My Disastrous "second chance"...a warning to all

[delilah32]

I realize there's not a one size fits all scenario to this stuff, but I wanted to briefly post about my recent attempt at a second chance. You can browse the archives for my initial posts and even quietly point any inconsistencies between what I said then and what I'm about to say here. Putting something in writing lends itself to that kind of scrutiny.

 

Anyway..in a nutshell, my recent ex dumped me the first time back in November citing a lifelong inability to fully commit and a midlife crisis as the culprit (he's 51 to my 33). This, after a dizzying love several month long love affair in which he basically had me on that dreaded f***ing pedestal that I never wanna be on again. I established NC right away back then and stuck to it. I went through all typical self-flaggelating period, etc, etc but I stuck to my guns. I think spending time with another guy I met right around then helped ease the pain too...though it was a platonic relationship with only hints of romance. Anyway, after a few weeks, the ex began a campaign to win me back. It would take all day to describe the lengths he went to to reestablish my trust and love. The campaign went on for about a month and I was extremely resistant throughout most of it. I honestly thought I was over the guy and that he'd done me a favor by dumping me. But then, and I can't fully explain this yet though I'm sure it was the manifestation of some deep pathology of mine, I finally surrendered and welcomed him back full-scale into my life. UNBELIEVABLE. I have literally slapped my own head for doing so. You guessed it...less than two months later, he does the EXACT SAME THING ALL OVER AGAIN. Dumps me heartlessly, saying he's still experiencing some kind of depressive episode and can't take the pressure of a committed relationship. This, after he got down on one knee and looked me in the eye multiple times swearing that he WOULD NEVER hurt me again that way. It's just astonishing to me. I feel like I'm stuck in some terrible, psychodrama episode of the Twilight Zone and I have no idea how to get out of it. I'm in the most acute, profound emotional trauma right now and want it be gone. It's like thinking you have a PhD and then one day feeling like you never even made it through kindergarten.

 

I'm sorry to ramble. Sleep deprivation and psychic torture can make even the most competent of folks a lil' loony. This time I would say the pain is Much, Much worse because like a sadist, I INVITED IT INTO MY LIFE! I'm having more trouble this time around for sure. Last night I even got a buzz and went to his house at 1am...somethign I've not done since highschool. Needless to say he wasn't happy and any barely there scab I was forming was mercilessly ripped off in an instant. I guess I'm just aching for some support here. It's hard to keep obsessively yapping about it all to real life friends. Also, I really do want folks to be very, very cautious about going back into toxic relationships. I'm not a fan of Dr. Laura's politics, but one of her mantras is really resonating with me right now. She talks a lot about how people, women particularly, tend to ignore glaring red flags in men and then have the audacity to be shocked when those red flags come back to bite them down the road. Yes, I decisively handed my heart on a silver platter to a man who'd already broken it before and who told me unambiguously that he was a commitment phobe. I can't decide who I'm angrier with, myself or him. Right now I'm in the please make the pain stop phase, but I believe I may be on the brink of making some spiritual "breakthrough" when and if I get on the other side of this.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening and I promise to be more coherent next time. Would appreciate any suggestions/feedback.

[Guest]

Wow Delilah

 

 

I honestly can relate to a certain degree

 

I fell for a man 20 years my senior many years ago. We had a torrid, whirlwind love affair full of wine and poetry and promises. He bought me gorgeous gifts and filled my life with bouquets of flowers. He told me I was his 'soul mate' and that we were meant for each other. He gazed into my eyes and held my hand and said he had never felt this kind of love before, that this was different and special and heaven-sent.

I moved in with him and things began to change.

 

He began coming home later and later, oftentimes drunk.

He'd 'forget' that I had a special dinner planned or that we'd made plans to do something together.

The loving words disappeared and the harsh sarcasm started.

He started acting paranoid, accusing me of cheating on him (I never did) and accusing me of taking money (I never did)

 

I finally left.

 

He went on an incredible campaign to win me back. Money...flowers...candy...poetry...begging..phone calls....letters...cards...little notes tucked into my car's windshield wipers...you name it.

 

Fool that I was, I went back.

 

Again, the minute I was back in the hold, so to speak, and had my belongings back into his closets and dressers...the abuse started again.

 

Drunken, verbal abuse. Emotional coldness and distance. Accusations and finger pointing.

 

It was horrible. I felt like I was going crazy.

 

 

And I flagellated myself for being such an IDIOT. Why would I go back with someone who was an alcoholic?

Why would I go back to someone who acted crazy?

Why?

 

I still don't know why.

 

It took about six more months of craziness, abuse and terrible painful loneliness for me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and tell him to "F" off...I was outta there.

 

The campaign to win me back started all over again. He was a real Jekyll and Hyde, I tell you what.

 

My self esteem had taken such a battering, I did the only thing I could think of; run into another man's arms.

