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Separation, pain and loneliness


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totalconfusion

Hi everyone, I've just come across this forum and I am impressed with the positivity, support and friendliness - really wish I'd found this much earlier when I started to hit marriage problems, but I reckon better late than never.

 

I'd like to share what I've been going through and get some advice from the folk in this forum, even though reading peoples experiences I have come to realise that my problems are far from unique.

 

I've been married for ten years to a woman I loved dearly, to the point where I made her the centre of my life. At the start of this year however, she told me she no longer loved me, was bored with our life (but emphasised that it was her who was bored, rather than me being boring). She denied that there was anyone else, but later admitted she'd had a short affair with another man, who is unknown to me.

 

We attempted to patch up things, and attended marriage counselling, and for a while it seemed things were really working. However i found that I had not really dealt with my feelings over her infidelity and she was not prepared to address them, or be limited in any way as regards letting me know where she is and being home when she said she would be. Once I admitted that i had not recovered my trust in her, things went bad very quickly indeed and we started arguing and tearing each other to pieces.

 

To be totally honest I have done almost the exact opposite to the advice they give in marriagebuilders - we talked for hours, I tried to persuade her that I could change. Drugs and alcohol have been an issue in our marriage with first me doing them probably once a week to relieve some of the pressure of my job. Since our problems started she has begun to drink very heavily indeed. I feel that she is depressed or going through a midlife crisis but she won't let me help her. The final straw for me was her going for a bike ride drunk out of her mind and smashing all her front teeth out after I begged her not to.

 

After this I told her I wanted a trial separation - I felt that I was not helping her deal with her problems and wanted to shock her into action. I did not want to leave, we have two beautiful children and I ache with loneliness now I have my own apartment 30 miles away (near my friends and family, none of whom lived near our matrimonial home to give me support).

 

It has now been five weeks since I left. Last time I went back to see the kids she wanted to talk. I have avoided doing this so far as it was too soon for me to sort through my confused emotions. She accused me of sleeping with other women even though I am so cut up I feel no desire for anyone - I am not over her yet. I told her that I have good days and bad days and I am surviving. She said that apart from money, she is doing ok - the inference being that she can survive without me. She says she prefers the way we get on now (I avoid conflict and try to show I am moving on, even though I am not).

 

I am not sure I entirely believe her - she rings me up crying a lot, and one visit she wanted to hug me for five minutes solid. I think its bravavo to show how strong she is. She is emotionally closed and has great difficulty expressing her feelings, prefers to bury them.

 

It hurt me a great deal that those ten years of our relationship appear to mean nothing. Our relationship is slipping through our fingers and its breaking my heart. How should I deal with this?

 

I don't know where to begin, in order to cope. I thought I might meet someone else, but I am just not ready. The thought of having even casual sex fills me with horror right now - is this normal? And should I even attempt to win her back? To be honest i am not even sure whether she is still secretly seeing this other man (who has no plans to commit, btw - and apparently is no match for me intellectually, she tells me).

 

I wish I could cut through my confusion and make a decision.

 

Thanks for reading.

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Go see a marriage councilor, alone if needed. If you can't let go of and forgive the affair trust will never come back and this marriage is likely over.

 

Some marriages can recover from things like that...

 

Check out some more reading.. maybe see if she'll look at them too? Don't pressure her though.

 

Keep Your Marriage - Nancy Wasson (e-book)

Five Love Languages

Relationship Rescue _ Dr. Phil (yeah I know but it's a good book)

 

oh yeah and this one ..... eye opener

 

Women's Infidelty ~ e-book

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Hey,

 

From your post, (and without hearing her side of things) it seems that she is going through some serious issues, maybe depression, or -as you said - possibly a mid-life crisis, unfortunately this doesn't just affect her, but your family situation aswell. Given that she phones you up and cries for your support, i'd guess that she doesn't really know what she wants herself (making it even harder for you to try and 'fix' anything) and this is manifested by her self destructive behaviour - affairs, drink driving, pushing you away, etc. I think she has to confront her 'boredom' and deal with it herself before the two of you stand a chance of making it work.

