Surprise visit?

[IloveJames]

Have you ever done it and did it go well? We have had 2 weeks of NC but I am dying to see him and apologize to him. He is ignoring me but has not blocked me.

 

I am flying to his state to visit him. I truly hope he seems how much he means to me and doesn’t find it creepy or desperate. I will try to be very mature, balanced and brief.

Thoughts? Experiences? I’m a woman btw and I technically ended things but regret it deeply and want to fix it forever. He is radio silent.

[d0nnivain]

What does you want to "fix it forever" mean? Are you going to divorce your husband & move a plane ride away for James? If not there is no fixing this relationship.

 

Are you really going to give up your CHILD for an man you describe as an alcoholic? A man who you already broke up with once. A man who moved a plane ride away from you so he could finally have a life without you, because you previously refused to give up your husband for him?

 

If you are truly all in & you are ready to kiss your kid goodbye, I suppose you have a shot at fixing things with James. Is he really worth losing your child over?

 

What I think is going to happen is you will get there & he will either not be home or will slam the door in your face, possibly because he already has another woman, even if she is a rebound. No matter what James does this will (hopefully) be the straw that finally breaks your husband's back & he will divorce you & fight you for custody. Your child will grow up with psychological problems because mommy abandoned her for some drunk.

 

I really didn't think you could make a bigger mess of things, yet here you are proving me wrong. Your poor child.

 

Please stop chasing James until you sort out your marriage & make sure your child is emotionally stable.

[Wallysbears]

Bad idea. He isn’t interested.

[Wallysbears]

And my goodness...think of your kid.

 

This is just a horribly bad idea.

 

Do you have a therapist? A pastor?

 

Someone to talk to about this?

[IloveJames]

What does you want to "fix it forever" mean? Are you going to divorce your husband & move a plane ride away for James? If not there is no fixing this relationship.

 

Are you really going to give up your CHILD for an man you describe as an alcoholic? A man who you already broke up with once. A man who moved a plane ride away from you so he could finally have a life without you, because you previously refused to give up your husband for him? {snip}

 

This is starting to feel personal. Wish I could get some other people’s opinions...

 

I am never leaving my child. I was left as a kid and know the pain all too well, hence I’ve been in my unhappy marriage for so long.

 

My marriage is done regardless of the outcome with James. It’s time to move on and it’s mutual.

 

James didn’t move away from me. He moved for 6 months for a job assignment so he can pay off a debt and then come back to me so we can build a future together.

 

I choose to try and save my marriage for my kid and dumped James. That was such a horrible mistake.

 

I’m not sure if he is a heavy drinker, a typical Sourtherer or a high functioning alcoholic. But we all have issues. I want to help him with his.

 

Maybe I’m delusional... I need to know and see in his eyes. If it’s over I will have to admit it’s over.

Edited December 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[IloveJames]

And my goodness...think of your kid.

 

This is just a horribly bad idea.

 

Do you have a therapist? A pastor?

 

Someone to talk to about this?

Friends are supportive, starting therapy tomorrow. I know I have issues. But I want to hear one positive reconciliation story after an in person conversation, stripped off of details.

[IloveJames]

Bad idea. He isn’t interested.

 

Do men ignore when they are hurt? I have turned from dumper you dumpee in two weeks.

 

If it wasn’t for my ugly talk, none of this would have happened

[BaileyB]

He's not responding to you for a reason...

 

Do you think he will feel differently when you show up at his door?

 

This is a bad, bad idea. How is it possible that he would not think you are desperate and unstable, you are ignoring his decision to be no contact. He's not going to be happy to see you.

[alphamale]

I think you're having a manic episode

[IloveJames]

I think you're having a manic episode

 

I think you might be right. It’s so hard. I’m guilt ridden and feel like my brain is on fire. He doesn’t owe me anything, but I owe him an apology and if I can get closure (or hope for reconciliation) - good. Either way, better than this torturing silence.

[basil67]

If you need to speak with him, then first get his permission to come and see him. Turning up unannounced or against his wishes is stalker behaviour.

[basil67]

ILoveJames, you haven't turned from dumper to dumpee in two weeks. You're still the dumper. Yes, it hurts like you've been dumped, but it doesn't make you a dumpee.

