surfnbro74 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 This is my first thread here. Ive been reading others for a long time now and been using everyones thread as therapy and using advices that yall give each other. Now I came to an obstacle I cant seem to jump over. Together for total of 11 yrs and marry for 3 yrs will be 4 yrs by this thursday march 15, legally anyways. We have one child together shes also turning 3 on march 15 on the same day as our anniversary. Been seperated since December same scenario "I'm not in love with you anymore. I want some time for myself etc." Shes been feeling like this for a couple years now. Later came to find out shes been talking to a co-worker. Im 32 yrs and my wife is 28 yrs. We seem to have a good life together always having fun and travel a lot. We socialize a lot and we have a lot of friends to hang out with, lets just say on our wedding day we had 500 people attend. Of course I always make time for just the two of us. After we had a baby our social life lessen a little but we still find time to go out and have fun. Both of us have a very caring family so the grandmas always willing to baby sit anyday, anytime. Im the kind of guy that likes to see my wife have the best of both world. I want her to be a wife and a mom but at the same time I want her to have a social life too and same goes for me. I never so "no" to her when she wants to go out with her girlfriends. As a matter of fact I even push her to go out with them. I pretty much give her anything she wants, as long as it dont go out of our limitations. If anything Im more materialist than her..lol So, I end up spending more money on myself sometimes. Im a very caring person and I always showed it to her. So really I dont know where I've gone wrong. The only thing I can think of is when she was pregnant I was still in the going out mode and party a lot and didnt tend to her needs as much as I should. She did pointed that out to me and was very upset, but after we had the baby I decided to to change and be more responsible. So long story short, I moved back to my parents house and so did she. Weekdays she have the baby and weekend I have her. Like I said I been reading here ever since we seperated and taking everyones advice and been using it on her. Still nothing changed with her feelings, so I feel like I tried my best. Now I finally accepted its over and the only time we talk is about the baby. But dammm its still hurts and I dont know if Im really at the 100% stage of accepting its over. My question for everyone is...My wife still calls me to go do stuff with the baby and still wants me to go together to birthday parties etc. Should I still continue to go together? Or just tell her I will meet her there? Or just dont go at all and tell her Im busy. Im confused Im trying to heal but at the same time I wanna be there as a dad for my baby. Please help me with this I dont know how to go about during our seperation when theres a child involved. Thanks for reading and for any advice and if Im missing anything from my thread please feel free to ask me. Sincerely, Surfer74 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Your story reminds me a bit of MattN. Here's his thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96325/?highlight=mattn One of the things that made me think of it, is that he seemed to be a very involved father who was genuinely concerned for his child. When his separation began he made certain that he had a minimum of 50/50 visitation, and at last post he seemed to be doing well with that. I think the fear for alot of guys with small children and a "flaked out" wife is that they'll end up as a 'Weekend Dad'. And it doesn't have to be that way. You just have to get some GAME in the early stages of separation. My question for everyone is...My wife still calls me to go do stuff with the baby and still wants me to go together to birthday parties etc. Should I still continue to go together? Or just tell her I will meet her there? Or just dont go at all and tell her Im busy. Im confused Im trying to heal but at the same time I wanna be there as a dad for my baby. Please help me with this I dont know how to go about during our seperation when theres a child involved. What I would suggest to you is a custody schedule where you have your child for a MINIMUM of 50% of the time. You don't have to attend social events with your wife. You can instead, make a brief phone call on your off-days to check on the baby's progress and be available for any emergencies. Likewise, on days when the baby is with you... YOU provide all the childcare and keep your wife to a brief progress call. The thing is, you need to keep your hat in the ring as a custodial parent, proving that you're able to provide for your child's health and welfare. Otherwise, you're going to end up in that "weekend dad" scenario. There are some books available on 'co-parenting after divorce'. I don't have any titles in mind for you, but a stop at the bookstore or library wouldn't be amiss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author surfnbro74 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 Lady thanks for replying to me. I really like the advices you gave me cuz im at a very confused state of what to do right now. I will read MattN thread and see what how he handle his situation. Please feel free to drop in again if you have anymore suggestions for me. Again thank you very much. Surfer74 Link to post Share on other sites
