Back with Ex After 2 years, but...

[BenDamage]

So this is a bit complicated to explain, but the long and short of it is that my ex broke it off with me about 2 years ago because we were extremely rocky. She and I had a polyamorous relationship because she was married and open. Shortly after she split with me, she also split with her husband because they too were not doing very well and got a divorce.

 

2 weeks after our break up she was seeing someone new, an old friend of hers from high school from years ago that apparently has a had a thing for her for years and even moved from another state just to be with her. She moved in within a few months of her husband leaving.

 

I had limited contact with her over the past 2 years and she would never meet up with me because she knew she still had feelings for me. The tricky part is that she finally agreed to see me and we just fell right back into our old ways and we're techincally "dating" again. She calls me her boyfriend and I call her my girlfriend. She likes to say that we have a connection that she hasn't felt with any other man and can't seem to stay away from. The hard part is is that she is still with her new guy.

 

They've had a two year relationship that apparently has been perfectly fine with no real issues, and yet here I am.Why I'm on this forum right now is because I'm having a hard time enjoying myself with her like I used to. We dated for 4 years in this polyamorous relationship and never thought twice about it. But now that I've matured a bit since then and our break-up made me change my frame of mind,

 

I'm struggling controlling my anxiety when I'm around her because I know she really likes the guy that she's with even if they have their ups and downs and despite the fact that I do things for her that apparently he has never done (play with her hair, reaffirm her silly nature, missionary) and has even said that she is still open to marrying him in the future.... BUT, she is perfectly fine with seeing me on the side for years and years to come.

 

I was doing fine for a while, but she started telling me about how they had been fighting lately and because I was back in her life her feelings had shifted a bit. She had told him she apparently loves him, but isn't IN love with him.

 

She told him she would be open to polyamory which he is vehemently against and was shocked that she brought it up.... She has even threatened to kick him out because of the fighting lately, and entertained my ideas of moving in.... But apparently lately he's been doing a lot better and doing sweet things and trying to fix it, even told her he'd keep fighting for her and she's letting him stay and even toying with the idea of marrying him (she says not anytime soon, but she's not opposed to the idea in the future)

 

So now I've kind of withdrawn again because I had gotten my hopes up just to get them shot down again. I want to be with her because I genuinely have strong feelings for her and never loved someone the way I love her. But the way she words it, she agreed to be in this relationship with me because I agreed to being okay with being the affair. At first I thought I was fine with it because it's pretty much exactly like what we used to have aside from the new guy not knowing about me, but now I'm realizing I don't like being the side-piece.

 

I don't like knowing there's another man in her life that she loves and gets to sleep in her bed every night. But I can't drag myself away because I'm afraid if I walk away, it'll do more harm than good for me at this point. I know the obvious advice and what most of you will say.

 

It just helps to get it off my chest and and get unbiased opinions on the situation.

Edited July 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beachead]

Ofcourse you don't feel good thinking about her having another man in her bed. Who would?

 

Forget the term "Polyamorous Relationship." Look at that this for what it is; She's cheating on the guy with you. She was in an open marriage. The only reason she "Loves" you is because she's getting a sweet deal here. When she gets bored or tired, she just jumps to other guy. When she gets bored or tired of him, she jumps to you. She doesn't have to commit but she gets 100% from everyone.

 

Her actions have shown that she is incapable of committing to one man, yet you seek exclusivity with her. You're playing with fire my friend. I bet you're hoping you'd be the man to "tie" her down. The thing is she has practiced herself into a behaviour of having multiple men, non-committal relationships in her life for years and she justifies it as okay. For her and you to be together, she has to change. Changing habits/lifestyle/behaviour takes a LONG time.

 

A person must first acknowledge they are doing something wrong. Then they have to want to change what they see is wrong to a behaviour they desire to achieve. The last part is the hardest. They have to get in there and work hard at correcting themselves. They're going to slip up and make mistakes and they're going to have to catch themselves when they do and correct. This is going to happen a lot. It takes a long time.

 

Can you trust her OP?

 

If she does commit to you, how will you even know she won't do to you what she's doing to this other guy right now? If she does commit to you and she ends up doing this, how can you even blame her or get angry when you already knew who she was? All that suffering and damage you'll incur will be your doing, you'll have no one to blame, and that will be the worst part.

 

Your anxiety is what's making you feel like you'll be worse off if you leave her but I'm willing to bet you won't be. You just need see this for what it is. If I were you, I'd grab my self-respect and leave this.

 

- Beach

Edited July 23, 2018 by Beachead