reconciliation with ex - worried though

[pandnh4]

hey everyone...

so my ex and i spoke again on wednesday and after a week apart we decided to talk things over... we spoke about several issues over the phone for a long while and finally agreed to give it a go again... she seemed so much more open and willing to work on things this time around and i felt so relieved...

we met up later on that evening and i took her out for dinner and then drinks... we had such a pleasant time, then eventually went back to her place, became intimate with each other, and i spent the night there, etc... it was definitely a strange feeling being back over there after only a week apart but i felt comfort and connection...

i went to work the next day and called her later on in the afternoon to see how her day was going... well, the conversation started off great, but little by little she became more and more anxious and then started bringing up issues again... for one, she said that her roommate was concerned about me and didn't feel too comfortable with us... she mentioned that her roommate had felt that i was being manipulative and trying to turn my gf against her; this is mainly because my gf misplaced/lost her wallet a while ago and the roommate overheard a conversation in which i suggested that perhaps she might be involved... fwiw, the wallet later turned up in her my gf's room, all the while i was covering her expenses and bailing her out while it was missing...

i told my gf that i would speak with her roommate and try to smooth things over, in that i wasn't suggesting it was her, only asking questions and not ruling anyone out... for the record, her roommate thought that i was responsible for the missing wallet... this is upsetting to me because my gf has no qualms with her suspicion that it was my fault, plus it didn't really seem like she was sticking up for me... anyway, that's that...

later on i spoke with her again over the phone; she became upset over my concerns of what she's told her roommate... i told her it's hard to come off as a good person when all she does is spill dirt and talk smack about me when she was upset with me in the past...

as the anxiety started to build again, my gf began bringing up old issues again, including one in which she is uncomfortable with me tutoring a little girl (because according to her it ruins the fantasy of role-playing)... i feel like things are going right back to the way they were in which my gf picks apart every little thing that i say or do or without which tries to pick a fight with me... she then began taking stabs at me and cheap-shots, and she would continue even when i would point it out...

personally, i feel like her roommate is trying to turn her against me and plant suspicious thoughts in my gf's head... i feel like she knows too much about me and our relationship that she is trying to use it against us... i also just want to work things out but my gf has the toughest time letting go of the past... with her, when it rains, it seriously pours!!! how can i deal with these issues? what can i do to smooth things over and help her move on when she doesn't want to seek help for herself or give in anywhere?

thanx for you help, care, and advice...

[simon sez]

Learn how to AGREE.....

 

You are coming across as needy and whiney and defensive. Stop arguing with her and AGREE with her.

 

Here is what WILL WORK....

 

Leave her alone and wait until she calls you and asks what's up....

 

Then tell her you have been doing some thinking. Tell her YOU HAVE DECIDED (decisive men attract women) that she is RIGHT. You have realized that what she has been saying is true and that all the old issues are still there and that you have realized that it IS NOT WORKING BETWEEN YOU. Tell her you think it is best if you both take some time apart. Tell her you aren't sure how you feel, and are tired of the arguing and need some space......

 

Then politely tell her you are right in the middle of leaving and need to get going. THEN HANG UP...

 

Go out and start having a blast. Make her come POUNDING on your door...

 

 

Successful men DO NOT CHASE A WOMAN WHO ACTS LIKE YOUR WOMAN DOES.

 

Women prefer to chase and are much happier when they are feeling like they are getting a man who other woman see as a good catch...

 

Be that man.. Quit acting like a low self esteem man who will take whatever a woman dishes out. Do NOT tolerate a woman who treats you this way and you will find that you won't get treated that way....

 

Men who are successful with women would not in a million years try to convince a woman to believe in them.. The woman would BE TELLING the man how great she thinks he is. Get a grip.. You will never keep this woman or any woman for long with the approach you are presently using...

 

Let her think you have and want to move on without her... You will be amazed when you find her pursuing you.... You can't be pursued if you are the one pursuing...

[CaliGuy]

Agree with Simon. If you have to chase a woman, you will never catch her. Obviously you need to show some interest when you meet someone new but if you're doing all the chasing you leave them no room to breath, to wonder, to day dream, etc.

 

Fish never take bait that is dropped directly on their head. You have to tease them with it. Give them a nibble and take it away. Stupid game but that's what works.

[pandnh4]

well it's a slightly delicate situation in that this girl is stubborn and not the type to chase after a guy... since she thinks she's tops, she expects people to be chasing after her... in the beginning of the relationship we took it very slowly, which is the vibe i got from her, and i did the old-fashioned *courting* thing...

moreover, although it might just be a figure of speech, there's no way she could possibly pound at my door because we live in different cities and she has no car... in case you've missed some of my older posts, public transportation was never an option because of comfort and safety (read, oakland) so i basically did all the commuting...

also i feel that it is playing wishy washy if we reconcile because it's what i wanted but then step back and say, actually no we shouldn't be together... that doesn't look very decisive imho...

i agree that she should not be treating me this way... her opinion, however, is that of course she shouldn't expect someone to change, but if she doesn't approve of something or if something, however irrational, gets to her, she decides to not be with that person... there is a huge gap in her logical reasoning, but maybe that's just me...

i just don't feel that she will chase if i step back... i believe that she lost alot of connection with me through our past fights, words, and actions, which worries me... hey, i'm not proud of some things i've said and done, but i love her immensely and know she does too...

