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Is it his new job or is it him???


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I have been seeing my guy for a year or so and at first our relationship was absolutely perfect. We were very much in love, had this intense emotional and physical connection and I could open up to him about anything and everything. He was very caring and supportive even through a very complicated time in both of our lives and we always had the best time together. We both have a kid from our previous marriages, his is older and mine is a toddler. I did allow him to be in my daughter's life early on and at first he made an effort and seemed to want to have a relationship with her. Around 3-4 months ago everything dramatically changed when he took a new job. Granted, his schedule became more demanding and he feels more pressure to succeed but since he began this job the effort he put into our relationship has dramatically decreased. After the first few weeks of not really seeing him except for a couple nights a week for few hours I expressed to him that I was concerned. He assured me that he is still completely invested and that he just needs to adjust to his new more demanding schedule but almost 4 months has gone by and things have only gotten worse. After he made no effort at all to see my daughter for three months I told him I feel that I need to take her out of the equation as I don't want her to become attached to someone who is not willing to make time to see her. I personally would take that as a wake up call but things have only gotten worse since then and he puts in almost no effort. I now usually only see him one night a week for a few hours. There have been so many opportunities for him to have made plans with me or to see me but he never seems interested in doing so. A few weeks ago I let him know that I am very unhappy and I feel he is no longer invested or that he is distracted. I even asked him if he was seeing someone else and he just said "of course not, I don't have time for that" and said things were not going well at work and he is depressed about it which is why he has been withdrawn. I asked him if he wanted to take time apart to focus on his career and get in a better head space and he said no. Since then, almost no effort whatsoever aside from texting. Am I an idiot for hanging on? Whenever I do get to see him the spark is still there and he seems to genuinely love me but his actions don't line up. I see a future with him and he is such an amazing person, I don't want to give him up but I am running out of patience. Men, I could really use your insight!

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I'm confused. He got this new job. Now you only see him a few nights per week for a few hours. That still seems like a good deal of time even if it is less then you had been seeing him. Has it decreased from there?

 

If this new job is demanding, he may not have a lot of choices regarding his availability.

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I'm confused. He got this new job. Now you only see him a few nights per week for a few hours. That still seems like a good deal of time even if it is less then you had been seeing him. Has it decreased from there?

 

If this new job is demanding, he may not have a lot of choices regarding his availability.

 

 

Before he got the job we were spending 3-6 days or nights a week together and he was actually making the effort to ask to hang out/make plans. Now we might see each other ONE evening a week for a few hours and I am always the one asking to see him. When I said it's demanding, I meant in comparison to his old job where he basically came and went as he pleased. He now works 10AM to 7PM-8PM at night but we both stay up late every night so in my mind that leaves plenty of opportunity to spend time together. He DOES have a choice in the matter which is why this is so confusing. Why say you miss me and want to see me but never make the effort to do so? If I were seeing him a few nights a week I would be very satisfied with that.

Edited by Jennyless
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I think he wants out but he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He wants you to end it. I could speculate as to why but it would serve no purpose. It's the incremental increase in distance between you and him that makes me think this. First he won't see your child, then he won't see you unless you ask. He's hoping you will quit asking.

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I'm in a similar situation with someone who came on strong and got a new job and swears up and down he's still interested and exclusively seeing me, us upset at the idea that I might want to see others because he's not making time for me, yet..... doesn't change to make time for me. It's like he just wants me on the shelf for when he is ready. Doesn't matter that I'm ready now. Not ok.

 

Many guys compartmentalize but aren't good at balancing between compartments. Maybe he wants you there in your box until he's got a better handle on the job box. Maybe he is just selfish. Maybe he does want out but not to be the bad guy.

 

When actions and words don't match, look at those actions.

Decide if it's good enough for you or not. I discussed it, gave him a chance, saw no change, so said goodbye. I need time together and conversation for a connection which is what I'm dating for. You decide, not him. Don't blame him though if you decide to settle and stay but aren't happy. Good luck.

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