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Not sure how to handle breadcrumbs...


pupperonijones

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pupperonijones

6.5 months ago I (29) met a guy (27) through mutual friends. I was only 3 days out of a breakup from a 5 year relationship but even though I was hurting I had already started the grieving process long before ending it. The guy had a gf at the time but our friends had told me that he was in a similar situation that I had been - 4.5 year relationship that he had wanted out of for years but just couldn't make the leap but they thought if he did we'd be good together. We hung out a few times with our friends and then a couple weeks after meeting we started texting. He texted me all day long, complaining about his gf, joking with me, whatever. He flirted some and I always told him we couldn't be like that while he had a gf and I meant it. I never pushed him to break up with her though because I knew he needed to come to that conclusion himself but he told me often how conflicted he was because he had history with her but felt a connection with me. A week after we started texting me he told me he had broken up with her the night before. I was really surprised because I didn't think he'd 1) actually ever do it 2) do it so fast.

 

A couple weeks after their breakup we hung out alone and had our first kiss. After that we started casually seeing each other every weekend. He and his ex were still living together during the last 3 months of their lease (though he asked her to move out after 2 and just covered all of the bills) and he would text me about all the mean/nasty things she did to him (like tell him about the dates she was going on, the men she was sleeping with, etc). Once their lease was up he moved a lot closer to where I live (not on purpose or anything) so we were able to see each other more than just the weekend. He moved at the end of November and about a week after he started acting distant. I asked him what was up and he said he was wondering if he had been making the right choices and was starting to doubt some. Obviously about the breakup. I gave him some space. We still hung out some and texted often (he's always been the one in constant contact with me) and after he took a trip with family he came over to my house the night he returned... and started making plans to hang out with me EVERY DAY. This was the 2nd week of December. I'm not someone who likes to hang out that much but I felt too bad to say no and didn't want him to think I wasn't interested. Eventually I got used to it and started to look forward to it/expect it.

 

I spent Christmas Eve, Christmas, and NYE with him and his parents. Everything seemed really great and like things were progressing. He started taking me out on dinner dates. He was more affectionate. We always said we were kind of just "whatever" because neither were interested in a relationship so soon after our breakups. At the end of January (while we were still hanging out daily) I could feel him pull away and I instinctively had a feeling he was once again having doubts about his breakup. We never really discussed things like that or were open about our feelings - definitely a bad thing. Last week he majorly pulled back... didn't text me all day and when I asked if we were hanging out (since we had been every day... kind of just an assumption after 2 months of it) he said no he was having a bad day. Same the next day, Wednesday.

 

Finally last Thursday I asked him what was going on. He told me he had been thinking of his ex and missed her. I was super understanding, thanked him for his honesty, and we had a decent talk. I told him I too sometimes miss my ex but it's not so much my ex but the comfort/security of knowing someone so well. We met up when he got out of work. He was crying as soon as he saw me. We talked a lot. I asked a lot of questions. I reminded him of all the bad things he had told me about her and he said he thinks maybe if he tried harder he could work it out and that he'd always wonder what if if he didn't at least try. I told I understand and would rather him go off and figure that out instead of it putting a strain on us. He told me he's not sure if things can even be mended and that for all he knows it could be just as bad as it had been/he could be making the stupidest mistake but he needs to find that out to clear his head. He told me he likes me and that he could see being in a relationship with me too so it's all been ****ing with his head. I get that he has history with her, so obviously right now she's the first choice but from what he (and our friends) have told me I do think he's making the wrong choice. But it's his to make.

 

He told me I'm his best friend, the one who is always there for him whenever he asks, that we're the same person... but none of that matters enough apparently. He said that no matter what he wants me to be in his life. That we can still talk. Still hang out. I told him I can't do that because it's too hard. (And obviously I'm not going to let him have his cake and eat it too - I respect myself too much for that.) I felt the vibe in the room change immediately. He started sobbing, shaking, and kept leaving the room because he was crying so hard. He had been cooking us dinner and we ate in silence. After I asked him why he was so upset? He said he hadn't actually thought about losing me entirely. I told him maybe someday down the line if we're both single we could try again but for now the timing is obviously off for us. I kind of regret leaving that door open now though... because I think he thinks I'm okay with being a backup option when I'm not.

 

He had plans with her to meet on Friday and talk even though she has been dating a guy. He asked to see me again on Saturday so we could talk after their talk. Friday night he texted me saying he didn't think he could see me on Saturday anymore, that he didn't want to cry anymore, and that she had changed their plans so she could talk to her current guy about what he wanted... even though she's the one who picked Friday in the first place. I could tell he was annoyed by that (he said he was "over everything"), and I was annoyed that he bailed on me because she bailed on him. He said he would stop by soon because he still had something of mine but I told him not to bother and to give it to our mutual friend. I told him goodbye and he said, "I'm not gonna say goodbye." Hmm, ok. I last texted him saying I was sad about the way things ended and he didn't reply.

 

We did not speak all Saturday which was my first day I decided to go NC. I ended up going out on a dinner date that night with a guy who had been asking me out for a while. I don't wait long to get back out there... lol. I had a really nice time and posted a Snapchat about it. Yesterday morning I woke up, saw he had seen my Snapchat, and had a text from him. "I still feel bad *name*. I don't want you to hate me." I have not replied and don't plan to. I feel like he wants to hear me say I don't hate him, and I also think he's trying to see what a hold he still has on me in case he does want me in the future... since I posted about going on a date with someone new already.

 

It was easy not to reply to that one because it annoyed me... but I'm so worried for ones that will come in the future. If they do. And he's such an emotional guy so I think they will. I'm pretending not to care on social media so he doesn't think I'm lost without him (and I'm not) but I do miss him so much. If he asked to see me I'd have such a hard time saying no. I guess I could just use some advice/encouragement. :( I feel like it's probably a bad idea to ever give him another chance since he left her so quickly after meeting me and then left me for her... so I feel like that kind of flip flopping is a bad sign. But if I'm being honest I feel like at this point I would be open to giving him a second chance sometime in the future at least. I don't think he is a bad guy though. I genuinely believe him when he says he's confused - I just don't think he necessarily handles things in the best way possible. I'm also afraid that if I don't respond to him if he keeps sending multiple ones that he'll feel rejected (he's kind of insecure) and will stop sending me anything at all.

 

 

tl;dr "Ex" left girlfriend quickly after meeting me, started casually dating me for the past 6 months, and now he's left me to go see if he'd be able to work things out with her or else he'd always wonder what if. He was super upset when I said I couldn't stay in his life and has already tried reaching out to me. I'm scared I'm going to get weak and give in eventually if he keeps doing it, and I'm scared if I don't reply he might feel rejected and stop sending anything at all.

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You know you need to stay no contact completely. Work on accepting that it's over for good, don't let yourself think about the possibility that something might work out in the future for the two of you. Would you really be able to trust him to not waffle on his choice again?

 

He's not a bad guy, but he's a confused guy who is dangerous for you emotionally. Don't let him have another chance to mess with your head and heart.

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