I want to try and Reconcile (very long thread)

[SMB1990]

Hi,

 

I'm new here and looking for some guidance.

 

This is a lot to read and Thank you for reading this.

 

I met a Woman online who lives 2 hours from me back in early August and we really hit it off that we ended up exchanging numbers. She always texted me in the morning and I would as well, however due to me having minimal work and her being a casual worker our texting would go on all day and night half the time (Yes, I know now that too much texting isn't good) so about a week and half I decide to ask her out on a date and set it up (I didn't want to rush into setting up a date so soon)

 

So was ecstatic about me and learning about me as much as I was about her my thoughts were "Is this for real? she's everything I've wanted in a Woman" and so on, we had our first date which was simple dinner on Thursday night, it went very well and we decided to have another date on Saturday (too soon, I know but she was wanting to spend any time she could with me and even asked to have that Saturday off from work where should could have had an awesome pay day)

 

So the usual texting continued and we had an incredible all day date on Saturday, we had breakfast, played games at an arcade & sat by the waterfront in the botanical gardens but I did help screw things up by the waterfront by asking if she wanted to make things more serious between us (again, I should not have said that and kept dating until she was ready)

 

but I backed right off when after I said that and she said something along the lines of not being ready but she also said it's good to see that I am a Guy that takes this stuff seriously. The mood calmed almost instantly and we continued to enjoy the day until I had to go, we kissed heavily at the bus terminal and we were both really enjoying each other and I could see she was genuinely happy.

 

during the time we were texting and even her bringing it up on the 2nd date she briefly talked about how she does have Generalised Anxiety Disorder & OCD (I think she might have Depression too but that's just me) and that she happy being single (that last one was only mentioned on the 2nd date)

 

We texted again until I got home and slept. the next day everything went downhill very fast, her Anxiety Disorder kicked in, She found out her Aunty had died and she was on the phone all morning trying to calm her BFF down after she had an argument with her own partner.

 

Over the course of 4/5 days she drifted away and I gave her space but we ended up exchange on a few texts and she brought up good things about me and how she's never had such a decent Guy in her life etc. and that I did make her happy. I also tried to help her with as I've gone through the same issues in my life and had an ex that went through similar things and I was giving her my support and she did appreciate it all but By the last day she said she needs to focus on herself and her work, I ended up up not responding and that was it, I figured it's done, I was upset but moved on.

 

6 days later she drunk texted me, drunk a whole bottle of vodka and told me she hadn't sleet for 50 hours, other things she said was that I was a plague on her mind, she felt she was doing me a favor because most Men don't want to deal with her ****, she got use to having just casual relationship/nothing serious, she believes she's not worthy of being loved/liked/cared for

 

But she was kind of sweet too, she told me how she felt about me and I ended up calling her and she sounded very needy and desperate for me, she wanted me to move down closer to her, she said "When I wake up in the morning and I look next to me and no one is there and I know it could be you" (she was already crying during the drunk call/text) and so we talked for 2 hours and decided to meet again a few days later.

 

We had dinner again and it was weird, we tried talking about things and working it out and she basically dumped me again (and there comes the part where I didn't keep my word) I texted her on the way home (Brother was driving) and I said "did you see my kindness as weakness?" she said no and I said I have to stop being nice to people (yep I continued to be nice), she said she understood that and didn't mean to hurt me etc.

 

After that I tried to make it work with her but ended up in an argument the next day with texting and I pretty much called her a slut without saying it but I did apologize and she got pissed off about it, I ended up leaving a voicemail and left it at that, later that night she called me and we both wanted to work it out, she said she would regret losing a guy like me as I'm a rare type, would want to see where we could go and that I everyday I kept ticking the boxes in what she wants from a Guy (even her BFF said multiple times "what's wrong with you? this Guy suits you so well!") and we both were feeling much better and wanted to see where we could go together.

