We broke up 3 times, and now considering coming back again.

[suetoppp]

Hi guys I'm Sue and need some advice.

 

Me and my boyfriend have been on an on-off relationship since last year. Our relationship was always very intense and passionate, and would bring the best and the worst in both of us many times.

 

So we were stuck in a cycle of me lashing out at him when I was confused and anxious with something, then my lashing out would trigger feelings of insecurity and fight or flight mode in him, and he would end up running away and breaking up, to then come back.

 

We broke up 3 times in total.

 

Until the last break-up, where it felt final. We didn't talk for over a month after that, and it was VERY difficult. I missed him terribly but accepted that it was for the best, and was relieved to get out of that cycle.

 

I don't know if you guys believe in this, but I went to a psychic who did a cord cutting session between me and him, and removed all ties of negativity between us. I did feel a weight was lifted off my shoulders after that.

 

I also was told that we were mirroring our insecurities back and forth at each other, bringing out stuff and behaviours from decades ago, that we need to let go off.

 

So I did a lot of inner work myself to understand where that lashing out when I don't like something comes from, and it comes from my mom's behaviour, that's how she used to deal with my dad and with me, and I acquired it and was doing the same, despite the fact that is not my real me.

 

So I've done therapy to let go of that behaviour and learn how to communicate properly. I now understand a lot of his running away and pushing me away was due to my behaviour (just like my dad used to run from my mom).

 

So, last week he contacted me, apologizing and saying he misses me too much and still loves me and asked me out. He had a VERY open and honest conversation about everything that happened between us (like we never did before), and talked about our fears, insecurities, etc. We both apologized for our behaviour.

 

I feel I evolved a lot in this time apart and he as well. We talked about getting back together and I told him that I want to change my behaviour but am concerned if he will stop running away and breaking up when he feels anxious. He said he doesn't know but wants things to work between us.

 

So, we have been in touch every day since and I'm deciding what to do. I truly love him and I know he loves me too and we both struggle to be apart, but I don't want to go back to that old dynamic.

 

Should I try to be with him again and make a change on my behaviour that will make him feel more secure with me and not anxious, so he also changes his behaviour?

 

Thank you!

Edited April 28, 2019 by suetoppp

[AGoodFriend]

Hi Sue.

 

First of all I would like to applaud you in taking agency of your recovery and learning how to find your inner peace.

 

It appears you have gone through a lot of pain and worked hard to get to this point.

 

I may be pessimistic so forgive me, but one thing sticks out at me. When you asked him if he was done running from the relationship, he said he was unsure. This screams red flag to me.

 

I am of the mind that he may be looking for sex if things have died up out there for him. How do you feel about that? Would he be willing to wait on the sex for a time while you too work on your relationship.

 

Becuase I would hate to see all your hard work be for naught if you end up in the same situation as before if he decides to run away again.

[preraph]

How about couples counseling. I think whoever told you you were mirroring each other's insecurity is on to something. But just knowing it won't necessarily make it change. In counseling together, you might learn to communicate instead of react.

 

You said brings out the worst, so I just want to add a disclaimer. If your relationship has ever gotten violent, no, you shouldn't keep trying. Otherwise, maybe counseling together.

[suetoppp]

Hi Sue.

 

First of all I would like to applaud you in taking agency of your recovery and learning how to find your inner peace.

 

It appears you have gone through a lot of pain and worked hard to get to this point.

 

I may be pessimistic so forgive me, but one thing sticks out at me. When you asked him if he was done running from the relationship, he said he was unsure. This screams red flag to me.

 

I am of the mind that he may be looking for sex if things have died up out there for him. How do you feel about that? Would he be willing to wait on the sex for a time while you too work on your relationship.

 

Becuase I would hate to see all your hard work be for naught if you end up in the same situation as before if he decides to run away again.

 

Thank you, I thought about all that too.

 

Well first of all all my hard work is for myself, because it improves all my other relationships too, like with friends and family and co-workers. And it will improve with any romantic relationship, either being with him or another man.

 

In this last date we did kiss and make-out in the car afterwards and I felt it would have been so easy to tell him to come over to mine (my house was 5 minutes away), and despite the fact I wanted it, I felt I shouldn't and that I should go back home alone and see how I feel about our date first. So I did.

 

Yes that was a red flag. I would expect him to say something like: "I'm very aware of my behaviourial patterns but I want to change and do different to make things work between us", but he didn't say any of that.