 

That relationship was doomed too, but at least I was with a gentle, kindly person who wouldn't abuse me.

 

Your story should be a wakeup call for all women Delilah. Unfortunately, I think too many of us have to learn the hard way that abusive people do not change....not unless they gain some kind of insight and awareness, which takes therapy. Many don't realize they need any.

[climbergirl]

Wow, lady, I've been looking for a post like yours. Empathy is too weak a word to describe how I feel about your situation. I'm going through the same thing, however, i've gotten to the point that I, too, feel masochistic and can no longer allow myself to be treated with such abuse. Yes, abuse! And I've let him do it to me.......I can't blame him for my stupidity in allowing him to suck me into his internal demise.

 

But don't beat yourself up over giving him another chance. Sometimes you just want to believe the best in people.....believing what they say, because probably YOU wouldn't promise without understanding the consequences of not following through. And content yourself with having no regrets.......you exhausted every avenue and he has proven that you two are not on the same page (not to mention values, morals etc).

 

Look at this as an opportunity that he has inadvertantly given you to move on. He has now given you no reason to look back wistfully.

 

{hug}

[delilah32]

climbergirl, thank you very much for the hug, cyber or not, it was exactly what i needed at this moment.

[J dub]

I...Anyway..in a nutshell, my recent ex dumped me the first time back in November citing a lifelong inability to fully commit and a midlife crisis as the culprit (he's 51 to my 33). This, after a dizzying love several month long love affair in which he basically had me on that dreaded f***ing pedestal that I never wanna be on again. I established NC right away back then and stuck to it. I went through all typical self-flaggelating period, etc, etc but I stuck to my guns. I think spending time with another guy I met right around then helped ease the pain too...

 

....It's like thinking you have a PhD and then one day feeling like you never even made it through kindergarten....

 

...This time I would say the pain is Much, Much worse because like a sadist, I INVITED IT INTO MY LIFE!

 

...I'm having more trouble this time around for sure. ......, women particularly, tend to ignore glaring red flags in men and then have the audacity to be shocked when those red flags come back to bite them down the road. Yes, I decisively handed my heart on a silver platter to a man who'd already broken it before and who told me unambiguously that he was a commitment phobe. I can't decide who I'm angrier with, myself or him.

 

Oh delilah32, I feel for you because I did the SAME THING. I took out the parts in your post that hit home the most for me so you could plainly see how similar our situations are.

 

I guess my advice would be, try not to beat yourself up for wanting to trust another individual. Obviously he does care for you or he wouldnt have come back, however he has a sick and disgusting way of shattering it to peices. My ex took me thru the wringer the exact same way and I am enduring it (week #2) right now.

 

It does help to think, one day at a time...I will get thru this...one day at a time. Next thing you know its already been a month and youre hardly thinking of them any longer. Its definitely a process, but for us females it helps to FEEL out those emotions to get them out of our system. If youre home and you want to cry, do it. If youre angry, let it out. Get a journal and write out your frustrations and maybe even some hate letters to him (but do NOT send them, this obviously wont help!) and in a couple of weeks go back and reread them and you'll see the gloriousness that is, you've already been healing.

 

Its like toxic emotions getting thru this sadistic bastar.ds. You feel that much worse because you were out! Safe! And then, you took him back...when in your heart you knew it could be amistake and might be a huge risk. at least, at this point, you can hatehatehate him to get over him. And you know you were the bigger person because you found it in you to forgive whereas he's just an idiot altogether.

 

Hang in there, if anything I am in the pain process with you

[climbergirl]

climbergirl, thank you very much for the hug, cyber or not, it was exactly what i needed at this moment.

 

You're welcome...anytime. Your post did a lot for me---it's amazing to see your own thoughts expressed verbally by someone else. A real eye opener.

 

Do what I'm doing--take a trip with a close friend to regroup. I would think that would expedite this transitory phase we are in.

 

All's good delilah.

[Curmudgeon]

If you ever have the urge to try again, just remember that one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting to get different results.

[climbergirl]

Oh delilah32, I feel for you because I did the SAME THING. I took out the parts in your post that hit home the most for me so you could plainly see how similar our situations are.

 

I guess my advice would be, try not to beat yourself up for wanting to trust another individual. Obviously he does care for you or he wouldnt have come back, however he has a sick and disgusting way of shattering it to peices. My ex took me thru the wringer the exact same way and I am enduring it (week #2) right now.

 

It does help to think, one day at a time...I will get thru this...one day at a time. Next thing you know its already been a month and youre hardly thinking of them any longer. Its definitely a process, but for us females it helps to FEEL out those emotions to get them out of our system. If youre home and you want to cry, do it. If youre angry, let it out. Get a journal and write out your frustrations and maybe even some hate letters to him (but do NOT send them, this obviously wont help!) and in a couple of weeks go back and reread them and you'll see the gloriousness that is, you've already been healing.