 

So over about 2 weeks I didn't push to go on a date (Maybe I should have?) and we enjoyed texting and talking, she came back closer to me and was happy and again said a lot of good things about me and yet again that I tick all the boxes in what she wants from a Guy (also helps we had an insane amount of common interests, same style of humor etcl)

 

But at this point (I know too much texting) I started to get really weak, needy, desperate to please to her, putting her up on a pedestal. Her birthday was coming up and we decided to spend time with each other and have fun (I planned to make her birthday awesome) and all was well until she bailed out 2 days before her birthday, I felt exhausted, confused and annoyed by it and my level of insecurity went even higher and yet again didn't keep my word and continued to needy, desperate etc. like I said before. but also had self-doubt (it popped up once or twice early on) and started sounding like a real pussy. she said things like "I still get Guys texting me asking if they want to have sex and I say no to them" "I don't want to date anyone else" it left me a bit speechless.

 

The next day we exchanged some texts but she said she needed space and time to think (You guessed it, my Insecurities took over me) I kept quite most of the day but tried calling her late that night, she didn't answer an I tried again and believe she turned her phone off halfway through the ringing, now this went on for about 4 days where I was trying to get in touch with her and she never answered her phone, my emotions became unsure and In that time it was like I needed to know if she didn't want to have anything to do with me or not whilst also worrying about her (Anxiety Disorder, OCD stuff and that fact she's thought of Suicide in the past) I was a real mess.

 

She got back to me after a few days and said she wants to be single, I did something stupid by asking if she wanted to just be FWB and she said No and I tried to convince her (I've learned that logic doesn't work with Women only emotion) I also apologized and tried to explain my actions as previous break ups were never like this and it was stressful for me and to give me a chance. She was done with me.

 

I sent a funny text the next day but didn't get a response, I sent another about where I went wrong that I want to change, I don't want to be an insecure pussy weak guy, she was interested to know what my thoughts were but there was no reply after that.

 

I waited 5 days and sent a text reminding her off the good times we had...no response, I waited a week and just wanted to apologize properly for all the pressure and stress I put on her and I tried to call...

 

She got back to me around 2 weeks later and said that same thing as before about she wants to be single, focus on work etc. I asked her if we can talk even if its the last time to which she agreed...again she didn't answer the phone at the time she agreed on and hung up mid way through the 2nd call.

 

October 13thm the next day She tried calling me the next morning and said she left her phone at work and I straight up said told her that she must have switched it off when I was trying to call her so I'm thinking I caught her in a lie...I was willing to forgive and unloaded on everything I went wrong with and that I didn't expect her to take me back but I want to change, I can't prove anything over the phone but it was like she didn't care, I could tell she happily said "You ****ed it up" there was more I wanted to say but she said she was busy and I asked "Is this a Goodbye" she replied "Yes, This is a Goodbye", She only gave me 15 minutes we texted a few messages after the call and she said there's no point explaining **** and I ended it with "Forget about it"

 

I haven't reached out since then and it's now November 28th, won't be long untils been 2 months. during this time and starting I changed myself, I've continued to get fitter, get professional help with relationship issues, watched heaps of Youtube videos and purchased the 3% Man ebook and reading through it. I know in myself I have changed and take things like this seriously.

 

I realized one of the major problems was that I didn't keep my word, I should have tried to fix this sooner (and I allowed myself to turn into an insecure Guy) my Fear of losing her took over me and helped make the break up happen...I screwed up a lot more and it hurts everytime I realise that from reading and watching videos about break ups as this Woman was perfect for me, I told her she was everything I wanted in a Woman and was the best I had ever been with (despite her issues)

 

I've learned that I was happy before with not having a Girlfriend and that I was complete on my own but I wanted to share that with a Woman and that's the mindset I have again, I know I am a better Man but want and keep working on myself even more.

 

Since then I dated one other Woman that went nowhere and have chatted a handful of others, hell I might even have a date lined up when this one Woman comes back from interstate after helping out on the family farm.

 

I can live with the idea of never getting back to together with this Woman I was dating, I know it wasn't a "relationship" and was short term dating (she did say she wanted to date,relationship then get married)

 

Oh and something I remembered: She said cheated in her last relationship, said she wanted to leave the Guy for over a year but didn't, he apparently accused her a lot of cheating, ignored her, focused on gaming and his guitar, they didn't have sex for 2 months either. (I know, HUGE red flag)

 

But part of me wants to reconcile with her but I have these questions:

 

1. Should I bother? Should I Move On?

2. Should I reach out? I don't know if she blocked me

3. Can I reach out not coming across as needy?

4. How the hell can prove I've changed?

5. Has the 40+ Days since we ended communication a good way of showing I changed?

 

I'd like to note that I can move on without her and she's the only Woman I've wanted to Reconcile with as we did have a very strong connection unlike any other.

