Don't Know If We Should Get Back Together, Afraid I Am A Rebound...

[Ladiixmk]

Hey Everyone! SO sorry this is long but I am suffering here...

I met this guy about 2 years ago. I'm 25 and he's 32. We both live in different states.

 

Before we became exclusive, things went from going really well to not well pretty fast. In August, 3 months into us dating, he confessed to me that he was currently in a long-distance relationship with another woman for 7 years. However the woman had been pushing him to get married and that’s when he realized he wasn’t into her as much as he thought. And then I came along. He said he preferred to be with me since we have more in common and I make him feel happy. I told him off the bat that I didn't like being a choice and he had to choose between her or I. A day later, he said he chose me. HOWEVER, down the road - and I didn't know this - but he broke up with her in October. Then we officially became a couple in December.

 

So then we started dating, and things were going pretty well, but I didn't feel right at all about the situation. I visited him on Memorial Day Weekend and while drunk he told me that he feels a strong sense of guilt about breaking up with his ex. Even told me that sometimes when he’s happy with me, he feels guilty. The next day when he was sober we talked about it more. I asked him if he still has feelings for her. He hesitated and said no, then IDK, then said he still does in the form that he hurt his friend. A day later I broke up with him.

 

Between June and October, things were a bit rocky. We still ended up talking to each other, and he said that he wanted to try getting back with each other. But this time around, I still had my guard up. During this period, he kept picking fights with me over little things and was stressing me out. I tried to have multiple conversations with him so that we can work through our issues. Next thing you know, early October, we have a talk. He starts making up excuses to break up with me, saying stuff like "we're in two different stages in life" and stuff, but when I prove him wrong he says I'm right. Then - he lashes out on me, and says that his guilt is taking over him and as a result, he cannot continue on with the relationship. I told him to never talk to me again.

 

So two months pass by. He texts me. Says, once again, he wants to have a shot at, well, getting back in a relationship. He also apologized for everything he put me through, and also - more importantly - that he's a "changed man". He has sought counseling and he feels 100% better. He also finally got in contact with his ex and received closure. I told him that I'm really hesitant about getting back together with him, and we can try to patch things up. And in the past 4 months, things were actually going pretty well! He bought a lot of stuff for me on Valentines' Day. He also planned a trip to come up and see me. Even helped me get the new job I am enrolled in now. I did notice a HUGE change in him, and he did seem more happy. But then.... this past weekend happened.

 

I'm going on a trip to Japan in September. His ex used to live in Japan. I told him about the trip, 1. not really thinking about his ex 2. with the assumption that he was completely healed. He has been giving me advice and stuff, BUT then this weekend, very randomly, he says "and if I were to go on the trip to Japan with you, I would love to show you around, however I don't think I can go back because visiting the country would 'make me sad'". This automatically brought up a huge red flag in my mind!!!

I asked him if he was fully healed from that relationship - because that is what I assumed from the talk in December. He said no, not at all, he only feels about 85% healed. Then goes on to say the sameeee thing - "you don't understand what we went through" "I spent most of my adulthood with that girl and the fact that I broke her heart when she did nothing to me hurts me so much!" etc etc. OH and here comes the best part - he then finally confesses that they were actually engaged. And he called off the marriage because he punked out due to financial and maturity reasons. He says he wants to move on- and he wants to do it with me. But he'll feel bad if he lost out on a relationship with me due to his guilt. He SWEARS I'm not a rebound - says if I was a rebound he wouldn't have returned. Also says he doesn't even think about his ex anymore. BUT what concerns me the most - I asked him if he could go back in time the way he is now - more mature and a new job - would he have gotten married. And he said yes - even scolded me for asking that question due to the guilt he feels...

Then he started to even guilt trip me??? Saying that he has done all of these nice things for me, and he doesn't understand why I always have to put him down like this.

 

I... don't like any of this of course. Because 1. He freakin comes out of nowhere with bombshells all of the time and hasn't been open and honest from the beginning 2. I'm afraid that if his ex were to ever come back for any reason, he would drop me...The only thing that's holding me back is that we get along really well and we can talk for hours about everything. The chemistry is great between us.

 

I need advice.

Edited March 20, 2019 by angelsface200

[d0nnivain]

Between the distance & the trickle truth, where is the upside here for you?

 

I think you need to make one of those pros & cons lists to see where this comes out.

[Ladiixmk]

Thanks, I did just that and it's still pretty hard to decide. However I don't think I can continue, just based off the fact that it seems like I have trust issues .

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not trust this guy as far as I could throw him, rendering a relationship impossible.

 

He is not honest. He says whatever he thinks sounds good, and only later reveals the truth. He is self-serving and, yes, very immature.

 

I would dump him for good. He is not boyfriend material at all.