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the war changed him


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mandy81marie

We've been married for 5 years now. My husband was in the military for the first 3 years of our marriage and during 2003 he went to Iraq. I knew that when he came back he would be different. I know I changed a bit during that year. But as more time goes by he becomes less and less of the man I know and married. (we have known each other since grade school and we were very close friends all through high school)

 

While my husband was in Iraq he hurt his back lifting some very heavy equipment. He slipped a disk (herniated a disk) and then started to develope degenerative disk disease. When he first got back from Iraq he started with low grade pain meds then it progressed to vicoden, percocet, oxcicodone, morphine and now currently methidone. I know my husband's back gives him some level of pain but I do not think it's at the level that requires such heavy medication. It's my opinion that he is very dependant on the medication. He carries his meds around in a small bag and he can almost not be in a room without his bag. He doesn't abuse the meds because he can only get a 30 day supply at a time. But he does nothing to help improve his back problems. He doesn't go to physical therapy or do any of the at home exercises.

 

Over the past year or so my husband has become very withdrawn. He doesn't help around the house anymore. When he's home he either sleeps all day, wathes TV, or sits on the computer. When I try to talk with him he's just "not there". Some of the time he'll say what I want to hear but there is no meaning behind the words, and there for sure is no action. He seems content with the ways things have become. He barely provides for his family.

We had our first child a year and a half ago and we have yet to be able to afford diapers or food for our son. My mother is the one who provides for us when it comes to our son. My husband only gets $8 an hour. I have held a minimum of 2 jobs for the past year and a half and I not only get benefits but I make a good $2-$3 an hour more than he does. My family and I always find better job prospects for him but he never gets the motivation to do any better than he's currently doing.

 

I feel like than man living with me is not my husband. I don't like this man, let alone love him. I have tried so many times to help him myself or offer he go get help, but he just slips further away from the man he once was. I know that he will never be the exact man that I married but I don't think I can stay with the man he is now. If we weren't married I would have called this relationship off long ago. And if I had to marry the man he is right now I would not even consider it.

 

I started individual counseling today. I know I have pulled away from my husband the last year or so. I feel like I have tried every option to mend my marriage and going to counseling is my final step. If it doesn't get fixed after this I really think I will have to leave. Is that wrong? I just don't want to give up until I know I did all I could to save my marriage.

 

I know that things could be so much better and our marriage can be saved if my husband would just see how he is being. But how much time do I give him to realize this before I give up and leave? :(

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12breakfree

I do not know what to say for I am facing the same problem. My husband starts to withdrawn from me more as days go like he is loosing interest in me. Everything was lots better when he was on the ship now it gets worse. I know it is hard to make a decision or know what best when you love the person. Even you say that you do not know him, I believe you and I'm with you, but not loving him anymore that's just your denial. I don't know I'm wrong but I'm in a denial phase right now. Still keep thinking maybe he does love me and just gone through some tough time.

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Is there any way you could get your husband to go to individual counseling? I'm guessing he's got a lot going on in his head that is affecting him, and the pain meds are also masking his deeper problems.

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mandy81marie

I've tried several times to get him to go to counseling. Sometimes he agrees that it would be a good thing but mostly he blows the subject off. When I told him that I was going to go myself he basically acted like he didn't hear me.

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Does he keep in touch with his army buddies? His commanding officer? Is there anyone in his family who could get through to him?

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burning 4 revenge
Does he keep in touch with his army buddies? His commanding officer? Is there anyone in his family who could get through to him?
I think Nora is dead on here. He can't relate to people who haven't seen what he's seen anymore, This is very normal for people who have been expsosed to highly traumatic events. It's not easy to adjust back into a normal American life after having to live and function in a situation where death was everywhere and the threat of death was hanging over his head on a constant basis.

 

Can't the Government do anything for him? To think he served his country and he's out in society numbing himself daily and making $8/hr. That doesn't seem fair to me.

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This sounds an awlful lot lit sympthoms of PTSD, Post Traumatic Shock Syndrone ~ and it will change you up for sure ~ without a doubt, and there's no doubt that his back is causing him pain ~ but I know lots of people that manage to "manage" their pain and in there injuries with a mimimum of medication through any number of venues.

 

A site you might want to consider

 

http://www.ptsdalliance.org/home_family.html

 

You might also consider contact the VA

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burning 4 revenge

By the way, I wanted to add that you shouldn't think of him in terms of being less than who he was before. I don't think that's fair to him. In a sense he's more than he was before, but it's so overwhelming he's having a difficult time coping with it.

