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Not-so-common situation


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First post as a registered user, yet I've read the boards for the past months. It is now my turn to come here for suggestions, validation or approval if you can call it that.

I got married young, without much dating. Needless to say, I jumped into a situation that involved being a step-dad to 4 kids and married to a woman 4 years older than I (Which isnt necessarily a bad thing). I 23 at the time, she 27. Was it foolish and silly in retrospect? Somewhat. You fall madly in love, and when its the first time, you become blinded by reality.

I quickly took on the role of 'stepdad', with their real dad still in the picture. I also took on the role of provider and homemaker all in one. I cook 95% of the time, I clean, do the dishes and most everything else. I work a full-time job to support and keep insurance on all 6 of us, and still try to have as much time on my hands to be involved in the daily things the kids do, as well as their various dance lessons, soccer practises and such.

I have felt used for over a year now. My wife does not work, but stays home with the kids, yet nothing seems to ever get done around the house. Unless I clean, the place looks like a clip from one of the 'Most messy houses you've ever seen' tv shows. Yes, while we have a lot of fun together when I'm not too tired of upset/depressed, I am at the end. She's used various excuses, such as in her previous marriage, she did ALL the work, and refuses to be told what to do now. I understood in the beginning, but now, I am left with resentment towards her over it. I have tried, I really have...I've gotten so upset and pleaded with her over it, and shes eventually admitted she needs to do more around the house. The fact is, nothing ever changes. I can't say how many times I've been promised that things will change, but they never do. Its been like this since we met.

Then theres the financial burden. I was practically fresh out of college, and got put on the spot, financially. I have a decent job, but my income is no greater than the 30k range. Yes, its livable, but when you have 4 kids, it takes out a big chunk. She is not the economical type, and is very frivilous with the money thats made, so I am stuck seeing every paycheck practically be gone before it arrived. As far as her getting a job? She continually says she wants to, but it never happens, and I never think it will to be honest. To my knowledge, she has never held a full-time job in her life.

 

There is also the issue of being a stepdad. Yes, I love the kids, and do my best to 'treat them as my own'. I went into this marriage, fully prepared to take on the responsibility of these kids, but always wanted one of my own down the road with her, and she felt the same way. About 8 months ago though, I found out that she cannot have anymore kids due to health issues, so this won't happen in this relationship. The problem is, I've become extremely depressed over it. Anything related to kids/babies, easily sends me into a depression for the rest of the day. She is unaffected by this, leading me to believe she really only said what she said about wanting a child with me, in order to appease me.

 

I feel as if my entire life is laid out for me, and I am 25. This is okay, if only I had the support from the person I'm with, to get things done together. I don't want to be the one doing everything for the rest of my life, and I am scared to death I'll wake up, 50 years old, having given up a lot of happiness and very precious moments I couldve had, for this.

Yet, I feel a strong sense of responsibility to these kids, and even my wife. I am not a cheater, drunk, drug user, abusive husband, or anything, and when I make a promise, I try my absolute best to fullfil it.

 

I'm ready to call it quits, yet I go back and forth, thinking I am for some reason overreacting, or making the wrong choice. I still love her, and I suppose that doesnt help my decision making at all.

 

So here I am, asking for advice. Is this okay? Am I supposed to just go along with this, sacrificing everything I have, for this?

Or, am I in the wrong relationship, with the wrong woman, and need to get out?

 

I really need some insight and advice.

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Kwo-ne'-she

In my opinion, when the W stays at home, and the H works to bring in a paycheck ~ it is the Ws "job" to take care of the house. That is the trade off. (and I may get flamed for saying so) You go to work, provide money that the family needs to survive. She needs to take care of the rest. Not that she should be your maid, and wait on you hand and foot. Not that you should never help out with housework. Just....the majority of household chores should be hers, IMO.

 

If she was unable to have children, and led you to believe she not only wanted to but could, before you married ~ that's just wrong. If you knew she was unable to going into the marriage....that's different.

