emotional abuse?

[backseat]

Is emotional abuse enough to get a divorce?

According to the article, this is a form of abuse and could be considered as one the grounds for a divorce...

 

"The next major form of emotional abuse is manipulation and control based. In this form, the abuser will control either the money and finances or even try to control how you spend your time. They may tell you that you are not allowed to see your friends or even family without their permission. For financial control, they could only allow you a small amount for an allowance and no additional money. The reason for this is to control all of your movements. In addition, by allowing you only a small amount of money it is hard for you to save and break free of the abuse."

 

Is this really true? I am helping a friend get a divorce because her husband is totally controlling almost all of her movements. And he is not giving her daily allowances. And my friend also said that they always argue, almost every night when her husband is at home. She has been emotionally down and depressed for a couple of months now. Can emotional abuse be a ground for a divorce?

[disgracian]

I suppose marriage counselling is out of the question for some reason. An attempt to save the marriage should be made before abandoning it.

 

Cheers,

D.

[Melovator]

Yes the behaviour described is abuse.

Let me paraphrase a document I have from work:

Abuse is not just about when someone physically beats another, it about abuse of power. It is about the domination, coercion, intimidation and victimisation of one person by another. The purpose of this behaviour is to control the other person and this control can be so subtle that victims themselves are not able to identify the behaviour as abusive.

Your friend should seek legal advice about grounds for divorce. But no-one should have to live in a situation where they are not in control of their own lives, where they are made to feel valueless as a person, where someone you love treats you like a non-person and then tells you that they love you.

Marriage counselling is out of the question in circumstances where there is abuse, because of the power imbalance between the two people entering into it.

The hardest thing for people in this situation to do is to actually tell anyone what is happening, because of the shame and the lack of self respect they feel as a result of what has been happening to them. (This is particularly true for male victims because of cultural notions of masculinity and what makes it more difficult is the lack of appropriate resources for men when they do decide to seek help. Not saying its easier for women, the whole thing is difficult enough for any person.)

Anyway, your friend should get some counselling, and if she hasn't already started, begin keeping a diary of any incidents that occur, phone calls, drop arounds to her place etc., the period after seperation can be the most dangerous and escalation of behaviour by the abuser has an unfortunately high chance of occurrring.

If she's still in the house she needs to begin making a safety plan to leave so that's she's fully prepared when she does go. Google: domestic violence+ safety plans there's a few websites out there.

Most of all she does need friends (and that is a plural) who will help her get through. I wish you and your friend all the best.

[disgracian]

Marriage counselling is out of the question in circumstances where there is abuse, because of the power imbalance between the two people entering into it.

You don't think there is any chance at all for the controlling partner to alter their behaviour?

 

Cheers,

D.

[amaysngrace]

I was the subject of emotional abuse by my exH. He was also physical at times and sometimes the hits are easier to take than being made to feel like a child. Plus you know once he hits you then the fight is almost over.

 

We did the counseling thing but it was only after I threatened to leave him. It did no good. He promised to change. He even cried. But he's the same guy...a bully and a coward as my mom has described him.

 

Emotional abuse is grounds for divorce. It's considered extreme cruelty.

[Melovator]

You don't think there is any chance at all for the controlling partner to alter their behaviour?

 

Cheers,

D.

 

They have to want to do it, and unfortunately part of the cycle of abusive relationships involves a denial or minimising of the behaviour or an excusal of it.

 

So I no I don't think relationship/ couples/ marraige counselling is appropriate. What is appropriate is for both partners to seek individual counselling and for the controlling/ abusive partner to learn a whole lot of stuff about themselves and how their way of getting through life and relationships is not appropriate. (I don't have the particular language as I don't work in the area of such programs)

 

The thing is the victim doesn't want to leave their partner at first, they love them, they just want the abuse to stop, but then it doesn't stop no matter how many times they've been promised that it will. And this is a really complicated area for people to navigate through and a lot of support is required.

 

So is there a chance? Of course there's a chance I suppose, I just don't know how big it is. And for each person it would be different. And it would depend on such an array of things...

[PWSX3]

They have to want to do it, and unfortunately part of the cycle of abusive relationships involves a denial or minimising of the behaviour or an excusal of it.

I have to say I was one of these guys. I used to tell the W what to do, I would make fun of the people she hung out with because they weren't the type of people I would hang out with, etc. etc.

Maybe I'm just one of the lucky guys but because of LS & going to counsoling I have learned these things are not exceptable & so I'm working at changing them & you are correct the person has to learn that themselves & want to change, you can't make them want to.

You have to remember when I did these things I didn't know I was doing something wrong, I just thought I was watching out for my W & helping her make the right choices so until I was hit over the head with that 2x4 & then poked in the head with the fork I didn't know I was doing anything wrong. I know that is hard to believe but I compare it to those people on American Idol that in there mind they really think they are good singers when they really suck, but to them they are good & that is how I thought; I thought I was a good husband.

