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New here ... another sad story of leaving a sexless/verbally abusive marriage


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Displaced Yankee

Good evening all. I have been reading on these forums for a long time and have finally screwed up the courage to post.

 

Let me take a couple of moments to introduce myself. Hi! I'm a displaced Yankee that has followed my husband's military career around the world for the last 14 years. I've been the faithful supportive wife during all those years. I've stood by him through deployments, extended schools and TDY's and work hours that would make a saint groan. I've moved 8 times in those 14 years, given up a career and for the last almost seven years focused on raising our child.

 

I would have been happy to continue doing this until my dying day if my husband had been willing to act like a loving husband and not have treated me like a maid and nanny (OK, I'm a little bitter). But ... for the last 9 years he has been an ogre to live with when he manages to be around. He almost never speaks to me unless it is to belittle me and we haven't had sex in over 2 years. Before that, if we had sex twice a year it was a lot, and there was nothing tender or loving about it (A complete change from our dating/newlywed days when we would have sex 3-6x/day) We live completely seperate lives. Seperate bedrooms, seperate friends, heck, we even take seperate vacations. Needless to say, the relationship is all over but the paperwork.

 

Back in October, I gave him an ultimatum ... Either we get some marriage counseling to deal with the problem or I was filing for divorce. His response was to tell me to make sure I took out as much cash as I could that night becuase he was removing me from the bank accounts and I had better enjoy living in an apartment and having only visitation with our child because he was keeping the house and filing for sole custody. Classic scare tactics, but enough to shake me up a bit. However, I guess my ultimatum was enough to shake up the husband a bit because he did schedule a counseling appointment for us. We attended 2 sessions together when he decided that he didn't need counseling that whatever problems there were in the relationship were solely mine. So I slipped into a bit of a funk and pulled a poor pitiful me act.

 

Went home to visit family in January and finally came clean with them about the state of my relationship. The lack of love, basic common courtesy and any form of affection what so ever. The verbal abuse, the psychological games, everything. It was a very long night around the kitchen table. To my surprise they completely supported me (They adored my husband and thought he was the best thing since sliced bread, so understand my surprise). To quote my dad "You are way too young for that kind of ****".

 

So, I get home from my little vacation, get my rear end into counseling (actually with the same counselor who had done our marriage counseling) found my backbone again and am getting ready to file for divorce.

 

It was amazing, once I made the decision it was like the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders. I dropped the 30 lbs I had put on in the 14 years of our marriage, I became a happy person again. I told my husband that I was planning on filing for divorce,he doesn't believe me, but oh well. I guess he will figure it out when he gets the papers.

 

But needless to say, I'm scared, excited and hopeful all at the same time. I can't belive I'm looking forward to haveing my standard of living severely curtailed, a probable custody battle and living on a pretty tight budget again. But the thought of coming home to no one but my son and not having to fight the daily passive agressive battles is so liberating.

 

Thanks for reading my story,

Displaced Yankee

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Your story sounds pretty outrageous, and I wonder how you stuck around as long as you did? Good luck with the road ahead, it won't be easy but things WILL get better.

 

I am curious however about your mentioning losing 30 lbs that you had gained during the marriage. Congratulations on that! But why did you feel the need to mention it in this post? What motivated you to do it at this time? And since clearly you were able to lose the weight at any time, why not sooner?

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But the thought of coming home to no one but my son and not having to fight the daily passive agressive battles is so liberating.

 

Both for finally posting and for having the courage to leave an abusive, unloving situation. It soulds as if you have your family's full support and that will become increasingly imprtant as things progress.

 

You've got a rough road ahead of you but keep your eye on the ultimate goal, as quoted above, and you'll make it through and be much the happier for it.

 

I remember receiving the final divorce order in the mail. Upon opening the envelope and reading it my immediate reaction was a profound sense of relief. It sounds like that will be your experience too.

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Displaced Yankee

I am curious however about your mentioning losing 30 lbs that you had gained during the marriage. Congratulations on that! But why did you feel the need to mention it in this post? What motivated you to do it at this time? And since clearly you were able to lose the weight at any time, why not sooner?

 

 

Tommyr,

 

Thanks for the well wishes. To answer some of your questions ... How did I stick around so long? First off, my husband is active duty military and his deployment schedule was such that he really wasn't around much. It's easy to get along with someone or at least not actively hate them when they aren't there. You can delude yourself into thinking that things will improve and get better. Kind of like a nice soft light filter on a lens. It actually didn't get unbearable until he was stationed at a place where he was home A LOT more. It's much harder to ignore the white elephant in the middle of the living room.

 

The weight issue. I brought it up because that was his favorite issue to hurt me with. I went from a size 8 to a size 12. Not exactly Shamu, but still more then I weighed when we got married when I was 18. My physical appearance was a favorite target of his verbal abuse. He so kindly told me that I was physically repulsive and called me Jabba the Hut more then once. It took a real toll on my self image.

