Getting back with gf after she rebounded. Perspectives?

[Snickerboy99]

So me and my first gf of 1.5 years broke up about 2 months ago. We were constantly fighting because of her studies and she felt that I was constantly angry at her and controlling. She felt suffocated and after a fight one day, decided to give up on us.

 

So. After the relationship, I tried to convince her to give us a second chance. Since she had previously promised we would be together forever, I asked her 'how she could just break her promises like this'.

 

She was really cold and mean to me, and got into a rebound relationship, with a guy friend who was helping her out with her studies. (The guy asked her out after we broke up. And constantly told her he liked her.) She kept this rebound relationship secret from me, but she posted pictures of her looking happy to make me jealous.

 

Anyways, fast forward 2 months later, I met up with her to catch up and she ended up cheating on the rebound with me. She decided to break things off with the rebound guy as she said she didn't feel any attraction for him(even though they kissed and hugged on a bed, she claims they never had sex and she thinks of me when she kissed him and that she someone masturbates thinking of me while we were apart...)

 

After the day we met up, we got back tgt but the day she felt really emotional and said she wanted to be single as she felt really bad and guilty for using the other guy to get over me.

 

Somehow, we managed to patch things up again. And she tells me she loves me and that she only used the guy as a rebound as she felt it was the best way to get over me. (Before we broke up, she told me that she was aware the guy liked her but she only viewed him platonically.)

 

So, the problem is. Even though we're back together. It hurts because I can't stop thinking of the fact that she slept with another guy and gave her body to him(even if they didn't have sex), and that during the month I was trying to get her back, she was with him... at his house on his bed etc...

I don't know. If you were in my position. What would you do...? I really do like this girl, and she says she loves me too. But. It's kinda ****ed up RN... (We were each others firsts...)

 

Also, it's pretty strange cause before she met me, she didn't give her body up so easily. But it seems like she gave herself up to this rebound so fast. Man. She used to tell me she was mine only. And now... It's different.

 

So. What would you do in my position...?

[Giraffe-A]

Before thinking further about her and that other dude, reread your first paragraph. You guys were fighting, and she felt suffocated during her studies, which is important to her. If you had understood what she was telling you and gave her space, she wouldn’t have to have made that decision. Instead of thinking about her actions, take accountablity for your part in the breakup. She didn’t sleep with the guy, which should bring some comfort that she still had feelings for you. The rest is just the controlling side of you sabotaging this.

[basil67]

I looked at your breakup thread for context. In that thread, you said she ended the relationship with you because you were "Impulsive, controlling and needy". Problem is, the way you've worded the post, it would seem that your attitude hasn't changed much and you're up for another crash in the not too distant future.

 

Since she had previously promised we would be together forever, I asked her 'how she could just break her promises like this'.

 

You demonstrated appalling behaviour and she broke up with you. But instead of owning your own behaviour, you guilt trip her for rightfully walking away from you. Not cool.

 

She kept this rebound relationship secret from me, but she posted pictures of her looking happy to make me jealous.

 

The pictures were probably not about you. She likely posted the pictures because she was having fun and wanted to share it.

 

It hurts because I can't stop thinking of the fact that she slept with another guy and gave her body to him(even if they didn't have sex), and that during the month I was trying to get her back, she was with him... at his house on his bed etc...

 

Remind yourself that she only left you because of your bad behaviour. Had you been a kind, thoughtful and reliable boyfriend, you would have been together still.

 

she didn't give her body up so easily. But it seems like she gave herself up to this rebound so fast. Man. She used to tell me she was mine only. And now... It's different.

 

Of course it's different. She's not a virgin anymore. Also, it's not your place to judge how soon a woman does or doesn't "give it up"

 

In your position, I'd do some reflection on myself. You haven't owned your contribution to the first demise of the relationship. You're also too caught up in issues of control, judgement and anger to continue with a productive relationship. If you don't get on top of your issues, it's going to crash and burn again and there will be no second chance.

[Snickerboy99]

I looked at your breakup thread for context. In that thread, you said she ended the relationship with you because you were "Impulsive, controlling and needy". Problem is, the way you've worded the post, it would seem that your attitude hasn't changed much and you're up for another crash in the not too distant future.

 

Since she had previously promised we would be together forever, I asked her 'how she could just break her promises like this'.