 

He only said he's aware of his behaviour and that he fears going into it again. That doesn't reassure me at all, especially when I said to him I want to change mine.

 

It might be that he is just feeling lonely and wants sex, although he says he loves me. But, a man who truly loves a woman wouldn't push her away and put himself in a position to lose her, right? Even with her behaviour.

 

I have two friends who are married and she is a bit like me, she used to lash out at him sometimes, and his response was just saying to her very calmly: "I don't think we can have a conversation like that, come back when you calm down", and she would acknowledge her behaviour and eventually she stopped with the lashing out because he made her feel secure.

 

This guy doesn't make me feel secure, it only makes me more anxious.

 

I don't know if I can trust him again.

[d0nnivain]

Good for you for working on yourself.

 

Unfortunately I don't think enough time has passed. You are working on not lashing out. You have not yet conquered that part of yourself. Real change takes time; we're talking years not a few weeks. Plus he is your trigger & you are his. You will push each other's buttons are there. You are almost pre-programmed to react badly toward each other.

 

Think about something bad that happened in your relationship, that caused you to lash out. If it happened again how would you handle it to deescalate everything. If you don't know the answer then what is the point of trying again? You will be right back to something that didn't work & caused you pain.

[suetoppp]

How about couples counseling. I think whoever told you you were mirroring each other's insecurity is on to something. But just knowing it won't necessarily make it change. In counseling together, you might learn to communicate instead of react.

 

You said brings out the worst, so I just want to add a disclaimer. If your relationship has ever gotten violent, no, you shouldn't keep trying. Otherwise, maybe counseling together.

 

No it never got violent. It was just my lashing out (no violence though) and him running away and breaking up.

[suetoppp]

Good for you for working on yourself.

 

Unfortunately I don't think enough time has passed. You are working on not lashing out. You have not yet conquered that part of yourself. Real change takes time; we're talking years not a few weeks. Plus he is your trigger & you are his. You will push each other's buttons are there. You are almost pre-programmed to react badly toward each other.

 

Think about something bad that happened in your relationship, that caused you to lash out. If it happened again how would you handle it to deescalate everything. If you don't know the answer then what is the point of trying again? You will be right back to something that didn't work & caused you pain.

 

I don't think changing my behaviour will take years, but yes it takes time agree.

 

Yes we are each other's triggers.

 

If I think about something bad that happened in my relationship, that caused me to lash out, it was when he did things to push me away. And he admitted in our last date that he did certain things to push me away.

 

I felt rejected and anxious and that's why I lashed out. A different way of doing things would have been me asking him in a calm way why he did this or that, instead of jumping into my own conclusions and lashing out without giving him any room to respond in a calm way too.

 

But now I also understand that if he did things on purpose to push me away, I was right when I jump into my conclusions alone.

 

I think if I didn't feel rejected or anxious and didn't feel he was conciously pushing me away, maybe I wouldn't have lashed out in the first place, I would just have had a normal conversation.

[AGoodFriend]

Sue, you did very well for yourself when you resisted the temptation to have sex with him. It not only reinforces what you have done for yourself, but it also sent a message to him: "Not this time around."

 

Basically his behavior is similar to that of drug addicts: when they are dry or sober for a time, you see them coming around. But because they know that as soon as they can go on a binge or get another fix, they will be gone. So for him to say that he doesn't know but he will try, he is basically telling you in so many words that he is not going to try to change. That is until some life event forces that change.

 

Should you try again? Yes. Sex? Not a good idea. He'll be gone again. Trust? Trust but verify.

[d0nnivain]

Between his affirmative steps to push you away & his current statement that he is unsure if he would maintain that pattern, while you may be ready to get back together, he is not all in. You must factor his hesitancy into your decision making.

 

Furthermore, when I asked you to think about an event that caused you to lash out in the past & how you'd do things differently now, instead of changing your reactions you attempted to convince me that you were right then. You do understand that a calmer reaction would have been better but in the heat of the moment, I think that you will go right back to the well worn pattern.

 

This doesn't sound like a good choice for you.

[smackie9]

He ran because you couldn't be defused. From what I see, you just need to stop lashing out, learn to cope and he will stop running away. When you start to feel those feelings come on, walk away, takes some long slow breaths, and count to ten, then go do something for 10 minutes. By that time it will all pass. If you keep doing this, you will retrain your brain to stop those emotions from erupting.

