I [26m] went on dates with my x-gf [21F]. Can't figure her out.

[leepetrus]

[Edited to add more info.]

[Edit 2 because I realized it became an unreadable wall of text. Shorted it down.]

 

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

 

[TL:DR Dated 6 months, broke off for various reasons. Met up last week, apologized, made out heavily and saw each other almost everyday until sunday, when she says she is totally confused because she sometimes hook up with some guy she met but it's nothing serious. I dare her to say she don't love me anymore but she says she can't bring herself to say it. Last date (Wedsneday) was a total disaster and things have been weird and haven't talked since then.]

 

We've dated for 6 months last year, but ended things on december due to various reasons: her jealousy and neediness issues and me drawing back emotionally during the last weeks of november due to stress during finals on pre-med school. When we ended things, it was on a pretty bad note. It was a huge fight for a stupid reason like picking a movie, and she left the house screaming and that was it. Yes, I was an ******* and I know it. Yes, I am lucky enough that she would even agree to meet me after that.

 

6 months forward to today.

I reached out to her monday last week so I could properly apologize in person, because I felt she didn't deserve it the way it went. She agreed to meet me. We talked for about 1 hour about our lives today and eventually we kissed, said how much we missed each other and how weird it was to be together again, because it feels like "nothing has changed" and it was so natural for us to be together. Went out to dinner that night, and afterwards we called each other and talked about general stuff until 4 am.

 

We went out almost everyday last week. She asked me what we were doing, because it felt like we were dating again, but we aren't. And she says is very confused, because she is still very hurt from everything that has happened, and she didn't see herself going back together anytime in the future, although she said she liked me. I just said "I know that you like me, and I know that you're hurt. Let's take things slow and see where it goes." she agreed. We made out heavily and she went home.

 

She admitted seeing a guy sometimes whom she hook up with, but said it's nothing serious and doesn't like him, but still is complicated. I just say ok, I can't force her to go out with me and like me, and I just want to see her happy anyway though it hurt. She started apologizing profusely, it wasn't anything serious, but she is so confused about her feelings,doesn't know what she wants right now" but it's scared to hurt me and doesn't want me to see things that aren't there, because she does not see herself coming back to me right now. Once again, I just stopped, held her hands and told her "Alright, but look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love me at all" to which she reply she can't. We called it a day.

 

On another day, she gets REALLY angry, and says that is very immature of me, and was not expecting this at all, and was very disappointed because she thought that things were going great, that maybe this time things would be really different, but it just showed to her that I hadn't changed at all and she was so sick of playing games. She says she wanted me to be natural, the real me, no games, just spontaneous. And that she was so upset about it, that now she REALLY didn't see us getting back together anytime soon. I apologized for that. She said things weren't over between us, but she was just feeling very uncomfortable and wanted to go home, then got up and left without kissing me.

 

I decided to go NC for 24 hours to put my actions into perspective and see where this goes. The truth is, I couldn't bring myself to talk to her because I felt so bad about what happened and now I am feeling super insecure because she said that she didn't see us getting back together anytime. Not only that, but there's this "hooking up with another guy but it's nothing serious" situation which makes me very very uncomfortable, though I try not to show it, and she saying that "she doesn't want to me give false hopes" Also, there are the moments when she finally gets comfortable and is spontaneous and it's her true self, kissing me and calling me baby but suddenly it's like she is just going out with some regular guy: she don't hold my hand, and when I say "we should totally do XX together" she just says "hahah" and divert from the subject. All of this non reciprocate signals make me insecure and unwilling to keep investing in her and initiating conversations.

 

What should I do, guys? Where am I standing right now? Because honestly I don't know. I'm scared to hell that I'm being used just so she feels good about herself and than will eventually let me go when she gets things going with the other guy, although I'd like to believe this is not the case from what I know about her character. I'd love to hear from you. Thank you for reading it until the end.

Edited July 27, 2018 by leepetrus
Unreadable wall of text. Shorted it down.

[preraph]

Here's what doesn't make sense. She says she's not going out with you, but she sure seems to be staying in with you and making out. It sounds like you two may have some personality conflict where how you are just makes her mad because it doesn't meet her expectations of how she wishes you were (and vice versa). That type thing is hard to get past. I mean, anyone can make out, but not everyone can get along.

 

Of course, you aren't comfy with her seeing other guys while she's making out with you, but obviously, you don't have a leg to stand on to make demands, but what you could do is stop making out with her and let her know it feels funny since she doesn't want to even say aloud that you're "going out" and since she's also exploring other options. I mean, you can set a boundary here, but yes, there's the chance it will only push her further away. You'd know that better than me.

 

I would consider dating other women since she's dating other men and you're still only getting along when you're kissing.

