Finally ready to share my problems....

[LaLa-momoftwins]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. My husband of 12 ½ years controls everything that I do. I do not have many friends and those that I do have he says aren’t real friends because they do not know the “real” me. I cannot go anywhere without letting him know ahead of time, and if I am late, or I do not call, he blows up! Recently, I changed the disbursement for my direct deposit and he has gone ballistic! He wants complete control of the money because I am not responsible enough to handle it. He said I cannot control my spending, which is why he had to control the money. I am the only one working. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]For 11 of our 14 year relationship, he has been ill and only worked sometimes. He is now disabled and receiving social security. His back SS pay was the down payment for our house, which the mortgage is only in his name, and the payments come solely out of his SS checks. I pay EVERYTHING else. I had to open my own checking account because he said he is throwing me out of HIS house at the end of the month. Once I get my own place, he said we can share parenting our 2 children. He also thinks he is going to get alimony.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]I have been untruthful to him about money and spending. I fear every purchase I make, either for myself or my children. The most recent argument was that I spent too much money at a Girl Scout event right before I got paid. In this time period, the starter went on his car, and he blames me for his having to walk for 2 days because we did not have any money to fix it until I got paid. We are not broke, he has money in the savings account (that I cannot touch) He can’t handle not having “six months worth of bills” put away. He calls my office repeatedly to yell at me and I cannot work. He has forced me to leave jobs in the past and even gotten me fired from a few because of his incessant calling and screaming at me. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]He tells me repeatedly that he only yells and screams at me because I make him angry, and his anger is a sign of his hurt over my lies. I did not have much growing up and I do have a shopping compulsion. Now, I am afraid to tell him about anything I buy or what I spend at the grocery store, because I am so tired of the arguments. Yes, I LIE to him about money. Remember, I am the only person working in our house and it is MY money! Because of this, he brings up EVERY lie I have ever told him, every “wrong” thing I have ever done, every single time we argue.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]We have been through marriage counseling. What he gets out of the counseling is that my family is evil and that I should never have any contact with them ever! What I remember from the various counselors (we have been to 3) is that they said my family should not control or interfere in our lives (they do not). He wants me to have no contact whatsoever with my twin sister. She has been deceptive to me, even using my ss# to get a line of credit that she never paid. Because of her behavior, he wants me to cut her off completely. He even wants to “get revenge” on her at our upcoming 20th reunion so that “everyone will know what a two-faced lair she is.”[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]I am afraid to take the next step. I know it is separation and divorce, but I do not want my marriage to end this way. I love him and we do have fun and I love the family activities and the identity that I have with my family.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]Please help me. Any advice or similar situations, anything.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[polywog]

You will probably get lots of helpful posts, but my advice is to consult a lawyer immediately, even if you feel reluctant.

 

Others will have more to say on this, I'm sure....

 

And I'm sorry that you're going through this awful stuff...

[AHIWON]

Your husband sounds like a total control freak. I don't think you can really fix that. I'd say get away too. You would be happy again.

[MoonGirl]

Hi,

 

I am also married to a very controlling, verbally/emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive man (we are separated). It is horrible, and I feel very badly for you.

 

Since you have already been to counseling with your husband, I'm not sure what to tell you. You need to change the way you view your identity: you are not simply a wife to this man, you are a person with thoughts, ideas, feelings, and needs. In order to break free from the abuse, you need to understand what the abuse has done to you and how you can overcome it. You have to be very strong. I recommend reading a book or two about verbal abuse by Patricia Evans (if you haven't already).

 

As for the financial dilemmas in your life, please seek advice from a lawyer. In my experience, my lawyer told me to make sure to take my children with me most of the time and to journal their time with me vs. with husband, and do not pay for anything unless it is court-ordered (that means you shouldn't give your husband ANY money for ANYTHING when you separate). If your husband doesn't work, then you might have an easier time gaining sole custody. If you can prove he is abusive, you'll have an easier time gaining custody too. Record every conversation you have with him (the digital recorders are silent). If he threatens you in any way, call 911 (you'll have a record of the abuse). In some states, the recorded conversations are admissible in court.

 

If your husband expects you to pay alimony, then certainly you can expect 1/2 of the house and 1/2 of the money in his bank account(s). Make sure you file for divorce first and ask for the moon (no alimony to him, sole custody of the children, 1/2 of the house, 1/2 of all money in bank account(s), etc). Make sure you note that the reason for divorce is abuse and NOT irrec. differences.

[Gunny376]

Your husband sounds like a total control freak. I don't think you can really fix that. I'd say get away too. You would be happy again.

 

I disagree ~ AHIWON ~ he sounds like a complete *******!

[LaLa-momoftwins]

As for the financial dilemmas in your life, please seek advice from a lawyer. In my experience, my lawyer told me to make sure to take my children with me most of the time and to journal their time with me vs. with husband, and do not pay for anything unless it is court-ordered (that means you shouldn't give your husband ANY money for ANYTHING when you separate). If your husband doesn't work, then you might have an easier time gaining sole custody.

 

Moongirl-Thanks for the advice. My biggest problem is that he is with the children 70% of the time they are not in school. He picks them up from school and is with them until I get home at 6. He says that the time they spend with me, I am just yelling at them. Well, as he never disciplines them, it falls to me! He has told me repeatedly that he would get sole custody because I am a bad mother and constantly scream.