[cygny]

Stepping back won't work. Men pursue, women respond, it's nature. Ever see a flower chase a bee? You've already got a relationship with her, now you need to know how to handle one.

 

You need a boyfriend manual not a pickup manual.

 

Here's chapter 1.

 

You need to think of some solutions to the problems she's raised. then ask her how she feels about your solutions. If there is some negative feelings on her part about your solutions, take her feelings into consideration and come up with new or revised solutions until you both are happy. You do the thinking and deciding, you let her do the feelings and give input which you treat with great consideration. Both of you should be happy with your solutions. Then you take the action that you both are comfortable with. You show your leadership through thinking, decisions and actions, combined with consideration of her feelings.

[pandnh4]

thanx for the responses to my problem...

i am particularly concerned because my gf is intransigent on so many things and then, when we come to an agreement, she changes her mind later on until things are exactly her way... then when i cave again and she finally does get her way, she puts up more fuss and makes me feel bad for not having gone along with her the whole time...

for one, she was upset about the tutoring situation... i've been sensitive to her insecurities, although they are her own, and proposed to stop tutoring young ladies... then she said oh, it's ok, just wait until the end of the semester... so i'm like fine, then when i go to the next session the following week, she gets all upset at me, doesn't return my calls, and breaks up with me for not really *knowing* what to do... like i'm some sort of mindreader!!!

so after a week apart and then reconciliation, we are spending last night together... i had already agreed to stop tutoring and then she says it's ok, just give them 2 weeks notice... so i'm like fine, but later that night she says no actually, i shouldn't even go any more... so i say fine i'll just go tomorrow night and tell them face to face that i can't work with their daughter anymore and she flips out about that, saying that i shouldn't even have to go...

she accuses me of not being trustworthy, calls me a pedophile, says it's f*cked up for me to even fight with her about this and that she should be more important to me than tutoring... even when i give in she insults me, belittles me, and continues to hurt me when i point out that she is being hurtful...

what should i do? i think i have to break up with her, no? otherwise i am just being a serious pushover... it seems as if she has already lost all respect for me so what more is there to lose?

help!!!

[cygny]

sounds like you need to call her on it and take a stand. make a decision then don't change, and tell her this is the way it will be. don't let her yank her around and don't complain about it but take the lead. if she wants to break up over it, let her and walk away.

[datboispiggs]

IMHO, get rid of the bitch(sorry to call her that but its the truth). YOU ARE HER LITTLE PUPPY DOG. Stop meeting her demands. Is there things you don't like about her? Im sure there is but you get over them cause you love her right? BS. Does she reciprocate? No. She's telling you how to live your life to meet her demands and thats complete bull****. I don't know how long you've been together but if its less than 2 years, plan on having the rest of your life controlled unless you put up a front on her immature ass. Tell her you won't put up with ****, if you wanna tutor, then tutor. I sense some jealousy and its not gonna get any better (personal experience). My ex would hug dudes she new and I was cool with it. But then a chick would come talk to me. ANd I'd get the 5th degree. Who's that, why's she talking to you. I don't know maybe cause she thinks I'm sexy and is laughing at me for being with your retarded ass. It's funny that I'm such a bad guy, but after 2 months of no contact.. she comes to me. But now we aint together. She says I'm a psycho which iwas one night drunk. She made me feel so low that I grabbed my shotgun. What can I say people do stupid **** when they're drunk. But she breaks through my window screen late at night cause she thought I had a chick over. And thats not psycho? She's got issues and is brainwashing all her friends to make me be a bad guy. But why does she come back to me then? If she wants the cock I'll be glad to give it to her. Then kick her ass out my house and treat her how she wants to be treated. Its funny how you see what a person is really like after dating them. Her last relationship ended badly, does that mean that she's got issues? 95% yes. And they're brought onto me and I go retarded over ****. She wants someone who is just like her. Good luck. I think you're situation is gnna be the same calibur so my suggeston is don't talk to her for a good 4 months. She'll be thinking about you. Go Get some ladies and let her find out. If she doesnt come back. You got ladies to deal with now. YOU CANT LOSE. Sure it will be hard to not think about her when you're with new woman. But don't compare. And for godsakes dont call her. Its hard I know cause you think you care about them so much that you gotta know what they're doing. Who gives a ****. They're doing the same thing (this early in a breakup). ANd if she doesnt contact you then you've already moved on. I don't know what better way to say it but thats what I think would be appropriate in your situation. Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime is on your side yes it is. Later dog. Keep ya head up .