Male dumpees ever get back with female dumper?

[ccross3771]

I know there are plenty of these threads on here, but I'm posting a fresh one.

 

I posted my story in a different thread. I'm not assuming that we will get back together in the future, but I'm hopeful. But as of right now, its looking like its over.

 

That being said a few questions for male dumpees?

 

1) How long were you together?

 

2) Did you end things on good or bad terms?

 

3) What was the reason for your breakup?

 

4) Who broke no contact?

 

4) Did you ever get a second chance? If so, how long?

 

 

Hopefully there are at least some success stories, but I know the odds are probably slim.

[basil67]

Replying on behalf of my ex-husband.

 

Together for 7 years, including married for 4

 

When things ended, I didn't hate him.

 

Broke up because he became depressed, introverted, social anxiety and unwilling to go out and do fun stuff with me. I stopped wanting sex with him and had a couple of affairs. He refused my suggestions of counselling

 

There was never 'no contact' but I did move on fairly quickly

 

A second chance for him was never on the table. I gave him plenty of chances while still with him and he didn't take them.

[Normm]

Never got dumped although there were a couple of first dates I would have liked to see again that weren't interested.

 

 

Being on relationship forums such as this one since my divorce 10 years ago I've read countless stories of breakups mostly written by the dumpee and I can tell you this much: Every situation is different, it's rare that reconcilation ever happens and if it does happen it's even more rare that it actually sticks because the problems that caused the breakup never went away they were simply brushed under the rug.

 

 

In your case the odds of reconcilation are next to zero for several reasons.

 

 

1- She is clearly done and not interested in maintaining further contact with you.

2- The relationship was of short duration so there wasn't much invested, at least not on her part

3- The relationship went bad after a short period of time so it's obvious there wasn't much to keep it together long term. In other words, if you can't last 6 months why would you think you can last even a few years?

4- There are unaddressed issues within the relationship. It's clear that there is more to it than you continuing to vape and drink even though she repeatedly asked you to stop. Those issues are bad enough as it is- they are dealbreakers for many but in your case you seem to think they are the only issues and you can't fix what you don't know is broken.

 

 

I suggest you stop focusing on her and trying to reconcile, it's not going to do you any good. In fact, the few breakups that do reconcile happen when the person who is dumped starts to move ahead with their lives and the dumper has second thoughts once they realize they've lost the person.

[robbysurfs]

my ex of 2 years broke up with me in may of this year and we had some light contact and hung out a few times but ultimately it was over. I did try to reconcile but she declined my advances so I let go and moved on. Around early Oct of this year she reached out to me saying she missed me. We been seeing each other since. I will say this on my behalf a lot of trust has been lost and I find myself questioning her motives and still feel insecure about the whole thing. I am contemplating breaking it off and moving on because of the mere fact that she wants me in her life but does not want to take me back fully and acknowledge me as her boyfriend again because she is not ready. It is a tough situation. I would say really question your motives and know yourself and why you want to be back and also keep in mind what harm you may cause by rehashing something you are not certain about and really really try not to be selfish in this situation... ITS better to love then to be loved ITS better to understand than be understood...

[SevenCity]

Women rarely go back to guys they dumped. The chances they give are often covert - they don’t tell you that you are on trial and often have lost feelings before they dumped you.

 

They will often want to keep you in their lives and not lose your company or attention. This can stem from wanting to alleviate guilt or keeping you on the back burner in case the new guy doesn’t work out.

 

But usually, they will trial run a new guy and monkey branch to him for a safe landing.

 

It’s nearly impossible to get a woman’s feelings back once they are gone. If they do return, it’s usually temporary until they find something better. Moreover, correcting behavior is often observed as disingenuous because they feel it will go back to they way it was. Worst, it can be viewed as a manipulative ploy only to get them back.

 

Best bet is to take this as permanent and find a new woman who wants to be with you.