 

You demonstrated appalling behaviour and she broke up with you. But instead of owning your own behaviour, you guilt trip her for rightfully walking away from you. Not cool.

 

She kept this rebound relationship secret from me, but she posted pictures of her looking happy to make me jealous.

 

The pictures were probably not about you. She likely posted the pictures because she was having fun and wanted to share it.

 

It hurts because I can't stop thinking of the fact that she slept with another guy and gave her body to him(even if they didn't have sex), and that during the month I was trying to get her back, she was with him... at his house on his bed etc...

 

Remind yourself that she only left you because of your bad behaviour. Had you been a kind, thoughtful and reliable boyfriend, you would have been together still.

 

she didn't give her body up so easily. But it seems like she gave herself up to this rebound so fast. Man. She used to tell me she was mine only. And now... It's different.

 

Of course it's different. She's not a virgin anymore. Also, it's not your place to judge how soon a woman does or doesn't "give it up"

 

In your position, I'd do some reflection on myself. You haven't owned your contribution to the first demise of the relationship. You're also too caught up in issues of control, judgement and anger to continue with a productive relationship. If you don't get on top of your issues, it's going to crash and burn again and there will be no second chance.

 

About guilt tripping her, well. I just kinda believed that she would stay with me, I was inexperienced with relationships and kinda took her for granted in a way.

I also apologized for my behaviour and told her my mistakes but at that point of time she was afraid that things would stay the same. That's why these days I'm trying my best to change and give her more freedom to do as she wants.

 

As for her leaving me for my bad behaviour, I will have to admit it's true. At the time, I was really trying to be a good partner but didn't really realise what I was doing... A sign of immaturity. This time, I will do my best to fix my behaviour and not make the same mistakes. But I will admit, that it's not easy to change. I find myself reverting back to my old ways at times... Even though it's to a smaller extent now.

 

I understand that I have to love someone such that she feels free, and relationships are primarily about giving. And I will strive towards that.

 

I guess the main message of this thread is that I'm kind of grieving over the loss of what we had. Being each other's.

 

I'm certain she has feelings for me, she bought me shirts when we finally met up after 2 months. She told me she refused to meet me previously because she was afraid of how I would react and she was afraid she would break down.

However, when we did meet up, my only intention was to show her a good time. (To clear up my name that I could only make her unhappy and to kind of repay her for all that she's done for me? Even though there's no way.)

 

I recently bought her a Christmas present, she didn't want me to buy it for her initially because she felt guilty for not being loyal to me previously. Well, I know it's not exactly her fault. And that I had a huge role to play in what happened.

 

All I have to do is love her fully again. And try my best to grieve what I've lost...

 

(Btw, her rebound starting saying he couldn't live without her and felt like killing himself. He got on his knees and begged her to stay? Dafuq...? This caused her to be really guilty about her rebounding and kind of made her hesitant about getting back together with me. I spent some time talking to her rebound yesterday. Telling him that it isn't worth it to be affected by someone who used you, that he had a bright future etc. And we kind of talked things out. He stopped being suicidal? I hope. And he requested to be able to continue texting my gf as friends. Which I agreed on the condition he keeps to his word to stay friends and that he moves on and finds his own happiness. So yeah... )

 

I'm trying to forget about what happened. Learn from my mistakes and try to make us work out again... But I guess the guy texting her and certain triggers keep reminding me of what happened. I've got to get over this.

[Snickerboy99]

Before thinking further about her and that other dude, reread your first paragraph. You guys were fighting, and she felt suffocated during her studies, which is important to her. If you had understood what she was telling you and gave her space, she wouldn’t have to have made that decision. Instead of thinking about her actions, take accountablity for your part in the breakup. She didn’t sleep with the guy, which should bring some comfort that she still had feelings for you. The rest is just the controlling side of you sabotaging this.

 

Yeah... I understand. I have to love her in a way where she's free. It's easier said than done tho, but I will do my best.

[nolanola]

No one ever belongs to another person. No one owes you "forever" because they said that once. That is not what a healthy relationship is. I personally would advise you guys to take a break from each other because what you describe is not healthy. It's going to crash and burn if it continues like this. Your reactions to what she is doing in her life (posting on Facebook, dating another man -- what was she supposed to do, join a nunnery?!?) are not good.