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Waiting for the ball to drop....


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I'm not sure how to keep this brief but will try. I am 43, been married for 18 years, together for 20. Other than 1 affair about 9 years ago ( my husbands) we have always been best friends, lovers, had alot of fun together, that is until the last couple years. My husband had gotten so work driven...to suceed that when he got this new job 4 years ago, stress overtook him within a year. I thought we had got thru that, him totally out of touch with his family. Would come home and go downstairs and not talk, he had met a married couple so he would go to their place every Sunday. At one point he wanted to get his own place but we could not afford that. We seemed to get through that, at least he was able to handle the stress of the job so was not as tense, but this was 3 years ago. The last 2 years however I feel like I live with a stranger. It started when he was constantly talking to a woman at work. I told him of my fears and he said no way. Because of the stress (or so he says) he was having an impotency problem. When all this came down he went to the Dr. who gave him a trial sample of some stuff to try....he never did. Then told the Dr. it didn't work because he was embarrased. The Dr. gave him a RX for viagra but I told him I would really like him to try the mellower stuff first...he agreed, but over 2 years later he hasn't yet tried it. The last 2 years we have had sexual relations maybe 5 times, in the last year 3 times and I have had to initiate those 3 times. In the last 4 months...nothing. I am lucky to get a kiss before he goes to work and when he goes to bed. We have always had our intimacy on the weekends, the last few months he sleeps on the couch downstairs, I fear because he may think I might try to get intimate with him. After that deal with that woman at work I started looking at his cell phone bill, well, calls early in the morning before I would get up, during the day, calls to her house after I would go to bed. Some lasting over an hour. Sometimes calls 3 or 4 times a day. He used to call me every day...for 17 years, hasn't in the last 2 years unless he wanted to ask something. When I confronted him on his cellphone bill he said she was just calling to gripe about other employees. He said he didn't appreciate his bill being scrutinized and I said sorry, if you don't like me looking at it then you need to go change the password...then we can just let my imagination go wild....so, he did. His new friends he met 2 years ago, well, I have never met them. He goes to their house every Sunday morning, he goes night fishing with them, he goes on overnight trips with them, not too often but he has never asked me to go with. To make my worries even worse....this woman he works with is his friends sister, who is married. Something going on? I really don't know, sure looks that way. I have 2 years of emails that I have sent him telling him how I felt, what I feared, what I needed, all of that. He would reply and tell me how sorry he was, couldn't understand how he lost his focus on family and became so work driven and that he would try harder. Nothing has changed. It got to the point when I would bring it up that he would get all defensive and it would turn into an argument...which, we NEVER use to fight. So, now I say nothing. He accused me of acting like his mother and he felt he still lived at home, this was over 2 years ago. Since then I have given him his complete freedom to do what he wants, and it seems none of what he wants includes me or our 2 children. He has now applied for a job in Florida knowing that we would never pull the kids out of these wonderful schools here, he said the money was good enough he could just get a place there and fly home on the weekends. Of course that new job is traveling all week. I told him that after awhile he is not gonna want to spend his weekends traveling which he had nothing to say to. I didn't get to give any imput on this job either, which he may take or decide to stay here, either way it hurt just the fact that he is willing to leave his family, with a 12 year old daughter and 16 year old son. He can never get time off from work cause he's soooo busy so we never go anywhere but yet his friend asked him last week to go to Florida with him next week for a few days and BAM, he had the time off. So, while me and my children, who are home for summer break get to sit here and do nothing, he's going to Florida. I have lost 29 pounds in the last 3 months because I needed to. Not once has he said anything about how I look, which is pretty damn good if you ask me! I will finish this up with when he does talk to me he is very nice, he acts like he cares but only in those few conversations. Theres much more I could write but I think you get the general idea of my TOTAL confusion in life. For those wondering, my husband is 52.

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Well, ask yourself how much more of this are you willing to take? The kids take priority but you need your sanity. If he's not having an affair I would be very surprised but at this point does it even matter? He doesn't seem to treat you as a wife or someone high up on his priorities. Doesn't have that much interest in the family either. Can you go on this way? Do you feel there is any hope at all for him to come around?

 

What are you holding on to and why? While he's away get some CASH and pay a lawyer for a consultation $100 - 200.... just to know your possible options. Make no fast decisions. Keep this to yourself, not even freinds or family ..... don't have a paper trail checks, credit etc. Have an answer where the cash went.

