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So torn


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 14th April 2019, 10:35 AM   #1
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So torn

Basically my wife and I had a lot of problems last year culminating in us separating in October, her choice not mine. I did the whole giving her space and time to try work things out it didnít work. I then pleaded and begged for a chance to try and work it out but still nothing back from her, ended up buying another house whilst she stays in the marital home with the kids etc.
About 2 months ago I met someone else who absolutely adores me and talks about a future together etc
As it was starting to get serious out of respect I told my wife, she broke down in tears on the phone saying she was heartbroken etc, we ended up meeting up and talking where she told me she was jealous, still loved me etc etc and we ended up sleeping together a couple of times which we both agreed was great and like the good days we had. I thought this meant weíd be trying again but she is very non commital and tells me she needs timeand space to decide if itís what she wants and can get past the issues we had. I just donít understand it, weíve been married nearly 6 years and together for 16 years. Iím now torn on what to do as the last 6 months have been the worst of my life and I just want to try and move on together and be happy. Why does it feel like she is just stringing me along? Iím very much an all or nothing type of person. Why wonít she commit to saving our marriage? What do I do? I really want to make a go of our marriage but I donít know how much longer I can take being left hanging
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Old 14th April 2019, 10:54 AM   #2
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She wants to go but is afraid and she is keeping you as a safety net. Tell her it is past time for her decision.
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Old 15th April 2019, 8:29 AM   #3
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She wants to go but is afraid and she is keeping you as a safety net. Tell her it is past time for her decision.
See I donít think she does want to go, she clearly deep down wants to try but due to issues in the past sheís being very guarded and non commital but the more she is like that the new Iím now starting to feel anxious and tel her I love her and want to make it work which in turn makes her pull back, we are on a vicious circle. I truly love my wife and want to make it work but not sure how much I can take this being in limbo. She keeps saying we are not together and wonít commit to anything. Itís totally messing with my head
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Old 15th April 2019, 11:02 AM   #4
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Knowing you have someone else triggered jealous and possessive feelings, but apparently not enough to make her commit to working on your relationship.

I would say 6 months apart should be plenty for her to choose to be with you. It's up to you to decide what you are going to do about it, no one else can tell you what you should do about your marriage.

As for the other woman, it's not fair to string her along if you still love your wife and you know the other woman is thinking about a future with you. Be honest with her. You say she adores you but don't say anything about how you feel about her. Don't use her to ease your pain when you know she has real feelings for you.
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Old 15th April 2019, 1:33 PM   #5
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Knowing you have someone else triggered jealous and possessive feelings, but apparently not enough to make her commit to working on your relationship.

I would say 6 months apart should be plenty for her to choose to be with you. It's up to you to decide what you are going to do about it, no one else can tell you what you should do about your marriage.

As for the other woman, it's not fair to string her along if you still love your wife and you know the other woman is thinking about a future with you. Be honest with her. You say she adores you but don't say anything about how you feel about her. Don't use her to ease your pain when you know she has real feelings for you.
See that’s what I think but she says she can’t put a time limit on anything and is trying to figure out if she wants to try as when she looks at my all she sees is hurt, we have had a lot of issues in the past with me being a bit controlling and have said some truly horrible things to her in the heat of arguments so I do on one hamdunderstand her reluctance bit I am in therapy for my negative behaviours and feel a real difference in myself but she just keeps saying she needs to see change but I don’t know how I can show this when we are not together and like you say it’s been 6 months so I don’t know how much time she needs.

As for the other woman when I thought my marriage was over I was really starting to develop feelings for her but then as soon as my wife did what she did it made me doubt them and realise how much I still love my wife, the other woman is so kind, loving and considerate but I just can’t get past the fact she’s not my wife. I have been totally honest with her and she was hurt but very understanding even saying she will give me space until I know what I truly want. I want my wife but she won’t commit and it’s driving me to distraction.
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Old 15th April 2019, 3:10 PM   #6
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Why does it feel like she is just stringing me along?
Because...she is just stringing you along!
(I know that's not what you want to hear, and perhaps your 'inner person' is going to want to come up with a different argument, but that also starts with the sentence you used earlier:
"See I donít think she does want to go, she clearly deep down wants to try but..." -- and then it's going to make up another excuse on her behalf, based on unsubstantiated assumptions.)

You've been having problems that you weren't able to resolve in over a year, and, in over six months (since October) she hasn't shown a single iota of interest or desire to get back with you
or even to try to fix the problems and reconcile so that getting back might even be possible. This needs to be the eye-opener (and heart-closer) that you need against your former wife.

Her pride has taken a beating, is all. Perhaps she fancied herself as being the only one who you could ever love or with whom you could ever be in a happy, solid, loving relationship.
Jealousy isn't a substitute for love, or for actually wanting to be with someone, or for actually caring about what happens to them and whether they're happy or miserable in life.
Look at her actions or how she's treated you over the past couple of years...and then make a positive decision and choice for your own self.

I know that it does suck, there's no doubt about that...but there's also no need to draw it out any longer than it has to be.
Wishing you strength, and all the best.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:49 PM   #7
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What were the issues that caused you to separate in the first place?
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Old 16th April 2019, 9:04 AM   #8
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What were the issues that caused you to separate in the first place?
Weíve had quite a lot of issues over the past while, it all really started when she lost her younger sister and her relationship with her parents soured at that point. She became very emotionally distant, didnít want a lot of intemacy with me. I have to take the lions share of the blame though as when we argued Iíd get so angry and would say things to deliberately hurt her because I was feeling hurt or rejected. I donít mean the things I say but purely do it to get a reaction but she takes them literally and to heart. Also my relationship with our oldest child is very strained which hasnít helped things either. I totally love my wife and would do anything at all to fix things with her. I am in therapy to try and deal with my anger and anxiety but she just wonít commit. We talk every day and see each other most days too. Iím just so confused
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Old 24th May 2019, 5:30 PM   #9
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Was she sleeping with other men during your separation?
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Old 24th May 2019, 6:04 PM   #10
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Lostwithouther1980 wrote; "Weíve had quite a lot of issues over the past while... I have to take the lions share of the blame though as when we argued Iíd get so angry and would say things to deliberately hurt her because I was feeling hurt or rejected. I donít mean the things I say but purely do it to get a reaction but she takes them literally and to heart. Also my relationship with our oldest child is very strained which hasnít helped things either.

She can't trust you not to become that angry horrible person you became when she lost her sister and no doubt was going through one of the worst times in her life...
She needed you, and you, peeved with the loss of intimacy, lashed out at her.
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Old 27th May 2019, 9:35 AM   #11
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I wouldn't put too much stock into the sex you had. Breakup/makeup sex can for many couples be better then the routine sex they would have otherwise had.

You said you're going to therapy. Would she be open to doing marriage counseling with you?
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Old 27th May 2019, 10:58 AM   #12
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It's one sided. While you want to work on it, she doesn't. Sad as it is, that should say it all. You can't move forward until you've let her go.
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Old 11th June 2019, 12:20 AM   #13
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Sorry to hear of your troubles.

May I ask what was your relationship like at the beginning?

The good old days, what were they like?

What has changed do you think?
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