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just friends with ex?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 2nd March 2019, 3:27 PM   #1
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just friends with ex?

Hi, not sure how to start this so i'll apologise first and foremost for the terrible wall of text and grammer,

right so I've been broken up with my ex girlfriend for nearly a year at this point, we have had sporadic to no contact in that time but over the past couple of weeks we have been back in touch.
This has resulted in going out with one another on "dates" such as ice skating, walking each others dogs together she has even been over to my new house and we had food and watched a film together. She has also took me out for a meal in this time but nothing has happened, we still get on and laugh and have fun but she every now and then throws things from the past back in my face and goes out of her way to tell me about the men she has dated and been with since we have broken up..

i know grim!.
I decided I couldn't continue with how I was feeling as I have never stopped wanting to be with this girl so I went to her house and explained how I felt and tried to get across how much I have changed and followed what she had wanted at the point of the breakup, this resulted in a 2 hour conversation during which she cried the entire time and when I asked why she was crying it was due to her saying I have finally become the man that she wanted at the time but the problem is that she cant go back and try it again as she feels that its too late to try again.

obviously I was devastated but it was kinda expected so I called her out on spending so much time with my up to that point and simply said it was just as friends but I honestly felt there was a lot of confusion and mixed signals across the board. I said I couldn't just be friends due to how I felt and left it at that....since then we have continued to talk via whatsapp on a daily basis and she even took me out for another meal and paid for everything then showe3d me round her new house, again nothing happened.

I am supposed to be helping decorate it tomorrow and I think i'mstarting to realise that no matter what I do to try and be the good guy its never going to be enough , any advice or anyone want to confirm my fears...

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Old 2nd March 2019, 4:46 PM   #2
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If she had wanted to be romantic with you again, you telling her you'd changed (if she could believe it -- I wouldn't) would have put her into your arms again. I think she's just lost that romantic feeling toward you and only wants to be friends. Women can do that all day long, you know, without wanting sex ever again.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 4:52 PM   #3
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so am I in the wrong for pursuing the friendship if in my heart I'm hoping it changes her feelings towards me or am I better just accepting this and backing off.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:11 PM   #4
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Accept the "friendship" in the sense that you wish each other well & don't cause drama in each others lives.

But put a lot more distance in here. You are treating her like a GF -- walking dogs, eating meals, talking, watching movies etc. By doing so you give her time you should be spent pursuing other prospects.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:16 PM   #5
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And I totally understand that , but I'm obviously being deluded in that in my head I'm hoping she's warming to the idea of maybes being open to trying again due the frequency of contact but at the same time i'm making myself available at her beck and call as though she is my girlfriend and I sometimes feel as though I'm being used to an extent to boost her ego and alleviate her boredom
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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:21 PM   #6
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so am I in the wrong for pursuing the friendship if in my heart I'm hoping it changes her feelings towards me or am I better just accepting this and backing off.
Yeah, don't do that to yourself. Look it takes a lot to tell someone you're not interested that way anymore and that's why you get a bunch of confusing cockamamie statements of why, because they don't want to say anything hurtful.

I mean, if you want to be very direct with her and ask her, "Are you ever going to feel romantic towards me again," go for it, but in my experience when you back someone into a truth corner, it hurts and you'd rather you didn't.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:24 PM   #7
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well when I asked if we could try again and just see If there's anything there that we could work with she said that she wasn't willing to give it another chance regardless. I understand what she's saying but I think I've just been thrown with the time we have spent together of late clearly I've built a scenario in my head thinking that the time meant it was leading somewhere when realistically its friendship she's offering. I just don't get why after almost a year she wants to go down this route
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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:28 PM   #8
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Some women enjoy friendships with exes because its really difficult for women to cut people completely out of their lives. Some women like keeping exes orbiting because they like having guys around they know are interested in them because it boosts their self esteem. Other do it because they have long term relationship goals but want to experience other men. Which do you believe she is? My guess is the second because she seems to enjoy telling you about other men she is hooking up with. Someone doing the first would value your friendship and would understand how uncomfortable that could be. Someone doing the third wouldn't tell you about other guys because she would fear how it would affect your relationship or your willingness to restart when she is ready.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:32 PM   #9
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I would say you're right with what you say, it hurts when she has mentioned things like that but its not my place to say anything really at the end of the day so I just acknowledge it, from what I can tell based on the things she has said that she has had a bit of a rough time in the dating world of late so I get that she would use a comfortable person to build her ego back up. but then part of me as bad as it sounds hopes that she's come to the realisation that what we had was worth going back to but again if that was the case I'm sure she would of explained that point
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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:44 PM   #10
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At this point she has put you firmly in a little box labeled "friend". The more time you spend with her the more those boundaries are solidified & the less sexy you become in her eyes. You are another one of the girls in her eyes.

Your strategy to spend time with her in the hopes of wooing her back, is having the opposite effect.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:46 PM   #11
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kinda figured that was happening but was so headstrong that I thought if I just kept being nice it would spark something, I guess i'll take a step back and let the chips fall as they may
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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:50 PM   #12
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well when I asked if we could try again and just see If there's anything there that we could work with she said that she wasn't willing to give it another chance regardless. I understand what she's saying but I think I've just been thrown with the time we have spent together of late clearly I've built a scenario in my head thinking that the time meant it was leading somewhere when realistically its friendship she's offering. I just don't get why after almost a year she wants to go down this route
I'm afraid that's right. She's only offering friendship now. It's something women will often do that men will rarely do. They don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but men seem to have too much resentment at them not wanting them sexually anymore to accept it or something. Or maybe they never felt they were friends and don't like her as a friend. I think it's more about resentment. I've had it happen to me. The resentment would bubble up when we did try. I would like to have just pretended the affair never happened and gone back to just friends, which is what we had been for close to 3 years.

What one poster said about them wanting the validation or something that wasn't the case at all. We had been friends and that worked. Being lovers didn't work. I lost a whole friend because him wanting to be lovers didn't work. I felt cheated, honestly.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:54 PM   #13
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well I've already took the day off work to help her decorate and at this point I figure am a lost cause anyways so to say I'm not willing to help is a dick move , I cant fault her for wanting friendship as she is a cool cat but i'll always want more and I get that that's my issue and I would never look to project that on her
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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:59 PM   #14
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I don't think its resentment, I believe men simply aren't interested in having female friends on the level that women are. I know many men who have dumped women and the women wanted to come back and be friends. They would have no reason to be resentful.

OP, I think it's best you cut her off completely. No texts no nothing. Once you no longer have feelings for her then you can revisit. I suspect by then you wont want to be friends.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:05 PM   #15
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well I've already took the day off work to help her decorate and at this point I figure am a lost cause anyways so to say I'm not willing to help is a dick move , I cant fault her for wanting friendship as she is a cool cat but i'll always want more and I get that that's my issue and I would never look to project that on her
Just don't stop dating other women and let her become your main focus because that's just self-defeating. You date others. You never know, the competition might waken something in her, at least temporarily.
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