Reaching out to an ex who had ercetile dysfunction?

[QueenLemon]

Hey guys I'm new here and lost and not sure what to do!

 

Thanks in advance for reading. Sorry if I've not made anything clear. As if I was to explain indepth it works turn into a novel.

 

So a couple months back a guy I had been seeing for 3 months tells me he has cold feet and couldn't make me happy long term. I initaily thought it was due to him being embarrassed as prior to that all had been normal until our last date where a touch erectile dysfunction took place that I never addressed. So I assumed the "break up" was down to him not feeling like a "man" and able to "make me happy". We have not been in contact since the vague "break-up".

 

I knew I would regret not reaching out to him back then. So I'm stuck wondering if I should message him now a couple months later... If so what do I say as I have never reached out to an ex.

 

Yes this also means he had not contacted me either. I know a lot of you will say that's my answer and move on. I don't think it is all that simple to be fair.

 

The only reason it's hit me now is the fact I was so stressed with work... A lot of stuff happened that I ended up handing in my resignation. This made me think towards the end of our relationship. I wasn't happy. Not because of him as I was incredibly happy with him. But work was getting me down and I didn't tell anyone about it not even him. So maybe he said he couldn't mak me happy as he saw me unhappy and thought I was unhappy with him? Coupled with his ED that happened on our last with an epiosde of premature ejaculation. That would crush a man's who like crazy.

 

This only came to light after handing in my notice when a colleague said she was happy for me as I have not been much cheerful self around the office. She knew I needed to get out. I thought I hid it well enough. Now looking back maybe I hadn't if she noticed and now maybe he noticed back then too.

 

I know you guys will ask why bother with him! The truth is before any sexual issues. We genuinely clicked. He even said he hadn't met anyone like me since living in the city (so three years). I hadn't met anyone like him for the last year I've been actively dating. We have the same stupid sense of humour. Same family morals and get on so well.

 

The break up felt incredibly vague. I never questioned it. I was drowning in work drama. I have now left it all and he has crossed my mind constantly since I'm free from work.

 

I'm actually really happy within myself from being away from that toxic environment. So I know that would not a be a problem moving forward in my life daring. I'm also ready to dGe after the holidays. So I know I'm in a good place right now.

 

Like I've said I've never reached out to an ex. But something this time is making me want to. That's why I'm here for other people's advice and perspective.

 

Would appreciate the help guys and thank you in advance.

[rightondude]

sure, reach out if you liked him, especially if you got nothing better going on. ED really, really messes with a guy's head. But if you say something to the effect of you'd really like to try again and are patient, I am sure y'all can work through it. Unless he's gay.

[QueenLemon]

sure, reach out if you liked him, especially if you got nothing better going on. ED really, really messes with a guy's head. But if you say something to the effect of you'd really like to try again and are patient, I am sure y'all can work through it. Unless he's gay.

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

I've been so on the fence... As everyone (especially friends) tell you to never reach out to an ex. Problem is I didn't share the ED side of it.

 

I remember posting on another forum. A lot of people was like "get rid of him sex would never get better".

 

I get what they are saying but for me there was a lot of chemisty that I believe to of led to his episodes.

 

I don't think he is gay as before we even was intimate and just kissing I may have stroked him a little with his trousers on and he may have got too excited and messed himself. He was so embarrassed.

 

When we finally got to the stage of being intimate... Just getting the condom on made him "finish". So since then a lot has been playing on his mind. Then after that he had two ED incidents. I could tell he was nervous whenever we was intimate as he said he just wanted to make me happy. Which he did as I didn't mind cuddling up and watching a movie. But I know male friends who put a lot of pressure on satisfying a girl.

 

So think that may have been his issue. Especially as he thought I was super experienced... He is 28 and had a 5 year relationship that ended 3 years ago. So I don't think he is a virgin as other people on other forums have suggested.

 

I think he was super nervous and decided to run away from it.

 

I never gave him reassurance as I was super stressed with work.

