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Trying to be the best version of my self, and losing her for it....


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Last night i had a conversation with a girl i have been seeing for the last 10 weeks or so.

Things had been going well so I invited her to stay at mine last weekend, which she did. We had fun but a couple of minor emergencies cropped up while she was here which I had to sort out. It wasn't what i had planned and as much as I tried to stay cool about it, it was clear that that special time together had been tainted.

 

Now she says she feels im just not ready for her, which I dont feel is fair. I have always made time for her and i will continue to do so but I also have responsibilities which sometimes cant be ignored.

 

Also, this weekend has taught me that she is not used to guys like me. She is more familiar with regular 9-5 type guys, which I am never going to be, but it seems she is more wrapped up in her supposition of what life would be like with me over what life has already been like with me. She says there are a lot of positive things she enjoys but this weekend just didnt feel special, and shes right, i get that.

 

Anyway, ive tried to reason with her. Ive told her the events this weekend were exceptional and not how I had planned it. She started the conversation saying that I have too much going on for this to work and she doesn't want to go any further. I told her the whole week end was botched and we finished the conversation with her saying she wants to think about it.

 

I know ive got to leave her in peace for now, but I really dont want to give up on her that easy. Should I just move on or is there any hope to get her back on track and if so how should I approach it?

 

I hope read in your response is as therapeutic as writing this post.

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This is not an emergency but I told her before she came over that I would have to go in to work for an hour or so at 4am but would leave sleeping while i went. Maybe she didn't believe me but that is exactly what I did. When I got back I managed to damage a ground floor window, so I had to repair that before we went out and also my Mum had just come out of hospital, so I went to check on her for a few minutes while we were out. Not sexy, I know.....

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so the definition of a good relationship is that a man should be always the best dedicated version of himself ?!!

 

 

Excuse my french , if I were you I would try to be the worst version of myself at the begining , because if they can't handle each other WTF ?

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I still don’t get it. Was this supposed to be a special weekend? Was it her birthday? Or was it meant to make up for some past snafoo or wrongdoing on your part? Do you have a pattern of leaving her in the lurch?

 

Was she asleep when you left and when you came back? We’re you there in bed when she woke up in the morning?

 

What you’re describing doesn’t seem to me something to freak out about. Is she a little princess-y? High maintenance? Generally have a hard time going with the flow?

 

If you’re not leaving out something important, I really don’t understand her beef.

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zous71. She is saying she needs more dedication from me. She feels that this stage is so special I should have been totally dedicated to her.

 

 

 

There was no special occassion however.

 

 

 

Im racking my brains about the conversation we had last night. Im not hiding anything, the weekend just could have gone better, thats all. In hindsight she did not in fact say that we should stop seeing each other. I asked her if she wanted it to end it and she did not answer the question. She did mention that there are differences between us that she had not seen before and that they were a concern to her. Mainly that I am clearly a very busy guy and she fears that I might not have time for her long term.

 

 

 

What do you think? High maintenance? Game playing? Controlling, even?

 

At the moment I see a attractive woman with similar aspirations, ethics and desires as me. But, "the closer we stand to the mirror" as they say.

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She wants you to be "totally dedicated to her" at this stage & she thinks that means you ignore work, your sick mother & leave your home vulnerable (not fix the window). She's high maintenance & has fairy princess unrealistic ideas about love. Next.

 

Of course in the early stages there should be lots of cuddling in bed & gazing into each other's eyes but that doesn't mean you don't deal with other important things like work, paying bills, & sick relatives. It might mean you wait until she leaves to do laundry, go grocery shopping or play video games.

 

It's not you. It's her. Don't cow tow & give her what she wants or you will create a bigger monster. Tell her she's being ridiculous & to grow up. When she doesn't go find an appreciative adult to date.

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This is not an emergency but I told her before she came over that I would have to go in to work for an hour or so at 4am but would leave sleeping while i went. Maybe she didn't believe me but that is exactly what I did. When I got back I managed to damage a ground floor window, so I had to repair that before we went out and also my Mum had just come out of hospital, so I went to check on her for a few minutes while we were out. Not sexy, I know.....

 

What type of work do you do, OP?

 

How did she react when you gave her the heads-up about it before she came over?

 

It could be that maybe things were not going as well as you thought (for her) over the last couple weeks and she was looking for an out anyway. I personally don't think these emergencies are egregious at all, and don't really even qualify as emergencies. I have a feeling she had one foot out the door before this particular weekend, even if you didn't know it yet.