 

Again Thank you for reading all of this. It's a lot to read but I wanted to have as much detail as possible and wanted to get it all out of my system.

[d0nnivain]

Since you already bought it, you need to re-read that 3% book because you don't understand it's fundamental lessons.

 

1. You & this woman spent way too much time intensely texting before you even met. After college anybody who has the time during a work day to text all day every day with a stranger is off. That behavior alone is a red flag.

 

 

2. When you met you went from 0 to 60 at break-neck speed. When you asked for more serious on the 2nd freaking date & she told you that she wasn't ready and that she had serious mental health diagnoses, you needed to heed those cautions but you didn't. Even though she has mental health issues which have been displayed throughout this brief encounter, you completely ignore then & internalize all the problems in this mess as being your fault. It's not you. It's her & you can't fix it.

 

 

3. Depending on her size, drinking a whole bottle of vodka should have killed her! That is an obscene amount of alcohol. If she also hadn't slept for 50 hours, you have to consider that she's manic depressive. Again you are completely ignoring all the signs that scream she has mental illnesses which prevent her from creating meaningful, heathy attachments with other people. The biggest one is that she has repeatedly told you she can't do this! Listen to her.

 

 

Not talking for 40 days does not show you have changed. You haven't changed, btw. You are still clueless about this stuff & you are chasing a woman who is bad for you & who doesn't want you. Stop. Not talking for long periods is an indication that you have moved on or are at least trying to. So while you have been sitting her dithering, trying to figure out how to improve, you have completely failed to recognize that she was the bigger problem. Now you have to realize that it's unhealthy & unwise for you to chase a mentally unbalanced woman who does not actually want to be in a relationship.

[anika99]

Have to agree with the above poster. You are chasing an unhealthy relationship.

 

You barely knew this woman and what she showed you of herself wouldn't have been appealing to most men. The stuff she did and said told you a lot about her. All the "most men won't put up my sh*t" and complaining about never having a decent man and telling you that she cheated on her last bf was really her saying "I'm a train wreck, I have a drinking problem, I don't have decent men in my life because I am unhealthy and I choose men who are as messed up as me". Now most men would use that info to walk way but instead you went "yesss! I desperately need this toxic mess in my life!"

 

And now you think that if you work on yourself somehow you will have a normal relationship with this woman? Like how does fixing yourself, fix her? The thing is that I dont' think you even really care about the real her. You are just desperate to have her in your life so you overlook all of the red flags. You barely know her yet you are still trying to find ways to hold onto her.

 

It's great that you are getting professional help but that stuff doesn't work overnight. I think you need to take a time out from dating and by that I dont' mean a month or two, I mean like a year or two, and get your head in a better space when it comes to dating. Learn to get to know someone before you make any commitments one way or the other. Don't be willing to accept appalling behaviour just because you are needy for a girlfriend.

[PRW]

Not much for me to say. The others took the words out of my mouth.

 

You admit everything you did wrong,....and then kept doing it!! How screwed up is that?

 

The How the be a 3% Man is a great book,...but yea,...you need to spend a lot more time with it.

 

 

Yea, the woman might have issues, but they were so clouded by the things you did wrong it is hard to say where her problems and your problems separated. If you were doing everything right, then her issues would be clearly seen. But as it is there is no way to know how much of her issues were just simply triggered by what you were doing wrong. Yea, the heavy drinking certainly doesn't look good,...but the rest,...can't really say. But she didn't write in here, so we can answer her,...so that leaves you as the focus.

Edited November 28, 2018 by PRW

[SMB1990]

Since you already bought it, you need to re-read that 3% book because you don't understand it's fundamental lessons.

 

1. You & this woman spent way too much time intensely texting before you even met. After college anybody who has the time during a work day to text all day every day with a stranger is off. That behavior alone is a red flag.