 

I just feel he wouldn't want to hesr from me after almost two mornhs.

 

Ahhh... I don't know and I'm rabbitting on.

[Purepony]

Id Start with a happy holidays text maybe ?

Then see where that goes

 

If he replied just got with it and then offer to catch up with coffee or some tea but if his answers are just quick and blunt then just say “ well it was nice to talk to you, you take care “

 

That’s how I would play it

[preraph]

I mean, I don't think premature ejaculation, an isolated incident of it, affects most guys that badly.

 

I have a feeling he's talking more about something about himself that he feels isn't worthy or something that he's not willing to change or try to be with a person. I mean, you can always just see if he wants to get together and then just ask him, Hey, when we broke up, you said you didn't think you could make me happy, and it was only later that I wondered in what way.

 

Do not tell him about your work thing and just jump in and take the blame because that's probably not it.

[Garcon1986]

A big proportion of erectile dysfunction is sexual education being taught to young men mainly through pornography these days rather than real sex. So you'll have to contemplate the possibility of his ED being due to a pornography obsession or addiction.

[olivetree]

I would not reach out to a man that didn't bother to really communicate with you before ending the relationship abruptly.

 

That just spells more communication troubles down the road.

He could drop you for something else without bothering to work it out.

 

If anyone should reach out, it should be him, after realizing that he should have talked to you first before throwing in the towel.

 

He sounds insecure (do you really want that??) and I bet it has more to do with him than your actions.

[Lotsgoingon]

You report the breakup kinda matter of factly ... So if you're calm and balanced, nothing wrong with calling him ... except! .... except ...

 

I suggest you think about being his friend. He has also shown you several major problems, red flags ... One, he has sexual issues ... yes you can have compassion, but he can also get himself to a therapist and a doctor and work on this. Clearly he has serious anxiety ... Our society has lost much of the embarrassment or secrecy about therapy. Why isn't he getting help? So ED is problem ... but not taking initiative to get help is bigger problem.

 

And then he just breaks up with you not sharing much, not sharing his feelings. And trust me ... a person who really gets you .... would have sensed that you were not happy at your job. So this guy seems kinda shutdown.

 

If ... if you guys hook up again, here's a tip: drop the full-on sex for now and go for old-fashioned (not in a bad way) kissing and touching and making out. Hang out in making out land ... like really hang there ... if he's gonna have a chance to relax, he cannot be thinking oh, she'll expect sex tomorrow. I'll have to perform. Won't work with his anxiety. Like thing of making out for a good month. Yes, that long ... perhaps longer.

 

If you're up for that, fine. Just hold your expectations ... and give up the fantasy that you can "cure" him or change him.

[Simple Logic]

Pun intended, but wouldn’t just text an ex who had ED, “What’s up?”

[smackie9]

Pun intended, but wouldn’t just text an ex who had ED, “What’s up?”

hahahahahahaha!

[Gretchen12]

Sure, you can reach out. Just remember that the reason he called it quits may not be what you think. Consider

- he may have met someone while dating you.

- he may have met someone after breaking up with you.

- he may not find you pretty enough for keeps.

- he may have psychological problems.

 

You can reach out for friendship if you're over him as a bf. Just don't have high hopes for much more.

[Art_Critic]

Pun intended, but wouldn’t just text an ex who had ED, “What’s up?”

 

Only is he is "hard" up...

 

I personally wouldn't send a text but there is also nothing wrong with sending one.. if you do send one make it short or quick

[QueenLemon]

Id Start with a happy holidays text maybe ?

Then see where that goes

 

If he replied just got with it and then offer to catch up with coffee or some tea but if his answers are just quick and blunt then just say “ well it was nice to talk to you, you take care “

 

That’s how I would play it

 

I like this idea... Also with the reply if it's not going well.

 

As I've never reached out to an ex before I was reading and those sites have suggested send a "memory" text. I'm not sure if that's a bit much? As I've stumbled across something from one of our early dates a couple weeks back. Could take a pic and say thought of you... Or is this too cliche?