[suetoppp]

Between his affirmative steps to push you away & his current statement that he is unsure if he would maintain that pattern, while you may be ready to get back together, he is not all in. You must factor his hesitancy into your decision making.

 

Furthermore, when I asked you to think about an event that caused you to lash out in the past & how you'd do things differently now, instead of changing your reactions you attempted to convince me that you were right then. You do understand that a calmer reaction would have been better but in the heat of the moment, I think that you will go right back to the well worn pattern.

 

This doesn't sound like a good choice for you.

 

No what I meant is that now I understand why I was lashing out at him. My feelings of rejection and anxiety because he was pushing me away.

 

But yes I would do different now. I would back off, let my emotions calm down, and then when I feel ready I would ask him in a calm way what I needed to ask.

[suetoppp]

He ran because you couldn't be defused. From what I see, you just need to stop lashing out, learn to cope and he will stop running away. When you start to feel those feelings come on, walk away, takes some long slow breaths, and count to ten, then go do something for 10 minutes. By that time it will all pass. If you keep doing this, you will retrain your brain to stop those emotions from erupting.

 

Yes, that's exactly what I am working on.

 

I used to have a tendency to act on those emotions impulsively because it was my triggered behaviour.

 

Now what I do is just going out for a walk, do a guided meditation, anything that takes me from my head to my heart and then talk from that space.

 

Yes probably it will make him change his behaviour too.

[suetoppp]

Sue, you did very well for yourself when you resisted the temptation to have sex with him. It not only reinforces what you have done for yourself, but it also sent a message to him: "Not this time around."

 

Basically his behavior is similar to that of drug addicts: when they are dry or sober for a time, you see them coming around. But because they know that as soon as they can go on a binge or get another fix, they will be gone. So for him to say that he doesn't know but he will try, he is basically telling you in so many words that he is not going to try to change. That is until some life event forces that change.

 

Should you try again? Yes. Sex? Not a good idea. He'll be gone again. Trust? Trust but verify.

 

Well I'm not sure about that. The sex was never the problem, we only had problems because of our disagreements, the pushing away, my lashing out, etc. When none of that happened we were having sex and all was fine.

[kendahke]

feel I evolved a lot in this time apart and he as well. We talked about getting back together and I told him that I want to change my behaviour but am concerned if he will stop running away and breaking up when he feels anxious. He said he doesn't know but wants things to work between us.

Until he does know, this isn't going to work.

 

How invested is he in going to talk to someone to help him break his pattern of behavior? Doesn't sound like he's doing much of anything but giving you false hope because he's lonesome, not because he's resolved the issue that's been driving you two apart continually.

 

I'd keep to my own healing because it's something that will benefit you even if things with this guy don't work out. He's going to work his issues out in a manner that he's comfortable with. That work may not involve/include you, so keep your expectations in check.

 

 

I agree with d0nnivain... If as you say your lashing out stems from issues with your mother, that isn't something that resolves itself in 3 sessions. How long has this last break up lasted? What is the time frame of your on-again/off-again breaks ups? Because if you two were truly compatible instead of dependent upon this relationship, you wouldn't be lashing out at him--you'd be having a conversation that didn't need to escalate to the point where you're breaking up.

 

 

Until he shows some interest in resolving his issues with a professional, you coming to clarity about your behavior isn't going to be enough--he's going to just keep triggering you until you just realize that this relationship isn't in your best interests. It just depends upon how much of your youth you're going to invest behind this.

Edited April 28, 2019 by kendahke

[Gaeta]

. My feelings of rejection and anxiety because he was pushing me away.

 

 

So you lashed at him and you didn't like this responce on your part and you seeked therapy, congrats. That's only half the problem though, you lashed at him because he was *pushing you away*, you cannot go in therapy for him and solve *his* part in the matter. It seems you think having tools to deal with his *pushing you away* will make it right.

 

 

 

A few weeks in therapy is nothing. If you had told us 1 year I would have been more flexible but a few weeks? No, especially you seem to think you can make this relationship better on your own.

[suetoppp]

So you lashed at him and you didn't like this responce on your part and you seeked therapy, congrats. That's only half the problem though, you lashed at him because he was *pushing you away*, you cannot go in therapy for him and solve *his* part in the matter. It seems you think having tools to deal with his *pushing you away* will make it right.

 

 

 

A few weeks in therapy is nothing. If you had told us 1 year I would have been more flexible but a few weeks? No, especially you seem to think you can make this relationship better on your own.