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I have asked myself that question, and it's because I am in love with him...or at least the man he used to be. As for a divorce, oh no, I wont make it that easy on him. At one time he told me that if things didn't work out he would still take care of us and I'll make sure he does. His goal was to make enough money so I wouldn't have to work. That happened and I got out of my management career. Now, I have been unemployed taking care of our children for 5 years, I have no resources, I will be using his if it comes down to that. I have felt over the last few months that he is not happy with me anymore but because of his pride he will not end the marriage. I think he is waiting for me to end it so I can be the bad guy...not giving him that easy way out...for now.

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DesperateDad

I've just read your post and I'm really sorry you're going through this. The first thing I want to say to you is that the behavior you've described is unacceptable in a marriage! In my mind, he's clearly having an affair, whether it's physical or not.

 

I think you should keep a low profile at first and try to find some proof. At the same time, go see an attorney right away! I have a very good, experienced attorney and I've talked to him several times already without paying a dime yet. You can most likely speak with a lawyer for free initially and he/she will tell you what you need to do to get your ducks in a row.

 

It sounds like there is a pattern of this type of behavior and only something very serious can change it, if it's possible at this point. That's why it's important to confront him with evidence when you find it and also get good legal advice.

 

I know how hard it is to leave a marriage, but who is being helped by continuing to live like this? I really hope things work out well for you.

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So, Friday evening I couldn't stand it any longer and the volcano blew. I told him he needed to tell me whats going on. He asked me what I meant, I said I want to know whats going on with you, I feel like I can't do anything right with you anymore and I especially feel like you don't love me or want to be married to me anymore. He said he was unhappy and has been for awhile but he's not sure where the unhappiness is coming from. I told him that I give up. I told him if it's moving away that he needs to do or whatever then he needs to do it. I told him I was ready to have a nervous breakdown. He assured me that he does love me, I told him I know he did but was he IN LOVE with me. He told me he couldn't ask for a better wife, mother and homemaker. He felt I wasn't supportive when he went through this last depression and I told him I did at first until this woman became an issue then I flashed back to the other woman and I couldn't handle it. He said he never had an affair with her (I have never had no proof, just instincts. I always felt deep down inside they hadn't slept together yet but I knew they were getting emotionally involved which... really is worse isn't is?) Anyway, Saturday and Sunday he was very sweet to me, tried to include me. It's not like I havent been here before though.. it's one of those things that I just sit back and see, not holding my breath. The night we talked at the end he said that we needed to do this again, I said what? He said talk, at least were communicating now. I said theres no point, we have talked about this many times before and it didn't go anywhere. Oh, it's just so confusing. He now knows the ball is in his court. I told him I always thought that we would always be able to work things out,he said he did to. I told him I sit back and wonder that if we do split up, if one day he will regret it or be happier....he said he has the same thoughts...... I'm not even close to talking to a lawyer, nor worried about that part of it, it's not like we have a whole lot and he's the kind of man that would make sure we're taken care of...I am in love with him..still...after 20 years and many headaches ( not that I havent given him any, I am a woman lol). In closing he did say the one thing that made sense..over the years he changed and I didn't.

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Sorry but those overnighters, and those trips? I believe those are with that other woman, not this imaginary couple that you have never met. That is a HUGE red flag. He's using you as a safety net because he doesn't know what is going on with this other chick. He's still getting the 'feel' for her.

 

Kinda like test-driving a new car, he needs to know that this car is going to suit him before getting rid of the old one. Yes you may be talking to him but you are still tolerating his behavior. You tolerated the first affair so of course another will happen. Though it's not your fault he is acting immature, selfish and like a child.

 

Time for some tough love and to make him face the consequences for his actions. The worst kind of relationship is the roller-coaster one, where you don't know what is coming next. This will drive you insane. It's time to stop this and it's time that YOU start making decisions on what is going to happen here. Stop waiting for him to do that.

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Yes, I do realize that there could be something there. I also realize that I am his safety net, always have been. I overhear him talk to this man before they go on their night fishing so I've often wondered maybe they just make it a family affair...who knows. I let myself leave room for a little bit of doubt just in case I am terribly wrong and he is as he said...messed up in his head and really is going with this guy. Even if it don't work out it's not like I am going anywhere. This is my childrens home and this is where we would be staying. If he was to leave tomorrow nothing would change. If things don't change I WILL be the one moving on with my life. I kinda have started already. I'm letting him know that I'm not living my life for him anymore. I was dead serious on our talk. The hardest thing for me is I have no friends to go out with and really no way to meet them either....besides locals on myspace which is kinda scary. My niece and I will go out dancing but not often enough. I'm not much of a loner which I guess is lucky for him cause I would be gone all the time and then he would know it's time to pooh or get off the pot!

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