 

I'm so new to this game lol

 

Thanks for the advice though

[QueenLemon]

I mean, I don't think premature ejaculation, an isolated incident of it, affects most guys that badly.

 

I have a feeling he's talking more about something about himself that he feels isn't worthy or something that he's not willing to change or try to be with a person. I mean, you can always just see if he wants to get together and then just ask him, Hey, when we broke up, you said you didn't think you could make me happy, and it was only later that I wondered in what way.

 

Do not tell him about your work thing and just jump in and take the blame because that's probably not it.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I'm not very experienced with guys... As I have only been with a handful of men.

 

I've only ever had one guy have an issue with PE on an isolated incident. That said is was merely him finishing as soon as he entered. We had been together for over a year by this point. I remember him being incredibly apologetic - he didn't need to be as it wasn't an issue. Never troubled us again but we had been together for a long time by this point.

 

I just felt like for that to happen with someone new may have got to him... There was an incident kissing in the park. Then couple weeks later we end up in bed for the first time. He puts on a condom and literally came from just that. His faced when he looked at me. He said he was so sorry. Again I said not to worry and it's a compliment. We had fun in other ways. But could tell it got to him.

 

Anyway we never that night. By time we did it went okay but again he was anxious as he had pre-opened the condom packet before when things was getting hot and heavy. As I guessed it was a big deal for him.

 

Then following that two cases of ED. Which for a young guy I'm sure is a massive issue. I don't know as I'm not a man. The last time it happened he couldn't even look at me!

 

That said maybe he was referring to something other then that and more about himself. Who knows.

 

Maybe I could phrase it like that. He didn't give me an explanation. Although people on other forums said I am not owed one and should just deal with it. So again very unsure.

 

Yes I definitely won't mention the work thing to him!

[QueenLemon]

A big proportion of erectile dysfunction is sexual education being taught to young men mainly through pornography these days rather than real sex. So you'll have to contemplate the possibility of his ED being due to a pornography obsession or addiction.

 

To be fair I'm very open in a relationship about porn and masturbation.

 

Unlike most girls who will shy away from the topic I like getting to know a partner through that.

 

We joked about porn but never had a full blown conversation.

 

As we waited for sex but there was a lot of "sexting" with a bit of phone sex. I know he was very active with "alone time" as we discussed it openly. So with the ED I didn't think much of it as I have had an ex "save himself" for me when we would meet so stay away from the porn and hand play. He didn't so not wonder things didn't go as planned in the bedroom. Again I didn't see any issue as we were new and getting to know each other.

 

Maybe porn is the enemy for some lol

[QueenLemon]

I would not reach out to a man that didn't bother to really communicate with you before ending the relationship abruptly.

 

That just spells more communication troubles down the road.

He could drop you for something else without bothering to work it out.

 

If anyone should reach out, it should be him, after realizing that he should have talked to you first before throwing in the towel.

 

He sounds insecure (do you really want that??) and I bet it has more to do with him than your actions.

 

That is also what stopped me from reaching out before.

 

But then I thought if he was "embarrassed" then why would he want to reach out?

 

I've embarrassed myself once at a work party ages ago. I avoided that guy for months. Guess not the most grown up way to deal with it but it's how I acted out of embarrassment.

 

That said I never reassured him it was okay with his last episode. We never spoke about it. Like I said he was so embarrassed. He couldn't even look at me after or talk to me. All had been normal before. We fell asleep and then the next day he wasn't himself. Then following that the chat eventually happened.

 

That said I agree it is poor communication from his point.

 

The only person IRL I discussed it with was someone I'm really close with. She said how her partner had a bought of ED due to a bad sports injury. She had never seen him cry in the 8 years they had been together. After a couple of episodes of his issue he broke down to her. I think the only reason he could open up to her is the fact they had been together for I years.

 

Thing with my guy it was essentially 2 and a half months when it happened. I don't think that's long enough to open up and know how a girl would take it.

