My ex (the dumper) makes sure that they are near me

[Michael1978]

Hi all, You may remember I posted about the chances of reconciliation with my ex ( https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/673229-possibity-reconciliation). I made all the begging, testing and sh***y mistakes you make when plunged into turmoil, but went NC after a month.

 

So, after the fiasco that was Christmas, and a lot of people's opinions that she has been drawing a line in the sand, I deleted her contact details and the whole shebang. She sent me a message saying she had no interest in a relationship again.

 

Now, to note, we work for the same College (in U.S. terms) where we are in the corporate services portfolio and I am a senior manager and she is an accounts clerk (not for bragging, just that I have a lot to lose).

 

Her friends are saying that she is struggling with the separation. I can't concern myself with that.

 

Over the past (nearly) month My ex has indirectly made sure to appear in my view. I've gone full NC and even taken leave from work to ensure that I have time to heal. I have made sure to not attend events she may attend, not to frequent places that she may go and have been posting my plans on social media hoping that this minimises chances of her turning up there.

 

So, her daughter started following me on Insta. These posts started turning up that referenced her mum (my ex). It was fishy - so I looked at the pics and realised that they were either i. Ones my ex took on our private getaways, or recreations of pics we had taken. I then postead a pic of what I was doing (just because I was doing something). next thing I get a new follow notification saying the daughter was following me (must have unfollowed).

 

Next thing I am getting notification emails that my NetFlix is being signed in on 3 new devices. They are all her kids devices.

 

I was talking to a colleague and mentioned that I had contact from an ex fiance who is now married and that it was good to talk. My ex walked in during this.

 

The next day my ex walks into my office and drops a few gifts (not all, just a select couple of useless things) on my desk and says "thanks, but I don't want them". I just said "Cool, are you ok?" and she spun fast and said "yep" as she basically ran out the door. I kept my cool. The funny thing is that these gifts are unusable and could have been binned or left at my doorstep.

 

So my ex had a week off work to care for her kids. It was a great week for me. On Friday I was with some fiends at a large outdoor bar. I was talking to a pretty girl when my friends said"I don't want to upset you, but Leigh is right behind you". She made sure that she stayed within distance so I could hear her, and stayed there until I left. I was naturally upset.

 

I have taken this week off to get resettled. I got a notification for a calendar change for her son's basketball championship in another town. I'd removed myself as an attendee.

 

I need to ask, what is this sort of behaviour about in your opinion? I am not engaging her and have made no attempt to. It's strange behaviour. I do want reconciliation, but this is my time to work on myself. I have lost weight, looking pretty trim, muscled up and I am back achieving goals at work.

 

It just seems strange that she doesn't want me in her life and she's almost undertaking attention seeking behaviour, or cruel behaviour, or making sure she stays visible in my periphery. My ex Fiance thinks she's aiming to keep me engaged for a hookup, but I can get that anywhere.

Edited January 14, 2019 by Michael1978

[preraph]

I'm just laughing because you say you're posting your plans on social media in hopes it will keep her from showing up there! Are you serious? She wouldn't know where you were if you didn't post your plans there. Kick "her daughter" off!

[Michael1978]

I'm just laughing because you say you're posting your plans on social media in hopes it will keep her from showing up there! Are you serious? She wouldn't know where you were if you didn't post your plans there. Kick "her daughter" off!

 

Should have been clearer. I post where I’m going g to rally a few friends for a meetup. My ex and I have no connection but so far it’s been great at ensuring we don’t cross paths. The “getting in my space” thing is a new development.

 

The daughter is 8 and I’ve been her step-dad for a few years. I hope you can understand why I’ve allowed her to follow me. My knsta is dog photos and guitars!

[S2B]

Block every form of her peeking into your life - including her daughter.

 

When she says anything to you - don’t even bother responding.

 

If she’s in your view - pretend like she’s not there.

 

She’s looking for ego strokes even though you aren’t dating.

[chillii]

l don't think she's looking for ego strokes and it doesn't sound like she's even getting any anyway.

l'd say she's obviously having second thoughts and wants to at least reconnect and talk , take it from there.

 

And no , don't just BLOCK , her daughter she's only an 8yr old girl and she'll already be having a hard enough time in this with you not around anymore.

But if you think if might be better for all concerned if you slowly and gently weened your way out of her life , then please, find a gentle and kind way of doing it. Poor girl , one reason l just hate hearing about new people getting too close to their kids.

When it turns to shyt, this is what the poor kids are left with. And that could happen 10 times before dear old mum finally resettles properly with a guy.

[bathtub-row]

I wouldn't dump the daughter but there are ways to block which posts she sees.

[Michael1978]

Some of these replies are really great and reassuring (not that I came here looking for a stroking).

 

The daughter is 8 and when her mum and dad separated she was 2. She sees her dad regularly and I've been there for her too. The closest she has seen to a family unit was me, even though I didn't live with them. She's beautiful and the weaning is a great thing. I am big enough to wear the posts that I know are made by her mum to stir emotion - but trying to understand the motivation is the hard bit.

 

My general vibe is that she seems to be making sure she doesn't disappear from view. I love this woman incredibly but I need to heal too. I've gone out of my way since I made a hash of the breakup to do everything exactly the opposite to instinct and expectation. And that's what I think an element of this is, a test. She expects me to initiate contact or to do something that I'd do previously. That justifies her actions. Maybe, as my sister has said, she's just trying to be really cruel. Maybe she's having second thoughts. The fact is that even I don't know. Given that I work with her I have taken leave for the remainder of the week to disappear from view for the next fortnight.

 

Someone commented about me facebooking my going out plans - it has worked mostly very well, most of her friends that go out would see it and would make sure to keep us apart. That's for us both to move on and heal without feeling anxious or jealous (if she feels that at all).