[leepetrus]

Here's what doesn't make sense. She says she's not going out with you, but she sure seems to be staying in with you and making out. It sounds like you two may have some personality conflict where how you are just makes her mad because it doesn't meet her expectations of how she wishes you were (and vice versa). That type thing is hard to get past. I mean, anyone can make out, but not everyone can get along.

 

Of course, you aren't comfy with her seeing other guys while she's making out with you, but obviously, you don't have a leg to stand on to make demands, but what you could do is stop making out with her and let her know it feels funny since she doesn't want to even say aloud that you're "going out" and since she's also exploring other options. I mean, you can set a boundary here, but yes, there's the chance it will only push her further away. You'd know that better than me.

 

I would consider dating other women since she's dating other men and you're still only getting along when you're kissing.

 

Thank you for your fast reply.

 

I forgot to mention the reason why she was mad. I didn't follow her on Instagram with my photography acc. When she asked why, I just said it was so I could grab her attention, to see if she would notice it at all. That's what pissed her off greatly. To her, doing this just to get attention is very immature. She also said that, before this happened, she was happy and very positive about we getting together, and thinking that everything would be different this time between us, but by doing that to get a reaction, I messed up. That's when I went NC.

 

About the personality conflict, it surely does make sense. I remember when we were dating, she never took initiative and always wanted me to go after her and called her, for example. It was tiring sometimes. And now that I think of it, that was one of the big reasons why we broke up. Back then, I took her lack of initiative as disinterest, but it was just her being herself. She never loved me less, nor she was disinterested, but it's just the way she's wired.

 

Since the messed up date (described above), I decided not to call her or send text messages at all to see her reaction. She just sent (tonight) a couple of messages to see how I was doing, what I was doing atm, telling me that she was with a friend trying to see the eclipse. I didn't reply.

 

Based on the personality (above) and the fact that I know she's not one who play games at all, I would like to think that these messages are not breadcrumbs, but she is hinting, like she did we were dating, for more contact.

 

We actually had a talk last week and decided to label us as "approaching again", so it's not like we are dating, of course, but I also can't wrap my mind around the idea of we just being casual because she said she was about us happy us getting close again and not being able to say out loud that she doesn't love me anymore.

Edited July 28, 2018 by leepetrus
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[ExpatInItaly]

She says it's complicated, but it's not.

 

She's seeing someone else and obviously likes him enough to not call that off and try things again with you. I can guarantee you she is waiting to see where things go with him.

 

Stop seeing her and contacting her. She isn't interested in a reconciliation at this time.

[leepetrus]

She says it's complicated, but it's not.

 

She's seeing someone else and obviously likes him enough to not call that off and try things again with you. I can guarantee you she is waiting to see where things go with him.

 

Stop seeing her and contacting her. She isn't interested in a reconciliation at this time.

Yeah, I think about that too. It really hurts me the fact that she might be seeing somebody else. But idk man, I don't think she would play around like that. Am I being naive?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah, I think about that too. It really hurts me the fact that she might be seeing somebody else. But idk man, I don't think she would play around like that. Am I being naive?

 

No, to be blunt, you're being willfully blind - she told you she is seeing someone else.

 

What is there not to believe?

[leepetrus]

No, to be blunt, you're being willfully blind - she told you she is seeing someone else.

 

What is there not to believe?

I worded it wrong. I know she sees this guy sometimes. I might as well go on dates with other girls. What I meant by it is that I'm inclined to think that this is just a fling and i can't be bothered by it.

However, like you said, I might as well be willfully blind right now. But what about all those things that she said, about being confused, and being happy getting close again?

[ExpatInItaly]

I worded it wrong. I know she sees this guy sometimes. I might as well go on dates with other girls. What I meant by it is that I'm inclined to think that this is just a fling and i can't be bothered by it.

However, like you said, I might as well be willfully blind right now. But what about all those things that she said, about being confused, and being happy getting close again?

 

Words mean nothing without actions to support them, my friend.

 

She is saying all kinds of things, but she's not actively trying to work it out with you either. That's all that matters. Whether or this other guy is a fling isn't totally relevant, either. She's still exploring other options and not focusing on you.

Edited July 28, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[leepetrus]

Words mean nothing without actions to support them, my friend.

 

She is saying all kinds of things, but she's not actively trying to work it out with you either. That's all that matters. Whether or this other guy is a fling isn't totally relevant, either. She's still exploring other options and not focusing on you.

You are right. I invited her to hang out tomorrow, but I think I'll send her a message telling her that I am very uncomfortable with this fwb situation and it's better if we just backed off for a while.

[leepetrus]

Just called her. I said it's better if we ended things and each of us went our own way because I couldn't put up with this situation. We ended on a good note this time. I just said I was sorry I was so sudden but we couldn't go on like this and I wanted to be able to move on with my life while she could do whatever she thought it was right.