 

I foolishly put myself in limbo for three months with my ex of 7 years because she was different. She wasn’t, and despite all the sex and I love yous, she is permanently gone and I haven’t heard a peep from her.

 

Get a new woman.

[gcp]

I did and she left again for her ex. I'd suggest just moving on, get through the sucky part of the break up and you'll be fine man.

[Blanco]

R. Kelly's a piece of garbage, but there's a line in the song "When a Woman's Fed Up" that goes something like "And if you ever get her back, it will never be the same." I've found that to be true.

 

It felt great to get another shot at the time, but ultimately, the things that drove us apart originally were still there. All a second chance gave me was more time invested in a dead relationship that could've gone toward healing and moving on.

[Giraffe-A]

I had a rather unusual, once in a lifetime return from my now deceased ex.

 

Together for about 8 months.

He was my first BF. Don't remember begging and pleading. I may have, but it was left on good terms. He taught I was sweet.

He found a saucy Mexican girl with all the right things in the right places.

 

After about a month or two of me staying in touch with him daily, I finally let him go and not only went on complete NC, but I also moved to another city to help me forget him. May have been 3 or 6 months before he broke NC. Cells phones were not that big those days, and I didn't have a landline. He spoke to a few officer he knew and located me in the next town over. He showed up saying that when I left, he freaked out and missed me. By the end of that week I moved in with him.

 

I gave him a second chance because I was pretty surprised he would miss me over that hot mess. I was a chubby, little Tomboy with a big mouth and major opinions about life. We stayed together for 10 years until he passed away 17 years ago.

 

We talked about that girl some years later. He was very used to the hot girls but when I left, he realized that the hot girl had nothing of value to say. He had gotten used to my mind. Oddly enough, I envied that girl and did everything in my power to lose the weight and look pretty. I ended looking just like her. haha. My ex was not disappointed at all.

[preraph]

R. Kelly's a piece of garbage, but there's a line in the song "When a Woman's Fed Up" that goes something like "And if you ever get her back, it will never be the same." I've found that to be true.

 

It felt great to get another shot at the time, but ultimately, the things that drove us apart originally were still there. All a second chance gave me was more time invested in a dead relationship that could've gone toward healing and moving on.

 

That's absolutely true. Once you've lost faith or trust, for the woman, it's never the same. One incident sticks out. I'd fallen for this guy I was dating who was in the middle of a divorce. Then I found out he was dating someone else too, by accident, sitting behind them at a concert. Next time we had sex, he said it was his favorite time with me, but the whole time we were having sex, I was no longer feeling love or feeling anything except hurt. That really made an impression on me. I could never have that same trusting momentum with him ever again. Apparently I hid it well.

[SevenCity]

That's absolutely true. Once you've lost faith or trust, for the woman, it's never the same. One incident sticks out. I'd fallen for this guy I was dating who was in the middle of a divorce. Then I found out he was dating someone else too, by accident, sitting behind them at a concert. Next time we had sex, he said it was his favorite time with me, but the whole time we were having sex, I was no longer feeling love or feeling anything except hurt. That really made an impression on me. I could never have that same trusting momentum with him ever again. Apparently I hid it well.

 

Although an extreme example, this illustrates how once feelings are lost by a woman, they do not come back.

 

Men are different in this regard. A guy can often get feelings back.

 

It also has a lot to do with who broke up with whom....which is usually the woman dumping the man.

[gcp]

Although an extreme example, this illustrates how once feelings are lost by a woman, they do not come back.

 

Men are different in this regard. A guy can often get feelings back.

 

It also has a lot to do with who broke up with whom....which is usually the woman dumping the man.

 

 

I find this interesting. So my now ex told me her ex were on and off for the better part of a almost 2 years, she broke up with him more than once, he continues to weasel his way back in and she goes back to him. This most recent time she told me in what I thought was a heart felt letter than she was 100% not in love with him and she regretted ever getting back with him. Now shes back with him again. She does have very low self esteem and clinical anxiety. Maybe she just feels more comfortable with whats familiar even if shes unhappy?