 

This does sort of leave you in limbo though, are you supposed to wait around for her to decide she's all better? What if she never gets over it? I think she doesn't want to let go of you, but feels like she wants something more out of life that maybe you can't give her, but she can't have both.

 

For your own sanity you do have to make a decision, but it's only been five weeks, don't rush into a divorce or another relationship. Let yourself heal a little bit first, ten years is a long time, of course your broken hearted. Perhaps both of you need to take a step back and think about what you want from the future, one, or both of you has to be strong enough to fight, or to walk away when the time comes. That's never going to be easy when you're still confused about the situation, so give yourself some time.

 

Maybe you should talk to someone on your own, therapy-wise, you're obviously having a difficult time, it could help to talk about some of your own feelings, rather than 'marriage' therapy.

 

Don't feel pushed into making a decision right this second, you might only make things worse.

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totalconfusion

Thanks for your advice guys!

 

This does sort of leave you in limbo though, are you supposed to wait around for her to decide she's all better? What if she never gets over it? I think she doesn't want to let go of you, but feels like she wants something more out of life that maybe you can't give her, but she can't have both.

 

I think this OTM. Shes recently been through some big changes in her life. Both of the kids have now gone to school full time and she attempted to get back into work which has been a bit hit and miss. She lost a couple of jobs and her self-esteem is at rock bottom. She was telling me she wanted to be single and without kids, seeming to want to revert to how we were in our twenties. I feel that she no longer knows who she is, but seems to blame me for everything. I could give her the space to find this out, but obviously i will not put up with this including other men.

 

Although I have to say, the actual affair now means very little me to compared to the general concern i have for her, and my kids. Plus of course, losing her. As regards the children I have become so worried about her that I am considering going for custody if the situation detoriates. This would be very difficult as I work full time but I'd do it if they needed me. Last time I went back to the house, she hadn't cleaned in weeks and all the food in the fridge was rotting - this is so unlike her.

 

On the other hand, I wonder whether I am to blame for all of this somehow. I wasn't always the most committed father and I wasn't big into domestic duties (but always worked very very hard to keep a roof over our heads). I also loved her and she knows that. No marriage is perfect and you have to choose to love someone. Its not magic and anyone can survive by themselves (like I am doing right now) - its not needing, its wanting. I don't need her but I miss her. I wake up in the mornings trying to cuddle her and I realise shes not there. Pretty sad really, but then other days I think she can go to hell.

 

I can't wait years to recover, I am heading towards forty and have had six months now of complete trauma, drunken arguments, f*cking and fighting. I sometimes wonder whether god is punishing me for my previous arrogance in thinking my life was perfect.

 

I was prepared to learn how to trust her again, but she needed to at least meet me half way and she couldn't do that.

 

I also think your advice is good re. not making a decision just yet - I seem to be further away from being able to that, than any point since all this kicked off.

 

One other thing, I saw her last night when i was visiting the kids and she was really angry and aggressive towards me. Every time I see her, theres a different reaction - the time before we went out for a meal and she wanted to talk about feelings. Really confusing me. Do you think its a good idea for us to see each other while we are separated, or should I leave contact to the absolute bare minimum?

 

Thanks again.

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Sound like she is battling some pretty heavy depression and definitly the old mid life crisis... She doen't know who she is supposed to be now that she's not a full time mom and homemaker. Which in my mind is a most valuable and scarce commodity these days. The past is done and gone. You have today and this moment to live and do what's right.

 

Is there any way the two of you can do counciling again? Is she seeing someone for therapy? Could the two of you maybe take a long trip and explore the world alone together to try and reconnect? Get away from the house and daily life stresses.

 

Listen, six months in a lifetime is not long at all. There will always be hard times in life, it just happens. If you two can find your way out of this to the other side you might end up stronger and happier than ever. One day you might look back at this as the time you really fought for something worthwhile and it'll just be a speed bump in life.

