Why won't she give me a second chance?

[AmCanIam]

Hello everyone, I really could use some input here. I proposed to my then fiancé in Aug. 05 and she called off the engagement in Jan 06 as well as ending our relationship after 18 months together. I really feel like she’s abandoned me. After three months now, I’m still tired and heart-broken. I continue to suffer the pain of her leaving me. She is and has dictated exactly how things will be between us. She doesn’t want me to call her, send her e-mails, leave her notes, or send cards and letters in the mail. She’s told me she doesn’t want me to drive down the street she lives on. I’ve only had contact with her two times in passing; we spoke a couple of words to each other. My ex told her best friend who in turn told me, than my ex needs time away from me so she can “heal” and “get back to her old self.” My ex has said that the only way she can do that is if I’m not trying to be apart of her life. Her friend said my ex meant was saying this to me not out of anger but out of desperation. Prior her saying this, I was doing everything in my power to stay in her life. Her friend said that if I loved her like I’ve said I did, then as hard as it would be for me, I’d have to give her the time and space apart that she says she wants. My ex has told me, “We’re done right now.” She did write me an E-mail awhile back and said, “I know you want me to give you an answer how things will be between us, but I don’t see a future for us right now. And, if there is one, I don’t know if or when that might happen.” She’s told me a couple of times that I need to focus on myself only and not on her or us. I’ve tried forgetting about her, but I can’t. I’ve tried to go on with my life but it’s just too hard. I can’t stop thinking of her/us, I miss her so much, and I loved her with all my heart and was committed to her. I still love her. I invested my time, energy, and emotions and believed I was always putting her first. I never saw the end result coming. I never believed she could cause me so much pain. I now know why she left, but not because she herself told me. During the last 6 months together, I fought more with her. I was verbally abusive to her. There, I’ve said it – I was verbally abusive. I now realize that I was probably abusive in our relationship all along. It became worse towards the end. A number of people have asked me how I couldn’t know what I was doing to her. I didn’t, and if I did then I minimized it. Fight, and then make up. It was an ugly cycle of verbal abuse, fight then make up. It was put downs and cursing, etc. I could never understand where my anger came from. and I’m still learning. After she left, I immediately sought therapy, now 9 week plus and I’m continuing it. She E-mailed me and told me I had integrity by admitting to my problem/s and by getting the help I needed. She said I needed to focus only on me and not us, don’t worry about what our relationship is or isn’t. I’ve tried to do that. I understand I need to do things for myself rather than as an attempt to get her back. Still, in my heart of hearts I still love her and am still in love with her. I wish I could start all over again with her but it seems like she won’t give me that chance. Being apart for so long seems to have made it easier for her to get on with her life, but more difficult for me. The only way I see a reconciliation happening is if she were to open the lines of communication between us, otherwise it looks like she doesn’t want anything more to do with me/us and she’s gone on with her life. I wonder if I’m waiting for nothing, or if she’s still worth the wait? Is it possible that we could get back together again? I was faithful and honorable to her all along our relationship. She seems very happy with her life when I do get the occasional feedback. I didn’t murder, steal, cheat, drink, drugs; I can’t understand why I can’t get or deserve a second chance. What I am guilty of is verbally abusing her. I accept responsibility for my actions; but the consequences seem too harsh for me. I’d appreciate anyone’s comments. I’d like to have her back in my life I’d like to have a second chance. What if anything can I do? In desperation, I went an purchased an E-book online that said they had 4 fail safe ways to get your love back. Thanks

[CaliGuy]

Read my thread on second chances. It will help you considerably in getting over her and should a second chance occur, better set you up for success.

 

Link to the guide is in my signature.

 

Good luck.

[AmCanIam]

Thanks, I appreciate your input. I printed your links and will read them later. Does the fact that there was abuse in the relationship change the way I should be trying/responding to get my ex back?

[dr strangelove]

Look

 

stop frigging whining and go get counselling ok?

