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I ended an abusive relationship, but...


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 24th February 2019, 2:05 PM   #1
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I ended an abusive relationship, but...

Hi,

I will try and keep this short.

I have recently walked out on my wife and twin 1 year old babies. I have two children from a previous relationship who I took with me and we are currently staying at a friends house. The reason for the post is that my wife is struggling to handle the twins and is asking that I go back as a 'lodger' so that I can help with the babies, bills etc.

The proposal is quite appealing because my 2 children who are now with me go to school in that village, whereas we are currently living 35miles away. I will try my best to explain the situation and abuse and would appreciate some non judgemental advice on what you think I should do. I have no family for support.

I was with my wife for 3 years and in this time she beat me often, lashed out, verbally abusive, jealous, controlling, go into rage and throw things, stabbed me on 5 occasions, raped me and sexually assaulted me (these just being the highlights). We had baby twins and the violence has continued throughout the first year of their life. I returned from work last week, walked in and asked for something back of mine that she had stolen and she attacked me in front of my children. So I called her mum to come round, packed our things and have left.

She messages me all day and demands I see the twins and calls me a bad dad. Now she is due to return to work and is asking that I move back in, help with the twins but that we will lead separate lives but my children will have normality as they are around what they know and friends etc.. my only friend, who I currently live with tells me not to go back. I am tempted because I hate not being a father to the twins but I know if I go back she will be nice at first and try and reconcile.

She tells me she is ill and will go get help, that she things its an hormone imbalance but has beat me since the beginning. I know in my heart she wont change but deep down I miss her (this worries me, not sure of Stockholm syndrome).

So with this information, I am looking for some advice on what you think I should do.

Many thanks
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Old 24th February 2019, 2:58 PM   #2
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So you left your babies with a woman who cant control her rage?
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Old 24th February 2019, 4:00 PM   #3
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Yes. But her issues were only to me. She has another child who is 7 and is good with him, it is all just towards me. With family and friends she acts normal and they would by suspect anything was going on.
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Old 24th February 2019, 5:31 PM   #4
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I doubt very strongly that the rage and abuse would stop if you moved back in as only a "lodger." You know that, too. The likelihood that this arrangement will work is just about zero.

Instead, I think it would be far better for you to start figuring out how to get back on your own two feet, and raise these children as separated parents. Do you work and make enough that you could support yourself and provide child support? Could you provide a loving home for your twins to spend time in, when they're not with Mom? They're babies now, but if you move back, they will be deeply affected by the abuse in the home, which is very likely to continue. It's not right to expose them to this. They would be better-served by enjoying peaceful homes even if it means that Mom and Dad no longer live together.
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Old 24th February 2019, 7:43 PM   #5
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Don't go back. Just pay child support and sort out proper visitation for your twins.

Be firm with your boundaries.

I ask you to google the name Jordan Worth. She was jealous, abusive and controlling towards her BF Alex Skeel and father of her 2 kids. It's chilling and your description of your wife sounds just like her.

She is the first woman in the UK to be jailed for coercive control.
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Old 25th February 2019, 4:22 AM   #6
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To put it bluntly, your wife is completely insane. Nothing will ever change with her. Think about what it takes mentally to do the things she did to you. Could you do that? Most people cringe at the idea of violence but your wife enjoys it and, more importantly, enjoys the power it gives her over you. She knows that being self-effacing at this stage is the only way to drag you back into the relationship but once youíre back, sheíll ramp up the abuse, perhaps even kill you.

Aside from the fact that she belongs in prison and I canít imagine why you didnít report her, you need to be extremely cautious with her and donít underestimate her. Just because youíre not devious and insane doesnít mean she isnít. Crazy people bank on others underestimating them. It gives them a huge edge.
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:44 PM   #7
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Thank you for the replies. I won't be going back and knew it deep down but it reassures me to have people say the same. She is constantly texting and calling, by noon today I had 44 calls and 70 texts. I know she won't stop until she gets me back or I inform the authorities.
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Old 26th February 2019, 6:06 PM   #8
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Good to hear you wonít be going back. Iím curious - why didnít you report her when she did those horrible things to you? Seriously, she belongs in prison.
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