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She expected the weekend to be 'totally dedicated to her? NEXT!

 

Find a woman who doesn't expect the world to revolve around her.

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littleblackheart
She did mention that there are differences between us that she had not seen before and that they were a concern to her. Mainly that I am clearly a very busy guy and she fears that I might not have time for her long term.

 

What do you think? High maintenance? Game playing? Controlling, even?

 

Or maybe she just told you exactly what she thought, ie she thinks you may be incompatible?

 

You can try discussing it with her and see if you can assuage some of her worries (though you did mention you're not a 9 to 5 kind of guy) or you can see the situation for what it is and agree that you may not be compatible.

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She must be one of those deluded young people who assume once they are with someone, they will be the center of their life and their number one priority. Immature, in other words.

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This has all crossed my mind, from her perspective, my perspective and, thanks to you, an onlookers perspective also.

 

We may not be compatible, i agree. Some adjustments may be required from both of us but they may be a little too much to make it worthwhile, i dont know.

 

We are supposed to be meeting on Saturday night. If anything is to be salvaged how do you think i should play it? Be cool like im meeting an old friend or try to turn it around and sweep her off her feet?

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We are supposed to be meeting on Saturday night. If anything is to be salvaged how do you think i should play it? Be cool like im meeting an old friend or try to turn it around and sweep her off her feet?

 

Eh? Why bother? She has made it very clear that unless you're at her beck and call, she isn't interested. Is that really the type of hoop you want to be jumping through all the time? You're setting yourself up for a very lopsided dynamic here.

 

When did you arrange this meeting on Saturday, before or after this weekend-gone-wrong?

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9-5 people can be very fixed and inflexible as regards what happens on their week end.

Those who have never worked 9-5 do not see the "weekend" as being that special as they have had to work shifts and rotas. They often have to work at the week end, so it is no big deal.

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Sweeping her off her feet in this instance is rewarding bad behavior. You will create a bigger monster then you already have. For this to ever work, this woman needs to learn boundaries & priorities.

 

There is a time & place to sweep someone off their feet but IMHO this is not it.

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Well I see about half the posts going off on the women that we know nothing about apart from your interpretation of her. She hasn't given her side of the story and she isn't here for us to interact with.

 

You are the only one here that we can interact with...

 

Now she says she feels im just not ready for her, which I dont feel is fair.
It is not about fairness.

 

Anyway, ive tried to reason with her.
It is not a math problem. It doesn't work like that. It is based on how she feels. You would have to change how she feels, not how she thinks.

 

She started the conversation saying that I have too much going on for this to work
The events of that night just came across to her as too complicated and too much drama. She didn't feel relaxed and at peace. It doesn't matter if you agree with how she felt,...how she felt is how she felt.

 

I don't see from this thread that she is a "princess". I don't see that she expects excessive dedication, and yes I am allowing for the fact that people speak in a Hyperbolic manner and that she isn't really expecting you to be dedicated to the point of slavery. I get a sense that there is a bit of a "pile on" mentality going on here against her.

 

Bottom line is that she felt stressed and tense with the events of the evening. Women are never going to fall in love with a guy when those types of emotions are running through her. It doesn't matter if you agree that she had a reason to feel that way or not. Who knows what kind of bad past events she has experienced in her life and how the things that night may have brought back those feelings.

 

What do you do? Well, you have two choices,...try again or walk away,...pick one.

 

If you try again give her at least a week of "free space". Then when you do,...then do this..

Make a specific date,...specific time/day/place. Make it a few days to a week out (never last minute). Make it somewhere else, NOT at your place, your place has a bad vibe right now. When you get together your goal is to make sure she goes home with nothing but warm happy feelings. Do not bring up anything from the past, do not bring up anything "negative", do not go on an apology tour "I'm sorry about that...I'm sorry about that,...blah blah". All apologies do is dredge up the past bad events and the emotions attached to them.

If you walk away, then remember these things for the next one.

Edited by PRW
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We women are probably "piling on" because those women who ARE princesses make it harder for the rest of us. They lead to the general "women are..." type of comments here that are so unhelpful. Just like the a**hole guys make it harder for the rest of the guys and lead to the "men are....." comments.

 

If she is using the reasons OP listed for her coolling off and OP isn't leaving out anything, then I think "princess" fits.

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This has all crossed my mind, from her perspective, my perspective and, thanks to you, an onlookers perspective also.

 

We may not be compatible, i agree. Some adjustments may be required from both of us but they may be a little too much to make it worthwhile, i dont know.

