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Howdy folks!

 

Where to start...

 

Well, roughly two months ago my wife said that our relationship of 8 years was over. We have two children, my step-daughter and my blood son.

 

There was alot of anger at first, mostly on her behalf, as what I perceive was necessary for her to work up the courage and resolve.

 

It took her a month to find a new place and move out. She's been in her new place for about 3 weeks now. However, that last month that we lived together saw alot of communication between her and me, we continued ot share the same bed, and we probably were intimate more times in our last three weeks under the same roof than in the entire last year prior.

 

She says that she still loves me, but is not "in love" with me... whatever that means after 8 years together. Anyway, as I perceive the problem, my step-daughter is ADHD and has a couple of other developemental disabilites on top of it. While we both love her dearly, she has been a source of constant stress over the years, both for ourselves and others in the community in which we live/d.

 

As I see it, the stress and anxiety simply grew to such a great weight that positive feelings were simply being crushed under heel by them. My wife however, does really want to look at it that way. I understand why, but she likes to tell people that we fought alot, even though we rarely fought with each other.

 

So, it's been three weeks since she got her own place with my step-daughter. As I was a stay-at-home-father, I've continued to do my job and have supported her in her decision every way possible.

 

My says that the things I was doing wrong between her and I -- I have been insecure to a degree and tended to dismiss the "little things" -- have been corrected... were corrected over the last month together.

 

She has alos commented to many on the marked improvement in my relationship with my step-daughter. Thats true. I"ve always been a firm, fair disciplinarian, my wife not so very much, the two contrasting styles being the root of alot of our problems with the child IMO.

 

Anyway, after she moved out the more intimate aspects of our relationship stopped. We still hug and politely kiss, but there isn't much else... physically. She lives just up the street, and when she gets bored on her days off or wants some company, she still calls me anbd invites me over or along, but she doesn't even want to talk about being closer, ie. being intimate. She says she needs time and space, and won't make any promises about the future (though she has dropped both to myself and the kids that, maybe, when they are teenagers, she and I might move in together again).

 

I just feel stuck in limbo right now. I'm trying hard to be a good man. Being trothful has never been an issue for me. However, I'm a little confused, and a little scared that, maybe, I'll give her her time and space, waiting and being the good man, belieivng that she doesn't want anything to do with other men like she has said, but I'll be left hanging in the end.

 

I guess thats my insecurity there, but this is a first for me. Alot of people have told me that once a woman moves out, it's pretty well over. Can anyone offer any insight?

 

Thanks!

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You're in a tough spot, J. The only thing you can do if you want a second chance at this relationship is give her time and space. She sounds very confused and probably doesn't know what she wants herself. Keep being the good man that you are but don't let her use you or abuse the situation. Good luck.

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If it wasn't for the kids, i'd say get some distance and don't be too available. She cant miss you if you are there when she wants you and her getting you to be around when she is bored is not really fair or respectful to you.

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Thanks for the responses!

 

And yeah, I keep telling myself that as long as I'm getting in her face and tryingh to insert myself back into her life, then she will have no space to think of anything other than wanting me out of it.

 

So, I have managed to pull back and ease off. And as soon as I did that, barely a week past before she was calling me, inviting me over or to go shopping with her (I hate shopping incidently).

 

It's hard though. Especially when the kids are with me. When I'm alone and the kids are at her place, I'm actually enjoy the peace and the time to myself.

 

I guess we have both been smothering each other to a certain extent over the years. On my part that was mostly becasue she was haging out with some real losers in the beginning of our relationship. And I guess she took my opinion of that, applied it in a general sense, ie. not going out at all. And naturally, I felt guilty and so refrained form social oppurtunities that came my way.

 

She has been going out and having fun with some friends from work lately, and I have been expanding my own social circle again. So, I would imagine that this is another factor that is helping things along.

 

We have agreed to not see other people and remain loyal to one another, even if we are not being intimate with one another for the time being, but I suppose I just don't want to get my hopes up.

 

Anyway, thanks again!

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Hey folks!

 

I think that, maybe, my situation has been turning for the worse and would like some opinions.

 

The other day my son told me that my wife had a guy over at his place. It was only for a short time, and they didn't sit beside each other or touch or anything, save for when he left. Apparently, she gave him a hug...a friendly hug according to the kids, who swear he is just a friend.

 

When I confronted my wife on the matter, she also said it was just a thank you hug, as he helped her move the last of her stuff over to her place. She assured me that if another man ever entered her life, she would tell me up front.

 

Fair enough, right?

 

Well, after that part of the conversation, and after I passed a large chunk of money that she had coming her way over to her, I asked if she still loved me. She said, "always". I then asked if we could get together and do something together sometime soon. She readily agreed.

 

So, last night my son (6 years old) told me that he was talking to his mom, and she said she didn't want to "date" me anymore because she didn't like having to, ahem, "take care of him".

