is it really over or is he ?

[yano]

Hello - I've never posted on a forum before, but find myself in need of some advice. Here is my story:

 

2 and half months ago my Husband of 4 years (together 6) told me he "Didn't feel the way about me that he should". This was totally out of left field for me.

 

We had a happy marriage, rarely argued and as recently as January were trying for our first baby. My Husband does contract work and in February met a woman who he worked with for a week. They had a connection and he even told me back then that he had a bit of a crush on her. I didn't take it too seriously, even when they started emailing and texting, as I felt our marriage was solid and he wasn't hiding anything from me. I was free to read their messages and they were harmless. She had a long-term boyfriend and they seemed to be just friends.

 

In late February he started to question whether or not he had time to be a father - he works a lot. I chalked it up to cold feet. We had some heavy discussions for awhile, never reaching a decision and eventually we stopped discussing it. March was very good. He was very thoughtful on my birthday, and was very loving and sweet throughout. We even began to plan a vacation to Europe for the summer. At the end of March, he took a 3 day trip to visit his Mother who lives 2 hours away. It also happens to be where his "friend" lives and he visited with her as well. I was aware of this and did not question it.

 

April 1st he dropped the bomb on me. I was in shock. I said - If you don't know how you feel, maybe you should just leave!" So he did. He walked out and went back to his Mother's for two days. During that time he saw his "friend" again. This time I realized what was happening. I demand he come home and tell me what was going on. He came back and said - "I'm sorry. I'm not in love with you. I have feelings for this girl but I'm not leaving you for her, I'm leaving you because she made me realize that I'm not in love with you. She's a catalyst. He swore this up and down for the first month. He told everyone - "I'm not leaving my Wife for this girl, I just realize I don't love her anymore."

 

For all of April I was in a daze, and he threw himself into his work and we avoided any real discussion. Near the end of April, I told him he could not stay in our house anymore.

 

May 1st we began going to a therapist - we both really wanted to go. The therapist listened to our story and told us we seemed to be respectful and loving toward each other and that there was a lot of hope for us. He sent us away with some "homework" of talking, spending time together and working on our issues. My Husband agreed to these things but by the time we got together to do them, he panicked thinking it was pointless. By the next session he told the therapist, he didn't want to work on the marriage. He was set in his decision to end it. He was crazy about another girl and he didn't see any point in working on anything. The therapist asked - "are you really going to risk throwing away 6 years with your Wife over someone you've barely known for 2 months?" My Husband said simply - "yes".

 

I soon found out that the girl had left her boyfriend for my Husband. She is younger (26) and lives a very different lifestyle. She is a university student and as I mentioned, lives in a city about 2 hours from ours.

 

I stopped attending therapy after the first 3 visits as I found the things my Husband was saying too difficult to hear - things like, he wasn't sure if he ever really knew what love was before, that he's never felt this way about a girl before. It was devastating. Never in our marriage did I have any clue he was unsatisfied. We were always incredibly sweet and loving to each other. All of our friends and family were also in shock.

 

He continued to see the therapist on his own. During that time, a lot of emotion swirled us - I was grieving - and he was becoming very chaotic. He lost weight, became incredibly sick with the flu, distant, lost focus on his work etc. He told me - "I've felt terrible since my last therapy session but it was one of the most important hours of my life". I took these signs of breakdown to be a positive thing. It seemed like he was genuinely confused and working through something. I thought - perhaps this is just a mid-life crisis. (even though he's only 33).

 

I became aware though that he and this girl had finally become an item, as officially as living far away from each other can be. This is only two months after leaving me. Our therapist told us both that he was jumping out of the fire into the frying pan, that he burying his emotions in a new relationship and not dealing. Still nothing swayed his feelings for her.

 

What is confusing and hard for me is that we are still very decent toward each other. I cry a lot and he listens a lot. He hasn't moved his things out of our house, hasn't found an apartment, and hasn't taken his wedding ring off and is committed to therapy although he sees it as separation therapy. He is in a long-distance relationship with this girl, yet hasn't fully committed to the practical aspects of ending our marriage.