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If it were me, (based upon my personal experience and seventeen years worth of study on the issues of the matter), I' go for sole custody, all of the marital assets etc. I'd slap a set of divorce papers in this little gals hand so quick, it'd make her head spin. :eek:

 

Case in point?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95838/?highlight=wolfe

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totalconfusion
If it were me, (based upon my personal experience and seventeen years worth of study on the issues of the matter), I' go for sole custody, all of the marital assets etc. I'd slap a set of divorce papers in this little gals hand so quick, it'd make her head spin. :eek:

 

Case in point?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95838/?highlight=wolfe

 

I've considered that, but I need to plan that course of action. The first thing shes going to throw at me is my previous history with recreational drugs which is well known with her. I've considered taking a drug test every week for a few months to show I am clean and logging the results with a lawyer so I have backup when and if i need to take custody of the kids.

 

I am not one to moralise about other peoples behaviour and not really in a position to do that, but come on, a whole bottle of vodka on a sunday night for christs sake?? And when she had the accident with the bike, I paid for her to have her teeth replaced, a thousand ukp it cost me. She begged me to stay that night, and as soon as she was better, it was back to the old rejection routine. Seeing her so badly injured still brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it now. Sometimes I don't know why I still love her, I must be some kind of mug. But a part of me says that she is sick, and if I take the kids it might well be the end of her and that scares me.

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totalconfusion

 

 

Another interesting thing I note which I have in common with the guy who posted that thread is that my wife has a really screwed up background. Her mum married three times, the divorces were highly traumatic. Often, the mum, my wife and her brother would have to sleep on relatives sofas. She witnessed her mum being beaten by boyfriend ect.

 

In fact, in the few sessions of consuelling I managed to drag her along to, this was one of the first things they identified. However, she just felt they were pigeonholing her. She totally rejected the whole concept and generally misinterpretated everything they asked her - which was pretty much what she did to me every time we discussed anything. Simple things would become twisted to the point where it became apparent that I would never win no matter which approach I took. In the end she refused to attend any further sessions, claiming that it made her more angry and upset, not less.

 

When shes drunk, all this stuff about her family background just spills out. I don't think shes really dealt with it. She said when she got married to me she was really happy but knew from experience that nothing ever lasts, or is permanent, which is definitely not the way i felt.

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First off ~ you're responsible for one life and one body ~ yours.

 

Exception your children ~ and even then there's an exception to that? Granted as a parent, you should do everything you can for them, and protect them from that which would cause them harm ~ but even then you can only do so much.

 

Your first responsiblity and obligation is not to yourself ~ but to your children. You've already described the DW's dysfuntional childhoom and background, yet you leave your children in her care?

 

Granted you've a self admitted past drug and alcohol problem ~ but you've cleaned up your act ~ right? Ultimately without an official record (police etc) its her word against yours, and if your clean now even more so. If you've still got a problem with drugs and alcohol etc ~ then its time to call in the better part of the extended family.

 

If you suspect that the DW is suicidal ~ then she's homicidal, and that can include the children as well. Its in the US papers everyday.

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totalconfusion
First off ~ you're responsible for one life and one body ~ yours.

 

Exception your children ~ and even then there's an exception to that? Granted as a parent, you should do everything you can for them, and protect them from that which would cause them harm ~ but even then you can only do so much.

 

Your first responsiblity and obligation is not to yourself ~ but to your children. You've already described the DW's dysfuntional childhoom and background, yet you leave your children in her care?

 

Granted you've a self admitted past drug and alcohol problem ~ but you've cleaned up your act ~ right? Ultimately without an official record (police etc) its her word against yours, and if your clean now even more so. If you've still got a problem with drugs and alcohol etc ~ then its time to call in the better part of the extended family.

 

If you suspect that the DW is suicidal ~ then she's homicidal, and that can include the children as well. Its in the US papers everyday.

 

this is true, but in the UK family law is massively slanted in the womans favour in terms of custody. The presumption is that the children will always be better off with the mother. I'd definitely need to plan this very carefully and have evidence to show that they'd be best with me. What I am worried about is that if this fails, she'll start cutting off access altogether - and here its very difficult for the courts to enforce access. There are loads of protest groups campaigning on this issue such as Fathers4Justice.

