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noturtypicalwife

:( here is the simplistic background. I have been reading on here (months) hoping to find an answer so I would not have to write, to no avail I guess I have to ask. So I have been with my DH for 8 years, married 4. At first I thought he was all I wanted, it seemed like we were a super couple, we never really fought, disaggreed yes, fight no. No need we just seemed to work it out. Well there have been things over the years that I can't let go off, and I have accepted those "things" as symptoms of my own insecurities. So last week we had a an actual "fight" were he said he was done, he was going to get the papers, and we could go our seperate ways, that he was going to stay at a hotel, that he didn't care what I do, and probuly the worst anger I have ever seen of him, so much so that he got in my face, literally like not even an inch away, now I was abused for my years before him, and that was what was so great about him, I never feared him hitting me...until that moment. I havn't told him it scared me, and infact my last words to him after he was turning it @ trying to be all nice..." quit playing with me, and just go." Now I thought he would, and I accepted it as the day went on, but he hasn't left and it's been over a week. My son was also abused and he heard the argument and I think it scared him, theres other things, but the more the days go on and I want to say something, I don't and I get angerier, and now I am yelling at our kids, 11(not his bio) and our six year old. I had a fight with my mom, she knows I am upset, and that something is wrong, but I won't even talk to her about it right now, she can't be objective, I feel like my world is shattering @ me, I can't take it, pressure, stress of my job(which he works with me) the kids, my fear that next time he will get so angry he will hit me. The fight was about an employee calling me late at night, inoccent,and he has never shown ANY jealousy and then BAM!! In fact for months he has treated me like the inanimate object in the same house. A roomate, and now he is cleaning, and being nice, and blah blah...is this mental/emotional games? He is confusing me and I am tired. My son is 11 and has multiple needs, so this alone puts a lot of stress on us, but this has pushed me to the edge. Someone tell me, should I make him leave? Should I leave? What do I say? My attitude is far from o.k, but I don't want to keep doing this facade, I have done it for so long pretending all was fine. I don't want him to think I lied about the phone call either, it really was nothing, the employee is young anyway, and taken, GOD HELP ME!

Any advice welcome.

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amaysngrace

Run, don't walk, to your nearest Women's Center for Abuse.

 

You are in serious need of professional counseling due to your past experiences. You may very well be contributing to the demise of your marriage just because you have endured emotional abuse.

 

I firmly believe one can't have a healthy relationship unless and until they are healthy in their own mind.

 

Please do yourself a favor and seek the help you need. XO

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Just my 2 cents...

 

It sounds like you've just hit a rough patch in your relationship. If your husband is being nice to you, he obviously feels really bad about the fight. He didn't hit you and hasn't hit you, and you're probably scared of him based on your past. Has your husband ever been violent toward inanimate objects in your presence?

 

Do you know why your husband has been ignoring you? Sometimes that is a sign of infidelity. Have you noticed any other signs? Dressing nicer, wearing cologne, going out more often, less physical intimacy with you?

 

You and your husband need to work on your communication skills BIG time. I suggest reading some info on the marriage builders website and the book Divorce Busters.

 

Can you go to therapy?

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You need to get into counseling to deal with your past abuse issues which the fight with the husband has brought forward with the DH, you're having "flash-back" emotions and you're projecting them onto your husband and your marriage, ~ where as there no track record for you to be concerned ~ thus you're axniety ridden that the DH will hit you.

 

The DH got angry ~ really angry ~ and said some things to lash back out at you (probally because you were right, he was wrong, and you backed him up into a corner ~ that's usually the reaction you will get from most any man, in some form or another),

 

He's never hit you are physicaly abused you, or from the sound of your post really even mentally ~ emotionally abused you ~ and with past behavior being a predictor of future behavior ~ he probally never will.

 

With that said ~ he's probally having some serious regreets about what happened, feels bad about the way things went down, and what he said, and he's trying to make it up to you.

 

There's no question that you and he need to work on your marraige and your communications with one anohter ~ and you've got issues, as I'm sure that he does as well ~ you should work on that, and the way that you should go about doing so is to go to IC and MC (Individual and maraige counselign)

 

And, yes you need to read some books, Marriagebuilders offers some good ones, and you should check out their site, along with Divorcebusting. I'm currentlly reading the $6 paperback verion of Dr. Phils "Relationship Rescue" currently on sale at WalMart. I would highly recommend it!

 

Like most of us, you and the DH didn't know how to be married and in a relationship. Good Lord, to get a drvier's liscense you have to take X amount of hours of driver's education in the classroom and behind the wheel of a car, plus take a written and driving test ~ but to get a marriage liscesne all you have to do is pluck down $25 ~ Bida Boom! You're married! Couple of years later ~ BAM! You're sitting in divorce court wondering how in the hell you ended up there?

 

At least women do discuss things with one another, read women's magazines, watch Ophra ~ and have a clue about relationships, most men (and I would say the vast majority) never read anything about how to make a relationship work?! Even after they've had their ass handed to them, as they're fed-up wives walk out the door.

 

And, as amaysngrace said, you really need to work on yourself ~ you've got issues about yourself, and if you don't value yourself, love yourself, how can you give that to someone else when you can't even give it to yourself? :eek:

 

To quote Dr. Phil, if you can say "I wished my marriage was better!" Then your marriage is salvageable, and it sound like to me that you and the "DH" (your words ~ not mine ~ you refered to him as DH ~ Dear Husband) are better than most. The two of you just need to pull back and re-group.

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