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Shown proof but still not believed


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Old 12th February 2019, 1:09 PM   #1
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Shown proof but still not believed

My boyfriend has said that he saw a message on my phone from a guy on the 1st november on WhatsApp. There is no message on my phone from any random numbers in November which says "hey how are you? Xxx".

Before I met my boyfriend I was on tinder and had met some guys through there, however as soon as I met him, as in first night the app was gone and no one I was speaking to was responded too because I knew we had something and a connection was there.

I did have a message from one guy I had spoken to on tinder 2 years after I'd met my other half saying "hey, how are you? X Not spoken in ages. Hope you are good x" I never responded to the message and I blocked him, I did tell my boyfriend about it and showed him the message. I never even met this guy as he was just a bit odd and not for me. Now my boyfriend says I had a message from this other gin November and I've told him it was an old tinder guy. I haven't! I don't remember ever saying that, yes I told him about August but he doesn't believe me at all, he's saying that I deleted the message. I've gone as far as data recovery on my phone to show ive got no deleted messages and I haven't. I've shown him on 2 different systems to do this but he still don't believe me.

What more can I do? Is he doing this to push me away? Is he just terrified because neither of us has ever felt love this much as we do with the other? Whatever I say he just says he doesn't believe me even though I've shown it. I'm absolutely destroyed, this is ruining me, I hate that he won't believe me but I also hate how he is taking this because it's hurting him so much but I haven't done what he's said I have.
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Old 12th February 2019, 4:24 PM   #2
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So strange as this sounds, you are lucky. Something is off about this guy ... in good relationships, partners trust each other ... and believe each other unless evidence makes clear otherwise.

Assuming you are not fibbing, it's a huge red flag that he can't accept your words and can't read your body language.

Now ... double-read flag ... flaming, hot-wire, nuclear-bomb red flag ... Assuming you're being honest, boyfriend is lying. Flat-out making up stuff to push you away.

Get out ... He's already got you on the defensive ... apologizing and defending yourself when you've done nothing wrong (again, assuming you are telling the truth--which it seems you are!) ....Getting a woman on the defensive over nothing is a time-tested strategy of abusers ...

Typical scenario ... he'll go out and sleep with someone (might have already done this) ... and when you learn about this and object ... he'll say ... but you lied to me (about the message on your phone)... so I don't know why you're upset that I was with someone else. At least I'm telling the truth!

And this becomes the moment of truth. If you give his words any credence, you'll fall into a cycle of putting up with all kinds of abusive treatment.

Sorta like someone accusing you of stealing and then goes and steals from you ... and when caught says ... but you stole from me ... Very twisted ... Let this guy go.
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Old 12th February 2019, 5:40 PM   #3
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This isn't a good sign, OP. You shouldn't need to go to the lengths you have to prove you didn't do something wrong.

You are trying to prove a negative, which is next to impossible. He doesn't want to see that you are being honest, likely because he is trying to wiggle his way out the relationship but blame you for it.

Has he previously showed you this side of himself? How was your relationship up to this point?
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Old 13th February 2019, 9:20 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused8491 View Post
Is he just terrified because neither of us has ever felt love this much as we do with the other? Whatever I say he just says he doesn't believe me even though I've shown it. I'm absolutely destroyed, this is ruining me, I hate that he won't believe me but I also hate how he is taking this because it's hurting him so much but I haven't done what he's said I have.
How long have you dated this guy OP? Has he been cheated on in the past, this that he has “reason” to be so distrustful?

What he is doing to you is not right. This is not love. Don’t romanticize this - “is he terrified because neither of us has ever felt love this much...” Highly doubtful. For some reason, he is triggered by this but it does not excuse his behaviour. His behaviour is controlling and hurtful. That is not acceptable.

If you are destroyed and this is ruining you, that is your cue that something is really wrong here because LOVE DOESNT HURT. If he refuses to trust you and let this go, then you will need to let him go... You can’t live like this. You deserve to be with a man who loves you AND trusts you.
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Old 13th February 2019, 9:24 AM   #5
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What your BF is doing to you is what they call a red flag for bad behavior, it's up to you what you want to do with it..

He isn't going to change and what he is doing is gaslighting and manipulative as well as his trying to control your messages is controlling

Heed the red flag...
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Old 13th February 2019, 11:38 AM   #6
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Without trust there is no real foundation for a relationship.

In your shoes I'd be adamant: I didn't do what you are accusing me of. I can't prove a negative. I'm willing to be transparent & have tried but you have crossed into paranoid. Cut it out or I'm gone.
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Old 15th February 2019, 5:49 PM   #7
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Was he ever cheated on op? Aside from that I can't really figure why he would become so triggered. If he has been cheated on how long ago? It seems you are willing to be an open book with him, he really needs to return the favor by accepting what you tell him. He is very lucky to be with a woman who is willing to go to such lengths for him.
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Old 20th February 2019, 6:01 AM   #8
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I think he's probably refusing to believe OP is innocent not because he actually believe she cheated but because it doesn't fit with his agenda of getting rid of her without feeling like a jerk for dumping her for no "valid" reason.
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Old 20th February 2019, 6:13 AM   #9
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Yes, some people are just done and want out, and "She/he cheated on me", makes them "the victim" as opposed to the person ditching a perfectly good relationship for no good reason...

Dating should be easy, comfortable and fun. Nothing easy, comfortable and fun about this guy, let him go ASAP, before he dents your confidence and you become a shell of your former self.
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