 

Just noting I have seen it first hand where a woman who is the dumper continues to go back to an unhealthy situation.

 

What blows my mind is that this guy continues to want her back. Maybe both are damaged beyond repair.

[Chassit]

1) How long were you together? 5 years

 

2) Did you end things on good or bad terms? I absolutely despise the ****

 

3) What was the reason for your breakup? She cheated, lied, left me some wife stealing POS

 

4) Who broke no contact? We both did

 

4) Did you ever get a second chance? If so, how long? We went through a fake breakup that lasted a month or two. I did everything she asked to fix our relationship and she ended up doing nothing but lyoing to me.

 

 

 

I would never give her another chance.

[sb6052]

Happened to me a few years back. Oddly (but maybe not that surprisingly), while I was really affected when we first split up, when she came back, I was like totally over her and didn't even feel anything for her anymore. For some reason I accepted though but then I called it off permanently about two weeks later when I realized my feeling wasn't going to change. Sucks how that can happen but that's how humans work I guess.

[planb1973]

There was one in particular. Dated for 4-5 months, she broke up for no real reason a week after telling me she loved me. A year went by with little to no contact when she reached out to me wanting to have dinner, ironically I had just broken up with another woman that day. I go to dinner and she apologized hat in hand for breaking up the year before and wanted another chance. I did really like her so why not. 7 months later when I finally let my guard down that she wasn't going to run away again she began to sabotage it all over again. 2 months later she broke up with me again.

 

Coincidentally I talked to her last nigh for the first time in 2 years. I will never date her again.

[wtfhappend]

i origionally got my gf back the first time she dumped me. she dumped me for another guy, and i was instantly replaced , a week earlier we were with our kids having fun at the park,

 

i was shocked, her excuse was that we wernt serious. even though it was 3 years.

 

i begged and ass kissed for 6 months untill she came back.

 

we had a baby , had a home and rebuilt.

 

2 months ago she broke up with me again. she was always getting angry over everything. i couldnt keep up. now i am where i was 4 years ago. trying to get her back and to stop this.

 

i dont get it , how could you go through so much with someone just to keep leaving them over n over again. shes been talking to me. but i dono if its out of guilt or if she wants to reconcile. im so broken because its christmas and she just doesnt seem interested, breaks my heart

[SevenCity]

I find this interesting. So my now ex told me her ex were on and off for the better part of a almost 2 years, she broke up with him more than once, he continues to weasel his way back in and she goes back to him. This most recent time she told me in what I thought was a heart felt letter than she was 100% not in love with him and she regretted ever getting back with him. Now shes back with him again. She does have very low self esteem and clinical anxiety. Maybe she just feels more comfortable with whats familiar even if shes unhappy?

 

Just noting I have seen it first hand where a woman who is the dumper continues to go back to an unhealthy situation.

 

What blows my mind is that this guy continues to want her back. Maybe both are damaged beyond repair.

 

It could be they are both messed up, but she has not lost feelings for him. That's why she keeps going back.

 

Like I said, once they lose feelings, they do not come back. You basically turn into the guy they had one date with and did not feel a spark. You would not expect that girl to want to get back with you, nor should you expect a woman who has lost feelings to ever come back.

[manfrombelow2]

I agree. I learned this the hard way.

 

Although an extreme example, this illustrates how once feelings are lost by a woman, they do not come back.

 

Men are different in this regard. A guy can often get feelings back.

 

It also has a lot to do with who broke up with whom....which is usually the woman dumping the man.

[nolanola]

I broke up with my college boyfriend to go out with another guy. I was young and he was my first boyfriend, I though I needed to date around. I broke his heart. The guy I broke up with him to date turned out to be a loser and wound up cheating on me with his ex! That was about a few months later or so. Being the incredibly mature person I was at that time, I reconnected with the first guy and we got together again for another few years. The problem was that we weren't in the same place (he wanted to get married and I wasn't ready) and we broke up again. We stayed in touch for a long time until he met someone else and wound up marrying her. We have not spoken in about 10 years. I miss him a lot, he was (is?) a really great person and was my best friend. I didn't treat him well and I regret that a lot, but he seems to be very happy now, so I guess it worked out for the best.