 

Once she sees that you are trying to sort yourself out she might think different.

Meanwhile she can only consider she will have to put up with more abuse, make sense?

 

I dont know the whole story perhaps she provoked you somewhat, or maybe you just needed someone to let it out on. Not sure.

 

Working out this issue with a professional, is a good start.

 

And thats only half of what you need to do.

 

Second part is back the ---k off. CArds, letters etc.. that doesnt make up for

something crappy.

I know it sucks they do crap, we forgive them.. we do something ah its the end.. and they can do worse to you and still whatever you have done is magnified 150 times

 

ciao

[climbergirl]

Thanks, I appreciate your input. I printed your links and will read them later. Does the fact that there was abuse in the relationship change the way I should be trying/responding to get my ex back?

 

I'm sorry that people aren't responding to your 'verbal abuse' in a proper way.

 

Verbal abuse cuts you to the core. In the receipents mind, they think, "if he/she loved me he/she wouldn't think those things about me. There is really no excuse for it--much like there is no excuse for physical abuse. And cutting words are hard to forget. Someone else stated that maybe you were 'provoked' to say them...........from experience I can say that unless it was a back/forth verbal assault........in no way were you provoked and is akin to saying that you can be provoked to physically abuse someone. Be careful what you say from hereonin.........some words stick with a person.

 

I seriously commend you, though, for stating what you did and owning up to it. It really IS a huge step. It may take her some time to get over it..and you trying to make amends does count. Just, please, be careful what you say in anger.

[Ukwizard]

Whoa! AmcanIcan. Your situation sounds very like mine except we never argued. I think you are looking for an explanation why she ended your relationship. Reading through your post I believe you already know your answer and that was because you where abusive to her.

 

" I didn’t murder, steal, cheat, drink, drugs" but you did miss out the word abuse here, and even verbal abuse is NOT acceptable.

 

I emphasise with you as my girlfriend left me, although we where together for nine months she changed her personnailty in the last week I knew her and she kindly dumped my by email. No explanantion but the EXACT same rhetorical jargon. The I DONT SEE A FUTURE WITH US RIGHT NOW. Yeah, my girlfriedn used this exact line to me. I asked her when we could get back together and she replied `I dunno!?` and wanted me to date others and then come back to her!!

 

Caliguy is entitled to his opinion of no contact. I m not sure if that will work as each individual is different but your ex has asked for no contact.

 

"She doesn’t want me to call her, send her e-mails, leave her notes, or send cards and letters in the mail. She’s told me she doesn’t want me to drive down the street she lives on."

 

The question to the above quote here is, have the 2 of you split up before or has she had a previous ex? The last line of drive down her street sounds scary! Are you clingy?

 

I m in contact with my ex and through talking as friends I have found out the reasons why she left me. By the way I found out 3 months later why! Be prepared for a long wait bit again it really depends on the individual person. My ex girlfriend does not like confrontation at all. She will quite happily walk away. Thats what she did when she saw flaws in our relatonship, and instead of fixing them she walked. Maybe your ex is like that too. Has she asked for something and you have become verbally abusive? You said it yourself. Maybe she doesnt want contact in case you get abusive again.

 

Have you tried anger management?

[CaliGuy]

Thanks, I appreciate your input. I printed your links and will read them later. Does the fact that there was abuse in the relationship change the way I should be trying/responding to get my ex back?

 

Yes. I think if she feels threatened by the abuse it will make it hard for her to come back.

 

You should focus on controlling your anger. Work on improving yourself. She will see the change in you if you do it FOR YOURSELF and not for her.

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy is entitled to his opinion of no contact. I m not sure if that will work as each individual is different but your ex has asked for no contact.

 

I think NC is important because it breaks you away from the situation and gives you time to focus on yourself, not trying to win the ex back when you're not in a position to be successful. The next paragraph also makes NC the wise descision:

 

"She doesn’t want me to call her, send her e-mails, leave her notes, or send cards and letters in the mail. She’s told me she doesn’t want me to drive down the street she lives on."