 

You say that friends are supportive. Thing is, support can come in many different forms. If a dear friend was going to make a fool of herself, would you encourage it or tell her how bad that idea is? Personally, I want a friend who helps me see reality, not tell me things I want to hear. I know you're blaming this on your ugly talk, but eventually he would have wanted more than a woman who's another man's wife. The chances of things continuing how they are would be about zero%

 

If you contact James, do not do it before lodging divorce papers. Show him that you are serious about being with him and him only.

 

Lastly, don't make the mistake of thinking that you can help him with his weight, alcohol etc. Only he can help himself.

[hippychick3]

Yeah, because the person who doesn't want to even take your calls will be thrilled to see you show up on his doorstep.

 

Worst idea ever.

[Wallysbears]

Do men ignore when they are hurt? I have turned from dumper you dumpee in two weeks.

 

If it wasn’t for my ugly talk, none of this would have happened

 

You are married WITH A CHILD.

 

Why is just flying to another state to pop in on this guy even on your radar?

 

What ABOUT YOUR KID?

 

What are you going to say about why you aren’t home?

 

None of this makes sense.

[BaileyB]

None of this makes sense.

 

It does if you consider that she may well be having a manic episode.

 

OP, best to keep that appointment with your counsellor and perhaps see your doctor. Try to let this guy go...

[Wallysbears]

It does if you consider that she may well be having a manic episode.

 

OP, best to keep that appointment with your counsellor and perhaps see your doctor. Try to let this guy go...

 

Very true.

 

I don’t understand those well at all.

[preraph]

What you're doing is a stalking maneuver. He doesn't want to talk to you or anything, and you know that, and so you're using that you want to apologize as an excuse to intrude and force yourself on him against his wishes. He doesn't want your apology. He wants you to leave him alone or he wouldn't be avoiding you.

[nolanola]

I am going to try to be gentle. This is a terrible idea. What will you do if you show up at his door and another woman answers? Are you prepared for that? What if he doesn't answer the door or ignores you?

 

I always think of that female astronaut a few years ago that was so obsessed with her ex-boyfriend that she put on a diaper so she could drive cross country to confront his new girlfriend. She became a national laughingstock. DO NOT BE THAT WOMAN. Think of a woman that you admire, that you think is awesome. This could be someone you know, a celebrity, or a fictional character. Would that woman drive to the house of some man that is ignoring her? NO. She would keep her dignity and leave him alone.

 

If you can leave him alone, it's possible he might start to wonder what happened to you and may reach out. But if you keep pestering him, you are going to get yourself branded a psycho. You do not want to be that.

 

I know you think people on this board are being harsh, but they are being honest. I know when it's you it's tough to see reality. All of us struggle with this in our own situation. But please trust that 90% of the people on here are being honest and trying to save you from a HUGE mistake.

[IloveJames]

I am going to try to be gentle. This is a terrible idea. What will you do if you show up at his door and another woman answers? Are you prepared for that? What if he doesn't answer the door or ignores you?

 

I always think of that female astronaut a few years ago that was so obsessed with her ex-boyfriend that she put on a diaper so she could drive cross country to confront his new girlfriend. She became a national laughingstock. DO NOT BE THAT WOMAN. Think of a woman that you admire, that you think is awesome. This could be someone you know, a celebrity, or a fictional character. Would that woman drive to the house of some man that is ignoring her? NO. She would keep her dignity and leave him alone.

 

If you can leave him alone, it's possible he might start to wonder what happened to you and may reach out. But if you keep pestering him, you are going to get yourself branded a psycho. You do not want to be that.

 

I know you think people on this board are being harsh, but they are being honest. I know when it's you it's tough to see reality. All of us struggle with this in our own situation. But please trust that 90% of the people on here are being honest and trying to save you from a HUGE mistake.

Thank you. I know you all have a point but my logic is a little different. If there is any option of fixing things I need to know now or just work on moving on. Hoping that one day he might come back is the worst scenario. I need to have some sort of closure. We never agreed on no contact. We were literally kissing and telling each other how much we love each other up until the fight. Can 20 min of ugly words destroy 15 months of togetherness? I don’t know.

 

I’m not an American, could be a cultural difference. When we are in, we are all in. When we are out. We are out. No games.

