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head says try again, heart says divorce


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Howdy everyone,

 

I have really appreciated reading everyone's stories on these boards and seeing all of the thoughtful responses. I am going through a lot of painful stuff at the moment, contemplating leaving my husband, and I would love to hear different perspectives on the situation. This is a long post, for which I apologize.

 

The background is that we've been married for 5 years, together 8. We are young, with no children. We met in graduate school and both work in the same very demanding field. During the last part of graduate school he fell into a deep depression and things started spiraling downward with his self esteem and his career. I gave him a lot of support and huge amounts of patience and time and suggestions and every ounce of forgiveness I could muster during all of the difficult times that he faced, but for years he refused to directly address the depression. He gave very little to the marriage and, in fact, I started to feel like he was sucking all of the energy out of me as well. Feeling unfulfilled in the marriage, I focused on making sure that I was personally strong and happy on my own. I saw therapists, I volunteered, I exceled at work, and I took full responsibility for my life, my career, and my happiness, since I knew he had very little to offer at the time. On top of this I still tried to support him in every way that I could, even when I thought he was making extremely stupid decisions or shooting himself in the foot.

 

Fast forward a couple of years. We moved to a new city, and I started a job that was much much more exciting and interesting than his (my efforts and enthusiasm paid off and now I'm a lot more successful than he is, which of course is hard on him, although I love what I do). We have been here almost two years and the problems have only worsened. He has hated his job and hated his life and had no idea what to do about any of it. Meanwhile any success that I have causes him to get more depressed, and anything that I do for myself (like go to the gym regularly, spend an evening once a month with my work friends, try to keep up on the housework so that I don't feel overhwelmed) indirectly seems to cause him to blow up about something. Without fail, if I do something that is not explicitly paying attention to him, he starts an argument about something stupid. I know that he just feels threatened and that his self-esteem has been rock bottom. But I've been walking on eggshells and afraid to even admit to having a good day at work or get home 15 minutes late for fear of having to deal with all the negativity it will cause.

 

I travel a lot for work and for the last few years, I've noticed that I am much happier on my own then at home. I don't miss him. I usually feel disappointed when I call home and hear him answer with his deadened voice on the other end. I'm tired of supplying the emotional energy and initiative in all things - especially sex. He's been essentially absent as a sexual partner, interpreting all of my suggestions and requests and creative seduction attempts as even more threatening. I have mentioned many times that the relationship wasn't working well for me, talked about what I needed, and even bought books and agreed to go to therapy (although I wanted him to make the appointment, because he has a bad history of not doing that, and indeed he never did). I know he's been depressed, and I know he's had a hard time with work and self esteem and feeling competitive, but I feel like I've done everything. I just want him to be happy, without it needing my constant effort.

 

So now, he has finally started to emerge from his slump. Largely because my threats to leave, after years of being emotionally distant and disengaged, actually seemed serious to him. When I told him I felt I needed to move out I also suggested therapy and gave him even more books to read, and he is finally getting the message. He's been doing a 180 - exercising, taking medication, investing in his life, reading sex guides...everything I would have hoped for three years ago.

 

Trouble is, I am emotionally worn out and I have completely lost interest. I moved out into my own place and of course I love it. I do believe that people can change and I do believe in trying as hard as possible to honor the commitments that I made. But I don't really like my husband any more and to put any more energy into him feels so depressing to me right now. My head says I should give him a chance to show me that he's changed, but my heart is worn out and wants to be totally free.

 

Has anyone gone through something like this? My friends don't understand since they always thought we were the perfect couple. I feel like I must be wrong, but yet I feel so much more secure, content, and hopeful on my own.

 

I would love to hear reactions.

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azianpride143

It seems like you already know what you want. Simply to be out of the relationship. What are you hoping to achieve? Do you want re-assurances for what you are about to decide/embark on? I think you need to be honest with yourself and with your husband with what you feel.

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Thanks for the reply. I am doing my best to be honest with myself but also to be fair to him and the situation. How I am feeling right now is definitely like I want this to be over, and he knows that. But he desperately, desperately wants me back. He loves me like crazy and I know he'll do anything because he actually is. I can see all the changes he's making and it's not like they don't matter. I know you can never be totally sure you are making the right decision, but I suppose I want some feedback. Thanks again.

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azianpride143

So the question is, since he has turned his life around because he does care for you and love you. Are you willing to give it one last shot?

 

Or is his efforts going to be fruitless since you have emotionally moved on already?

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aaaaaiiiiieeeee

I can relate to your husband, having suffered from depression myself. It kind of sounds like you have already made your decision and at least you're confident and strong enough to leave on your own and not b/c of interest in someone else.

 

There are ways to reconnect and bring passion back, but that requires that both people try. It seems you tried for so long and he wouldn't budge, and now he's trying and you're drained. Happens all the time couples are often not on the same wavelength.

 

Occasionally people need a swift kick in the butt to get them to change, often the start out to do it for the other person when they should really be doing it for themselves. This is his swift kick in the butt. If you're going to break it with him then do it cleanly, quickly, and don't string him along.

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