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Can't the Government do anything for him? To think he served his country and he's out in society numbing himself daily and making $8/hr. That doesn't seem fair to me.

 

Let me clue you in here people. Once they've used you, abused you, they're through with you! Its over. Nothing but a bunch of empty promises, ~ when all is said and done? There's more said than done. You don't really think that all those Senators and Congressmen give a damn about those guys at Walter Reed do you? That's just the Dem's beating up the Repub's.

 

I've got a bud, spent 20 years in the Air Force ~ a computer whiz. That was his field in the Air Force. Got out ~ no degree in CS ~ got a job working and making $7.50 an hour reparing PC's. He went to college ~ and he's got a good job now making $12-$13 an hour working at Circuit City selling computers on commission.

 

I've got another bud that works selling insurance during the day and stocking shelves at WalMart at night. The only reason he got the job selling insurance is because they were needing an AA (African American) to cover that side of the market selling inusrance to other AA's. He did 20 years in the Army.

 

Another bud of mine, a decorated combat veteran ~ SFC (Sergeant First Class) drives a truck.

 

Another bud of mine ~ 20 years in the Navy ~ secruity guard.

 

Another bud of mine ~ 68 years old ~ retired Marine ~ security guard.

 

Twenty years in the military ~ with all the training, with all the schooling plus a college degree gets you a job you could have gotten without having gone into the military and without a college degree.

 

I've a bachelor's in business admin ~ finance, that got me plenty of $8.50 an hour jobs. One job interview I was asked how much my military retirement was, so they would know how much to pay me!!!!! :confused: :confused: :confused::mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

 

My first civilian job as a manufacturing supervisor my pay was "capped out" after three years with zero chance of ever getting another pay raise, because I don't need as much money as my civilian counterparts ~ afterall I'm retired military. (No this little tidbit wasn't discussed at the interview)

 

Out here in civilian la~la land ~ its not what you know, its who you know! And, because we've been off for years and years, we don't have the connections and the network to get the really good jobs.

 

Twenty years in the Marine Corps, a college degree, and I applied at the Hyundai plant that opened up in Montgomery, Alabama and I was told I wasn't what they were looking for? WTF? Why? Because I told them that I never disagreed with a superiors orders in so long as it wasn't immoral, illegal, etc. The interviewer asked me, you've never dis-liked what a superior told you to do? What's "like got to do with it?" I asked. If its not immoral, illegal, un-ethical? You do what you're told ~ like doesn't have a damn thing to do with it! I've done plenty of things I didn't like! Again, WTF?

 

And, as B4R stated, there's lot of situations in life ~ that one person just cannot relate to another. You, as a woman can sit here all day long, spitting whiskey in the fire trying to describe what its like to give birth as a woman ~ and I'm just never going to be able to fully comprehend the experience. There's just no possible mutual point of comparison ~ reference. Just as if you've never been to prison ~ someone who's never been isn't capable of understanding ~ so why have the coversation.

 

And, one of the hardest things that I've personally gone through was going from being a career Marine to being a civilian again. I'm glad that I was single when I went through it, because if I was married it surely have cost me my marriage. And, again if you've never been a Marine Gunny, you've no idea what that's like ~ and you never will. If you've never been up in the **** ~ you can never know what that's about, and you can and will never understand it. You can read about it, have it describe it to you, watch movies about it ~but until you've actually lived it ~ experienced it ~ you can never fully comprehend it.

 

I've gone through PTSD, depression, anxiety, the craziness, the days and days of not sleeping ~ being too afraid to even sleep, to even dream, did the drinking a fifth a day thing, the waking up in a cold sweat thing, the hyper-attentiveness deal, the dis-appearing off the face of the eath for days, weeks, months thing. I've come to terms that I was "institutionalized" I've done the "hating life and everyone in it thing!" I've done the "Shawshank Redemtion" deal.

 

Now? I've caught the bus to Mexico!

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mandy81marie

I have tried desperately to ask his mother for help. She for some reason chooses to ignore me and acts like her son is just a vistim of the crappy government.

 

My husband does stay in contact with his buddies and his CO. His CO even made out the perfect resume for all the guys and all they had to do was enter their name and personal info. One of his buddies got a job with a big cell phone company and luck have it his boss just tranfered from our area (like 10 states away) He gave my husband the phone numbers to the "right" people to get hired. Did any of this help to motivate him, nope.