Author surfnbro74 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 Oh by the way, I do feel like a weekend dad, while shes probably enjoying herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Your wife is in her late 20's ~ she's starting to hit her sexual prime, its not what you did, its not what you didn't do ~ so let yourself off the hook. She's just needing some "strange" Let her and the marriage go ~ there's nothing that you can do to salvadge it. Forget her agenda about doing things together as the daughter's parents. Why? Because you love and are still in love with her ~ and its emotionally damaging to you. Here's some links to help you comprehend what's going on: http://www.womensinfidelity.com/index.html#home and http://womensinfidelity.com/community/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author surfnbro74 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 Thank you gunny. I was hoping you would reply to my thread. I have a lot of respect for you and all the advices you been giving to others. So, what you are saying is that...dont go or do any family stuff together with the three of us? do it seperately? Again thank you sir for your help here. "Yes" I am accepting that its over in our marriage and just trying to take it one day at a time. But its hard some days, but I do feel like its getting better, cuz im telling myself to accept it and move on and forget about my wife and only be a good dad to my daughter. Again thank you sir for your help and advices. Surfer74 Surfer74 Link to post Share on other sites
Author surfnbro74 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 sorry if im repeating myself...kinda got a big headache Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 So, what you are saying is that...dont go or do any family stuff together with the three of us? do it seperately? Yes that's what I'm saying ~ you've got to learn how to be a single dad, and how to be single again, and how to be alone. That's hard! All day hard, and an all day chore! But worth the effort and the journey once you've gotten to the otherside of it! For example? I had an easier time adjusting to becoming a Marine than I did a civilian ~ I had an easier time learing to be a husband ~ than being single. Tell the X ~ "Have a nice life!~ I'm outta here!" And, then don't be going ~ be GONE! This BS your X is pulling is just trying to maintain control over you and influence in your life ~ and to alievate her guilt! Link to post Share on other sites
Author surfnbro74 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 Yes that's what I'm saying ~ you've got to learn how to be a single dad, and how to be single again, and how to be alone. That's hard! All day hard, and an all day chore! But worth the effort and the journey once you've gotten to the otherside of it! For example? I had an easier time adjusting to becoming a Marine than I did a civilian ~ I had an easier time learing to be a husband ~ than being single. Tell the X ~ "Have a nice life!~ I'm outta here!" And, then don't be going ~ be GONE! This BS your X is pulling is just trying to maintain control over you and influence in your life ~ and to alievate her guilt! This BS your X is pulling is just trying to maintain control over you and influence in your life ~ and to alievate her guilt! very true sir, very true. I do feel like that, but just I felt its my obligation to say yes since its for the baby. If I say "no" to do family stuff then I feel like Im not a good dad and not being there for me baby. thats why I feel like I have to just suck it up and dont let that hurt bother me when Im around her. you are right i need to start looking out for me Thank you sir Surfer74 Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 The first thing that you need to work on ~ is getting your head and azz wired back together. IC, I don't know ~ you're the one that's got to make the call on that ball. You can be and make a great Dad without the STBXW if you make that a priority in your life ~ and you should! What is more? You can! Link to post Share on other sites
Author surfnbro74 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 You are right about this. I just gotta relax and enjoy my time alone and learn to enjoy life by myself. I guess thats the hard part to be able to do things by yourself when for so many years you always have someone to enjoy it with. I have been doing a lot by myself...trying to find myself out there again. I always had a good social life. Now, I just need to start learning how to be a single dad and do things seperately without my ex being involved. I guess, we thought by doing things together sometimes on the weekend we let our baby know that we are there for her as a parent. But "yes" i will definetly take your advice and start changing the rules for my sake and for me to fully heal. You give good hard advice here and I will take it to the heart and always respect for you that. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 1. Respect your child 2. Respect your self 3. Refer back to one and two ~ when in doubt! Have a nice day! Go out and rub some sunshine on your face! Link to post Share on other sites
Author surfnbro74 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 yes sir. i will do that and thanks for all your help. Link to post Share on other sites
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