 

I would have been fine if he had as I liked him for him and his personality.

 

That said... Maybe he had a lot of insecurities... That would be a lot to take on. I think he thought I was too good for him as he told me what his friends said. The week before his last ED incident he had shown my picture to all his mates. They said to him "she is too good for you". Yes it was make banter but that said if he was insecure sure that didn't help.

 

I guess I could nit pick it all and never know the real reason.

[QueenLemon]

You report the breakup kinda matter of factly ... So if you're calm and balanced, nothing wrong with calling him ... except! .... except ...

 

I suggest you think about being his friend. He has also shown you several major problems, red flags ... One, he has sexual issues ... yes you can have compassion, but he can also get himself to a therapist and a doctor and work on this. Clearly he has serious anxiety ... Our society has lost much of the embarrassment or secrecy about therapy. Why isn't he getting help? So ED is problem ... but not taking initiative to get help is bigger problem.

 

And then he just breaks up with you not sharing much, not sharing his feelings. And trust me ... a person who really gets you .... would have sensed that you were not happy at your job. So this guy seems kinda shutdown.

 

If ... if you guys hook up again, here's a tip: drop the full-on sex for now and go for old-fashioned (not in a bad way) kissing and touching and making out. Hang out in making out land ... like really hang there ... if he's gonna have a chance to relax, he cannot be thinking oh, she'll expect sex tomorrow. I'll have to perform. Won't work with his anxiety. Like thing of making out for a good month. Yes, that long ... perhaps longer.

 

If you're up for that, fine. Just hold your expectations ... and give up the fantasy that you can "cure" him or change him.

 

Ahhhhhhhhh! I don't think I am brave enough for a call!

 

The thing is he works in HR and feels very strongly about mental health. So if there was a problem I'm surprised he has never thought to seek help. Unless it's a new problem and it was just me lol

 

If it is a problem you are right he will have to sort it out himself and I would essentially be his friend.

 

The only reason I don't think he sense the job thing too much. None of my close friends knew. Other family members didn't just my mum and that one colleague who I didn't even work closely with. I had stopped skipping around the office and she clocked that whereas others didn't.

 

Guess for him to not notice was not a bug deal as only my mum did and that was towards the end of the downfall at work.

 

I am not sticking you for him. He didn't handle it well and was emotionally shut off with it all.

 

The thing is we made out like teenagers a hell of a lot before we ever had sex. Not sure if that was an issue as the build up to actual sex was immense. Those times other than the first PE incident he was fine. He never went lost his errection when making out eventually we stepped it up and he would be able to finish fine. So that side of it was fine and I was happy with to be fair. As there is way more fun to be had outside out actual penatrive sex.

 

That said I doubt I'll ever get to s stage of "hooking up" with him as intimacy for me comes with more than just the odd "hooking up" concept.

 

You are so right. I can't change or cure him. I have told many friends that they can't change their bf into what they want. So I'll keep that same thought moving forward.

 

Thanks

[QueenLemon]

Pun intended, but wouldn’t just text an ex who had ED, “What’s up?”

 

Only is he is "hard" up...

 

I personally wouldn't send a text but there is also nothing wrong with sending one.. if you do send one make it short or quick

 

You guys actually made me laugh out loud for real on the bus today.

 

Temped to send that text

[elaine567]

A big proportion of erectile dysfunction is sexual education being taught to young men mainly through pornography these days rather than real sex. So you'll have to contemplate the possibility of his ED being due to a pornography obsession or addiction.

 

 

Psychologist specialising with ED issues on radio said all men under 30 presenting with ED she sees, have a lack of desire for real live women due to porn use, mostly starting when they were young kids.

[QueenLemon]

Sure, you can reach out. Just remember that the reason he called it quits may not be what you think. Consider

- he may have met someone while dating you.

- he may have met someone after breaking up with you.

- he may not find you pretty enough for keeps.

- he may have psychological problems.