 

No I do not think I can do this relationship better on my own, that's the exact purpose of me posting here for advice.

 

I can only do my part and I know that doing my part will bring good things to the relationship, but only to a certain extent. And it worries me that he doesn't know if he would run away or break up again, and said nothing about going to therapy too or doing something to address it. I'm aware it takes too to tango.

 

At therapy I was told about attachment styles, and I'm anxious type. This guy is an avoidant style, so that's why he runs and breaks up. Anxious-avoidant is the worst kind of relationship and it could only work is BOTH work on it.

 

My therapy is to bring me to a secure attachment style. A person with a secure style can make an avoidant feel more secure, but cannot do the work for two.

[JuneL]

Sue: Can you give us concrete examples of how he was pushing you away that lead to your lashing out at him?

[suetoppp]

Sue: Can you give us concrete examples of how he was pushing you away that lead to your lashing out at him?

 

Some examples:

 

- Him saying suddenly he was having a lot of work to do and could only meet me later in the evening or not meeting at all (felt like it wasn't true because when he needed to do other stuff he would be ready in the early afternoon)

 

- Him inviting me to things but then saying he was going on his own with no explanations (I did really lash out at this one)

 

- Him saying he was too tired for sex (in bed, naked)

[JuneL]

Some examples:

 

- Him saying suddenly he was having a lot of work to do and could only meet me later in the evening or not meeting at all (felt like it wasn't true because when he needed to do other stuff he would be ready in the early afternoon)

 

- Him inviting me to things but then saying he was going on his own with no explanations (I did really lash out at this one)

 

- Him saying he was too tired for sex (in bed, naked)

 

Of the 3, I think the 2nd was more problematic. Did he end up giving you an explanation for why he was going on his own after you confronted him?

[basil67]

Thanks for the examples - I was just about to ask the same question.

 

1. How often were you seeing each other at the stages where he needed to do other things? Did his not being able to meet you mean that you didn't see each other for a week?

 

2. Yes, this is rude

 

3. As someone who always sleeps naked with their partner, I can tell you that we weren't *always* up for sex. Not even when we were young. Completely normal and nothing to get upset over.

[suetoppp]

Of the 3, I think the 2nd was more problematic. Did he end up giving you an explanation for why he was going on his own after you confronted him?

 

No he did not. As I told before, he would withdraw and leave.

[suetoppp]

Thanks for the examples - I was just about to ask the same question.

 

1. How often were you seeing each other at the stages where he needed to do other things? Did his not being able to meet you mean that you didn't see each other for a week?

 

2. Yes, this is rude

 

3. As someone who always sleeps naked with their partner, I can tell you that we weren't *always* up for sex. Not even when we were young. Completely normal and nothing to get upset over.

 

1. It was about 4 months into the relationship, after we had our first big argument. We came back together and had a conversation, but he became distant and started doing that afterwards. I even thought to myself that if he doesn't want to be with me anymore, why did he come back?

 

2. Yes it was.

 

3. Yes of course it is normal, but the way he did it I felt he was doing it on purpose.

[JuneL]

1. It was about 4 months into the relationship, after we had our first big argument. We came back together and had a conversation, but he became distant and started doing that afterwards. I even thought to myself that if he doesn't want to be with me anymore, why did he come back?

 

2. Yes it was.

 

3. Yes of course it is normal, but the way he did it I felt he was doing it on purpose.

 

For the first example, it sounds like he just needed a little space after your heated argument and reconciliation. Do you think it might be the same situation for the 2nd and 3rd examples? Would you be okay if he needs some “man cave” time once in a while?

[suetoppp]

For the first example, it sounds like he just needed a little space after your heated argument and reconciliation. Do you think it might be the same situation for the 2nd and 3rd examples? Would you be okay if he needs some “man cave” time once in a while?

 

Could be and yes it would be totally ok, I need my women cave too as I love to take time on my own as well.

 

But taking time on his own (or going to the men cave) is different than making things on purpose to push me away and him saying that is what worries me.

 

He could just say that ‘I need some time on my own’.

[basil67]

IF the other situations were after an argument, I would say that it's not a Man Cave situation. Rather, it's a completely normal reaction to having just come out of an argument. While some people are quick to anger and also make a quick recovery, others can take many days to move past it.

 

Of course, if the anger issues get under control, he won't need breaks to recover.