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Should I befriend her in order to get back together? ***Updated***


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Little backstory: I met this girl back in November. We talked for 3 months before meeting, and when we met, I instantly asked her to be my girlfriend. We dated for two months & had an incredible bond and we both admitted that we were each others first love and first real relationships. Things went south when I became to insecure and lacked too much confidence to the point where she broke up with me.

 

We spoke for two months after the breakup (hooking up once) and things were going on the right to getting back together, until I had a mental breakdown and I scared her off. We have been in contact here and there and I asked if she wanted to go to an event with me and she agreed but asked me "are you trying to get me back?" I said I'm not looking for a relationship right now and she said "ok good" (Truth is I would do anything to get her back)

 

So my question is, do I become friends with her in order for her to trust me, and feel that connection again or is this a bad idea? She has seemed clear that she doesn't want to get back together, but she always initiates conversation, and even said how much she misses me last month. Also this event is August 20th, we haven't seen each other since May.

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Lotsgoingon

Basically always assume that partners do NOT want to get back together.

 

If she wanted to get back together, she would contact you and tell you that.

 

She's in a touch position because you had your psychological problems, so she most likely is being supportive when she says she misses you.

 

Being friends with her will not work. You'll just torture yourself ... but hey, you might need to share your psychological journey with someone ...

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I'm not sure I understand the "I had a mental breakdown and I scared her off." Could you elaborate? Because, I think that's important in order to understand the context here.

 

That being said, I think it's a poor decision to try to be friends with the goal of getting back together with her. I don't think she would appreciate knowing those were your intentions. I am a firm believer in laying it all on the line. I would tell her something along the lines of "I'm not interested in a friendship with you, only a romantic relationship." When she says she's not interested you simply reply with. "Good luck, it was great knowing you. Let me know if you ever change your mind." Then disappear forever unless she contacts you.

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ExpatInItaly

It sounds like she already Friend Zoned you and doesn't want to date you again. She doesn't see the harm in keeping up a friendship because she thinks that's all you now want, too. If she knew you wanted her back, I don't think she would be as keen to keep talking to you.

 

It would be best to let her go and not attend this event together.

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Little backstory: I met this girl back in November. We talked for 3 months before meeting, and when we met, I instantly asked her to be my girlfriend. We dated for two months & had an incredible bond and we both admitted that we were each others first love and first real relationships. Things went south when I became to insecure and lacked too much confidence to the point where she broke up with me.

 

We spoke for two months after the breakup (hooking up once) and things were going on the right to getting back together, until I had a mental breakdown and I scared her off. We have been in contact here and there and I asked if she wanted to go to an event with me and she agreed but asked me "are you trying to get me back?" I said I'm not looking for a relationship right now and she said "ok good" (Truth is I would do anything to get her back)

 

So my question is, do I become friends with her in order for her to trust me, and feel that connection again or is this a bad idea? She has seemed clear that she doesn't want to get back together, but she always initiates conversation, and even said how much she misses me last month. Also this event is August 20th, we haven't seen each other since May.

 

 

What you did is on you but forget her now it's just ruined! Don't even consider anything at this moment will ever be a lasting one. Not saying it couldn't happen but you back out for a reason. Mental or not you did it and you make it stick. She on the other hand might have issues as well everyone does. Don't call her ever again, if you do that's on you, don't say you weren't warn to back off and run! Because that's what you did with your mental issue you had back off and run away from her. You should have kept it that way!

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You threw two whammies at her in a short period of time, both of these are because of you and your emotional/psychological issues. She's not going down that path for a third time. Maybe she's giving you affirmative responses and even reaching out due to genuine concern and not wanting to push you further down the rabbit hole, but I think as far as a relationship, she's finished.

 

You need to work on whatever issues are causing such meltdowns. The fact that you had a "mental breakdown" suggests you have some issues you need to tackle before dating and relationship.

 

You can certainly explore a friendship with her, but your motivation is to get back together with her, and because she's not interested in you, this can become a very painful process, as you exist in the friendzone for her. Maybe in time, trust in you and your emotional stability will change, but I wouldn't hold my breath on this. You made your bed and now you must lie in it. Have a better grasp of yourself so you don't repeat this behavior with future women, but with this one, it's probably too little too late. I think exploring a friendship with hopes of more is just going to kick you, as she very likely doesn't want another repeat.

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Your being dishonest with her, that will scare her away.

 

Look after yourself first before getting into relationships.

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I'm not sure I understand the "I had a mental breakdown and I scared her off." Could you elaborate? Because, I think that's important in order to understand the context here.