 

She came by earlier that night, with that guy who she had over, and they picked up the last of her things. He is a mover, and I had to sit there and tell him how to fit her recliner through the doorway. Hmmph. A mover, eh?

 

Anyway she gave me little hug and kiss before she left, but I think she got a little choked when I noticed she had had a beer or two. She said i t was a dsrink after work with her female boss, and they do that sometimes, so I was all light hearted about it. I have no problem with her going out for a drink with the gilrs from work, but I guess she thinks I do, so, maybe it was just me, but she seemed a little miffed.

 

She was supposed to be home last night as her landlady painted my step-daughters room. I called her on her cell just to let her know I wasn't scolding her for the beer, just noticing it. There was no answer.

 

So, I called her again, a couple of times, just before the childrens bedtime, as I usually do when they sleep over so they can say goodnight. Still no answer, and no return call.

 

Now I'm wondering exactly how honest she is being with me? Is she just placating me with lines of BS, and piddly little hugs, so I will take the kids whenever she wants while she has her cake and eat it to?

 

I'm thiking of telling her that I will only take her daughter on the nights she works late, but that she has to take her more-or-less the rest of the time.

 

I also want some answers as to where our relationship is going. Previously, she has said she just doesn't want to think about that right now, but unless my son has a twisted memory of what his mother said and meant, it seems like she has already done some thinking.

 

What do you folks think? Am I simply being strung along and facilitating her delinquicy by watching her daughter whenever she wants?

 

Opinions, please?

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So my wife and I had a talk the other day. She once again said she loved me, as the father of our children, but that "the spark" isn't there. I explained my thoughts about "the spark", how it comes and goes, and that commitment carries you through the dry spells.

 

The short and the long of the conversation was that in order to work through our problems, we both need to focus on our own personal developement, as individuals. We restated our loyalty to one another, but she said that while she has no intention of being intimate with other men, she didn't want to close the door on the possibility.....mostly of having passion in her life again. Nevertheless, we agreed that if either of us met anyone else, we would let the other know before it went very far.

 

So, I could really use an opinion here...

 

She said that she might go out next Saturday night with friends, implying that she wanted me to watch my step-daughter that night. Should I?

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Okay. So I decided that I would watch our step-daughter tomorrow night, as her mom goes out with her friend. I came to realise in making that decision that I have a fair amount of power in the relationship, at least in that regard. And I concluded that, since one of the reasons we spearated was too much time together, I probably shouldn't be exercising that power in any manipulative manner, so long as she is only going out once or twice a month, and so long as such favours are returned.

 

As for this other guy I spoke of in a previous post; we had a talk about him yesterday. She insists he is just a friend and would never have sex with him. I told her that my primary concern wasn't a jealousy issue, as the guy has nothing on me. My primary concern was the wellbeing of my kids, as this guy is a big boozer, constantly out at the bars, passing out in the back of taxi-cabs, et al. Not the kind of influence I would want my kids regularly exposed to. She said that she respected the kids too much to do that. I said I would hope that she would rerspect herself enough to not do that, ie. you're better than that and are worthy of more. She kind of looked shocked, happy-shocked when I said that, I guess because I have always held the moral high ground and she led a rather loose life before I came along, and has always been very critical of herself in that regard. I don't know. Maybe it pissed her off, but her eyes seemed to brighten.

 

I'm kinda on an emotional roller-coaster. I mean, for about the past two years of the relationship, I was emotionally exhausted and srtssed to the limit, caring for my special needs step-daughter on a daily basis. She caused alot of trouble at school and in the neighbourhood, and I had the cops at my door a couple of times because parents got fed up with her behavior and threatened her or whatever....so I threatened them back, et al.

 

That bled over into my relationship with my wife, who tended more to appease the child than provide any sort of discipline....which pissed me off to no end.

 

Sometimes I feel so relieved to have a bit of space and respite these days. Obviously, I think, it has done alot to bring back my feeelings for my wife, who I never stopped loving, even though those feelings got crushed and buried under alot of resentment "at times".

 

Othertimes, I just feel...very sad and lonely. I love my wife. I love our family. I think that things could work out so great, now that we are under two different roofs. She however has a "maybe, possibly" attitude.

 

At times I reflect and wonder why I even care. Didn't I want an out a year ago? But that isn't what I really wanted. I just wanted some respite.

 

Man, oh man! What a tangled web we weave.

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Okay, my ex has been seeing alot of this guy mentioned in previous posts lately. She has on one occassion dragged my step-daughter out late in the evening, bringing her home after dark, to go hang out at this chumps place. On a few other occassions he has dropped by her house around the kids bed and bath time.

 

So, my step-daughter arrives here this morning. She says that this guy came over last night, drunk, and stayed for a while after she went to sleep.