[dr strangelove]

You know what verbal abuse can range from something small(ex: please leave me alone, this food needs more ketchup etc) to a complete destruction of someones character..(like an army drill sargent would do)

 

No one really has any idea

 

Sure NC great idea, but that verbal abuse thing needs to be dealt with and either you do it on your own, or see you see someone about it. If you are trying to impress someone it would look better if you saw someone.

 

 

However

 

It could be based upon the other person, some people just bring it out in you, or

they provoke etc..

 

If she feels you really abused her then the no contact should be taken as a warning of what is yet to come, next stop restraining order.

[Ukwizard]

You know what verbal abuse can range from something small(ex: please leave me alone, this food needs more ketchup etc)

 

dr strangeglove. I wouldnt consider this as verbal abuse especially when you use the word `please` in the same sentence.

 

Abuse is

 

1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a privilege.
   
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
   
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
   
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.

I believe n.o 4 to be more correct in describing verbal abuse

[AmCanIam]

Hi, Sorry I couldn't get back sooner but my computer is broken so I use the one at work. I appreciate your comments and it rings true. Problem is, while I was in the relationship and being verbally abusive, I couldn't see the damage I was causing the relationship or more importantly, to my ex-fiance. The moment she said we were over and splitting up was when literally the veil was lifted from my eyes and I could see the damage I caused. In the past, I've likened it to an alcoholic. They go out get drunk, get into a fight with their buddy, cause damage to the bar. The make it home, sleep it off and wake up the next day not knowing what happened last night. They find out quickly when the buddy is angry and won't speak to them, the bar owner is pressing charges for the damages. It is then that they realize what happened last night. If they take responsibility for their actions, they then realize that there are consequences for their actions to follow. For me, it seems exactly this way. I'm now fully aware of my actions and take responsibility for them. When I say I didn't cheat, murder, steal, it was my way of saying that in my mind my "punishment" aka consequences didn't match the "crime" aka being verbally abusive. I'm painfully aware how my words and behaviours caused damage and pain to her. I'm so very regretful for my actions and wished only for a second chance. She said she had already given me "chances" when we were together, but I of course didn't/couldn't see them or I simply minimized them. I can't say I was "provoked" directly by her, but I believe her behaviour contributed to the escalation. You're absolutely right, there isn't any excuse at all whether provoked or not. As you said, it doesn't matter whether physical/verbal/emotional/sexual abuse - it is all abuse. This I painfully know now.

Words can hurt harder than a fist

. I believe this to be true and it saddens me to know what I've lost. Thank-you for your kinds words, I do now own up to my behaviour, I am seeking help professionally and I'm working of getting invovled in an Anger Management group. I know from personal experience exactly how very LITTLE resources exist to help the abuser. They are basically non-existant. It seems society is intent on simply dealing with the abuser and problems after the fact instead of dealing with it beforehand and having prevention/intervention programs. I'm dismayed and frustrated. Their are dozens of programs that deal with and assist the victim (as it should be), but the other half is dealing with persons such as myself. I realize my ex will eventually get over the abuse and pain I caused her. I'm afraid to say and basically know that it won't be with me. I am so much more aware of my behaviour and actions especially when I feel myself getting angry. Once again, seems too little, too late. I wish I could repair the damage I caused my ex, that's what I'd really like to do. Someone else said I had to work on myself. Absolutely right, and I finally am! It hasn't been easy because I still suffer when I think of how I really hurt her and wished I didn't; I wouldn't be here now. Climbergirl, I'm committed to being "careful" what I say in the future because that is all I have. Unfortunately I can't take back what I did and said to my ex, I'm trying to work on things since the breakup. I'm a guy, I want to fix "things", the relationship with my ex no different. I don't think I'll get that chance, her actions (no contact whatsoever) speaks volumes as to what she's thinking. If she could only see me now, I've come quite a ways in the past three months. I've yet to truly decide if I'm going to continue to try to become a more healthy person for me alone in the hopes of getting her back, or doing the same thing knowing I may never get her back. I wish I weren't the way I am, but then again that could also be true for the addict or the alcoholic right? What a lesson to learn. Thanks.