 

You mentioned that you are the sole provider, and how rough it is. Do the children's father not pay some form of child support?

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dropdeadlegs

I agree that it is your wife's "job" to maintain the home. When I don't work, I do everything so that time with my SO on weekends can be spent doing fun things, even if that fun is just chilling out watching TV. When an infant is involved that is a little different, but I assume that all of these children are at least 3 years of age at this point.

 

It was bold, even noble, on your part to take on a large ready-made family. Not many men of that age would be up to the task. Four young children are a handful, and I commend that you were willing to accept that your wife came as a package deal.

 

It appears that you have talked about this issue until you are blue in the face and exasperated. The fact that your wife "did everything" in her last marriage is not an excuse to go to the opposite extreme of doing almost nothing.

 

Does your wife know how to cook? Some men enjoy cooking and prefer to do it, but your wife could at least do the cleaning up. Overall it sounds like she needs to grow up a bit. Actually a lot. She might want to consider herself lucky to have found a man like you, because with four young kids there are many out there who would put her in the "too much baggage" zone as a 27 year old twice divorced mother of four. Assuming you were to announce that enough is enough and be on your way.

 

How did she support herself before you came along? You say that she has never held a full time job and I'm curious how she managed.

 

A big wake up call is in order. I would approach the subject a final time and tell her that you are overwhelmed to the point of misery. State that things have got to change, change NOW, and remain changed. No more better for a few days then back to the status quo, or you will have to seriously consider leaving. Loving someone is all good and well, but living with them is another story. Love truly is not enough for most people. Marriage is a partnership, and each partner needs to contribute somewhere in the 50/50 range on most days. Large families present the same problems as smaller ones, just on a larger basis. If the children are old enough, assign chores to them, too. Even young children can be taught that contributions are important in a family.

 

Many will suggest marriage counseling, and that would be great. I have lived in a large family with pretty minimal income and know that time and money constraints are difficult to afford.

 

If your wife needs some general help in attaining and maintaining a household, this website may be helpful. It is a bit over the top, but has a lot of good ideas and suggestions on how to live in a clutter free environment.

 

http://www.flylady.net

 

Good luck, dear. I hope this can be worked out. Your wife would be a fool to let a catch like you go.

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Sounds to me like you have 5 children you're taking care of. And it's more common than you think. A similar thing happened to a buddy of mine. He was supporting his wife, brother, sister and mom all at once on one income in a two bedroom apartment.

 

Time to stand up for yourself. If she doesn't know now she needs to learn that she can and will lose you if things don't change and pretty fast. If that doesn't seem to matter to her then you would be better off moving on.

 

What the heck does she do all day when you're working?

 

Set up marriage counciling so there's a mediator at tell her that this is mandatory or you will walk. If you can't afford that maybe your pastor if you both attend church regularly. There is no way you should be in this position. Her last marriage has nothing to do with this one and there's no way in hell you should be paying for the last guys problems...If in fact that's the way things were.. people don't often change that much in two relationships.

 

Just keep it all as businesslike as possible. Don't back down but also don't make it yelling, cutting down, judging etc. Don't make it like " YOO never...or YOU this or YOU that" Take the approach "I feel that.." If she starts with nastiness find a way to diffuse that and start again when things calm down. Time to make a deal or break it..

 

Don't be her doormat, butler, dad and maid.

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One word ~ "Walk"

[sIZE=2][/sIZE][sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]Don't be going ~ be gone. [/sIZE]

 

She's selfish, self-centered, "entitled" etc

 

She's using and abusing you!

 

All you are to her is a meal ticket ~ get out while you can.

 

Statiscally, having married younger than 25, you've only got a 10% of making this work to begin with.

 

You want children of your own ~ she can't provide them to you, that's a one way ticket to the big city of "Resentmentville"

 

And, no! MC ~ not going to work? She's got zero incentive to change. Why should she? She's got it made. She's got you working yourself into an early grave both at work and at home while she does nothing more than feed you candy and lies.