 

The advice I receive from friends and family varies. Some tell me to move on and accept that he has broken his commitment to our marriage. That he is immature and I should cut him off. Others tell me he's going through some sort of phase and that it won't last. That soon he will get over the newness of his relationship and realize that he has a real life with me.

 

I don't know if I'm acting to passively waiting around hoping my Husband will come to his senses. He has hurt and betrayed me, yet if this is temporary insanity or a phase I know I'd be able to forgive him. The thing that makes me nervous is that he has chosen to put himself in this uncomfortable position for months - couch surfing and therapy and heavy talks - he's not a man who likes change or drama. If he's still doing it after almost 3 months, perhaps he really is committed to his decision?

 

We are still very affectionate with each other yet he peppers his affection toward me with coolness that seems very forced.

 

We have a business together and our lives are so intertwined. I don't know if it is wise to take the bull by the horns this early and intiate coming apart or wait for him to do so or just wait for him to wake up.

 

I am so confused. Any insight / advice is most appreciated.

[azianpride143]

He seems to have made a choice and the choice is not the marriage. He wants to still stay with you because you still fulfill some emotional needs and at the same time still see where his relationship goes with the OW. Are you happy with this arrangement? Are you willing to wait and see where this leads to?

 

Yes you should grab life by the horns and take control back. If he cannot decide you decide what's best for you. You need to think about yourself and your happiness. He cannot make this choice for you. He made his. Now it's your turn.

 

I would still suggest that you continue IC for your sake and not for both of you. Therapy still continues to help me get through the most difficult part of dealing with my feelings, anger, depression, angst, etc. It is tough but you can survive this. You just have to take the first step and decide what you want and where you would like to go from here.

 

I and others got the same advice and I could'nt believe it at first. It seemed hopeless. But once you make that move it starts getting better. You just have to pick yourself up from the gutters and shake that dirt off.

[Melovator]

AP's my man on this one. I have been/ still are where you are and I found out on April 2. You deserve better. Start extricating him from your life practically and emotionally- its hard, especially because of all the dreams you have/ had about your future. The baby thing- I understand I would love another- it was stupidly the first thing out of my mouth when I found out about A. I had a miscarriage in January and I've cried myself stupid wishing I could have that baby back but I can't.

If he's having a mid-life crisis (and 33 isn't actually that young to have one- google it and see) then you can't do anything for him, you can only do something for yourself. YOU have to get through this, you have to take care of yourself because he's not going to do it.

With the business- its that, business and keep the conversation just on that. But for your own mental health he and his stuff can't stay in the house- I know this and AP knows this and read our threads and see how it just does your head in. Don't let it do your head in- even if friends are telling you its a phase - you cannot waste your life and emotional energy in the meantime. Otherwise you become a nothing, you bleed away yourself. And would you want to be in a relationship with yourself if you were like that? No! The only person responsible for your happiness is yourself, its hard but true.

Take care.

[sumdude]

Sorry you're going through this ... it all sounds so familiar. Truth is that a marriage is a 100%/100% stiuation. If he is not interested in giving that then you're holding onto a ghost of a relationship. He needs to know the consequences of his actions. He either wants and gets all of you or nothing. Cut him off, he can't have you as some fallback position. That's just not right. You do deserve better.

 

Yes you are being passive, it's time to stand up for yourself and let him know that you're not there to be his comfort zone while he fools around and tries to 'find himself'. Unless you cut him off how will he ever know what he may be losing? Give him the wake up call he needs and then see what happens. Either way prepare yourself for any outcome and know you'll be okay either way. There are biliions of other men on the planet. Plenty who will want you and give themselves too.

 

Don't beg or plead with him

Don't try to reason with him

Put on a strong front, not angry just firm

 

Just detach yourself from him and the relationship

 

Go no contact .... let him KNOW he can and will lose YOU

[thelittlespoon]

If I were in your position I would file for divorce. Even if by some slight chance he decides to leave this other woman and come back to you and be committed to your marriage, do you honestly think that you would regain that trust that has already been lost?

 

He seems to have made his decision, regardless if he still wears his wedding ring or still hasn't moved his stuff out of your house. He verbally admitted that he no longer loves you. A marriage without love is not a marriage. I would leave him right now.

