Just met her again after five years

[VII]

Hi Everyone,

 

This seems like a good place for answers...

 

I'd really be happy for some input, I have noone else to ask.

 

I'll boil down, what is really a very long and traumatic story, to it's essentials.

 

Five years ago, while traveling, I met a girl from another country. We fell in love and tried to keep the relationship going while living in different countries far apart. We wanted to live together and for about nine painful months we visited each other as often as we could while promising each other not to give up.

 

For reasons that are unclear to me one day we broke up. It wasn't her nor me, we just did it. We killed it, burned the bridges and never contacted each other again.

 

After that I thought about her every single day, wondering if she did too. No matter how many new girls I dated I couldn't get her of my mind.

 

Last year we accidently ended up in a chat with eachother. We were both surprised and excited to talk again. While talking it turned out she had never been able to let me go either. She was in a relationship since 3 years back but very much wanted to see me and described a possible meeting as "something out of this world". She asked for forgiveness and said "we have to look for the future". We kept chatting sporadicaly for six months when she suddenly starts being short and dismissive.

 

Now, one month ago I was visiting a common friend living in the same city as her. It soon turned out she lived on the same street and when she heard I was there she contacted me and asked if we could meet up. After five years of waiting we met again. We walked around in the night for five hours talking before she had to return to her boyfriend. We didn't talk about our old relationship but she explained that her boyfriend knew about me, that there had been a lot of fights about me, that he had forbidden her to talk to me and that's why she went dismissive the year before. Before she leaves we hug. And we HUG. We can't let go. For ten minutes we hold each other as tight as we can, stroking, squizing, moaning, laughing.

 

The next day I have to go back home and she wants to say goodbye. We had planned to meet earlier in the day but her boyfriend has found out I'm there, they've had a fight about me and he's trying to keep her away from me. Finally late in the night she, under the disguise of taking the dogs for a walk, meet me up for a few minutes. There's nothing to say or do. We hug. We press our faces again each others without kissing and we stand there. She wants us to see each other again. She leaves and I fly home.

 

For some reason my friend there tried to convince me that she doesn't have feelings for me, that's she's just being friendly and that I should move on.

 

This is where we're at now. This was one month ago and we haven't spoken since then. I feel unsure about her feelings and I have no idea what to do now. I don't want to chase her and look needy while at the same time I want to take some action while the iron is hot. I try to occupy myself with other girls but she's on my mind 24/7.

 

Practically she's somewhat bound to their shared apartment because of her dogs. Last time around I was broke so we didn't have the resources to get together, but now I do. Or well, in 12 months I'd really be able to. So either way, things will take time.

 

What would you do?

Edited April 10, 2019 by VII

[preraph]

The reality is you still have only been around each other once, and it was very dramatic because she's out there cheating on the bf and a lot of high drama. You still don't really know each other, though now you know she will sneak out on her boyfriend, and what she'll do to him, she'll do to you.

 

Practically speaking, you'd need a lot more visits, and hopefully a prolonged one, like a month visit when she's NOT keeping a boyfriend to see if you truly get along or not. She has told you she feels more like a friend and it's not like you did a bunch of making out, so I'm thinking she's not really that attracted to you but that as she says, she likes you as a friend. So I don't think this is worth changing your life about. It takes a lot of nerve for a woman to come out and say "I only like you as a friend" and she has no motive for doing it if it's not true. She'd be looking for a way out of her relationship right now if she had had a strong physical attraction to you and be wanting you to move there.

[healing light]

I believe your connection with this woman, but I also think she's been unfair to both you that night and her boyfriend. She needs to mature enough to end things with him before you guys can properly reconnect. Unfortunately, I think your hands are tied in this because she's not single.

[Marc878]

Her BF has got the dibs not you.

 

That's what I see in her actions.

 

Unless that changes you have nothing

[VII]

The reality is you still have only been around each other once, and it was very dramatic because she's out there cheating on the bf and a lot of high drama. You still don't really know each other, though now you know she will sneak out on her boyfriend, and what she'll do to him, she'll do to you.