 

Funny thing is, after I lost the weight (I actually weigh less now then when we got married) he still wasn't interested in me physically. When I asked him about it, he said, "I guess you were right, it doesn't matter what you weigh." It boils down to it being a way for him to control me. When I stopped buying it, he had to find another sore spot. He tried for a while to convice me that I was old (at 32), when that didn't work, we declared a cold war.

 

About losing the weight ... actually, I couldn't do it at any time prior. My weight gain was directly related to the state of my relationship. I'm not making excuses, I put the food in my mouth and no one held a gun to my head. But once I stopped trying to fill the emotional black hole that was my marriage with food (literally comfort food) the weight dropped off. Once I accepted the fact that I was never going to have the "marriage" I had dreamed of and realized that I wasn't mourning the loss of my marriage so much as the loss of the fantasy of what my marriage should have been, it was like a switch flipped in my brain. I wasn't "hungry" all the time anymore. Because I identified that my hunger was for affection and not for food. So I fed that hunger with the love of my friends and family and didn't feel the need to ask Ben & Jerry's to fill it for me.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Displaced Yankee

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Displaced Yankee
Both for finally posting and for having the courage to leave an abusive, unloving situation. It soulds as if you have your family's full support and that will become increasingly imprtant as things progress.

 

You've got a rough road ahead of you but keep your eye on the ultimate goal, as quoted above, and you'll make it through and be much the happier for it.

 

I remember receiving the final divorce order in the mail. Upon opening the envelope and reading it my immediate reaction was a profound sense of relief. It sounds like that will be your experience too.

 

 

Curmudgeon,

 

Thank you for your post. I still have days when I get panicky and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But, then, as if a gift from heaven he will do something that will bring me screaming back to reality. I consider it the Universe's clue by four for when ever I begin to have doubts.

 

I look forward to the day when I too can experience a profound sense of relief. And to be honest I think we might actually make better exes then we do spouses. We both adore our son we just can't live together. He's a great father, but a really crappy husband.

 

Nikki

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azianpride143

I wish you the best of luck in your new found freedom. It's hard to break free from a relationship you had nurtured and hoped to save. I hope you are willing to stay on your chosen path and willing to see it through to the end. Keep us posted on your progress.....

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You know your husband can turn nasty.. I hope you already have a good lawyer.

 

R

 

When my sister approached her lawyer regarding a divorce she was told to get and/or photocopy ever payslip and proof of income/finances her husband had had over a 3 month period.

 

Watch your back and don't listen to any of that sole custody s**t!

 

 

pps: Welcome

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You can do this. Use your new found liberation as the drive to get you through the hard times ahead. You gave up a career but you those skills and talents are still within you. Use them to continue to add beauty and harmony to your life and to your relationship with your child. Good luck.

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Displaced Yankee

Thank you all for your kind words and well wishes. I see a very long bumpy road ahead, but at least this time the light at the end of the tunnel won't be from a speeding train.

 

I did get an excellent attorney. I interviewed several and finally went with the one recommeded by my counselor. Someone who prefers to negotiate when possible but has a reputation of being a bulldog when necessary. Playing this smart is the ONLY reason I have not filed already. I am making sure that all my ducks are in a row and my physical, emotional and finaicial houses are in order so he has less opportunity to play games. Right now I'm looking at a 6 month time line. All I want is a 50/50 spilt of assets and debt and the state guideline amount for child support. Everything else, I couldn't care less about. I have a good job with good benefits now and I am perfectly capable of making my own way. I'm hoping that after the intial shock wears off he will be reasonable and we can hammer this out between us and just have the lawyers look over the agreement to ensure that no one is being taken for a ride. That is my sincere hope for this situation.

 

Thanks again for the support and well wishes.

 

Displaced Yankee

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KnowHowLoveFeels
But ... for the last 9 years he has been an ogre to live with when he manages to be around. He almost never speaks to me unless it is to belittle me and we haven't had sex in over 2 years. Before that, if we had sex twice a year it was a lot, and there was nothing tender or loving about it (A complete change from our dating/newlywed days when we would have sex 3-6x/day) We live completely seperate lives. Seperate bedrooms, seperate friends, heck, we even take seperate vacations. Needless to say, the relationship is all over but the paperwork.

 

Hi there!

 

When I read your post, there were a few things that came to mind. First, this man sounds like someone who outwardly hates your guts, and he doesn't even care about hiding his animosity toward you. Second, I am suspecting that he is a closet gay. A relatively young man who doesn't want to have sex for 2 years is not normal, whether he finds you repulsive or not.

 

Yes, it does sound like the relationship between you is over. Filing for divorce and having it come out smoothly does take some planning. I'd strongly suggest that you get the help of a knowledgeable lawyer. {Edit: I see that you have already consulted with a lawyer. } Don't let him bully you into getting less than your fair share.

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. Do not turn back, no matter what. He may start begging and crying - crocodile tears, really. Stay strong. The best solution is leaving this M.