 

Don't be going ~ be gone! (BTW ~ I'm that 50 year old guy you're talking about. My situation wasn't the exactly the same ~ but similar. To this day, one of the greatest regrets was the 12 years of the best years of my life that I wasted on the XW)

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Thank you for all your replies this morning. I kept wondering if I was the crazy one, and you just gave me enough confidence to do what I just did.

I cannot believe what just happened. She backed me into a corner an hour ago, asking why I'd been so closed off the past month and that I had issues I needed to fix, or...as she put it, was ready to give me an ultimatum.

I let it all out. The house, finances, job, having a child, all of it.

She turned it around on me, saying her 'only minor fault' was that she hated cleaning and that I am the one who needs to fix my issues.

I am absolutely dumbfounded right now. She took the kids and left. I'm really really upset, someone please tell me I'm not making the wrong decision here.

Shaking...I guess its all starting now.

 

To make matters worse, I am from Europe. I have no family here, and have had zero time for friends the last year. I'll have to use this as support...I don't really have much else.

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dropdeadlegs

What a whack job! It's all YOUR fault? I know I don't live in your home and have only heard half of a story, but let me tell you something. YOU still have a lot to offer a nice young girl who will be only too happy to give you children, YOUR children. SHE has 300 pounds of baggage to offer the next guy willing to buy her little song and dance.

 

What a piece of work. It might just be time to count your blessings. It won't be easy, but you will find a lot of support here. You've got mine anyway.

 

Think how much easier your life will be. Cooking for one. Cleaning up only after yourself. No child support or any monetary help to go her way.

 

She, on the other hand, now has all the responsibilities you have been shouldering, and she will also need to seek employment to boot. If she can't handle cooking and cleaning now, she will be completely incapable of doing them with the added responsibilities of getting four kids up and off to school, daycare, wherever; getting her butt to a low paying job with little future, only to go pick up the four and tackle any homework, a meal, and baths before getting herself off to bed.

 

Who's life sounds harder and who's sounds easier? Be happy that you get the easy one and that you won't lose one red cent of that hard earned income to her for the next 18 years.

 

She will probably come begging as soon as she has a minute to think about how much change she is in for.

 

Good luck, and keep posting however this works out.

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She took the kids and left. I'm really really upset, someone please tell me I'm not making the wrong decision here.

 

Sounds like SHE made the decision. And if what you said is true, I think before long you will feel relieved and grateful that she is gone. It might cost you a small alimony check, but since she was the one who left, that should help your case alot. Oh, and the biological father continues making child support (he has been sending those payments all along, right?) so the kids will be provided for.

 

Down the road, I hope you find the wife you deserve.

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dropdeadlegs
It might cost you a small alimony check, but since she was the one who left, that should help your case alot.

Damn, I left two marriages , both times I was unemployed, and I never got any alimony. Guess I live in the wrong state. We have no-fault divorce laws. If alimony is a possibility, I would fight that tooth and nail. She left and you have been paying to take care of her in EVERY way for too long.

 

I did have a thought while working in the yard. I know almost nothing about immigration and naturalization. Does she hold any cards in that way? Are your papers in order and you can continue life in the US? (I assume you are in the US.)

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dropdeadlegs = psychic.

 

Everything you said she was going to do, shes done. Shortly after leaving the house (an hour?), I get a phone call, asking if I'll go out to dinner. I accepted, and we talked things over. Shes asking if we can stay 'friends', and live together for now, until she can get things in order.

This touches another subject, dropdeadlegs, brought up. She does hold some cards as far as papers, and if I do decide to leave now or in the near future, I will be forced to move back. Its none here or there though, as I've been homesick for quite some time now. Without her and the kids, I honestly had decided a long time ago, should it end, I'd move back and get a fresh start. (I live in Skandinavia).