 

My husband was in the communications field in the Army. They set up the antennas and worked inside humvees incripting the radio transmissions.

 

As far as going to the VA. That is who is giving him the meds and they offer all kinds of help for physical therapy, counseling, etc. But my husband chooses not to participate in any of those things.

 

He has gotten real good at talking the talk but when it comes to walking, his legs are broke.

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mandy81marie
By the way, I wanted to add that you shouldn't think of him in terms of being less than who he was before. I don't think that's fair to him. In a sense he's more than he was before, but it's so overwhelming he's having a difficult time coping with it.

 

 

I don't think of him as less of a man, he just acts less than the man I once knew. And his actions just show that he is content on not being a provider for his family. He isn't there for any kind of emotional support for me or his son. And growing up with him and being his best friend for years I know that this isn't the man he would want to be.

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That is so sad. Has he been to therapy? :( It sounds like he has been through a lot...and I'm glad that you're concerned about him. I hope you can find a way to break through to him.

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line him up with the VA's psychiatric unit and see about getting him on anti-depressants. It might help his emotional state being on the right medication and being able to talk to someone.

 

my husband went through something similar: He was in the Army back in the 70s, messed up his back on a field training exercise, Army never really did anything after he refused surgery that would have left him without use of his legs. Thanks to good insurance with his civil service job, he had a spinal block done, and that was good for about 10 years. By 1994 or so, he was having problems with lack of blood circulation in his legs, pains in his back, severely decreased sex drive and inability to sleep the night through. Had to raise hell with the VA hospital in Dallas, but we finally got him lined up with the pain management clinic, who put him on the same drugs as your husband has been on.

 

however, that didn't stop the episodes of "they're all out to get me" or irritability – I would tell his doctors about it, and finally one explained to him that he would get DH started on an anti-depressant because depression is one of the ways the body responds to chronic pain. And that prescription has made a world of difference in how he perceives events and responds to them.

 

it might not bring your husband back 100 percent to where he was before he went to war, but it could help him at least find a ray of light in what seems like an otherwise dark place ...

 

in the meantime, check out this website to see how a person responds to an out-of-whack body chemistry:

 

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=160

 

good luck, and keep us posted.

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I'm a Veteran and I have lived and I have seen the effects PTSD. Beg, plea hogtie him if you must. Get him into see a Psychologist asap. The truth is he has no idea how far he has slipped into that Black Hole. Yes you are hurting but he is hurting a 1000 times worse. His time over there is never going to leave him. Talk to WWII vets To Koren Vets and My Own group of Vietnam Vets. It will never go away but you can learn to live with it. take something horrible and make something positive from it.He has to face this and see that there is more then that black Hole

What gunny said is so true. The Government used you then could give a damn about you. I'm sorry to say but most of this is going to be on you and your family to work out together. Your story is just the tip of the Iceberg. In the next few years m More and more vets are going to be suffering. I hope as a nation we learn our lesson. Vets don't ask for handout we already earned them!

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mandy81marie

I feel like I have tried everything to get my husband help with his post war stress. I used to go with him to his VA appointments and I would try to help him do what the doctors suggested. But somehow there always seems to be a new and better excuse for him not to continue. Should I really FORCE him to get treatment? Like make the appointment and drag him to it? How can I make him do something if he is unwilling to follow through with it on his own.

 

So many times I feel like I have to be his mother instead of his wife. I get the whole "for better or worse" stuff but having to be his mother just seems like something I shouldn't have to do. (that sounds horrible, but I want to be his wife not his mommy) I'm struggling to be a mother to our son as it is. I went through a long period of post partum. And now I am going to counseling for myself to deal with those issues. I know I can be a better wife and a better mother. I am hoping that if I can fix myself then maybe my husband will want to fix himself.

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Mandy,

 

Have you checked out the advice on the marriage builder website? Not sure if any of it would apply in your situation.

 

I assume you have both been to therapy.

 

Sometimes you have to take drastic action to make someone wake up. :( My abusive husband never listened to my requests when we were together. I moved out 5 weeks ago and now he has apologized to me (something he NEVER did when we were together), and has an appointment set up for therapy. In my case, I don't think we'll ever get back together, but at least my husband is starting to take care of his problems. If you're terribly unhappy and have tried everything else, then maybe your husband needs something more real to wake him up...and maybe waking him up is not even a possibility at this point. I really don't know much about PTSD...I just really hope things work out for you.

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I'm pulling alot off of MzP, and Lady Jane here ~ as I understand things they've posted since I've joined LS, and a lot of what I've read from them makes me go ~ "Hummmmmmmm?