[AmCanIam]

Hey, for starters there isn't any "frigging whining" coming from me. It's called human emotions, you know like pain,regret,remorse,sorrow stuff like that. If that's frigging whining than maybe I'm guilty - SO BE IT. If you'd read my post thoroughly, you'd have seen that I've been seeking help/therapy since she left me. I really do agree with your paragraph, "Once she sees that you are trying to sort yourself out she might think differently. Meanwhile she can only consider she will have to put up with more abuse, make sense? It really does, but since there isn't any contact she won't be able to "see" what I've done much less "hear" about it. Yep, once she sent me the E-mail saying don't call/write/E-mail etc. I did just that and stopped although it has been extremely hard to; I really miss her and her company still. I know it won't make up for anything, it was my attempt at trying to reach out to her as I apologized and admitted my actions were plain wrong. Isn't that true about what we've done being magnified 150 times! Thanks for your input, this has been my first attempt at doing this. Later

[AmCanIam]

You're absolutely right I'm looking for an explanation as to why she ended the relationship, because although my being abusive played a large part, I can't believe it is all of it. She's never taken any responsibility for her actions in the relationship and how it made things less than joyful. Yes, I know part of the answer but she never once said why she was leaving. It has all been a guessing game for me but I know the most important reason for sure. I so agree with you, "Even verbal abuse is NOT acceptable". It isn't, I know now. No, we had never split up prior to her ending the relationship in January, and yes she's had a previous ex. Okay, maybe being asked to, "not drive down her street" is scary perhaps stalking scary, but it's not. I live < 3 blocks from her and going past her house is only one of two ways for me to leave the neighborhood ie go to work etc. After being asked not to drive by her house, I didn't, I stopped even though I didn't like it. Going the other way works also, but it takes me another 8 blocks out of my way. See, being the nice guy I think I am, and doing what I think to be the right thing, I no longer drive down her street past her house. Clingy? Not really sure. Did I enjoy doing things with her over going out with a friend to a movie? Yes, mostly. In hindsight, I think that maybe I was smothering her. I was new to the country, no friends, did things with all her friends, I considered my ex to be my best friend. I should have taken the time to cultivate friendships/relationships outside us. Once again, I learned this lesson too late. Yes, I'm prepared for a very long wait. Unfortunately, it now looks like I simply have to, "go on with my life even without her." Honestly, I think it was rare when I thought she "provoked" me into one of my tirades, verbal abuse. I think it came solely from me, and even if it didn't I can't use her actions as an excuse to justify my rotten behaviour. I am trying anger management next time they offer it. (Other than the court ordered type). I live in a small town of <3,000 so anything remotely available is hours away. I do believe that she does "fear" my verbally abusive behaviour and not necessarily me the person. Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.

[AmCanIam]

Hi again, thanks for taking the time to post/respond to my thread. Unfortunately I agree with you even though I really don't want to because it's not what I want or want to hear. My ex is very stubborn and once she's made up her mind that's it. Her marriage only lasted < year and without trying counseling or anything, she just said she wanted a divorce - so she left him and got it. I think her mind is probably already made up and probably was months prior to her actually ending the relationship. That hurts! I am quite focused of controlling her anger - it stops here and now because it has ruined past relationships for the same reason. I really do need to work on improving myself for sure. I have alot of work to do there and what I've done already is unpleasant and hard. Admitting to faults and imperfections is hard. Truly, truly, truly, I wish/hope and pray that one day she really will see the change in me because I did it for myself and not for her. If I choose to change, there won't be any other way or reason than doing it for myself because she's gone, we're done and without any contact whatsoever she won't have the chance to see my changes. Thanks again, keep in touch.

