Can't get over my ex/is she in a rebound?

[zb19951995]

Greetings LS community,

 

So about five and a half months ago, my ex gf of nearly a year broke up with me (we're both 23 and out of college, started dating before we graduated). We had been very close friends in the two or so years before since we'd met as well. The relationship itself was very healthy, there were never any major arguments, issues, or blowups (just the amount I think is "healthy"). No infidelity on either side. Both families and friend groups were very accepting and loving of the significant other.

 

The only issues arose during the last two months we were together. We had to do LDR, but it was temporary and wasn't going to last more than 4-5 months maximum. Even so, it was about a four hour drive between us, so one of us would usually visit the other on the weekends. That was tough on both of us though, especially her. But it seemed everything was good, all things considered.

 

So again, this relationship was very healthy sans the struggles of LDR. We even started to talk about marriage (her more so than me, as I wanted to at least date for a full year before considering it and let her know. She'd bring it up here and there, not in a "when are you going to ask?" type of way but a "I'd love it if we ended up married and had X amount of kids," etc).

 

Nine days before she broke up with me, she called me late one night crying saying she missed me a ton, and would love LDR to end and for us to get married eventually. Very emotional, gushy convo on both ends.

 

Welp, just the next weekend, I drive up to visit her and she ends it, really for no well-thought-out reasons. The most I was able to get out of her was she needed to focus on herself more (which she said near the beginning of our relationship which kept me from asking her out sooner). Though she kept the door open on things by saying I hadn't done anything wrong, I was the best bf she'd ever had, and she wanted to try dating again after my commitments that kept me away from her city were through.

 

Well, fast forward just three weeks and she's already in a self-described "serious" relationship with someone she met off Tinder (she wouldn't post photos of him on SM, but they'd tag each other in cute **** and post cute messages on each other's walls, so she wasn't exactly hiding things). It hurt like hell, definitely worse than the breakup itself, but at the time, I just thought it was probably a rebound and went NC to work on myself and leave myself out of her new relationship. And here's where I get really confused:

 

So since they started dating, she's been oddly defensive on a few levels. About a month into their relationship, she found out I knew through a mutual friend and sent me a long, angry text saying I needed to leave her and her personal life alone and blocked me on all social media (no matter that she was posting all that cute stuff all over her SM's and I had never even made a comment to her about it).

 

(BTW, most of these mutual friends said they're surprised she broke up with me...her roommate she's know since kindergarten said she thought we'd end up married)

 

After my commitment that started LDR was over, I moved back to my place in the same city she's in. Around that time, I got a congratulatory text from her about it being over, but also got the same schpeel about how she still needs to work on herself and not being in a relationship (no matter that she even knows I know about the new guy).

 

Fast forward two weeks after that and I guess she found out from another mutual friend that I told that I still wasn't over her. She sent me another long, angry text, this time mad at me for not being over her yet.

 

I haven't heard from her nor tried to contact her since then, and that was about six weeks ago. She's still with the guy she met off Tinder (about five months for them now), but according to more mutual friends (we had a ton, if you can't tell), its been very unhealthy and he treats her badly, but she keeps on staying with him. In addition, when what would've been our year anniversary rolled around, one of her friends told me she went back and deleted all of the photos she had of me of her phone and SM.

 

Since we broke up, I've been trying to work on myself more and put myself back out there, but it's often backfired on me and made me compare other girls I've been on dates with that they're not up to snuff and the connection I had with my ex wasn't as good as the ones I've tried to create with new women, and in a way has just made me miss her even more.

 

So I guess I have multiple questions:

 

1. What the heck? Why suddenly dump someone who you say treated you like a princess and never did anything wrong?

2. Is there some part of her that's still not over me? She seems to get angry at the smallest things that include me.

3. Why tell me all these things and give me all this hope about getting back together, and then get mad when I can't move on?

4. Is this a rebound/GIGS/could she be staying with this guy, even though he treats her like crap, as a way to try and get over me? They're coming up on five months now and I have no signs she's going to dump him, if she hasn't already, so I'm starting to worry it may be serious

5. Do you think she might be feeling guilty about breaking up with me and moving on so quickly and is trying to justify it to herself?