So, at first, I agreed to stay until our lease is up, which is in June. I am not a horrible monster, and I'm going to give her a chance to get things worked out. Then during dinner, it was her asking if I could stay in the house, and help out until I move back, which would be late this year, as I'm wanting to save up some money. Well, that got turned into her trying to persuade me to wait until tax season, so I can take 50% of that with me as well.

I dont know...I'm very confused right now. I fear that staying with her, even until I go back home, is nothing but a heartache and trouble that will lead to more trouble. It does help me in the way of a vehicle, and not having to worry about finding a place to stay for the next ~6-8 months. It would help for the kids as well, giving them a chance to ease into the situation.

If I stay in the house, we'll be nothing more than friends, pretending to be married for the sake of the kids. Shes said I'll have whatever freedom I want. The problem I'm worried about is, I'll get stuck with the bills, while she is 'attempting' to find a job or go to school or whatever she ends up doing.

 

I dont know...a lot of crying has been going on the past hours in my house by the both of us, mostly her. She says I promised I'd never hurt her, and that she gave everything she ever had to me. She opened herself up, once more, and trusted me.

 

I have to be firm and decide on something, or I'll go crazy. The above scenario sounds very emotional, and I'm not sure its a good way of ending a relationship. If only I could hate her, be furious with her, it would be easier...but at this point, im not.

 

I'll keep posting.

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dropdeadlegs

I was born an American, and I love the US, but if I were to leave, Scandinavia would be where I would relocate today. You didn't elaborate on which country is your home, but Norway would likely be my choice. I know more about Norway, although that knowledge is subjective as a woman, and I know very little about Denmark and Sweden.

 

Wow, it's been an incredibly difficult day. I am not at all psychic, yet I liked that you thought so. :) I have more life experience at my age (42) but you were/are far more mature at your age than I was.

 

I am still in awe of the importance you are placing on the children. That is so mature, and the average American in your shoes would not be nearly as concerned about their well being. You are a true catch, whether your wife realizes that or not. I'm truly sorry for the pain you are feeling.

 

How you proceed from here is up to you. Can you accept a "friendship" marriage? If you plan to go home, you don't have to accept it. If the lease is until June, I would feel responsible until June. You have mentioned 6-8 months? Tax season at 50/50 is probably to her benefit. As your spouse she would likely be entitled to half the refund, yet the children might make for a bigger refund. As someone who is not currently paying US income taxes yet I have children, she has nothing to lose and you *MAY* benefit, but I cannot guarantee that. I understand your wanting to save money, but consider that there may be a cost as well in staying in the same household as "friends." That cost may be monetary and it may be emotional, as you have suggested. You may be paying the bills in the meantime, too. Since you have no children together, other than the lease, you probably have few other monetary obligations. Your citizenship status may have relevance. I just don't know.

 

I am confused about your reference to a "vehicle" I assume you would fly to Scandinavia, and a vehicle may be expensive to ship. Just know what that entails, as you should review all of your options.

 

Since divorce seems to be what she wants and expects (that surprised me; I am not psychic) I would base my decisions on how I would best financially come out of this situation. I don't have those answers, as your citizenship is something I am not familiar with tax-wise. I would speak with an attorney and an accountant to better understand my rights and options. that should cost in the neighborhood of $100 for both.

 

Please do not feel guilty about the comment that "you promised to never hurt her." You have been equally hurt. It's not like you slept with her sister, so don't let her have custody of the "hurt" factor. You are hurting too.

 

I'm so sorry that on the day you registered that all of this has happened. Regardless of how it all turns out, I hope you will continue to post on LoveShack. You have so much to offer others and I hope that no matter what happens that you will continue to post. Your point of view is very different and needed.

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My inital response was for you to get out while you can ~ and I still stand by that. She's selfish and its all about "me".