 

Its like toxic emotions getting thru this sadistic bastar.ds. You feel that much worse because you were out! Safe! And then, you took him back...when in your heart you knew it could be amistake and might be a huge risk. at least, at this point, you can hatehatehate him to get over him. And you know you were the bigger person because you found it in you to forgive whereas he's just an idiot altogether.

 

Hang in there, if anything I am in the pain process with you

 

She nailed a portion of it in bold print.

 

My only contention is with the ...'he cares' part. He didn't....well, not about you (or us). He (they) attempted again only to satisfy themselves.....the good feeling portion that you (we) give to them. To have truly cared about us they would have made a valid attempt to not repeat the same mistake. I only say this because I made the mistake (many times) of believing him. I thought, possibly, that he had some sort of an epiphany. Never happened. Same 'mistake' over and over. I just don't want the impression to be made that his reconciliation is a show of redemption on his part. It's taken a long time to realize that it is not.

 

Sorry you both (and I) are going through this.

[J dub]

She nailed a portion of it in bold print.

 

My only contention is with the ...'he cares' part. He didn't....well, not about you (or us). He (they) attempted again only to satisfy themselves.....the good feeling portion that you (we) give to them. To have truly cared about us they would have made a valid attempt to not repeat the same mistake. I only say this because I made the mistake (many times) of believing him. I thought, possibly, that he had some sort of an epiphany. Never happened. Same 'mistake' over and over. I just don't want the impression to be made that his reconciliation is a show of redemption on his part. It's taken a long time to realize that it is not.

 

Sorry you both (and I) are going through this.

You are right Climbergirl, its their own selfish needs that triggered them to come back to us with a vegence (sp?) they missed us entirely too much to let us go completely so they put back on the happy/loving/selfless act to trick us back in to their traps.

 

Us girls gotta stick together - and lets keep reminding eachother that although its human to make mistakes, if you dont correct and adjust yourself accordingly after the first time around (when they lost us the first go-round), then theyre simply brainless mutts.

 

At least I'm not the only one who had a heart and felt it may be possible for them to change (not anymore!!!!!)

[climbergirl]

You are right Climbergirl, its their own selfish needs that triggered them to come back to us with a vegence (sp?) they missed us entirely too much to let us go completely so they put back on the happy/loving/selfless act to trick us back in to their traps.

 

Us girls gotta stick together - and lets keep reminding eachother that although its human to make mistakes, if you dont correct and adjust yourself accordingly after the first time around (when they lost us the first go-round), then theyre simply brainless mutts.

 

At least I'm not the only one who had a heart and felt it may be possible for them to change (not anymore!!!!!)

 

Nailed it again, chica. However, my addendum is that I am a brainless mutt for allowing him to do this to me 3,4,5 etc. x's. I hope you girls can see from my example that it does not change. It does not change for someone who does not want to change. Forget the words.....look at the actions.

 

C's quote is one of my favorite and very applicable.

[Guest]

thanks to all for the helpful advice. it's comforting to know there are other women out there in the same boat. i tend to be hard on myself at times and as i get older, find myself feeling more and more like the proverbial freakish old spinster, particularly as those around me seem so happily coupled.

 

i guess just now i'm feeling very jaded about the whole romantic love thing in general. science tells us it's an ephemeral chemical reaction that expires in about a year, that in fact, serotonin levels of those in the acute "IN LOVE" phase are about 40% lower than the average population, and are equal to serotonin levels found in individuals with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. then, many of my spiritual readings tell me that all romantic love is ego-based and ultimately functions to keep us under the illusion that we are in fact separate, autonomous people, when in fact we are all one. that essentially, by engaging in romantic love we are perpetuating the idea that love is scarce when in fact it is abundant, and that love being the natural state of the human being, we are lying to ourselves when we say we've found a "special relationship" on which to project our impulses to love. bleh.

 

all i know right now for a fact is that i'm tired of feeling like a useless piece of s*** each time a relationship fails...whether by my own doing or the other person's. and while i'm pissed off at my most recent ex for luring me back into his web, i'm keenly aware of the role i played in taking him back and even possibly in our breakup. i feel like i have to go back to the basics. as trite as it is to say, it can't be said enough that the hallmark lie is just that, a lie. there's not another person out there who can complete us. as long as we believe that everytime we go into a new relationship, we will continue to feel INcomplete once its over. like i do right now. there has to be a better, healthier approach to this stuff. i also feel jaded because even though i alluded to all my happy coupled friends, the truth is, you need barely scratch the surface to find unhappiness and maladaptive behaviors in those relationships as well...or just plain compromise. sorry for being so pessimistic today, but i woke up seeing the glass half empty. thanks again to all.