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Separating From Husb, 2nd Time....


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2ndseperation

I have read through the posts on this site and am looking forward to receiving as well as giving any advice, support and encouragement.

This is my story:

 

Me: 27yr. old wife

Husb: 28yr. old

Together: 6.5 years

Married: 4.5 years

Children: None Together - We are caring for my 1st. cousin (since 3mo. old, now 18 mo. old) & Cared for 2 nieces for 1 year.

Results: Husband wants children more, and I don't, beyond my cousin (not sure how long I will have him)

Backgrd: I am unable to have children due to removal of tube and ovary @ 12, left with one blocked tube, and scarred ovary. Infert. doctor has advised I don't attempt to carry a child b/c of health risks.

 

Before we married we had the discussion concerning children. He said that he wanted to try whatever we needed to have children together in the future, and I told him that I wanted children too. He said he still wanted to marry me, regardless of this. (side-note) We were raised under 2 different cultures and in his way of life it's acceptable to have more than 1 wife. I told him that this was not something I would agree with, ever, for any reason..and he said he understood.

 

1st. Separation: July 06- let him know in March/April 06 that I thought it was best to separate b/c we were struggling with the children issue. (talking about alternatives to try, and he felt that taking another wife (when we move out of the states) was an option for him. I reminded him that I was not going to be a part of that, and after coming up with several dead ends regarding other options (expenses, etc.) I decided the best way to solve it was if we separate. After some time apart, I decided to come back, mainly b/c I do love him and I needed to make sure that I wasn't ending the marriage prematurely.

 

Came back in October 06 with the intention of working things out, but the more we have discussed this issue I realize that the only way for us to work this out is if I regain a desire to try different methods to have children or become comfortable with him having a 2d wife in a few years. I have been told to leave the issue alone and let it work itself out,but I have not been able to let it go.

 

It stays on my mind, so much to the point that all other areas of our relationship are suffering (communication, intimacy, etc.) He feels that I am very wrong and selfish for not wanting children, and for suggesting we separate. I feel that this is going to eventually allow us both to find happiness, and I know that our relationship will be so much worse if we continue forward and I know that I feel very strongly on both positions. I have gone through so many emotions behind this, and am tired of feeling guilty and (less than) if my feelings don't change.

 

So I told him last night that we need to separate, for good this time. And after that conversation, I feel a huge release, as if a weight has been lifted...I've never been "on my own" and am not sure what to do or how to do it from here. I am working on not trying to please everybody, b/c i simply can't. I know that I 'm the only one that has to live my life, and everyone else is watching from the sidelines. I don't say this to mean that I don't care what anyone thinks, but I know that in the past I have cared too much, in many instances doing what I think will please everyone, regardless of how I feel. Any words/thoughts ?

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Sweetie,

 

Sounds like you're having many big issues in your marriage. :(

 

If you're not okay with your husband taking a second wife, there is absolutely no reason why you should accept that in life. You are still young. There are MANY men who don't want to have children and would be happy to be with a woman who doesn't want any/can't have any.

 

What do you want? It's not all about what your husband wants in life, you know.

 

Cultural differences can cause a huge amount of stress in a marriage. I've been there - it's not easy. :(

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2ndseperation

Yes Moon, I know that's definitely not a lifestyle I want, I just have had so many feelings of guilt, and questioning myself if I was wrong for my feelings changing about wanting children, especially knowing that my husband doesn't have any.

 

I know that I feel very strongly on this after having the experience of caring for/raising 3 children, and I feel strongly that bringing the children into our home was the chance to see how we would respond to parenting. I love and care for the children, but if I had a choice I would not be a parent (biologically). I've also wondered, "if I'm supposed to have children then why have I had so many complications ?". Thanks for your response.

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12breakfree

Have you both considering an adoption? Unless he is too worry about passing on his gene to the next generation, children shouldn't be a big issue in this marriage. I know how you feel about not giving him another option of having another woman. If that is what I'm dealing with I wouldn't allow myself to go through it. Sorry but an option of having two wives is old and he certainly needs some updates. It is easier to say than done and if you can go through it which means living without him, you're my HERO!

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