[catgirl1927]

You're absolutely right I'm looking for an explanation as to why she ended the relationship, because although my being abusive played a large part, I can't believe it is all of it.

 

This is you not taking responsibility. And who really cares what caused it? She wants you out of her life.

 

I have been in emotionally abusive relationships before. When we come to our senses and realize that we have allowed you to do that to us, to use and humiliate us for your own enjoyment, we are FURIOUS. She wants no contact, and she means it. You don't think you did anything wrong because you think all you did was hurt her feelings a couple of times. The fact is, you can't accept she doesn't want you to leave her alone, because you have no more respect for her feelings now than you did then.

[climbergirl]

You're absolutely right I'm looking for an explanation as to why she ended the relationship, because although my being abusive played a large part, I can't believe it is all of it. She's never taken any responsibility for her actions in the relationship and how it made things less than joyful. Yes, I know part of the answer but she never once said why she was leaving. It has all been a guessing game for me but I know the most important reason for sure. I so agree with you, "Even verbal abuse is NOT acceptable". It isn't, I know now. No, we had never split up prior to her ending the relationship in January, and yes she's had a previous ex. Okay, maybe being asked to, "not drive down her street" is scary perhaps stalking scary, but it's not. I live < 3 blocks from her and going past her house is only one of two ways for me to leave the neighborhood ie go to work etc. After being asked not to drive by her house, I didn't, I stopped even though I didn't like it. Going the other way works also, but it takes me another 8 blocks out of my way. See, being the nice guy I think I am, and doing what I think to be the right thing, I no longer drive down her street past her house. Clingy? Not really sure. Did I enjoy doing things with her over going out with a friend to a movie? Yes, mostly. In hindsight, I think that maybe I was smothering her. I was new to the country, no friends, did things with all her friends, I considered my ex to be my best friend. I should have taken the time to cultivate friendships/relationships outside us. Once again, I learned this lesson too late. Yes, I'm prepared for a very long wait. Unfortunately, it now looks like I simply have to, "go on with my life even without her." Honestly, I think it was rare when I thought she "provoked" me into one of my tirades, verbal abuse. I think it came solely from me, and even if it didn't I can't use her actions as an excuse to justify my rotten behaviour. I am trying anger management next time they offer it. (Other than the court ordered type). I live in a small town of <3,000 so anything remotely available is hours away. I do believe that she does "fear" my verbally abusive behaviour and not necessarily me the person. Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.

 

I'm impressed with your ability to own up to your own s***. A lot of people find it much easier to place the blame on someone else--which I find to be extremely cowardly. I really hope she sees the steps you have taken.

 

I have no idea if she'll come back to you, but I believe that there is a lesson to be learned from every relationship. You have truly learned something important about yourself--and working on yourself will certainly pave the way to a better relationship--with her or someone else.

 

Good Luck--I hope the best for you.

[AmCanIam]

I have taken responsibility, and have said so a number of times. I really care about what caused it so I can learn from my mistakes. If I remain unaware of my mistakes, then I'm destined to repeat them. Yes, she wants me out of her life, that is clear. You couldn't be more wrong, I NEVER ENJOYED being abusive to her. Maybe that was the way in your emotionally abusive relationships, but for myself hearing you say I may have enjoyed abusing her is just sick on your part. Wrong again, I am all too painfully aware what I did was wrong and for you to say otherwise just means your ignorant of my situation and judging my actions or inactions. I wrote in the hopes I could learn something, not to have someone opening judge me such as you have. No, I repeatedly hurt her feelings and vividly recall them over and over in my mind trying to figure out how I could do what I did. What I'm having trouble with is accepting that she's gone, we're no longer a couple. "The fact is, you can't accept she doesn't want you to leave her alone, because you have no more respect for her feelings now than you did then." You've got it backwards I think, I have accepted the fact that she DOES want me to leave her alone. I respect her enough to do the things she's asked me not to do such as E-mail, write, call her. I continue to respect her feelings/wishes even though it is hard. All the same, thanks for your input.