 

You can reach out for friendship if you're over him as a bf. Just don't have high hopes for much more.

 

Yes those are all possiblities...

 

He pushed for exclusivity but that said he could have still had someone else on the go. I never had any suspicions but doesn't mean he didn't.

 

Yes it's also likely he met someone else after the breakup. Which I'm prepared for. In my opinion he was a bit of a catch minus the ED. Although even my friends thought I could do better. But he had a lovely personallity and he was my "type" even though I don't have a strict type.

 

As for psychological problems that could also be a possibility. Again nothing I can get involved with and he will have to face on his own.

 

There is a lot to think about before reaching out.

[preraph]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I'm not very experienced with guys... As I have only been with a handful of men.

 

I've only ever had one guy have an issue with PE on an isolated incident. That said is was merely him finishing as soon as he entered. We had been together for over a year by this point. I remember him being incredibly apologetic - he didn't need to be as it wasn't an issue. Never troubled us again but we had been together for a long time by this point.

 

I just felt like for that to happen with someone new may have got to him... There was an incident kissing in the park. Then couple weeks later we end up in bed for the first time. He puts on a condom and literally came from just that. His faced when he looked at me. He said he was so sorry. Again I said not to worry and it's a compliment. We had fun in other ways. But could tell it got to him.

 

Anyway we never that night. By time we did it went okay but again he was anxious as he had pre-opened the condom packet before when things was getting hot and heavy. As I guessed it was a big deal for him.

 

Then following that two cases of ED. Which for a young guy I'm sure is a massive issue. I don't know as I'm not a man. The last time it happened he couldn't even look at me!

 

That said maybe he was referring to something other then that and more about himself. Who knows.

 

Maybe I could phrase it like that. He didn't give me an explanation. Although people on other forums said I am not owed one and should just deal with it. So again very unsure.

 

Yes I definitely won't mention the work thing to him!

 

Men can't hardly talk about that subject at all. If there's been some other incidents, then yes, he has an issue. Maybe it will get better as he gets trusting and comfortable, or not. The odd ejaculating too soon can actually just be because they're that excited. A guy I always crushed on pretty much always finished too soon. It didn't seem to bother him. Don't know why.

 

But one guy I was in love with forever hung around all the time but wouldn't have sex and wouldn't just come out and tell me. I think he hinted about it once, but not so you'd really get it. And I actually found out from some other guy friend, who immediately said, He's got ED. And then someone who'd known him vaguely for a long time but no longer really knew him said he had confidence problems. Couldn't tell it by the way he acted around me at all. He was actually very outgoing, etc. But he avoided doing it with anyone he cared about and stuck with doing it to women he considered disposable, I guess, little drunk not that attractive blonds. No idea if he was successful or not. 10 years later after he was married, he told me he'd had some adolescent molestation and that combined with a huge scar from some sort of saw set him back. He did counseling and apparently got over it. It was hell for me because I just didn't understand it at all....heartbroken over it, thought I was crazy and he let me think it was all in my head, our relationship. Grrre

[Simple Logic]

Only is he is "hard" up...

 

I personally wouldn't send a text but there is also nothing wrong with sending one.. if you do send one make it short or quick

 

Or down and out.

[QueenLemon]

Psychologist specialising with ED issues on radio said all men under 30 presenting with ED she sees, have a lack of desire for real live women due to porn use, mostly starting when they were young kids.

 

This is actually really sad.

 

When you think about it, this is often many youngsters first introducuction to sex. With very unrealistic expectations of sex being shown in these things.

 

Maybe this guy I dated had these issues I'm not sure and never will be.

 

The thing is he was able to get hard when making out and fooling around in other ways.

 

His two incidents of ED came from when he put the condom on. Literally put it on and pulled me to him and it was gone!

 

Same for the last time. He was hard and put the condom on and bam it vanished. He looked down and back at me. Nustlrd his head in my neck and "took care of me". Then rolled back onto the bed. Took the condom off and was unable to look at me or even speak after.