 

She also said that he had told her to shut-up at some point in the evening, used some foul language (not that I am a saint in that department) and was ordering her around.

 

While she is prone to telling tall-tales, her idea of the guy has changed drsatically since the other day. She thought the world of him yesterday, but this morning said she didn't like him at all.

 

I called my ex about it, as we had just discussed this issue yesterday. She swore that the child was lying again. I didn't believe her and said that at this point I am less concerned about us getting back together (I think she has been using that as bait anyway), and more concerned with the safety of the children. She wanted to talk to her daughter, but I said that she could talk to her after work tomorrow, when she comes to pick her up for the night, ie. you won't be going to the bar tomorrow. At this point my ex hung up on me.

 

She then calls back a few minutes later. I let the answering machine take the call. Admidst her typical 15 year old anger-tantrum, she says that I can forget about us ever getting back together, like I hadn't already stated that the welfare of the kids comes first and had had enough being strung along.

 

I don't know if I did the right thing, but all of a sudden, instead of feeling dreadful and fearful, I feel...better...energized. Check that...I am fgearful for my step-daughters future, but what can I do?

 

Any thoughts, comments, opinions, on any of the above, would be very much appreciated

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First of all, do not use time with either of those kids for any purpose other then to spend quality time with them. Neither is to be used to see ex or to get back at ex. This special needs child (I have one, too) needs SOMETHING stalble in her life. So, set a schedule and stick to it. My hats off to you for treating her as your own and having her visit with you.

I also know these kids do lie alot. I would not believe anything you hear. Do not react to ex about anything you hear. In time whatever you hear will either be confirmed or will not sound true.

 

Give ex some space and do your own thing. ...Focus on your personal development, individually.... that is what she wants you to do. You may find she is not what you want anyway. If she is going to go hanging around losers, let her figure out if that is what she really wants. If she does, than she is not for you.

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Thanks for the response Guest. I really appreciate it.

 

So, my wife did come and pick up my step-daughter after work yesterday.

 

We had a talk then, and established that the child was lying. My bad. Still, this guy has no place at her (my step-daughter's) home when she is getting ready for bed. My wife said he left immedaitely after the little girl went to bed. He should be leaving right BEFORE she starts getting ready for bed. I told my wife that.

 

That talk also opened the gate to talk about a few other things that have been bothering me. For instance, I have been a housedad for the past number of years, and my wife had said (a couple of weeks ago) that she was tired of taking care of ME. Well, yesterday she got a little glimpse of how many hundreds of dollars a week of service I have been providing HER with over the years by caring for the kids, particularly my step-daughter.

 

Incidently, I don't just have the child here one or two days a week. I have her here six days a week, even if she doesn't spend the night each of those days. So, basically, while I have been pushed out of the way in my wife's life, I have continued to take care of HER...impacting my own ability to search for a job consistently or go out and have fun myself.

 

My ex lived a rather loose life prior to meeting me. She had a long string of loser boyfriends, none of whom lasted more than three months. One of these guys took my step-daughter, as a new born downtwon to sell drugs on one occassion. The same guy racked up a phone bill of several hundred dollars on my wife's phone, and so she lost her line...with a new born in the home! Another broke up with my wife by having his friend put on a convincing act that he had died. My step-daughter's biological father was out getting it on with a teenage girl even as my wife was giving birth, and the only thing he has ever offered in terms of support was $20 and a punch to the face on one occassion. Yet another brought her out to another city to live with him, and then, when their relationship went sour, raped her.

 

She (my wife) was also given up for adoption wehn she was a child and placed in a home where she was abused quite badly; such that she ran away and took to the streets as a teenager.

 

Whenever we would argue, I would get blamed for all of this...put in the same boat as all of them in her eyes. And even yesterday she went on and on about how "she thinks I think" so little of her.

 

I tell you, we have had a few BIG arguements while we were together. And even as I suffered her comparing me to the trash mentioned above, not once did I ever "go there" in anger (or otherwise) and try to drive her down. While I have had my reasons to question her judgement in a few instances, I have consistently told her how beautiful she is, how proud I am to have her, how thankful I am for all her hardwork and everything she has done for our kin.

 

And even while she admitted that she said alot of very cruel trhings to me in an angry rage, do you think that she ever once even apologized for saying them?

 

And as for her going out last night. When she brought up the matter earlier in the week, was it framed in the form of a question? Nope. Just, "I'm going out this Saturday". And then again t he other day, "Yes, the plans are made, and I'm going out this Saturday."

 

Maybe you're right. For all I feel for her, maybe she isn't for me. You know, and apology for things said in her angry rages would go along way. The respect to ASK (rather than assume I must, or else, if I want to have any hope at reconciling with her) if I would watch my step-daughter while my wife goes out would go a long way.