 

If he doesn’t want to keep me in his life, he needs to tell me, block me and move on. Not keep me as a FV friend and read my messages and not respond. This is cruel. He already knows I regret my decision and might be torn, confused, annoyed... all I’m asking for is a response of any sort. I do deserve that.

[BaileyB]

Can 20 min of ugly words destroy 15 months of togetherness? I don’t know.

 

I’m not an American, could be a cultural difference. When we are in, we are all in. When we are out. We are out. No games.

 

What you are not accepting is that he is all out. You may not be all out, but he is clearly all out. He’s not playing games with you - he has made a decision not to communicate with you. He has made a decision to move with his life.

 

preraph is right, you are using an “apology” as a reason to push yourself back into his life and impose upon him again. If you were really sorry, you would respect his decision to end communication.

 

Yes, 20 minutes of ugly words can most definitely destroy a relationship. The fight and the lack of communication is your closure. You need to move on.

[basil67]

We never agreed on no contact. We were literally kissing and telling each other how much we love each other up until the fight. Can 20 min of ugly words destroy 15 months of togetherness? I don’t know.

 

No contact doesn't need to be agreed on. If one person decides to cease contact, then it becomes no contact. We can't forced someone to stay in contact against their will.

 

Can an ugly 20 min fight destroy 15 months? Yes, of course. A single incident can have the effect of removing one's blinkers and letting them see a situation clearly.

 

If he doesn’t want to keep me in his life, he needs to tell me, block me and move on. Not keep me as a FV friend and read my messages and not respond. This is cruel. He already knows I regret my decision and might be torn, confused, annoyed... all I’m asking for is a response of any sort. I do deserve that.

 

He doesn't *need* to do anything. And as the dumper, you lost the right of contact when you dumped him so no, you don't *deserve* some final contact. If you are torn, confused or annoyed, you made it no longer his problem when you dumped him. If you don't like him following you on social media and not responding to your messages, unfriend him. The only person who can give you closure here is you.

Edited December 4, 2018 by basil67

[nolanola]

Ilovejames, can I present another scenario? What if you go to his house and he won't answer or come out? Will that give you closure? Because I think the idea that he is going to suddenly decide to sit down and talk with you is unlikely. So you could wind up going to see him and then being left in the exact same place (he's not talking to you).

 

I have been where you are and I think a lot of people on here have been there. We've done things we now look back with shame on. I drove to a guy's house because he wouldn't answer his phone. I would do a drive by after we broke up because I wanted to make sure he wasn't out on a date with someone else. One time he pulled up next to me at a red light -- I almost died of embarrassment because there was no reason for me to be in his neighborhood other than if I was driving by his house. I'm telling you these things because I deeply regret doing these things. This guy was not treating me well. He was verbally abusive and the relationship was so toxic. He too drank too much and had addiction problems.

 

I decided one day that I had enough and went NC. This was by far the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. It took me a year to start feeling like myself again. Today, I am totally over him. I don't hate him anymore, but I don't want him in my life and I can see how bad we were for each other. It took a long time. And you know what's crazy (and somewhat predictable) that once I had moved on, he came back. In fact, he sent me a long message with the apology I had always wanted. But by then I didn't want him anymore.

 

Please love yourself and stop chasing this guy. He does not deserve you.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is an incredibly disrespectful thing to do, OP.

 

He doesn't want to talk to you or see you. Don't intrude where you are not wanted. Showing up at his door, unannounced and uninvited, is likely to get you arrested.

 

Sound like a good plan?

 

You're a mother. Start putting the well-being of your child ahead of your own impulses and desires. Your child deserves better than this.

[Orokotikki]

You're not "all in" in this new relationship if you haven't divorced.

You say your marriage is dead regardless, then end it.

Otherwise this is all just some desperate act to keep the plates spinning.

So if you show up, and he's receptive, but then asks "So you got divorced then?"

You are just keeping your foot in the marriage door in case he rejects you (is how he or any guy will see it), not 'all in' at all but a desperate attempt to monkey branch from one relationship to another.

[stillafool]

I agree with Orokotikki, if you're truly "all in" does that mean you will file for divorce? If not, it's just more smoke and mirrors. Maybe you would have a chance with James if you show up with divorce papers then he's know you are serious. Closure can only be had by you, James can't give it to you. If you want different opinions than the ones you are getting here you'll have to try a different forum.