 

My personal poster child is PTSD and the way that Vets get treated once they're discharged. As "Topper" stated we're not asking for a hand out ~ we've earned it through blood, sweat, and tears!

 

And, I'm talking about blood, sweat and tears most civilians don't even have a clue about!

 

With that said.

 

Your husband has a physical and mental illness, that will make you mentally ill if you stay with him if he refuses to get the help with his mental illness!

 

Its one thing to deal with someone who is suffering from PTSD, depression, OCD, bi-polar, and quite another to deal someone who's not willing to deal with their own PTSD, depression, OCD, bi-polar dis-order!

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Maybe he need you the most even he didn't say so.

 

I quoted a part of an article, if you are interested, there is a link

http://www.spiritualitytoday.org/spir2day/894143brende.html

 

 

Steer suffered from a personality disorder before entering military service; upon discharge he developed the symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and alcoholism for which he sought psychiatric help with little or no help. Then, seven years after the war, he had a Christian conversion experience which brought about a remarkable change in his life. His nearly broken marriage was restored and his recurring traumatic dreams, rage attacks, and alcoholism ceased to be problems. Furthermore, his sense of pervasive meaningless was replaced by a desire to help others. Since then he has maintained a normal family life and developed a self-supporting spiritual ministry for helping people in need, particularly other combat veterans.

In another example, a former patient of the Bay Pines Stress Recovery Program who left the hospital treatment program abruptly when he assaulted another patient, reported a Christian conversion experience nine months after discharge. His symptoms included rage attacks, nightmares, intrusive imagery, guilt feelings, emotional detachment, alcoholism, flashbacks, episodes of dissociation, and feelings that his body was possessed by evil spirits. He described lying in bed one night, fearful of going to sleep: "I felt that if I went to sleep, the Devil would get hold of me and I'd wake up in hell. So I called out to my wife and asked her to pray for me. She did, and I asked Jesus to take over my life. Within one or two days, I began to get a sense of peace and a new feeling of self-control that I had never had during the previous fifteen years."

Among references sought to provide guidance in helping combat veterans with guilt, the Bible may be the most widely used. Those who have found spiritual help believe that the Bible is source of comfort and direction for them. The story of the fall of Adam and Eve in the third chapter of Genesis contains a description of the consequences of seeking power for selfish purposes rather than obeying God which is applicable to the combat veteran's experience of alienation from God from taking the power of life and death in his own hands (Gen. 3). In the Book of Psalms, the authors vividly describe symptoms that could easily come out of the mouth of a Vietnam veteran with PTSD, including death-related imagery, fear, tremors, and isolation:

My heart is severely pained within me

and the terrors of death have fallen upon me,

and horror has overwhelmed me...

Oh, that I had wings like a dove.

For then I would fly away and be at rest.

Indeed, I would wander far off

and remain in the wilderness. (Psalm 55:4-8)

Feelings of alienation from God are described perfectly:

O God, you have cast us off.

You have broken us down:

you have been displeased; Oh restore us again! (Psalm 60:1)

For combat veterans from Christian backgrounds (eighty-five percent of our patients) the New Testament has been suggested as a reference pertaining to the following themes: Jesus healing the sick (Matt. 4:24, Luke 3, John 5, Mark 5), the positive power which follows belief in Jesus (Mark 9: 17-29), the results of unbelief (Luke 1: 18-23), forgiveness (John 21, Mark 15:69-72) help for despair and loneliness (Matt. 27:46, Mark 15:34, Luke, 22:39-47), and Jesus' mission of forgiveness and healing (Mark 11:24-25, Luke 23:32-35, 42-43; Matt 5:17-26, 6:17-20).

 

William Mahedy, a combat chaplain who became a social worker in the Vietnam veterans Outreach Program in 1979, was one of the first counsellors to recognize veterans' spiritual desolation. In his book, Out of the Night, he successfully used Biblical references in his interpretation of combat veterans' problems: "Having confronted God in the desert of their souls, the vets provide a contemporary model for the anguish of Job, the cry of the Psalmist, and even of the agony of Jesus himself" (p. 195). Combat veterans often remain enraged -- yet helpless to combat evil: "Serious encounters with evils like hunger, poverty, homelessness, and war almost always result in a sense of personal powerlessness, emptiness, and spiritual darkness" (p. 201).