 

 

2. When you met you went from 0 to 60 at break-neck speed. When you asked for more serious on the 2nd freaking date & she told you that she wasn't ready and that she had serious mental health diagnoses, you needed to heed those cautions but you didn't. Even though she has mental health issues which have been displayed throughout this brief encounter, you completely ignore then & internalize all the problems in this mess as being your fault. It's not you. It's her & you can't fix it.

 

 

3. Depending on her size, drinking a whole bottle of vodka should have killed her! That is an obscene amount of alcohol. If she also hadn't slept for 50 hours, you have to consider that she's manic depressive. Again you are completely ignoring all the signs that scream she has mental illnesses which prevent her from creating meaningful, heathy attachments with other people. The biggest one is that she has repeatedly told you she can't do this! Listen to her.

 

 

Not talking for 40 days does not show you have changed. You haven't changed, btw. You are still clueless about this stuff & you are chasing a woman who is bad for you & who doesn't want you. Stop. Not talking for long periods is an indication that you have moved on or are at least trying to. So while you have been sitting her dithering, trying to figure out how to improve, you have completely failed to recognize that she was the bigger problem. Now you have to realize that it's unhealthy & unwise for you to chase a mentally unbalanced woman who does not actually want to be in a relationship.

 

Haven't finished it yet but know already I'll have to read it many more times, I know and I wasn't use to it at first as no one had ever texted me so often but my thought was "just go with it" which obviously helped derail everything.

 

I know dude and I backed off after that and never suggested it again, I do remember the next say suggesting we take it slow and both agreed on it but then all the other problems showed up she became a priority to me which is bad move.

 

It was a large bottle,she even sent me a picture in the morning. Yes what you have said has crossed my mind but I got into the mode of trying to help/fix her because I use to have severe Depression, Anxiety & OCD myself, all are quite minimal now.

 

I feel I have changed, I've got on well with this other Woman but we can't date until mid next month as she's down south working on the farm, I like her but keeping my distance and focusing on me and she's really shy, I've was direct by setting a date plan. This other Woman I've talked about...My Life has gone on without her but I still have thoughts about her and wonder sometimes and that's why I wanted to tell all to someone and get their opinion.

 

I have a good mindset for improvement, I haven't finished the book but I've been watching more of CCW video's and learning, putting myself first, focusing on my goals, I've started walking tall, being friendly to all people, head up, no mumbling, not overpursing Women, working out but most of all....not to get attached even with Women I really like and keep my options open. So yeah I can admit I'm kind of stuck in limbo.

 

But I agree she is damaged goods. and I shouldn't have tried to be a hero and help her.

 

I'll be honest and say I haven't been in this situation before, I was in a relationship with a Woman with similar issues but she was medicated and pretty good but didn't our relationship didn't end this way and wasn't dragged out, I was all good after a few days and haven't been in contact since. Was also the first time I got the silent treatment.

 

Thank you for your reply.

[SMB1990]

Have to agree with the above poster. You are chasing an unhealthy relationship.

 

You barely knew this woman and what she showed you of herself wouldn't have been appealing to most men. The stuff she did and said told you a lot about her. All the "most men won't put up my sh*t" and complaining about never having a decent man and telling you that she cheated on her last bf was really her saying "I'm a train wreck, I have a drinking problem, I don't have decent men in my life because I am unhealthy and I choose men who are as messed up as me". Now most men would use that info to walk way but instead you went "yesss! I desperately need this toxic mess in my life!"

 

And now you think that if you work on yourself somehow you will have a normal relationship with this woman? Like how does fixing yourself, fix her? The thing is that I dont' think you even really care about the real her. You are just desperate to have her in your life so you overlook all of the red flags. You barely know her yet you are still trying to find ways to hold onto her.

 

It's great that you are getting professional help but that stuff doesn't work overnight. I think you need to take a time out from dating and by that I dont' mean a month or two, I mean like a year or two, and get your head in a better space when it comes to dating. Learn to get to know someone before you make any commitments one way or the other. Don't be willing to accept appalling behaviour just because you are needy for a girlfriend.