 

If he could only hear himself when he yells at the kids! I tell him all the time to not talk to me like he does in front of the children, to back down when he is screaming at them, etc. Like all "losers" he believes he is not at fault and is only reacting to me.

 

I am not sure where to go from here.

[AHIWON]

Moongirl-Thanks for the advice. My biggest problem is that he is with the children 70% of the time they are not in school. He picks them up from school and is with them until I get home at 6. He says that the time they spend with me, I am just yelling at them. Well, as he never disciplines them, it falls to me! He has told me repeatedly that he would get sole custody because I am a bad mother and constantly scream.

 

If he could only hear himself when he yells at the kids! I tell him all the time to not talk to me like he does in front of the children, to back down when he is screaming at them, etc. Like all "losers" he believes he is not at fault and is only reacting to me.

 

I am not sure where to go from here.

 

That sucks, even using the kids to control you.

 

That is just toxic and you have to get away. Figure out a plan for you and your kids and get away. He doesn't deserve them or you. Don't take any more abuse. Get out of it. It's going to be hard but you will thank yourself later.

[LaLa-momoftwins]

So last night was more of the same-getiing b*ched at for the car problems, etc. He wanted to know which doctors I had called and why couldn't I get an appointment for Firday(my day off) I explained to him that with the insurance we have (mine-incidentially from work) they have to call for approval, then there is an issue with the deductible, etc. He also sort of apologized for calling me at work and calling me names. I say sort of, becuase he "justified" it, saying I made him call me names.

 

As I was going up to bed (my own bed in our den) my son wanted me to fix his blankets form falling off the bed. I did. Shortly after, he told my H that when he was going to the bathroom, his foot caught the blankets and they came off the bed. Weel H went to go fix the blankets and our son had balled the blankets up in an effort to get us to re-make the bed. After my H re-made the bed and said goodnight to our son, he came upstairs screaming at me that it was my fault our son lied to him about the freakin' blankets! That my whole family are all liars, i will never change and he does not want to be raising a bunch of liars! Then he said if our children were going to lie like me, then we could all get out.

 

I am not sure how much more I can take. I do not have the resources to move out and the house is in his name completely. All the mortgage and down payments have ben made out of his SS account, but I pay everything else. Because of the amount of $$ involved, I seriously wish he would just die already. I have put up with his health issues and being a "martyr" on everything!

 

I cannot afford to move and I do not want to leave my children to stay with my sister. I hope to go see a counselor this week, I am hoping it will be the one we saw before, as she knows the whole story already. She wa helpful to me, and I hope she can be again.

 

Thanks for reading my rants and for any advice. Looking forward to that "divorce Diet" I want to look good for my reunion.

[MoonGirl]

The thing is - your husband can threaten you all he wants, but in the end, he won't be making any of the decisions about child custody. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are and also go through the probable settlement scenario of a divorce.

 

Also, go to therapy and find some ways to discipline your kids without yelling. I know you're frustrated and unhappy, but yelling at the kids probably only makes things worse in your house. If you can calm down and find ways to discipline without yelling, your kids will respect you more and will have fond memories of you when they get older.

 

Your husband sounds like a complete a**hole. But, like you, I know what its like to be caught up in a relationship with someone who is so mean.

 

These articles might help you:

http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html

 

http://www.drjoecarver.com/stockholm.html

[MoonGirl]

So last night was more of the same-getiing b*ched at for the car problems, etc. He wanted to know which doctors I had called and why couldn't I get an appointment for Firday(my day off) I explained to him that with the insurance we have (mine-incidentially from work) they have to call for approval, then there is an issue with the deductible, etc. He also sort of apologized for calling me at work and calling me names. I say sort of, becuase he "justified" it, saying I made him call me names.

 

As I was going up to bed (my own bed in our den) my son wanted me to fix his blankets form falling off the bed. I did. Shortly after, he told my H that when he was going to the bathroom, his foot caught the blankets and they came off the bed. Weel H went to go fix the blankets and our son had balled the blankets up in an effort to get us to re-make the bed. After my H re-made the bed and said goodnight to our son, he came upstairs screaming at me that it was my fault our son lied to him about the freakin' blankets! That my whole family are all liars, i will never change and he does not want to be raising a bunch of liars! Then he said if our children were going to lie like me, then we could all get out.

 

I am not sure how much more I can take. I do not have the resources to move out and the house is in his name completely. All the mortgage and down payments have ben made out of his SS account, but I pay everything else. Because of the amount of $$ involved, I seriously wish he would just die already. I have put up with his health issues and being a "martyr" on everything!

 

I cannot afford to move and I do not want to leave my children to stay with my sister. I hope to go see a counselor this week, I am hoping it will be the one we saw before, as she knows the whole story already. She wa helpful to me, and I hope she can be again.

 

Thanks for reading my rants and for any advice. Looking forward to that "divorce Diet" I want to look good for my reunion.

 

Your husband is a nut.

 

First, DO NOT EVER leave your children with this man. The legal system will view that as you abandoning them, and your children will also feel abandoned by you. Can you and the kids both stay with your sister for a bit? Also call the local women's shelter. They can help you and the kids find affordable accomodation.

 

Talk to a lawyer. Most of them have free 1-hour consultations.