 

I know a lot of people say that women don't change their feelings, but I think it really depends. I think, for a reconciliation to happen and to actually work, the two people have to have a lot of time apart. There is some reason the relationship isn't working in the first place. Could be due to timing or different priorities or whatever. A lot of times, even in an "amicable" breakup, there is hurt and sadness after a breakup. That has to heal and soften over time. But I've heard of tons of stories of real people who dated (or were married), broke up, and then got back together.

 

Here's a good one: a friend of mine was sitting next to this woman on a plane going to Europe. They started talking and the woman said she was going to see a man she had previously dated. Apparently, they dated in their twenties. The man was from Norway (or maybe Sweden? can't recall) but was living in the States. They dated for about a year before he had to go back home. This was the 90s and it was a lot harder to keep in touch over distance. They kind of petered out, although she still hoped it would work out. They stopped talking for a while (like 6 months of something) and she got back in touch with him only to find out he was engaged. She was devastated and they did not talk for about 20 years. Then one day she found him on Facebook and saw that he was divorced. She contacted him and they started talking again. It was like no time had passed and they decided to meet up -- she was on her way to see him when she was sitting next to my friend. So you never know what kinds of weird things can happen.

[somanymistakes]

I know there are plenty of these threads on here, but I'm posting a fresh one.

 

I posted my story in a different thread. I'm not assuming that we will get back together in the future, but I'm hopeful. But as of right now, its looking like its over.

 

That being said a few questions for male dumpees?<snip>

 

As the female dumper:

 

1) About five years

2) Mixed. It's complicated. He was obviously hurt and angry but we tried to stay friends.

3) I (the dumper) cheated.

4) We never had a 'no contact'. We always stayed in touch. Sometimes we were talking to each other less for long stretches of time. Usually it would be me who reached out again after absences but sometimes it was him.

5) By the time I got around to telling him that I always had and always would love him, he'd married someone else. It's complicated. We're working on it.

 

 

If you've heard that saying about exes who are friends, that either they were never in love or they still are? We're the "still are".

Edited January 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[brent878]

That being said a few questions for male dumpees?

 

1) How long were you together? - 10 months

 

2) Did you end things on good or bad terms? - very bad

 

3) What was the reason for your breakup? - Lot of fighting. Her wanting space from me.

 

4) Who broke no contact? - I did after 10 days.

 

5) Did you ever get a second chance? If so, how long?

 

Not only did I get a second chance, but I ended the relationship and she is still in love with me. It went from me chasing her, to her chasing me constantly. Wasn't easy, a lot of fighting, but ultimately, it worked. It all depends on the reason for the breakup.

 

If you cheated, if you were out of shape or she lost physical attraction to you, these are hard to overcome. If it's just tension or you're a bit pushy, time resolves these if she still respects you and wants you physically.

 

Womens' feelings can be restored. Just takes absence and them still thinking you're hot.

[frigginlost]

1) How long were you together? Which one? Every girlfriend I ever had that dumped me, came back. But I'll use the last one for the questions.

 

2) Did you end things on good or bad terms? Bad on her end. Didn't care on mine.

 

3) What was the reason for your breakup? Communication, and her thinking the grass is greener.

 

4) Who broke no contact? She did. 7 months later.

 

4) Did you ever get a second chance? If so, how long? Yes. 3 months.

 

We broke up again (this time I dumped her) because I could not garner any feelings for her.

 

I'm a firm believer that petty bullsh*t is not worth the anxiety it creates. A relationship is a team. If one person doubts that team for whatever reason, the team collapses. Once the team collapses the foundation is cracked forever. Some folks have been able to rebuild (and with a few I gave it everything I had to rebuild), but I kind of believe it's a waste of time. There are too many other good women out there to be found instead of being hung up on trying to get back one that was willing to throw it all away by dumping me. If any woman I'm with gives even a hint that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, I'll help them climb over it.