 

Stay or go, its up to you. But even with staying I'd be laying down some bounderies, and she would be pulling her load around the house and with the other responsibilities of running a household ~ married or not. Its only on tv that a van full of women come zooming up to your house and clean your bathroom. And, I hate to break it to her, but there's no such things as housecleaning faries that clean the house in the middle of the night while she's asleep.

 

I'd would be laying down the law (setting down some rules) and bounderies. She'd be getting off butt and helping around the house.

 

And, in case you've not figured it out she's a very controlling and manipulative person ~ and even now she's trying to play you and put your through a guilt trip. Don't buy into it! She knows exactally what she's doing.

 

First she conners you up and delivers an ultimatim to you, then she storms out the house, then she calls and wants to "talk", then she's trying to convince you that you're the one with the issues, and then she trys to make you feel guilty because you went back on your word, and last but not least she turns on the waterworks? Yea! Sign me up for forty years of that ~ not to mention you're working a fulltime job, coming home and giving her your paycheck and getting busy with your second fulltime job of cooking, cleaning, taking care of the children. Let me guess? She's the one that decides when the two of you have sex?

 

Come on, man! You seriously need to "Man the Hell Up" ~ where's some of that good old Norse blood of yours?

 

She's taking advantage of you because of where your from. I know most people fron Skandinavia are pretty laid back, chilled out people, but this woman is using and abusing you.

 

The first thing that you need to do is to make an appointment with INS, and find out what your options are. Just go in and talk to them. Tell what the deal is, and ask what your options. I'm willing to bet that if you telling them that your ultimate objective is to return to Skandinavia, but that you need some time, they'd be willing to work with you. But, if your already married to an American citizen, and working in the United States aren't you already a "green card" legal immigrant.

 

You're coming across as someone that came over on a student visa, married an American Citizen and stayed pass their student visa. If that's the case ~ you need to come clean and just go talk to the folks. On the down low from a pay phone. I'm still thinking they'll work with you, but be very, very careful.

 

If you can afford it you might even want to speak to an immigration attorney ~ I'd highly recommend that (As a matter of fact I wouldn't even speak to INS in person without one). You're coming across as having some fears and doubts ~ and more times than not that's the birthchild of ignorance (you just don't know).

 

I'm thinking you've got more options than you realize. I'm also thinking the wife's been bullying you and threatening with you with this BS. Either you toe the line or I'm calling INS on your azz!

 

Trust me on this one! INS has got bigger fish to catch and fry than a law abiding, tax paying, college educated illegal immigrant that stayed past his student visa. If anything they just want to do the paperwork, and clear another name off the list so they can deal with the immigration problems that matter.

 

Keep posting!

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dropdeadlegs / Gunny

I excluded my country, due to initial fears that if my wife somehow comes across this board, she might realize who this post is about. But, in all reality, at this point, if she did see it...she'd have to be plain stupid not to know. I am from Denmark, and yes...Skandinavia is a great place. I miss being 'home' more than I imagined, and after having been over here for ~6 years without a trip home, I also miss my family (Mom + Brother).

As gunny hinted at, I did indeed come over here on a student visa. Its pretty complicated stuff, and I don't really feel like I need to go into it, but right now I am considered an 'illegal' alien. I've received advice from an attorney a bit back, and was basically told that since I entered the country legally, I had much better options than most. Being married makes it even easier, its really just a matter of filing and moving forward with the help of an attorney. The funny part is, I've wanted to get that done, but...the reality of it is, the money has never been there to do it. I know I know, it sounds silly, but it is what it is. At this point though, I really don't even have a desire to mess with it. I am very set on going back, it's just a matter of when and the attorney made it very clear, that noone will come knocking on my door for deportation for a long long time, they have more important things to do.