Mahedy has suggested that combat veterans seek spiritual transformation to gain "freedom from the violence of the soul which is a residue from the violence of war." Their spiritual quest may be best guided by counsellors who have had similar experiences, even if unrelated to war: "Touched by evil on a much larger scale than that of mere personal suffering, these true servants of the Lord experienced a deep anguish, sometimes bordering on the despair" (p. 201). He believes that

Vietnam vets and others who have felt the desolation of humanity's gulags have ample resources to negotiate their journey out of the night. Scripture, the writings of the mystics, and guidance from those with personal experience of winter in the spirit are sufficient maps for the journey as long as one remembers that God alone is the light at the end of the tunnel (p. 201).

Many avoid spiritual help or feel abandoned primarily because of their intense anger at God. Mahedy encourages these men to express their angry feelings to God honestly and then listen for God's response. Such rage may be traced to the evil which surrounded combat veterans and made them victims of spiritual alienation, as Mahedy comments:

War is an explosion of hatred into systematic and ruthless violence. Its savagery is beyond description. War represents a complete breakdown in the virtue of love among those who share a common humanity under God. If we take seriously the passage from 1 John, we must admit that the love of God is incompatible with the kind of hatred war unleashes. Cut off from love, we are cut off from God in the only avenue of access our limited nature really possesses. Isolation from God under these conditions brings about a different kind of spiritual night .... [it is a] darkness that closes in upon us when our souls are pervaded with hatred... (p. 208).

Mahedy discovered that God's help is important to combat the power of evil in the world. Recovery is not possible until these men are willing to "walk away from the anger, rage, and hatred that are the war's continuing residue. One cannot make a lifetime career out of hating the Vietnamese -- or Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, and Jane Fonda, either" (p. 209).

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mandy81marie

Lonelybird ~ thank you for all the helpful scriptures. I'll give them a try. What's hard is even with our strong christian background that hasn't been helping him either. My husband and I actually met at church when we were children. I try to get him to go to church with me but he usually chooses to sleep in and I take my son and we go without him. I even got him a seasonal job at our local ski resort. I have been the ticket office manager there for a few years. The atmosphere there is strongly family/christian. The manager of the mountian has prayed for him and with him. Another worker is a pastor. My husband just seems to choose not to have anyone even God help him.

 

Gunny ~ I know that staying with him if he refuses to change will hurt me (it has already taken it toll, that's why I chose to go to counseling) But when is enough, ENOUGH? When do I know that he really has chosen not to change and it's time to leave?

> > on a side note. Our local 10 o'clock news last night had segment about how Bakersfield VA poorly treats their veterans. The doctors mainly are there to receive their $$ and don't give good quality care to those who DESERVE it. But working for the government you get used to taking it from behind.

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Gunny ~ I know that staying with him if he refuses to change will hurt me (it has already taken it toll, that's why I chose to go to counseling) But when is enough, ENOUGH? When do I know that he really has chosen not to change and it's time to leave?

> > on a side note. Our local 10 o'clock news last night had segment about how Bakersfield VA poorly treats their veterans. The doctors mainly are there to receive their $$ and don't give good quality care to those who DESERVE it. But working for the government you get used to taking it from behind.

 

Only you and you alone will know when that day arrives, but let there be no doubt ~ when it does ~ you'll recognize it.

 

It would be, as I said one thing if he'd get off his lazy butt and particpate in managing his illness ~ but he's not doing that, and all the pleading, praying, begging, and naggine in the world doesn't seem to have any affect on this guy.

 

To be honest? He's using a lot of different crutches to put a guilt trip on you and to use as the reasons he can't! "Can't" couldn't ~ because "Can't" never tried!

 

One thing that a good (as oppossed to a bad one ~ and there are bad ones) mental health professional will do is not buy off on someone's BS and lame excuses, and they generally won't allow you to have but one and only one pity party!

 

For the time being, I wouldn't do it either, I wouldn't get emotional either way about it ~ but I recognize it for what it is ~ BS, lame excuses and his ever self - perpetuating pity party! I would refuse to be a participant in it, let alone an enabler.

 

And, you must fully recognize that his illness is making you sick as time goes on and by. :(

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mandy81marie

I've gotten used to the fact that I can't count on my DH for much. I try to just go day to day and care for myself and our son. And if my DH does do something to help I try to show him how much I appreciate his efforts. I don't critisize (. . ohh, you really should have done it this way.. ) I don't even nag about it (. . You know you should really do this stuff more than you do. . .) Because I feel like if I put down what small (very small) things he does do it will only discourage him. SO I really make it known that I REALLY loved what he did and I thank him lots of times.