 

Why am I scared for my step-daughter's safety? I wonder, when the old habits of living and company she is keeping, seem to be coming back.

 

Why the hell do I even love this woman.....

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So, there I was beginning to feel better about my wife being my ex (see above).

 

Yesterday she comes over after work to pick up the kids. She is in tears. She tells me her aunt, a true blood-relative who she loved and admired, died of a heart attack the night before. She was less than 50 years old.

 

So my heart melts. I let her cry on my shoulder for a good 15 - 20 minutes. She slips her hands up my sleeves before leaving and rubs my arms and shoulders, kisses me on the lips. I even say a prayer and light a candle on the household weofod (Old English for "altar") for her aunt, whom I only met once.

 

I kept both kids here last night as she went to be with her blood-kin on that side of the family. I have them tonight 'cause she works late this evening. And I am going to take them again tomorrow, as she and her kin are getting together again.

 

Man, that weight is again on my heart and mind. Any pointers or comments anyone? I'm really confused...about her feelings, my own, everything.

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Hey!

 

So my wife has been spending alot of time with her aunts kin, reconnecting with them, et al. I've always encouraged that, and am really proud that that is the way she is going with this.

 

For my own part, I've told her that any time, day or night, no matter the time, if she needs someone I'll be there for her. I even offered to go to the memorial service with her.

 

She thanked me, but said that she need to go through this alone... meaning without the comfort of me or another man. Nevertheless, I dropped by and gave her a flower and a condolence card.

 

She had me over that night to watch a DVD together, but the PS2 that she has for that was bought used and she didn't know the code to change the parental settings, so that night kinda flopped in the end.

 

I came over the next day, having checked the manual for my PS2 at home, and deleted the old parental setting code and put a new one in for her. She was emotional exhausted though, she we didn't do the movie thing that night either.

 

As for this other guy; she says that he is a "good" guy, but continues to say that they are just friends and I don't need to look at him as a competitor. No real problem there, on a strictly man to man basis. Not that I haven't had my nights out or slammed back a pitcher or two of beer in my time, but it has never been excuse for ill behavior or an incentive to pass out somewhere between point A and B.

 

Anyway, while he did drop by her place for coffee again, she had him out the door before the kids went to bed. She also told me that he has NOT being coming over there constantly, like I seemed to believe, and has only dropped by a few times.

 

I noticed yesterday that she had a ring I gave her on her ring finger. It wasn't the wedding ring, but it was a special ring. I don't know what to make of that, whether it was just a style thing (Celtic knotwork) or something else. I voiced the observation to her, but didn't question into it.

 

I know that I"ve probably already been given the best advice possible by the folks that have responded to my thread, but if someone else could chime in... tell me she's an idiot who is stringing me along, tell me I'm an idiot for wiating for a ship that has already sailed, tell me... something. There are alot of wise folks on these boards, whose advice, positivie or megative, I'd really like to hear. It would really be appreciated.

 

<big, yet apprehensive smile>

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Just to tie up this long, monotonous thread.

 

My ex brought my step-daughter over this morning, and my step-daughter immedaitely said that she smelt like a dog but her mom didn't want to tell me why and she was quite distraught about it.

 

I asked my ex what that was all about, and she said that the child was simply lying again.

 

So, after the ex left I asked a few probing questions and received some answers containing details far beyond the child's capacity to make up. I then called my ex, who again said the child was "lying as usual".

 

The supposed lie was that her mother and her spent the night at this guys house... the one mentioned in the posts above.

 

Well, fine.

 

I then went over to the coffee shop that my ex gets coffee at before work, and who is she sitting there having coffee with? "That guy".

 

We then get into a heated arguement, I stress the necessity for honesty, but she sticks to her story. Then, with "him" there I put the pressure on and finally the truth comes out. Yes, she and her daughter did spend the night there.

 

Naturally, I pissed right off. My ex is the mother of her daughter, and there she was trying to cover her lie by blaming her child of lying!!

 

So, thats it. Game over.

 

I was quite vocal at the coffee shop about how my step-daughter was my step-daughter, but how I have cared for her all along like she was my own and would continue to do so. I voiced my contempt that she would dare lie and use her own daughter to cover her lie, blaming the youngin for lying, and then wished them both (her and her new loser boyfriend) well, saying that they definitely deserve each other. I then walked off, turning briefly to call her an F*#$-in "female dog". All a big scene for everyone to hear.

 

So, once again, thats it. End of story. End of being strung along. End of being lied to... more than once over the past 8 years I'm sure. And at the expense of other basically decent folk who she blamed for being the liars I'm equally sure. Just, the end... of Hell... for me and my children.

 

I'm completely disgusted and can hardly believe that a woman could do that. I would sooner that she cheated on me (which she probably did in hindesight), then lie, and blame her own daughter for dishonesty.

 

I can't even express my anger, my contempt, my utter disdain.

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