So I no I don't think relationship/ couples/ marraige counselling is appropriate. What is appropriate is for both partners to seek individual counselling and for the controlling/ abusive partner to learn a whole lot of stuff about themselves and how their way of getting through life and relationships is not appropriate. (I don't have the particular language as I don't work in the area of such programs) [/qoute]

I feel a lot of it is not being confident in yourself & so you have to put people down to make yourself feel better. Some of it is how you were raised, how things were done in the 60's, 70's, 80's etc don't work now.

In my situation I honestly thought I was trying to help my W, that she wasn't able to make the right choices & I'm still having some trouble with that even though we are back together, but the biggest thing I learned is that there are more then one way to do things & my way doesn't have to always be the right way, its just "a way".....Just because it isn't done the way I would do it doesn't mean the job won't get done doing it in a different way.

The thing is the victim doesn't want to leave their partner at first, they love them, they just want the abuse to stop, but then it doesn't stop no matter how many times they've been promised that it will. And this is a really complicated area for people to navigate through and a lot of support is required.

 

So is there a chance? Of course there's a chance I suppose, I just don't know how big it is. And for each person it would be different. And it would depend on such an array of things...

Can people change, yes.... Does her H want to change I can't answer that, that is a question he will have to answer himeself....

[azianpride143]

I was a prime example of an emotionally abused husband. It is not healthy. The physical is nothing compared to the phsychological effects of both mental and emotional torture.

 

The marriage may still have a chance of being saved. You have to try to give it one more shot. Sometimes the abuser may have a change of heart if he does value what they have. And may be willing to work through his own issues in order to salvage what's left.

 

"It's like a newly constructed building. It's easier to fix the plumbing when it's got a leak. Rather than demolishing the whole structure."

[Melovator]

I have to say I was one of these guys. I used to tell the W what to do, I would make fun of the people she hung out with because they weren't the type of people I would hang out with, etc. etc.

Maybe I'm just one of the lucky guys but because of LS & going to counsoling I have learned these things are not exceptable & so I'm working at changing them & you are correct the person has to learn that themselves & want to change, you can't make them want to.

You have to remember when I did these things I didn't know I was doing something wrong, I just thought I was watching out for my W & helping her make the right choices so until I was hit over the head with that 2x4 & then poked in the head with the fork I didn't know I was doing anything wrong. I know that is hard to believe but I compare it to those people on American Idol that in there mind they really think they are good singers when they really suck, but to them they are good & that is how I thought; I thought I was a good husband.

 

I feel a lot of it is not being confident in yourself & so you have to put people down to make yourself feel better. Some of it is how you were raised, how things were done in the 60's, 70's, 80's etc don't work now.

In my situation I honestly thought I was trying to help my W, that she wasn't able to make the right choices & I'm still having some trouble with that even though we are back together, but the biggest thing I learned is that there are more then one way to do things & my way doesn't have to always be the right way, its just "a way".....Just because it isn't done the way I would do it doesn't mean the job won't get done doing it in a different way.

 

Can people change, yes.... Does her H want to change I can't answer that, that is a question he will have to answer himeself....

 

Thank you PWSX3 for your honesty; a lot of people do think they can win Idol (Whatever version is in your part of the world) when they can't sing and don't think they need singing lessons, to continue your metaphor. You are a lucky guy that your W is strong enough to stay, because the strong one's stay, not the weak ones, they often just have no clue about how strong they really are until they are about to finally lose it and realise they've got to get out. I am continually amazed at how strong and postive people who have lived in such circumstances can be.

 

I guess what I was trying to say is a lot abusers can get hit with the 2x4 but don't actually see that they've walked into it themselves. And then if they do see, they can't find the help and support they need to sustain a change in behaviour that would allow them to have fuller/ better relations with their partner. Or the abuse has gone on so long that their partner is never going to come back and there's no incentive to change and if the victim is still in contact (e.g. because of children) the abuse often continues.

 

You can't drive and navigate the car, no matter how much GPS systems would like to fool us otherwise, in a healthy relationship you have to take turns doing both. Otherwise you end up tired, lost or in an accident.

 

So you're right the only one who knows if he really wants to change is this guy himself, but if he doesn't even realise that his behaviour is a problem...

[amaysngrace]

 

Or the abuse has gone on so long that their partner is never going to come back and there's no incentive to change and if the victim is still in contact (e.g. because of children) the abuse often continues.

 

 

This is very true. My exH kept pleading for me to drop the divorce action. Would he have drastically changed if I had? I have no idea and I wasn't about to find out. Once I filed it stayed filed.

 

Am I a victim of abuse? Nope. Not anymore. I am a survivor of abuse.

[Melovator]

Am I a victim of abuse? Nope. Not anymore. I am a survivor of abuse.

 

It's so good to read that. I've seen so many people trapped in a cycle they can't get out of and they remain victims because they can't make the great mental leap to survivor... of course its easy for me to say that, I'm not where they are.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

Emotional abuse can be much more damaging, long term, than physical abuse. I was married to an abuser, and the emotional damage has lasted far longer than any physical attacks he ever made. It is certainly a valid reason for divorce, IMO.