 

It seems as though you guys got married too early. I've said it numerous times, but I really don't feel like a year or two is long enough to date someone before getting married. And luckily, you still have time to walk away withouth children involved.

[GoodOnPaper]

yano,

 

Sorry to hear what you are going through. From a male perspective, I'm all-too-familiar with the mindset that may be leading to your husband's behavior:

 

1. Consistent conflict avoidance followed by an out-of-the-blue bomb dropping.

 

2. Looking for what he wants in life through other people -- that's why the new woman's lifestyle draws him so much.

 

3. Trying to break things off with you while at the same time trying to stay connected and friendly -- this is called "being a bad ender."

 

What you describe of his behavior screams "Nice Guy Syndrome" (I discovered my own NGS about a year ago). You can look it up along with Dr. Robert Glover's book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" for more information on it. Basically, your husband is trying to get through life using juvenile emotional coping strategies, and it doesn't work -- I know! He may not have any idea who he really is and/or what he really wants in life. In my own case, I just "drifted with the currents" and ended up with a life that seems "perfect" on the outside, but I still ended up restless and depressed on the inside.

 

We all have issues, but if NGS describes your husband, there is a lot he needs to start working through. NGS permeates through many, many aspects of one's life.

 

One thing you definitely need to do is something "Nice Guys" are terrible at -- decide what your boundaries are regarding his behavior and stick by them. It may mean you'll have to let the marriage go, no one knows but you two.

[quiet1one1]

Sorry to hear about the situation, yano. It stinks.

 

It does seem like your H has made a firm decision, at least it's firm for now. Karma, God, fate, whatever will have something to say in the end though - I am a firm believer in that.

 

The good news? You know NOW! Now, before you introduced kids to this mess. Now, and not 10, 15, 25, years from now. Now, while you're still young. I know it's hard to see this now but these are major pluses.

 

Let him go. Above all, try to not bring yourself down over this. It's not about you, it's 100% about him. Also take all the "I don't know if I ever loved you..." or "I found another woman because you did/didn't..." stuff and flush it. Cheaters minds will always find rationalizations for what they've done or how they feel. Again, it's not about you.

 

Best of luck - keep posting.

[yano]

Basically, your husband is trying to get through life using juvenile emotional coping strategies, and it doesn't work -- I know! He may not have any idea who he really is and/or what he really wants in life. In my own case, I just "drifted with the currents" and ended up with a life that seems "perfect" on the outside, but I still ended up restless and depressed on the inside.

 

Thank you everyone for your comments.

 

GoodOnPaper, I think you nailed a key issue that has characterized both our marriage and our separation - the "Nice Guy Syndrome." It has allowed him to justify his recent behavior in a variety of ways that are often desperate reaches to vilify me or our marriage. ie. resentment towards me for things that ultimatly he could have taken a stand towards - "you pushed me to be more ambitious than I wanted to be" etc.

 

Our therapist believes he is using his new relationship as a source of emotional support while he deals with his deeper issues of depression and confusion. Restless and depressed with a seemingly "perfect" life sums up my Husband perfectly. He has expressed to me that he recognizes that I was his emotional backbone for many years yet he still seems unable to "deal" without having someone in that role.

 

I think I'll pick up the book you suggested. Right now my therapist and I agree that I will not make any rash moves in either direction but rather focus on myself with some very limited but friendly conversation with my Husband. It's only been two months and as you said, he seems to be using "juvenile emotional coping strategies" along with acting out of character and irrationally. I believe he is very depressed and has a lot of work ahead of him. For now, I'll do my own self work and take it one day at a time.

[Melovator]

For now, I'll do my own self work and take it one day at a time.

 

That's all you can do; take care of yourself. Don't shovel all your emotional energy into him. Take time to work out what you want but don't let him trample over your emotional boundaries while youa re doing it. He's the idiot- juvenile coping strategies aside- he is still an adult and responsible for his own life and happiness. If he can't or won't grow up that's his business, you are not his mother; you are his wife, and if he can't have an adult relationship- why would you want/ or be willing to settle for a childish one? This is not about what HE'S going through- he wouldn't share that with you so its his problem now- not yours. Your concern should be what you're going through and how you can get through this difficult time and be a better person at the end.