Oh, and since you now know english is my second language, I can finally start making excuses for my sometimes very odd sentence structure! :laugh:

 

The mention of a vehicle was done because right now, we have only one car and to boot, its in her name. Right now, I am about 10 miles from my job, so having a car is a must. As you can probably imagine by now, my credit has also been shot to all hell by this mess of a marriage. I've tried getting a vehicle before, and its very very difficult. Then theres the down payment, etc etc. I just don't have that option open that easily...I'm sure if it came down to it, I could figure something out, but that...ontop of finding a place to stay etc...it seems a lot easier to just stay until I return to Denmark. If I do indeed decide to stay for the next 6-8 months, many boundaries will have to be set. I'm just not sure I can cope with it emotionally, because whether or not this woman has done what she's done to me, I still have feelings for her.

 

Then theres the kids. You guys initial thoughts of their ages are a bit off. She had twins at 18, and then the other 2 just followed suit. They're 10/10/8/6, old enough to be heavily affected by this, which I very much regret. The twins are boy/girl, 8 year old is a girl and 6 year old is a boy.

The girls and I are very close, and I am terrified what this is going to do to them. Their dad does indeed pay child support, less than he should, but he is an A-hole towards them. His only benefit in their existance is throwing money at them, as he has plenty of that. Atleast their grandparents play a very active role in their life, and I know they'll step up to the plate if something should ever go that terribly wrong.

 

Sigh...

 

When I began this last night, I was NOT ready to go ahead with this plan yet, but like I said earlier, I was cornered and I just let it out. It came out very different than I had imagined, but atleast its done and out in the open which is a huge relief.

 

I know what the tax refund will be, as nothing have changed from last year (around ~5k). Yes, its to her benefit...I know this, but me as well.

You need to know that this is way more about easing the kids into this, than anything. I highly doubt that staying there for another 10 months is going to be worth $2500, as I'll most likely be paying more then that in just bills and a helluva lot more in heartache.

 

I just dont know at this point. This all happened so fast...

Thank you dropdeadlegs for your compliments though, they're much appreciated. I always thought I had something decent to offer a woman down the road, I just didn't picture my life being what it is now. Prior to this, I was just so focused on my college, I never spent any time with dating. Zero...then this came along, and I was just..blinded by it, I guess.

When I do go back, I just need to kick back and relax some. I know I won't have problems finding dates once back there though , as i my wife and others have 'ranked' me high on that scale thinger mabobber that so many people seem to use, though I never considered myself good looking as I used to be extremely insecure. I've grown up tremendously the past 2 years though with all this going on and hopefully, I can be taken serious, although things back in Denmark & Skandinavia is very different in many ways. I'm actually very excited about it, yet terrified at the same time.

I'm rambling, gonna wrap this up.

 

I'll keep you updated as to what happens...quite unsure right now, just know it'll end in me returning at some point.

 

And dropdeadlegs, regardless, I'd be happy to help offer input on this board, so I'll be around.

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I'm of an age with DDL and Gunny, and I've got to tell you... if I sent my young, naive son off to college in a foreign country and next thing he was wrapped up at the age of 23, sole provider for a ready-made family, and unhappy to boot... I'd be having a frigging STROKE by now! :p

 

Seriously, I can understand how that sort of thing can happen. But what I CANNOT understand... is how your wife could let it. This may sound unkind and I'm sorry if it does, but she's got FOUR children to raise, She didn't have the luxury of putting all her eggs in one basket as it were, and then giving you lip about how 'in her last marriage she did ALL the work and refuses to to any now'. Sorry. That doesn't cut it when you've got babies to take care of. :mad:

She had no business betting their future on a 23 year-old immigrant right out of college. It's irresponsible in terms of seeing to her own obligations.

 

Now, you're a nice guy. You sincerely seem to care about not only her, but her children as well. And while I'm not suggesting to you that you STOP being a nice guy... what I AM suggesting is that you not trade in the next 20 years of your life on what was essentially a kid's mistake. I think maybe you got into a situation in which you didn't have much experience with women, sexual experience even... and you got in over your head.

