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just friends with ex?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:05 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post

What one poster said about them wanting the validation or something that wasn't the case at all. We had been friends and that worked. Being lovers didn't work. I lost a whole friend because him wanting to be lovers didn't work. I felt cheated, honestly.
If your reference is me, you should read all the post.

At any rate it does seem to be the case with her.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:08 PM   #17
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I don't think its resentment, I believe men simply aren't interested in having female friends on the level that women are. I know many men who have dumped women and the women wanted to come back and be friends. They would have no reason to be resentful.

OP, I think it's best you cut her off completely. No texts no nothing. Once you no longer have feelings for her then you can revisit. I suspect by then you wont want to be friends.
I think it can be either. In my case, I know it was resentment. He did his best after he remarried to find someone just a whole lot like me to befriend on the side and help him with his music like I did. She even came up to me first time I saw her and said, "I'm the new you." Actually, it's in my journal that he told me we should "try to be friends" during a lunch we had, but by the end of the lunch, all his resentment had blown up and he was asking for more.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:18 PM   #18
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so am I in the wrong for pursuing the friendship if in my heart I'm hoping it changes her feelings towards me or am I better just accepting this and backing off.
No, you are not "in the wrong"...but you are deluding yourself. It's not "wrong", but it's totally wrong for you to be doing that to yourself. (If that makes sense?)

For me, I was able to be just platonic friends with my now-ex...took him for meals, golfed together, even did some family get-togethers together;
had all kinds of fun together doing all kinds of fun stuff together. But, I was only able to do that with him because, for me, we were totally 'done and dusted'.

If you're still emotionally attached and invested, and only being with her with the hope of somehow getting her to change her mind and heart about you, then you're only setting up yourself for hurt.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:32 PM   #19
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Question is would you continue to engage with an ex that you know is still in love with you and wants a relationship if you only want to be friends? I believe that is creating some confusion with OP.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:42 PM   #20
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Question is would you continue to engage with an ex that you know is still in love with you and wants a relationship if you only want to be friends? I believe that is creating some confusion with OP.
This is why he doesn't need to do it until he is also dating other women. Like in my circumstance, that guy had options and I had options. I think once both people are able to date others, it's kind of childish not to be able to be friends. Maybe not as much time together, but friends, once you were primarily friends before.

But no, I don't think he ought to put himself through it unless he has the common sense and self-discipline to accept that's all it is and the ability to move on and enjoy dating others. And at that point, you have to make sure your old relationship doesn't run off your new relationship and have boundaries.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:44 PM   #21
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would you continue to engage with an ex that you know is still in love with you and wants a relationship if you only want to be friends?
Hhmmm...I think I would, yes; but also would be quite conscious of making sure that he knows where I stand.
(If he knows the score, then he has his own free will to still keep engaging, or to stop. His free will decisions and choices are not on me.)
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Old 2nd March 2019, 11:05 PM   #22
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OP, I'm thinking that you may not want to stick around too long. I tried to remain friends with some of my exGFs (college age) but once they had a new BF, well that was too much for me. Maybe you're more emotionally mature than I was - you sound like you're at least mid-20's, but I suspect you still may want to be out of there before that happens.

Maybe it'd be ok if you find a new GF first, but it sounds like you're really still emotionally attached to her. So that would interfere + your new GF might not WANT you being too good friends with your ex.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 1:02 AM   #23
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I think your fears are justified. I kinda go with the idea that you can't really help falling in love with someone, but from there, loving someone can be a daily choice. To me, it sounds like she chose to stopping loving you in the romantic sense. So while she might still care deeply for you, those romantic feelings are gone.

She likely still enjoys your company, but for most people, once they lose those romantic feelings toward someone, it's gone and not something they can just try to bring back.
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