 

I just wish I could take the sledge hammer and knock some reality into his head. But I'm not even sure that, that would work.

 

Do you think I can make him go to counseling? I know I can make an apoointment and drive him to it. But do you think it would help him to talk?

 

What about . . I don't want to say threaten, but. . . . "say" I am going to leave to see if that will wake him up? I don't really want to do the whole "seperation" thing. I don't think I could handle that. But if he thinks I am going to leave maybe he'll realise he needs to pull himself together.

 

I'm just at a point that I'm stuck. I don't know what I can do to fix it anymore. I don't know how to keep going during my day. I don't even know what tomorrow will bring and if I'd even be able to handle it. But I want things to be better because I'm tired of feeling this down and lonely.

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There were these fellas, that use to go coon (raccoon) huniting at night with dogs. The dogs would track the coon, and tree them, and one of the guys would climb the tree to shake the coon down out of the tree down to the baying dogs below ~ just to give the coon a sportin' chance :p amongst the pack of dogs.

 

One night, fella climb up the tree, except this time it wasn't a coon it was bobcat!!!!! :eek: There was an awful ruckus up in the tree with all kinds of screaming and hollering! :confused: :confused: :eek: :eek: :eek:

 

The guy in the tree hollered down for the guys to shoot their guns, to which they replied, "We can't do that! We might hit you!" :(

 

The guy up in the tree with the Bobcat, hollered back ~ "Well shoot up here anyway ~ ONE OF US HAS GOT TO HAVE SOME RELIEF!!!!!! :rolleyes::):p

 

I'd drag him, kicking, screaming, scawlling, whatever it took ~ even if it meant tricking him! ;)

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Should I really FORCE him to get treatment? Like make the appointment and drag him to it? How can I make him do something if he is unwilling to follow through with it on his own.

 

sometimes you've just got to put your foot down and be the "parent" when your partner cannot help himself. When it comes to depression, people don't know how to ask because they think "it's not so bad that I can't live with it." And that line of "bad" keeps getting pushed further and further back until they are too embarassed or afraid to ask for help. Line up the appointments for psychological care, let them know how his demeanor has changed – did he used to be very careful about his hygiene in the past, but now can go 2-3 days without a shower, and only because you get after him? Does he sleep alot, compared to his normal sleep patterns? Does he fly off the handle about things that never used to make him blink before? Little things like that are stuff they need to know – you'll paint them a picture of before and after, so to speak.

 

I know this hurts you deep inside, but this is something you can do for him until he can get to a point where he's able to help himself. Even if he doesn't want to talk about his experiences with a counsellor, at least he'll know where to turn to when he's ready.

 

hugs,

quank

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I've gotten used to the fact that I can't count on my DH for much. I try to just go day to day and care for myself and our son. And if my DH does do something to help I try to show him how much I appreciate his efforts. I don't critisize (. . ohh, you really should have done it this way.. ) I don't even nag about it (. . You know you should really do this stuff more than you do. . .) Because I feel like if I put down what small (very small) things he does do it will only discourage him. SO I really make it known that I REALLY loved what he did and I thank him lots of times.

 

I just wish I could take the sledge hammer and knock some reality into his head. But I'm not even sure that, that would work.

 

Do you think I can make him go to counseling? I know I can make an apoointment and drive him to it. But do you think it would help him to talk?

 

What about . . I don't want to say threaten, but. . . . "say" I am going to leave to see if that will wake him up? I don't really want to do the whole "seperation" thing. I don't think I could handle that. But if he thinks I am going to leave maybe he'll realise he needs to pull himself together.

 

I'm just at a point that I'm stuck. I don't know what I can do to fix it anymore. I don't know how to keep going during my day. I don't even know what tomorrow will bring and if I'd even be able to handle it. But I want things to be better because I'm tired of feeling this down and lonely.

 

 

Has he ever talked about the war at all? You know, what he's seen and heard. It's evident he's seen something over there, the pain meds he now takes is most likely to ease the mental pain, not just his back. Can't he have his back operated on? I don't know if you've been tempted by someone else to stray, but, I'm sure that has crossed your mind, I suggest if you are tempted, not to do anything like that. Anyway, I read an article once that the military men are considered "weak" by the military if they have problems from war, and that seek counseling of any kind, so many go untreated and silently suffer. Your husband may be thinking this way, because of the stigma attached to those who seek help, like he's not considered a "REAL" man. I'm sure Gunny can tell you more.

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