 

We are supposed to be meeting on Saturday night. If anything is to be salvaged how do you think i should play it? Be cool like im meeting an old friend or try to turn it around and sweep her off her feet?

 

Be entertaining and fun, but keep your boundaries. Don't let her crowd you.

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I sitting here wondering how I would feel if a lady invited me to:hers for dinner and she left to go to work and visit her mom leaving me at hers.

 

Yep, I would end it.

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I sitting here wondering how I would feel if a lady invited me to:hers for dinner and she left to go to work and visit her mom leaving me at hers.

 

Yep, I would end it.

 

But the OP stated that he had to leave at 4am. So I assume she was in bed, sleeping.

 

Ten weeks is almost 3 months, it's still the honeymoon phase. Maybe she felt uncomfortable being left alone in a place that wasn't her safe space and then the window needing fixing didn't help either. She was planning on having a fun filled weekend that wasn't interrupted by all that was happening around.

 

I have been in situations where my girlfriend had emergencies, but I didn't count it against her. If she gave me the feeling that she didn't care much about me and that my presence was a nuisance then I would feel differently. In the OPs case and if I were her, I wouldn't feel the need to end it. Maybe disappointed, but not enough to end the relationship.

 

Was everything great up until that weekend? I wonder if there is a chance she is using the emergencies as pretense to end the relationship?

Edited by Logo
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manfrombelow2

1/ Like PRW said, it's not about being "fair," it's about how you make her feel.

 

 

Now she says she feels im just not ready for her, which I dont feel is fair.

 

2/ Common mistake: Trying to use the law of logic in the world of emotions. It does not matter what you do, but HOW you do it.

 

I have always made time for her and i will continue to do so but I also have responsibilities which sometimes cant be ignored.

 

3/ Actually women don't care who you are, they just care about how you make them feel.

 

Also, this weekend has taught me that she is not used to guys like me. She is more familiar with regular 9-5 type guys, which I am never going to be,

 

4/ She's speaking the truth. You didn't make her feel relaxed and fun and comfortable enough during your date. That was your job, and you failed at your job.

 

but this weekend just didnt feel special, and shes right, i get that.

 

5/ You just can't use "reason" or "logic" to convince someone into liking you. You have to make her FEEL good about you. Like PRW said, you would have to change how she feels, not how she thinks.

 

Anyway, ive tried to reason with her.

 

6/ Too much stress, pressure and drama was put onto her by you.

 

She started the conversation saying that I have too much going on for this to work and she doesn't want to go any further.

 

7/ Again, too much reasoning, too much logic. Women don't want good reasons or logic, they just want to feel good.

 

I told her the whole week end was botched and we finished the conversation with her saying she wants to think about it.

 

8/ You have only two options:

 

A/ Walk away and never look back (at least until she reaches out to you first).

 

B/ Give her a "break" of about 1-2 weeks before asking her out again. This time make a definite date with time and location. If she agrees, then that's likely your last chance to raise her interest level in you. Your job then is to create & maintain a fun, relaxing and positive atmosphere for the two of you to enjoy together with the ultimate goal is for you to kiss or/and have sex with each other at the end of the date (but given your situation, a kiss would be more than enough).

 

I know ive got to leave her in peace for now, but I really dont want to give up on her that easy. Should I just move on or is there any hope to get her back on track and if so how should I approach it?
Edited by thaygiaogiang
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manfrombelow2

And I agree with PRW over the fact that people are too quick to judge the girl in OP's story without even listening directly from her side.

 

To be fair, I don't see any problems in her behaviour, but all I see are OP's.

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I have been in situations where my girlfriend had emergencies, but I didn't count it against her.
You are a man. Your mind works differently. We also don't know her history, we don't know if she had some very unpleasant past events with past men which these current events reminded her of.
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I take the approach a lot of this thread has. It’s only ten weeks in. I’d see alarm bells all over this. Yeaaaah, if ALL women were the same then maybe a case of suck it up buttercup or Be single. Take your choice. But they’re not, they’re not robots all cut from the same cloth.

 

So why start off bending your boundaries against all your gut feelings on this one. You’re at the start and have the opportunity to get out with a fleshwound rather than machine gun bullets to the abdomen,

 

It’s not your job OP to work for this person. You’re not paid. You’re meant to have enjoyment out of reles, yeah they take work - from both. And a level of mature understanding. Yes men and women have differences. But regardless of gender there’s easier people in life that don’t pull off theatrics like this at the start.

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