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I got married at 27 to a beautiful intelligent 20 year old woman who i was madly in love with and still am. I have always been kinda a jerk to people and was had a sense of entitlement that surrounded me. I never saw this and my arrogance stopped me from seeing how rude and inconsiderate i was to others. She adored me so much that she overlooked these things and made excuses for me at every turn. She wanted sex constantly all the time and i seemed to never want sex. I was always more interested in something else.. A video game or tv or some new hobby. I took up Everquest for a couple years, then World of warcraft... i spent more hours online then at work. Taking for granted that she would always be there. I completely neglected my wife for at least 8 of the 10 years. Once again, the arrogance to think that she was there to stay no matter what i did.

Two days ago she told me she was unhappy and that she was going to leave. I could see in her eyes that she was completely serious and it scarred the crap out of me. I had pictured this moment and it was always yelling and screaming and throwing stuff. Well i just broke down and sobbed. It was like a switch went off in my head showing me exactly how i had treated her and others. I always here people say "how did it come to this?" and i knew exactly how it had gotten to this point. It was crystal clear that i had gotten away with destroying the woman i loved for 8 years. She was very calm and told me that we could keep joint custody of the kids and i could keep the house and just pay her half when i sell it. She told me that she had met someone but that nothing happened. She had just always promised herself she would leave me before she cheated on me. I couldn't eat or sleep that day or the next. I sobbed uncontrollably and kept apologizing for treating her badly, telling her how much i loved her. I told her i would completely change and make her love me again. We sat down and talked and i could see was completely committed on leaving me. the next day we sat down and i swore to her that i would court her and that i wanted to be a better person. I was sick of losing friends and relationships with people because i was such a jerk. She then admitted to me that she had convinced herself that i would never change, and that she had done everything possible to save the marriage (pleading with me, counseling.. etc.) So she went to this guys house (her first boyfriend) and slept with him. At that moment i should have felt anger and disgust .. But strangely i didn't. I mean could i have gone 8 years in a practically sexless marriage without cheating? I told her then that i understood and i felt we could make this work. She was shocked. I love her so much that i am willing to accept that i treated her so badly that she cheated on me. Am i going to regret not leaving? Will we ever be able to get past this? Can i trust her? Should i leave? I physically can not answer these questions. I want this to work. I want to be able to wipe the slate and start from scratch. I want guarantees even though i know i cant have them. In the end... reality tells me i caused this and i cant fix it. I fix things.. thats what i do.. and i cant fix this. She says she is willing to give me another chance. She says she still has a little love for me but is hesitant and wants me to prove that i will change. Am i a fool to try?

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notspiritual
Am i a fool to try?

 

You should try. But beware the following traps:

1. Don’t be the only one trying to work on the marriage.

2. Don’t be reduced to being a doormat or it will appear not sincere or look unattractive.

3. Manage her expectations – you are not a robot, you need time to change.

4. Don’t believe there are plenty fishes in the sea or you may be tempted to give up. The truth is, there are plenty of poisonous fishes in the sea.

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