yes sir, sorry..but it was all an act....

 

finally I lost it and told her to leave...her response was, "see, this is why I moved out, look at how you talked to me"

 

course (like a wimp)....i call her and apologize for getting angry...she actually seems now, to start to show a little (not much) remorse....I was on my way to the store..she says to stop by for a minute if I want...(remember she lives close by)...we sit outside and talk...

 

I say again I am sorry for losing it...but it seems that little 45 minute ordeal was a micro-version of the last 4 monuths of our marriage...and ask her if she sees that everyone has their threshold, and will she acknowledge that she pushed me on purpose....she finally admitted that she did...and even that she had done that at the end of our marriage (course she left because I was angry and sullen..)....well I have claimed that I was angry and sullen because she was making no attempt to work on the marriage (catch 22)...

 

anyway, I fanilly bring up her constant anger...she of course blames me...then I ask her what she will do when her anger subsides...she says she doesn't know...that maybe once it is gone she can start to miss me...see the good times instead of the bad

 

we agree to take a full no contact break for two weeks, then meet back up and see if things are different...she if we could just start dating...back to where we tried to impress each other...go slow (my idea, I don't want her back unless we could work out our issues first)...she says she will use these two weeks trying to get those feelings back...and that she wants too..but isn't sure she can...)or that could be alot of BS...maybe her way of not having to own up to her resposibilities in our problems..out of sight and out of mind) I say I don't want false hope..(I will spend this time trying to move on, but I now have that nagging hope feelings in the back of my mind) but we agree that we will see what happens, but that I not stopping the divorce...I am tired off us using a divorce against each other evertime we disagree....(we have 30 days here to stop it)...if things work out we can remarry

 

my problem her is that I did this wth my first wife she agreed and the whole time she was having an affair...am leary of being hurt like this again ....am going to try and spend this time preparing for the true end

 

she still has not told anyone we are seperated, nor discussed her situation with a soul...says it is no ones business, not her co-workers nor our friends (I ran into one of her customers Monday..he is a good friend of ours...was our next door neighbor for a while..he asked about my wife..I told him we were seperated.for two months..he was shocked...he had seen her...5 or six times in the last month and she had never mentioned it...he called her and asked why she hadnt mentioned it..she said it was all her fault and things had changed since her father passed....is what I have claimed all along...course she siad I was crazy)

 

I still go to therapy....like having someone to help me process...course as soon as I get out she wants to know all that is said...I keep most of it to myself but if I mention anything negative...she gets angry and says I have no right to discuss her with anyone else...

 

...she still wears her ring and has said she will continue...(cause it's unique and she likes it as a piece of jewelry)

 

I am rambling a bit...sorry..any help?...i feel ok about filing...and 2 weeks of no contact (will be hard for me)....hope by then I will tell her no more..(or do I?)

 

got any advice? am I being played?

 

on a lighter note....she locked her keys in the car and the dealership woldn't give another key to anyone but me (car is in my name).....so I drive across town....get a key for $9.47...and take it to the shopping center she is stuck in...she says thank you and I mention the bill..she gets angry and refuses to pay...claiming that she would't have locked her keys in the car had it not been for talking to me on the phone and that it was my fault...and she knows Id go get a key for anyone...and that I don't need the money...she does...refuses to pay...but does offer me the new, spare key back...today I ask her again, if she is gonna pay me...she says no....she won't be able to eat lunch if she does... (my lawyer is my best friend, he suggested we could put it in the papers for some good humor later on?, that the courts would help me collect....but dang, I threw the bill away)...think I will just let this one go..

 

the point is...why does she resent me because I have some money and she doesn't...(she took the settlement I offered her to a lawyer..he told her to sign it before I changed my mind..)

 

why would I cling to hope here?..is it because I am lonely....afaid I can't find anyone else...or do I really love her?...I know that she has had a bad year...(father died, mom sold the house she grew up in and moved, son married and moved away, daugther married, didn't invite her, seperation...etc.) .and want her to heal.....and then see if she can be the person she used to be (and that person was no cake walk..but she did make me smile)...

 

my therapist asked which person is realy my wife...that given the way she has lived her life.(gaurded, never discussing things)..that this may be the real "her" coming out in the last year and that the "fake" one was who she was for our first three years...

 

her relationship before me..lasted exactly 4 and a half years....same as ours..

 

thanks for listening (reading)...any advice

[Randal602]

I filed the papers, am sick of her indesion, (haven't given her an ultimatum...I know what the answer will be)...am sick about it..now she wants to take a couple weeks to see if she can get those good feelings back.....she has openly agreed not to date..and said (for the first time) she will try to get these feelings back (we have 30 days to stop things)

 

I need to change insurance, bank stuff etc....but now I am wondering if I should wait...

 

I think she still loves me, she even agrred to read some things about the place we are right now (a big change for her)....so I took her a few pages of a book I had....we sent couple hours together.... no fights.. her statement was she'd rather be alone with no drama, then be married and argure...(of course, I don't want to sweep everything under the rug and go back into a relationship with poor communication...)..I am sick of fighting....I agee with her on this point...but would rather be in my marriage and not fight...guess I want it all?

 

I need to move on..but this little bit of hope is got me wondering i I am doing the right thng,,,, am tired of being stuck in this holding pattern...any help?

[redblack66]

Does anybody know: is anger somehow related to hormonal imbalance,

in particular if a person that is not usually angry becomes frequently angry over small things?

[Randal602]

its just the ups and downs....is she saying she wants to give it a couple more weeks just to let me down easy..cause anytime she gets pissed, all she wants is the divorce to go through?

 

what to do?

[redblack66]

its just the ups and downs....is she saying she wants to give it a couple more weeks just to let me down easy..cause anytime she gets pissed, all she wants is the divorce to go through?

 

what to do?

 

I have not read carefully all your postings. Love is not enough for people to stay together. My wife and I love each other, but she does not want to live with me. The best relationship I had, we both knew and told each other that we did not love each other. It was some of the most wonderful time of my life, and perhaps of her life.

 

About divorce: I am getting there, but if she wants to go through, then not much you can do.

[Randal602]

she called back (course I text her to apologize for my part in the latest squabble) and she apologizes and it seems like things are back...it is just any pressure, the smallest amout sends her spiraling in to I want the divorce....I am supposed to call her Tues for lunch...I think I am going to go out of town,,,hide my phone whatever and take a break for a week or so...I am way to avialable...hope that the way she is talking to and traeting me is because I am always there, ready to work things out...who knows if I can mster the strength to stay away...maybe I will get my dignity and self-esteem back and tell her to go to hell....would be nice to say that and really mean it sometimes...(funny thing in my first divore I was never a sniviling idiot like I have been lately) I do love her.....but am not sure that by now Im not just in this to win...instead of wanting to be there for her because she is in such anger...anger that I think my mere presence makes worse....

[Randal602]

sencond day of nc...... not sure I will make it....... want to talk about things with her... no that is a mistake..... feel good to be back in control of my life.... I do thin she will come back in a week or two.... but will just be to she if I have regrets..... hope I can stick this out...

 

any advice... am I doing the right thing?

[redblack66]

sencond day of nc...... not sure I will make it....... want to talk about things with her... no that is a mistake..... feel good to be back in control of my life.... I do thin she will come back in a week or two.... but will just be to she if I have regrets..... hope I can stick this out...

 

any advice... am I doing the right thing?

 

Been there. You can make it, I know how painful it is. Just keep NC.