6. Any other thoughts/ideas you may have are appreciated.

 

And PS, don't just tell me to "suck it up and move on" like half the people do on this forum. I certainly know that already and it doesn't help anything.

Edited August 19, 2018 by zb19951995
extra question

[SpecialJ]

You're 23, and it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. If she's gone from a healthy relationship with you to an unhealthy relationship, while being totally unstable in the way she's interacting with you (it's weirdly defensive for her to reach out to you in the ways that she does just based on hearing about you from friends), then something is up with her and what she believes she deserves in life. There's probably nothing you can do about that right now.

 

I could imagine a situation in which she wants you to "fight" for her and thinks you didn't, but really, if this is how she went about baiting you to do it... it would be thoroughly unhealthy if you did and would show her lack of maturity for marriage in the near future. You've been doing the right thing by completely respecting her wishes and boundaries.

 

More likely, she sounds kind of needy and afraid of being abandoned, and it was so hard for her to deal with the LDR distance and fear of losing you, that it was easier for her to sabotage things instead. I only suspect that because she's rebounded right into a bad relationship. And if that's the case, again, this is HER issue that she has to want to fix, and she's not going to be able to be a good, reliable long-term partner for you unless she does the work on her own.

 

I don't think you should "suck it up" and move on... but I do think you shouldn't wait around for her. The only way I see this moving forward for you two in a healthy way is if she comes back to you after a period of healing herself, and that's going to take a long time (if it happens at all), and is not something you should wait for at your age after only a year together.

 

Sometimes, it takes 6 months to 2 years of dating to get to know the "real" person, and it can come as a shock when it comes out. But once it does, you have to ask yourself, can I handle the reality of the current situation or should I consider moving on instead?

[SpecialJ]

Greetings LS community,

 

1. What the heck? Why suddenly dump someone who you say treated you like a princess and never did anything wrong?

2. Is there some part of her that's still not over me? She seems to get angry at the smallest things that include me.

3. Why tell me all these things and give me all this hope about getting back together, and then get mad when I can't move on?

4. Is this a rebound/GIGS/could she be staying with this guy, even though he treats her like crap, as a way to try and get over me? They're coming up on five months now and I have no signs she's going to dump him, if she hasn't already, so I'm starting to worry it may be serious

5. Do you think she might be feeling guilty about breaking up with me and moving on so quickly and is trying to justify it to herself?

6. Any other thoughts/ideas you may have are appreciated.

 

 

 

I think 1-5 probably are guilt-related, but shame and anger actually at herself for sabotaging things (or possibly for not actually wanting what was good for her and what she thought she should want).

[d0nnivain]

It doesn't matter if he's a rebound. You can't focus on her. You have to focus on yourself. For whatever reason -- valid or not -- she decided to end things with you. It does seem rather poorly thought out on her part but it remains her decision.

 

She has ended this. You need to deal with your grief about the loss & find ways to fill your days & weekends without her now while you heal until you are ready to date again.

[preraph]

I hate to be the one to burst your bubble. It's true you should be a good guy to people, including women you date. But that does not guarantee they will maintain strong feelings for you. You could be perfectly behaved, but if the spark dies, it's gone. You can't make someone love you. You can't prevent someone from falling out of love with you. You have no real control over that except just doing your best and being your best self. But tastes run all over the place and as you must know, not everyone is for everybody. If they were, it would be chaos, right?

 

It's not unusual to start dating right away. Doesn't matter if he's temporary or permanent. She's not coming back. She's made it clear, and I know you don't feel lucky, but you're glad she has made it clear so you can move on.

[Orokotikki]

Preraph is right.

You need to move on.

Discipline your mind to put her out of it.

It will help you feel better and make you more attractive to other women.

 

Also what is GIGS stand for?

[preraph]

Life comes at 23 year old people fast and hard, and not many people of that age are going to just sit there and let life pass them by waiting for a situation to change. That's it. It was too young to get married anyway. Don't know about you, but she's obviously got some living and exploring left to do. I wouldn't go to her asking for exclusivity, but maybe stay in touch every couple of weeks and just see if anything changes. But don't wait too long. You're young and it's a big world out there. Good luck.