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Displaced Yankee

KHLF,

 

You know, you aren't the first person to mention that he behaves as if he really and truly despises the very fiber of my being. How we got here and why, I have no idea. And to be perfectly honest, at this point, I really don't care.

 

It took a lot of therapy and some serious soul searching to realize that I was not the problem in this relationship. I can walk away knowing that I did eveything humanly possible to salvage it and I can sleep at night secure in that knowledge.

 

As to his sexuality ... I don't think he's gay, but heck, what do I know? My judgement hasn't exactly been stellar in the man department, as evidenced by my current situation. Once again, it doesn't really matter anymore.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to comment and I will definately take your advice to heart. One good thing about going public to my family and friends about my situation is that they have no compunction about giving me a reality check when needed.

 

Displaced Yankee

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Tommyr,

 

Thanks for the well wishes. To answer some of your questions ... How did I stick around so long? First off, my husband is active duty military and his deployment schedule was such that he really wasn't around much. It's easy to get along with someone or at least not actively hate them when they aren't there. You can delude yourself into thinking that things will improve and get better. Kind of like a nice soft light filter on a lens. It actually didn't get unbearable until he was stationed at a place where he was home A LOT more. It's much harder to ignore the white elephant in the middle of the living room.

 

The weight issue. I brought it up because that was his favorite issue to hurt me with. I went from a size 8 to a size 12. Not exactly Shamu, but still more then I weighed when we got married when I was 18. My physical appearance was a favorite target of his verbal abuse. He so kindly told me that I was physically repulsive and called me Jabba the Hut more then once. It took a real toll on my self image.

 

Funny thing is, after I lost the weight (I actually weigh less now then when we got married) he still wasn't interested in me physically. When I asked him about it, he said, "I guess you were right, it doesn't matter what you weigh." It boils down to it being a way for him to control me. When I stopped buying it, he had to find another sore spot. He tried for a while to convice me that I was old (at 32), when that didn't work, we declared a cold war.

 

About losing the weight ... actually, I couldn't do it at any time prior. My weight gain was directly related to the state of my relationship. I'm not making excuses, I put the food in my mouth and no one held a gun to my head. But once I stopped trying to fill the emotional black hole that was my marriage with food (literally comfort food) the weight dropped off. Once I accepted the fact that I was never going to have the "marriage" I had dreamed of and realized that I wasn't mourning the loss of my marriage so much as the loss of the fantasy of what my marriage should have been, it was like a switch flipped in my brain. I wasn't "hungry" all the time anymore. Because I identified that my hunger was for affection and not for food. So I fed that hunger with the love of my friends and family and didn't feel the need to ask Ben & Jerry's to fill it for me.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Displaced Yankee

 

Wow! Thats some deep Kimshiee!

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Us in the South don't mind Yankees per say!

 

But there's a difference between "Yankees" and damned "Yankees"

 

A "Yankee" comes down South to visit ~ and then goes back home! A damned Yankee comes down and stays for good! :mad:

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Displaced Yankee
Wow! Thats some deep Kimshiee!

 

 

Gunny,

 

I'm not sure if you're insulting me or not. Us Yankees don't speak southern very well, so please be kind enough to translate.

 

I assure you, I have only been south of the Mason Dixon line under duress and have trotted my rear end back up I-95 as soon as possible.

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I'm having a laugh with you! Kimshihe is fermentated (rotten) Korean Cabbage that's very spicey and hot!

 

Sorry thougnt you knew!

 

Sorry if I offended you"

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Displaced Yankee
I'm having a laugh with you! Kimshihe is fermentated (rotten) Korean Cabbage that's very spicey and hot!

 

Sorry thougnt you knew!

 

Sorry if I offended you"

 

No offense taken, that's why I asked for a translation. I get plenty of exercise, no need to add to my routine by jumping to conclusions.

 

Displaced Yankee

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;) Misc~ommunication? LOL! ;)

 

Gusess that's 'why we fought a war? ;) And 400,000 Yankees died of Southern shot, fever and steel?

 

Ya'll won tha' war, but it took more of you to do it! :p

 

I was being factious of you! Its a Southern thing?! You wouldn't undertstand! ;)

 

Would you all like some sweet tea? Its the table "wine" of the South!

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Displaced Yankee
;) Misc~ommunication? LOL! ;)

 

Gusess that's 'why we fought a war? ;) And 400,000 Yankees died of Southern shot, fever and steel?

 

Ya'll won tha' war, but it took more of you to do it! :p

 

I was being factious of you! Its a Southern thing?! You wouldn't undertstand! ;)

 

Would you all like some sweet tea? Its the table "wine" of the South!

 

 

Aw Christmas! You really need to come to terms with the fact that we won the war. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow, but really, sometimes you just have to give up the ghost.

 

I will take you up on that sweet tea offer. I did manage to pick up a liking for it during my time at Ft. Rucker.

 

Displaced Yankee

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