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Am I A Mug?


AmyHershaw

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Almost six months ago, I ended my relationship with a guy who had problems controlling his temper, had continuous angry outbursts at me and kept having arguments with me over things which didn't need to be argued about. When I sat down with him and tried talking to him about it telling him it was hurting me, he just said he had nothing to say to me and then didn't talk to me for five days, so I ended it. He wanted to continue being friends with me after we broke up and I wanted to as well, but then we started acting like we were a couple again and his behaviour remained the same, sometimes being nice to me then having a go at me for all sorts.

 

Recently, he stopped at mine and when we woke up, he told me he couldn't get up until I moved like he often does. I went to the bathroom and got dressed, he was laid on my bed with his back facing me on his phone. I kept trying to talk to him, but he ignored me every time and kept his back to me. I asked him why he was ignoring me as I hadn't done anything and he said he wasn't going to tell me. I told him if he was going to continue ignoring me, I wanted him to leave as it was upsetting me. He then started crying and said it was because of mental disabilities (he doesn't actually know if he has any, he thinks he has). I just feel like I'm being a mug, because he keeps doing this to me and saying he thinks he has ADHD, he has mental disabilities etc and I keep giving him chances believing he will change. My mum has advised me to leave him and not have any more contact with him as I'm trying to make him happy, but he keeps doing this to me. It hurts, because he means a lot to me and I really loved him.

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Does it really matter what condition he has? He’s not bf material. You may think it’s cruel not to be with someone with his problems but the truth is it affects your life and emotional well being. And if you end up having kids with him, the nightmare becomes 10x worse. The fact of the matter is that this guy is abusive and they love to play head games.

 

I used to always try the ‘let’s be friends’ thing but it’s really nonsense and almost never works. Particularly with someone who’s cruel. Why do you want this nut job in your life? Do you know why some women are happily married and some are so miserable that they want to shoot their brains out? It’s because they were selective. Learn to be selective and dispense with all the garbage on your life. It’s a form of self-protection.

 

I’d recommend the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I think you’ll see that your bf has all the makings of an abuser. Steer clear of these people. I know you see the good in him but it doesn’t matter. He will ruin your life if you continue on this course. Your mother is right, btw.

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Does it really matter what condition he has? He’s not bf material. You may think it’s cruel not to be with someone with his problems but the truth is it affects your life and emotional well being. And if you end up having kids with him, the nightmare becomes 10x worse. The fact of the matter is that this guy is abusive and they love to play head games.

 

I used to always try the ‘let’s be friends’ thing but it’s really nonsense and almost never works. Particularly with someone who’s cruel. Why do you want this nut job in your life? Do you know why some women are happily married and some are so miserable that they want to shoot their brains out? It’s because they were selective. Learn to be selective and dispense with all the garbage on your life. It’s a form of self-protection.

 

I’d recommend the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I think you’ll see that your bf has all the makings of an abuser. Steer clear of these people. I know you see the good in him but it doesn’t matter. He will ruin your life if you continue on this course. Your mother is right, btw.

 

That's true, but whatever it is, I hope he consults a therapist or gets counselling as he needs to sort it out. He kept saying he thought he has ADHD or some similar conditions towards the end of our relationship, but six months have passed since then and he hasn't tried getting it looked at. I agree with you, the way he behaves isn't appropriate for a serious relationship. :( I just don't understand him when he says he doesn't want to lose me, yet he continuously has these outbursts with me despite knowing it upsets me. It has had an effect on my emotional wellbeing, I felt heartbroken and became depressed after I broke up with him, because he didn't make any effort to save the relationship and I felt like I wasn't lovable. :(

 

Yeah, I thought it would be nice to remain friends with him after we broke up, but I agree with you when you say it often doesn't work. I suppose it depends on the individual and how they treated you while you were in a relationship with them. I guess I got so used to having him in my life as I used to spend every day with him while we were together and he does mean a lot to me. :(

 

Yes, my mother is right. She has said I'm a rescuer and often try to make people who I know have problems happy, but I end up becoming unhappy and it then turns into a one-sided relationship. I do like to see the good in people and make others happy, I guess I should start focusing on my own happiness more.

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This is why it’s important to be selective before getting too heavily involved with a guy because it’s hard to disentangle. My guess is, your ex doesn’t want to figure out what’s wrong with him and he will never change. If you read that book, you’ll understand that guys like him do not change.

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