LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Second Chances

just friends with ex?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

Like Tree3Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 2nd March 2019, 6:05 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5,354
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post

What one poster said about them wanting the validation or something that wasn't the case at all. We had been friends and that worked. Being lovers didn't work. I lost a whole friend because him wanting to be lovers didn't work. I felt cheated, honestly.
If your reference is me, you should read all the post.

At any rate it does seem to be the case with her.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2019, 6:08 PM   #17
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 24,933
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
I don't think its resentment, I believe men simply aren't interested in having female friends on the level that women are. I know many men who have dumped women and the women wanted to come back and be friends. They would have no reason to be resentful.

OP, I think it's best you cut her off completely. No texts no nothing. Once you no longer have feelings for her then you can revisit. I suspect by then you wont want to be friends.
I think it can be either. In my case, I know it was resentment. He did his best after he remarried to find someone just a whole lot like me to befriend on the side and help him with his music like I did. She even came up to me first time I saw her and said, "I'm the new you." Actually, it's in my journal that he told me we should "try to be friends" during a lunch we had, but by the end of the lunch, all his resentment had blown up and he was asking for more.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2019, 6:18 PM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 7,123
Quote:
Originally Posted by SpideyReign View Post
so am I in the wrong for pursuing the friendship if in my heart I'm hoping it changes her feelings towards me or am I better just accepting this and backing off.
No, you are not "in the wrong"...but you are deluding yourself. It's not "wrong", but it's totally wrong for you to be doing that to yourself. (If that makes sense?)

For me, I was able to be just platonic friends with my now-ex...took him for meals, golfed together, even did some family get-togethers together;
had all kinds of fun together doing all kinds of fun stuff together. But, I was only able to do that with him because, for me, we were totally 'done and dusted'.

If you're still emotionally attached and invested, and only being with her with the hope of somehow getting her to change her mind and heart about you, then you're only setting up yourself for hurt.
__________________
"Good or benign intentions do not provide a defence." ~ Tony Wong, Reporter
Ronni_W is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2019, 6:32 PM   #19
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5,354
Question is would you continue to engage with an ex that you know is still in love with you and wants a relationship if you only want to be friends? I believe that is creating some confusion with OP.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2019, 6:42 PM   #20
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 24,933
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Question is would you continue to engage with an ex that you know is still in love with you and wants a relationship if you only want to be friends? I believe that is creating some confusion with OP.
This is why he doesn't need to do it until he is also dating other women. Like in my circumstance, that guy had options and I had options. I think once both people are able to date others, it's kind of childish not to be able to be friends. Maybe not as much time together, but friends, once you were primarily friends before.

But no, I don't think he ought to put himself through it unless he has the common sense and self-discipline to accept that's all it is and the ability to move on and enjoy dating others. And at that point, you have to make sure your old relationship doesn't run off your new relationship and have boundaries.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2019, 6:44 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 7,123
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
would you continue to engage with an ex that you know is still in love with you and wants a relationship if you only want to be friends?
Hhmmm...I think I would, yes; but also would be quite conscious of making sure that he knows where I stand.
(If he knows the score, then he has his own free will to still keep engaging, or to stop. His free will decisions and choices are not on me.)
Ronni_W is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2019, 11:05 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 777
OP, I'm thinking that you may not want to stick around too long. I tried to remain friends with some of my exGFs (college age) but once they had a new BF, well that was too much for me. Maybe you're more emotionally mature than I was - you sound like you're at least mid-20's, but I suspect you still may want to be out of there before that happens.

Maybe it'd be ok if you find a new GF first, but it sounds like you're really still emotionally attached to her. So that would interfere + your new GF might not WANT you being too good friends with your ex.
mark clemson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2019, 1:02 AM   #23
Established Member
 
Blanco's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,035
I think your fears are justified. I kinda go with the idea that you can't really help falling in love with someone, but from there, loving someone can be a daily choice. To me, it sounds like she chose to stopping loving you in the romantic sense. So while she might still care deeply for you, those romantic feelings are gone.

She likely still enjoys your company, but for most people, once they lose those romantic feelings toward someone, it's gone and not something they can just try to bring back.
Blanco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th March 2019, 10:59 PM   #24
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 6
Dear lord OP, why are you doing this to yourself? Your being weak and needy by being her friend when lovers is what you want. You’re not standing up for yourself as a man and what you want in life. Of course she’s going through keep you in friend zone. You haven’t drawn the line in the sand and said you’re only interested in being lovers and if friends is all she wants then you’re going to move on with your life. All because you love her and are afraid to lose her for forever. Well you’re going to once she gets a new bf or gets married. You might get a birthday text, or invited to their wedding, and can go eat dinner with them and your new girl. If that’s what you want and she means that much to you then go for it. It’s all about what you want with her and for your life. My brother still does that with his first real gf from college. To each their own. It sounds terrible to me. I can’t stand the thought of my current ex with her new guy less than 2 months after breaking up with me. No time will pass where I no longer have feelings and would love to meet him or anything.

I say this sort of in the same boat. I’m broken up for 2 months now with my gf of 14 months. She gave up hope that I would ever marry her bc my parents didn’t like her and she couldn’t come around and ultimately I guess I didn’t make her feel safe and comfortable in this relationship. Real issue is that I lived with them way past the age of living with parents acceptable and went by their rules. If we lived in another state that would never be an issue.

So I’m getting my own place asap. And staying silent until her emotions clear out, and hopefully she sees the new me and life where there’s a comfortable future. She has a few exes that still text her trying to be friends (trying to date again). They all end up frustrated for 2 years longer than they should bc they agree to be her friend hoping that she will come back. It’s all for her benefit and an ego boost knowing her former lovers that she cared about still love her and that she can still talk to them if she wants. She gets everything and they get nothing that they really want.

I was friends with my ex for an entire year before dating. Easiest relationship between just us I ever had. Outside factors screwed it up. However, one thing I will not do is agree to be her friend or text her for emotional support. All that awaits me is to be dropped like I barely existed minus a birthday text once she gets established with a serious bf. I love her too much and have too much respect for myself to accept those terms. I’m prepared to lose her for forever and it sucks. It’s never what I wanted either. I would have been friends for life if we never became lovers, but I guess that’s the risk you take. She would absolutely make a wonderful friend as she’s giving, we vibe great, have the same interests, have fun, never fight or argue. Everything a guy is looking for in their friends and lovers, but I want lovers. All or nothing.

I hope you do the same and draw the line in the sand. We’ll either get them back if the idea of losing us for forever is something that they can’t live with and if there’s any bf/gf love left, or we lose them for forever and meet somebody else to enjoy our time with. I’m sure yours is very special to you as is mine. But life is too short to torment yourself wasting months and years hoping being her friend will somehow make it happen again. Draw that line man. Better to know now than another year from now

Last edited by Imnew1; 20th March 2019 at 11:12 PM..
Imnew1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st March 2019, 9:12 PM   #25
Established Member
 
darkmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 4,179
"too late" in that phrase, I see melodrama
darkmoon is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Can we be friends? Can we be friends? Can we be friends? nevadagirl Coping 8 24th July 2012 11:24 PM
My Ex is About Without Friends. I Have Lots of Friends, but I Need REAL Friends.. Yuri Kim Friends and Lovers 1 7th September 2004 6:27 PM
Just friends or more than friends white_angelbreath Second Chances 8 13th March 2004 9:13 PM
Can opposite sex friends be just friends Tragedi67 Infidelity 5 18th November 2003 12:32 PM
JUST Friends, or Friends with Benefits? kclay21 Coping 2 2nd November 2003 1:22 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:10 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.