 

Practically speaking, you'd need a lot more visits, and hopefully a prolonged one, like a month visit when she's NOT keeping a boyfriend to see if you truly get along or not. She has told you she feels more like a friend and it's not like you did a bunch of making out, so I'm thinking she's not really that attracted to you but that as she says, she likes you as a friend. So I don't think this is worth changing your life about. It takes a lot of nerve for a woman to come out and say "I only like you as a friend" and she has no motive for doing it if it's not true. She'd be looking for a way out of her relationship right now if she had had a strong physical attraction to you and be wanting you to move there.

 

Hi Preraph! The friend I stayed with, a male friend, said so. Not her.

 

But you're very right, we need more meetings!

[VII]

I believe your connection with this woman, but I also think she's been unfair to both you that night and her boyfriend. She needs to mature enough to end things with him before you guys can properly reconnect. Unfortunately, I think your hands are tied in this because she's not single.

 

Hi Healing light,

 

that is exactly how I see it.

 

During the meeting she was hinting that she's not happy with him and don't see a future with him, but at the same time I know she would feel a lot of guilt if she wasn't loyal to him.

 

Last time, five years ago, the situation was similar. She had a boyfriend with whom she broke up with to be with me, but in the end she was tormented with guilt for it (his suicide attempts didn't help..). For that reason I don't think she can easily do so again and I don't want her to go through something that painful. Instead she would need a reason to break up with him - that is not me. Like his jealousy...

 

I'm thinking... maybe I should try to see her again on a friendly basis to strengthen our relationship while triggering his jealousy until it's unbareable.

Edited April 11, 2019 by VII

[VII]

Her BF has got the dibs not you.

 

That's what I see in her actions.

 

Unless that changes you have nothing

 

Heya!

 

You're right, those dibs has to go!

[Inspire]

Even though she may be unhappy with him, they're still together and you should be respectful of that. In this case, his jealousy is not unfounded. She is having an emotional affair with you. Rhetorically speaking, Should he be encouraging her to see you? How would you feel?

 

Let it go ...

[john9999]

Hi Everyone,

 

This seems like a good place for answers...

 

I'd really be happy for some input, I have noone else to ask.

 

I'll boil down, what is really a very long and traumatic story, to it's essentials.

 

Five years ago, while traveling, I met a girl from another country. We fell in love and tried to keep the relationship going while living in different countries far apart. We wanted to live together and for about nine painful months we visited each other as often as we could while promising each other not to give up.

 

For reasons that are unclear to me one day we broke up. It wasn't her nor me, we just did it. We killed it, burned the bridges and never contacted each other again.

 

After that I thought about her every single day, wondering if she did too. No matter how many new girls I dated I couldn't get her of my mind.

 

Last year we accidently ended up in a chat with eachother. We were both surprised and excited to talk again. While talking it turned out she had never been able to let me go either. She was in a relationship since 3 years back but very much wanted to see me and described a possible meeting as "something out of this world". She asked for forgiveness and said "we have to look for the future". We kept chatting sporadicaly for six months when she suddenly starts being short and dismissive.

 

Now, one month ago I was visiting a common friend living in the same city as her. It soon turned out she lived on the same street and when she heard I was there she contacted me and asked if we could meet up. After five years of waiting we met again. We walked around in the night for five hours talking before she had to return to her boyfriend. We didn't talk about our old relationship but she explained that her boyfriend knew about me, that there had been a lot of fights about me, that he had forbidden her to talk to me and that's why she went dismissive the year before. Before she leaves we hug. And we HUG. We can't let go. For ten minutes we hold each other as tight as we can, stroking, squizing, moaning, laughing.

 

The next day I have to go back home and she wants to say goodbye. We had planned to meet earlier in the day but her boyfriend has found out I'm there, they've had a fight about me and he's trying to keep her away from me. Finally late in the night she, under the disguise of taking the dogs for a walk, meet me up for a few minutes. There's nothing to say or do. We hug. We press our faces again each others without kissing and we stand there. She wants us to see each other again. She leaves and I fly home.