 

Makes me think it had a lot to do with the condom... Again I could be wrong. As I know he was super embarrassed the first time we tried to have sex and he put the condom and and literally came from just that! He was mortified but not as bad as his last ED experience.

 

I know this is a lot of red flags and potential sexual issues in the long run. So not sure why I even still feel the need to reach out to be fair. I think it was because he was such a lovely person and we got on so well prior to that.

 

I know a lot of women blame themselves when their partner has ED. They think they are not sexy enough or whatever. As I did a lot of reading when it happened over a month ago.

 

Again I don't think that was the case. We were like teenagers in the movie theatre and cuddling at his. He was very excited then. In fact just getting charged in front of him I could see how excited he was. So I think he definitely found me attractive just maybe there is a psychological issue there that he needs to deal with.

 

Who knows!

[QueenLemon]

Men can't hardly talk about that subject at all. If there's been some other incidents, then yes, he has an issue. Maybe it will get better as he gets trusting and comfortable, or not. The odd ejaculating too soon can actually just be because they're that excited. A guy I always crushed on pretty much always finished too soon. It didn't seem to bother him. Don't know why.

 

But one guy I was in love with forever hung around all the time but wouldn't have sex and wouldn't just come out and tell me. I think he hinted about it once, but not so you'd really get it. And I actually found out from some other guy friend, who immediately said, He's got ED. And then someone who'd known him vaguely for a long time but no longer really knew him said he had confidence problems. Couldn't tell it by the way he acted around me at all. He was actually very outgoing, etc. But he avoided doing it with anyone he cared about and stuck with doing it to women he considered disposable, I guess, little drunk not that attractive blonds. No idea if he was successful or not. 10 years later after he was married, he told me he'd had some adolescent molestation and that combined with a huge scar from some sort of saw set him back. He did counseling and apparently got over it. It was hell for me because I just didn't understand it at all....heartbroken over it, thought I was crazy and he let me think it was all in my head, our relationship. Grrre

 

Yes I just put it down to him being too excited... After our first kiss and a couple of dates later. We were just kissing on a bench... My hands wandered and after a little while he literally messed himself. We joked about it... So didn't think he would have been embarrassed. He even said "bet your are proud of yourself" I was like of course I am. He even said he can't get over how much u turn him on for that to happen. He claimed it never happened before but now I wonder if that's just him lol

 

So when he literally finsined before it started from him just rolling on a condom I took it as a compliment. Never made him feel bad about it. Again we fooled around and he "took care of me" then later on when he was ready I returned the favour which he was fine with. But didn't push for penetrative sex. As I didn't want to add pressure.

 

So I do think he was just was too excited. Plus things was very new for us so it was still that exciting stage of getting to know each other.

 

But then the two ED incidents came when putting on a condom. This was something we couldn't laugh off and I know it really got to him. As I've mentioned he couldn't look at me or talk to me after the last time.

 

 

Thank you for sharing that story about that guy. That's the thing you just don't know what someone went through and why they may have ED or emotionally closed off. That's a really sad story.

 

Guess it is easier to fool around with a stranger than someone you care about. I know a lot of men feel like failures when they can't get it up and perform. A lot of pressure is on them to perform and feel like a man.

 

I watched a documentary about prostate cancer years ago. One thing the men struggled to come to terms with was no longer feeling a man after battling cancer. Luckiky the adavances in medicine has helped with that but still you see just how that is something that leaves a lasting emotional scar.

 

So for something like sexual abuse when younger or even older. It's something that will be an ongoing emotional battle for them. Sadly a lot of men especially find it hard to deal and talk about that sort of abuse so will probably go on surffering without seeking psychology help.

 

Thanks for sharing. Very insightful

[MaleIntuition]

Yeah, he was probably embarrassed and most likely stressed with performance anxiety. Typically you only get performance anxiety when you care about someone enough...

 

Exactly how did you guys break things off? Simply stopped talking to one another; no one initiated?

 

Reach out, see what happens.