 

But that's just me.

[brent878]

<snip>

 

I'm a firm believer that petty bullsh*t is not worth the anxiety it creates. A relationship is a team. If one person doubts that team for whatever reason, the team collapses. Once the team collapses the foundation is cracked forever. Some folks have been able to rebuild (and with a few I gave it everything I had to rebuild), but I kind of believe it's a waste of time. There are too many other good women out there to be found instead of being hung up on trying to get back one that was willing to throw it all away by dumping me. If any woman I'm with gives even a hint that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, I'll help them climb over it.

 

But that's just me.

 

Amen brother. But how do you determine if they think the grass is greener? Is any amount of disinterest or going cold or quiet or slow fade indication grass is greener? Or are you saying if they make it clear they want out?

Edited January 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Happy Lemming]

I'll share one of my stories... I have many.

 

1) How long were you together? - 2.5 years

 

2) Did you end things on good or bad terms? - Real Bad

 

3) What was the reason for your breakup? - Her family (mostly her father) convinced her she could do better and deserved better than me. As an intelligent adult female I have no idea why she listened to them, but she did.

 

4) Who broke no contact? - She did, contacted me six months to the day after she dumped me.

 

5) Did you ever get a second chance? If so, how long? - Yes, we were back together a couple of weeks. She announced she wanted to take me on vacation to the beach. I, stupidly, agreed. We took her car and she left me 150 miles from home. She went to my home, used the outside spare key I had hidden and ransacked my house looking for something (who knows what, as nothing was taken) I should have moved my spare key after we broke up the first time, again I'm stupid. I had to take the bus home - six freaking hours on a bus, OMG!!

Lesson learned - If you ever take a woman back, keep your guard up, always have an out, never let them drive you anywhere - take your car. Be distrustful for at least a year!!

 

As "frigginlost" pointed out, it is very difficult to impossible to rebuild once the foundation of trust is fractured.

[frigginlost]

Amen brother. But how do you determine if they think the grass is greener? Is any amount of disinterest or going cold or quiet or slow fade indication grass is greener? Or are you saying if they make it clear they want out?

 

Usually it's a slow fade then the proverbial "let's take a break" route. I honestly believe in "gut" feelings and if you're truly "all in" with the relationship, you'll notice there is a change in the dynamic in how she interacts with you. Her body will be there but the connection between you and her will be off. Women (well, good women at least) put everything they have into a relationship with a man they truly love. As long as a man doesn't take advantage of that and gives just as much back, everything is in balance.

 

I knew something was at play because the connection between us was off. Women will telegraph their feelings if you're paying attention. I knew it, she didn't think I knew it, and she entertained what was coming from outside. She never cheated, but she started to fade. Right about then I started to back away and detach. I don't believe in competing for a woman. Fight for her, yes. Compete? Hell no.

 

So as pretty boy was feeding her lines, I was detaching. By the time she asked for a "break" my feeling was "fine with me". "Breaks" are breakups. No other way to state it.

 

I went dead silent. She ended up phoning me, we chatted, got back together, but my feelings were gone. That's her fault and the chance she took.

 

Haven't spoken a word with her since. She blocked me on everything from what I'm told, but I truly don't care...

[chillii]

Not that it matters l think op's left the building anyway so just for anyone else interested.

But l've had gf 's try coming back a few times , sayin they effd up or whatever.

And l know guys where she's tried to come back again and again.

One was married 20yrs, she effd off 5 times but because of the kids he kept taking her back but that was the last he finally told her where to go,

 

On the flip side back in the day l'm ashamed to say but l would often dump girls then change my mind but they were usually open to another go with some sucking up , umm..

l know , A/H but eh , l admit it.

But anyway so personally , l think it all depends.

Edited January 13, 2019 by chillii