 

For some reason my friend there tried to convince me that she doesn't have feelings for me, that's she's just being friendly and that I should move on.

 

This is where we're at now. This was one month ago and we haven't spoken since then. I feel unsure about her feelings and I have no idea what to do now. I don't want to chase her and look needy while at the same time I want to take some action while the iron is hot. I try to occupy myself with other girls but she's on my mind 24/7.

 

Practically she's somewhat bound to their shared apartment because of her dogs. Last time around I was broke so we didn't have the resources to get together, but now I do. Or well, in 12 months I'd really be able to. So either way, things will take time.

 

What would you do?

 

I would chase her down, hard. She’s supposed to be with you

She wants you to fight for her. So do it.

[chillii]

Tell her if she's unhappy to get out of what she's in and be single 6 or 12 mths, And then if you really do have something she can wait, clear her head and heart first and you can try reconnecting then.

You need to know if she's for real now or just trying to line up the next one to hold her hand while she gets out of her thing which is very very common in women.

lf your real she won't have any trouble being alone for awhile and clearing herself up and waiting.

But l'll just about guarantee she won't be able to do it but eh if she can , the time will be right and you can be more sure of her, do something with it and see where it goes then..

But then your no different seeing other girls straight after seeing her last time anyway so l'd be wondering how really real this thing with her is for you also.

Edited May 24, 2019 by chillii

[The Outlaw]

Either way you slice it, she's with somebody and not only is he keeping her from seeing you, but he also sounds possessive and controlling, making it not only a delicate situation for her, but for you as well. Back off for the time being. And if she's yours, she'll come back to you.

[47Knucklehead]

She's a cheater. Why would you want her?

[VII]

Tell her if she's unhappy to get out of what she's in and be single 6 or 12 mths, And then if you really do have something she can wait, clear her head and heart first and you can try reconnecting then.

You need to know if she's for real now or just trying to line up the next one to hold her hand while she gets out of her thing which is very very common in women.

lf your real she won't have any trouble being alone for awhile and clearing herself up and waiting.

But l'll just about guarantee she won't be able to do it but eh if she can , the time will be right and you can be more sure of her, do something with it and see where it goes then..

But then your no different seeing other girls straight after seeing her last time anyway so l'd be wondering how really real this thing with her is for you also.

 

Thank you chilli! I wish I had read this five years back. A month or two before it fell apart she said she needed time alone (while terrified she would lose me). I assumed she was breaking up because it was the same excuse she had given to her ex. But it was true.

[VII]

Either way you slice it, she's with somebody and not only is he keeping her from seeing you, but he also sounds possessive and controlling, making it not only a delicate situation for her, but for you as well. Back off for the time being. And if she's yours, she'll come back to you.

 

Right on Outlaw! One of the nights when I was visiting her now recently she and one of her friends was making jokes about how jealous, controlling and hot tempered he is and that he sees me as a threat. I said "But I'm no threat, I live on a continent waaaaay over there". "Oh no! You're a threat to him!" they said and laughed.

[VII]

She's a cheater. Why would you want her?

 

Hey! For all I know, I'm the exception, right?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I agree with knucklehead. She's cheating on her bf by seeing you. Why would you want to be with someone like that?

[VII]

A few weeks ago she sent me something on instagram but deleted it before I could read it ( a few days later). I sent her a question mark back but she never replied. No idea what that was about! We never contact each other.

Edited June 6, 2019 by VII

[VII]

I would chase her down, hard. She’s supposed to be with you

She wants you to fight for her. So do it.

 

Yeah?

[VII]

Double post

[VII]

Ok so something is happening..

 

WhatsApp, me: Hi XXXX. Are you guys going to XXXX this year? Me and XXXX are planning to go.

She: Hey XXXX. I think maybe, yeah. Did u get tickets already?

Me: No, I read you can still get them on some forum. Do u know?

She: No but I can try and find out.

...

Me: Allright I got our tickets! You can get yours here: XXXXX

She: ????????????

 

 

(That missing emoji is the party-emoji)