 

I don't feel that I've always been the most responsible adult, but putting it in perspective I used to go out once a week with my friends, something that is now deeply resented by the wife. There was lots of things that were apparently massive issues to her, although she never said a damn thing for the entire time, in fact she always said she was happy and in love. Personally I take everything she says and does right now with a pinch of salt - shes definitely in the fog and wants to justify her sh*t with anything she can dredge up - although I am man enough to admit that there were lots of things I did wrong - so why can't she do the same?

 

I don't feel theres much to party about anymore, and over the ten years I've developed into someone who takes my responsibilites very seriously, so I wouldn't have a problem proving that I am clean.

 

Looking back, its a good job that I maintained my relationships with friends outside the marriage otherwise I'd have been high and dry now that we've separated. Its more that I know she will throw this in my face when I make a move. I think the key thing is, its one thing to go out with friends, but another to sit at home drinking spirits - the latter I feel is the path to hell.

 

I'm monitoring the situation closely back at the matrimonial home - I am there several times a week. I have to admit what I see doesn't please me but its only been a short amount of time. What I don't understand is why she gets so little support from her own family. You are correct of course - I am not responsible for her, only for myself and the kids. Shes also hitting me for more money even though I pay her a LOT in maintenance - more than I am legally obliged to pay. Don't care about supporting her, but I don't want to see my kids suffer.

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notspiritual
Our relationship is slipping through our fingers and its breaking my heart. How should I deal with this?

The relationship means a lot to you. It means much less to her. What is the value of a relationship that can be broken so easily just because someone got bored? See things as there are not as you wish they were. This relationship is not a big loss, deal with it like a man accepting his destiny.

 

And should I even attempt to win her back?
She is destroying her life. It is almost impossible to help someone who does not want to be helped. You don’t have to sink with her. She is the one who should be attempting to win you back!
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totalconfusion

A quick update: went to see the kids tonight, ended up being late as I was working and couldn't get out early enough. Anyway, she leaves as soon as I arrive and when she gets back we have a massive row. It kicked off because she seems to think its ok to talk to me like I'm a lump of sh*t in front of the kids. She goes "i'm back now, you can leave my house". This really winds me up because I pay for that house and will probably do so until my kids leave home to make their own way in the world.

 

I totally lost my rag, had a massive screaming argument. Trying my best to stay cool with her, but she just seems to snipe at me until I eventually lose my temper. She threatened to cut access to the children, something she said she'd never do. Shes always angry everytime we meet - and I think what right does she have to be angry? Its her that had the affair, her that couldn't make the effort to reconcile, she was the one who wanted the trial separation. And now shes angry because she has no money once the bills are paid and she sees me going out when I want, because I'm a single man, whether i like it or not.

 

She brings up divorce, I say fine, because obviously this isn't working. Its getting like we can't speak or be in the same room. I've been trying to be civil, but its not possible for her. I am pretty much ready to file for divorce and attempt to recover my half of the house. Shes labouring under the misapprehension that the courts will simply give her the house because shes got the kids. I don't want my boys to suffer, but she just can't walk off with all the assets.

 

Last week however, I met a woman when I was out in London and going on a date this Friday. yes, I know its totally too soon and don't think I am ready for another relationship just yet, but it made me feel confident again for a while. I feel like I deserve some happiness after the six months of sh*t I have waded through.

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She's angry because she needs to justify her actions. So that requires making you out to be as crappy as possible so that her affair is justifiable in her own mind and everyone else's. It's for show and It's human nature.... She's is trying to get your goat. You need to be the one not allowing that to happen. Cooler heads prevail ... remember that. The best way to diffuse a situation like that is not to play along. Imagine she is a 14 year old girl having a tantrum, you'll see that is pretty close to the truth. An argument is like tennis ... if you don't swing at the ball the volley stops. Take control of yourself and you will take control of the situation. If she starts up on you again at some point just calmly and firmly say I'm not going to listen to this anymore and walk away .... keep walking don't let her draw you back into the fray.

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