 

Reading these comments feel like another big wake up call, I didn't see her as a toxic mess as things were great between us until everything started going wrong. I've been angry at myself for allowing myself to turn into such an insecure Guy (was a bit to being with) but being with this Woman catapulted it to a high level.

 

Well...like I said my insecurities made it worse and if anything I'm working on myself since the break up and feeling better about myself, thing is that I've had a small feeling of want to reconcile but after reading these responses I'm having a lot of doubt in it...I've decided not to contact her in anyway. I need to work on myself so when/if it goes well with another that I don't make these mistakes again. Another way I've looked at this is that it's been a hard lesson in life and better that I know more now rather than later.

 

I haven't been needy for other Women, this one was the first that I've connected so much with and like I said it wasn't like any other Women I'd gone out with, yet I did get needy for this one because I saw her as catch and know myself people can change. If this was a year ago I could have blocked her after she told me she cheated on in her last relationship, I had a much stronger will back then but got weak over time.

[SMB1990]

Not much for me to say. The others took the words out of my mouth.

 

You admit everything you did wrong,....and then kept doing it!! How screwed up is that?

 

The How the be a 3% Man is a great book,...but yea,...you need to spend a lot more time with it.

 

 

Yea, the woman might have issues, but they were so clouded by the things you did wrong it is hard to say where her problems and your problems separated. If you were doing everything right, then her issues would be clearly seen. But as it is there is no way to know how much of her issues were just simply triggered by what you were doing wrong. Yea, the heavy drinking certainly doesn't look good,...but the rest,...can't really say. But she didn't write in here, so we can answer her,...so that leaves you as the focus.

 

 

Yes, the wool was over my eyes and it wasn't until I looked back at old text messages that I knew I screwed that up big time.

 

Going to read it at least 3-4 time by the end of the year but taking notes as well.

 

Best bet is to avoid Women with these problems and don't medicate themselves.

 

Thanks for the reply too.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, your biggest problem is that you don't appear to have a clue about what a healthy relationship or candidate for a relationship looks like. This woman ain't it.

 

You need to spend less time assuming all the blame and a lot more time figuring out what it is that attracts you to a such a messy person. She has significant issues that a man isn't going to be able to resolve for her, and nor should you try to assume that role in her life. You could be the most confident, secure guy in the world and not get a healthy relationship out of this woman.

 

But then again - confident, secure guys would have run in the other direction a long time ago. There is a reason she can't seem to maintain a relationship. You need to get better at identifying red flags when you see them and turning around and walking away. Don't be so desperate that you brush warning signs under the rug.

[SMB1990]

OP, your biggest problem is that you don't appear to have a clue about what a healthy relationship or candidate for a relationship looks like. This woman ain't it.

 

You need to spend less time assuming all the blame and a lot more time figuring out what it is that attracts you to a such a messy person. She has significant issues that a man isn't going to be able to resolve for her, and nor should you try to assume that role in her life. You could be the most confident, secure guy in the world and not get a healthy relationship out of this woman.

 

But then again - confident, secure guys would have run in the other direction a long time ago. There is a reason she can't seem to maintain a relationship. You need to get better at identifying red flags when you see them and turning around and walking away. Don't be so desperate that you brush warning signs under the rug.

 

But I learned from my mistakes, I have a much better understanding in what I should do if I'm in this position again. I never blamed myself 100% for the break up but I still played my part in it.

 

We had a strong connection and she told me about her mental health issues, I empathize with her and gave it a go as I have been been through anxiety disorder & ocd myself and broke out...I felt sorry for her. Otherwise I see mental health issues are a big red flag but most young Women these days have them.

[ExpatInItaly]

But I learned from my mistakes, I have a much better understanding in what I should do if I'm in this position again. I never blamed myself 100% for the break up but I still played my part in it.

 

We had a strong connection and she told me about her mental health issues, I empathize with her and gave it a go as I have been been through anxiety disorder & ocd myself and broke out...I felt sorry for her. Otherwise I see mental health issues are a big red flag but most young Women these days have them.

 

No, they do not. Your picker is broken if these are the type of women you're meeting, OP.