 

There's two ways you can go with this. You can either repair the marriage or end it. But you need to get off the fence and make a decision, so you can bring the appropriate energy to it, know what I mean? ANYTHING you go at half-assed is going to end up... well, "half-assed".

 

If you're sure you want to end it, sooner is better than later. Don't get bogged down in the little details like cars and whatnot. She's in no position to play games with you. Afterall, there's nothing stopping you from buying a plane ticket and leaving TODAY. If she doesn't want to provide transportation for you to go to your job... you just don't go. She can figure out where she's gonna get the grocery money or how she'll provide insurance for her kids.

 

If I were you, I'd give her three months. I'd move in with a buddy during that time too, because she'll use whatever time you give her to try and change your mind. If you're SURE that divorce is what you want, it's better to rip the band-aid off all at once. Send her whatever money you can, but get into NC and stay there. NC doesn't send mixed messages. ;)

 

If you don't have a buddy you can stay with... send her back to her mother's while you EARN what you can in three months time and give her a window of opportunity to get on her feet where she can manage the bills.

 

Meanwhile, see an attorney and get the divorce filed, get your transportation lined up, and for God's sake man... don't get wrapped up with any more women. Wait to date until you get back home.

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i agree with the posters here and their good input...

 

one thing we are forgetting is timing and how long it sometimes takes to finalize a divorce... if that does happen.

 

you may need the 6-8 months here to get that settled before returning to Denmark...

 

just a thought to keep in mind.

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You always have the option of going down to your local INS office and going ape on the place with a baseball bat? That way they'll deport you and you can get a plane ride home for free? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 

But seriously, I'm with Lady Jane, I'd be exiting stage left PDQ (Getting out Pretty Damn Quick), and like Lady Jane, if your were my son? I'd be selling the plow mule and milk cow to get you back home and out of there! ;)

 

(Edit~ sorry forgot your from Denmark ~ that means I'd sell whatever it took to get you back home ~ even the essentials of life for making a living)

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Yes I actually enjoy playing devils advocate... since everyone has pretty much given you one side I'll try to give you another. If not for this relationship then for the next.

 

Yes, she has been irresponsible. I won't deny that... but if she is the irresponsible one then who has been the responsible one? Yeah, it's you. I am not saying you are responsible for her behavior, but I am saying you are responsible for your own.

 

I say this because I've been there, and I've had to learn the hard way that a lot of the things I thought HAD to be done were just a matter of personal preference. As long as I was doing the work there was no reason for him to do his part, I was doing both of our parts. You have been doing her part, and honestly... why WOULD she want to change that? There just isn't any incentive when everything is handed to you.

 

Yes she would come crawling back, she has it good and she knows it. If you are going to share a home with her you need some ground rules. Do not take responsibilty for her finances, her messes, or her irresponsibility.

 

There's another reason she came crawling back to you though... it's a game. You pressed the change issue and so she pressed back, she left. Now your move is supposed to be realizing you were totally wrong, and let things slip back to what she has come to accept as normal.

 

It's called the change-change back game. She doesn't even realize she is doing it most likely, and no it isn't because she is mean... most people do this dance throughout their lives. When you try to enact a change in your life that affects other people, even a good change, people end up getting uncomfortable. She is out of her comfort zone and she is going to do whatever she can to get back into it.

 

Your job is to not play the game. Don't do things just to spite her, don't slip into blame, don't be mean. Make sure that she understands that your choices aren't about hurting her, but taking care of yourself. Make sure she understands what you will and will not be responsible for, and stick to it. She will come up with emergencies, she will try to manipulate you back to the old way. Don't get angry, just say NO.

 

So no, I'm not taking her side... actually I am encouraging you to take yourself out of the game and think about you for a bit.

 

Get a hold of the book Boundaries in Marriage... it's a very good book, and even if this relationship is over it will help you avoid a repeat of the situation.

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You're too young for this crap (not that age has anything to do with it really). Get out and go home. Honestly, which is better - being alone or in that mess?

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