 

That being said, I think it's a poor decision to try to be friends with the goal of getting back together with her. I don't think she would appreciate knowing those were your intentions. I am a firm believer in laying it all on the line. I would tell her something along the lines of "I'm not interested in a friendship with you, only a romantic relationship." When she says she's not interested you simply reply with. "Good luck, it was great knowing you. Let me know if you ever change your mind." Then disappear forever unless she contacts you.

 

Pretty much I was pleading and begging her to talk to me and not leave me. I guess I made her feel responsible for all my unhappiness. It was too much for her to handle

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Pretty much I was pleading and begging her to talk to me and not leave me. I guess I made her feel responsible for all my unhappiness. It was too much for her to handle

 

 

Ok, I just wanted to make sure it wasn't some sort of psychotic episode or medical event. What you have done is make yourself incredibly weak in her eyes. Women hate that sort of behavior. You need to work on yourself to figure out why you are so emotional and insecure.

 

My previous post still stands. You man up and tell her that you only have romantic feelings and that you don't want her as a friend, because let's be honest - a friendship is only going to hurt you. Just imagine how you'll feel when you are in the friend zone and she tells you about the new guy she's seeing. You don't want to go down that road.

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You just lied to her...and when you find the moment to tell her you want her back, she's going to hate you for lying about it.

 

 

She gave you a couple of chances...it's done, now move on and let her be.

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Eric you strike me as a very selfish individual. Perhaps that's why she broke up with you? Now before you say "I'm not selfish why do you say that!?" let me point it out to you. She has made it clear she does not want to be your girlfriend, and rather than accepting her wishes, you make it ALL about what YOU want. First you beg and plead. What will that accomplish? Even if she came back (and it wouldn't be for long) she'd be doing it because she feels sorry for YOU. You're attitude is: "I want her as my girlfriend it doesn't matter what SHE wants!. How can I get her back should I keep lying to her and manipulate her since begging and pleading didn't work?". ME ME ME.

 

If you continue with your selfish attitude you'll never meet or keep anyone who has an ounce of self respect. They won't put up with your nonsense. A good relationship is all about compromise, and putting the other persons needs on par with your own, maybe even ahead of your own. You are clearly not in a position to do that, so work on yourself for as long as it takes to better yourself so you can put more into a relationship. Otherwise you're just wasting your own time as well as any girl who has the misfortune to come your way.

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Eric you strike me as a very selfish individual. Perhaps that's why she broke up with you? Now before you say "I'm not selfish why do you say that!?" let me point it out to you. She has made it clear she does not want to be your girlfriend, and rather than accepting her wishes, you make it ALL about what YOU want. First you beg and plead. What will that accomplish? Even if she came back (and it wouldn't be for long) she'd be doing it because she feels sorry for YOU. You're attitude is: "I want her as my girlfriend it doesn't matter what SHE wants!. How can I get her back should I keep lying to her and manipulate her since begging and pleading didn't work?". ME ME ME.

 

If you continue with your selfish attitude you'll never meet or keep anyone who has an ounce of self respect. They won't put up with your nonsense. A good relationship is all about compromise, and putting the other persons needs on par with your own, maybe even ahead of your own. You are clearly not in a position to do that, so work on yourself for as long as it takes to better yourself so you can put more into a relationship. Otherwise you're just wasting your own time as well as any girl who has the misfortune to come your way.

 

I understand what you are saying, but let me defend myself a bit. First off the reason I'm not moving on yet is because I don't believe her when she says she doesn't want me back. She has no idea what she wants in life and is very immature in that sense. In the past month she has went from crying saying she misses me, to saying she is taking a month off from talking to guys, to hooking up with a drug dealer, and now being my friend again. She does all the initiating when talking and always tells me personal intimate things. I truly believe she is afraid to fall for me again, but us hanging out and her seeing the new me will change that.

 

On top of that, if we do agree to be friends, I would feel the situation out and never make her uncomfortable. If I can tell she doesn't have any feelings for me or interest in that way, then I will respect it and move on, but we need to go out in person to see where we stand.

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What you have done is make yourself incredibly weak in her eyes. Women hate that sort of behavior.

 

 

I agree with this.

 

 

OP when you appear weak in the eyes of a woman it cannot be reversed ever.

 

 

 

She confines in you and tell you all of her little stuff because she is using you as an emotional sponge. She behave with you the way a woman behave with her BFF. If she wanted to get back to you she would never tell you who she hooks up with. That's girl to girl confidence. Sorry you've become her girlfriend now.

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I agree with this.

 

 

OP when you appear weak in the eyes of a woman it cannot be reversed ever.

 

 

 

She confines in you and tell you all of her little stuff because she is using you as an emotional sponge. She behave with you the way a woman behave with her BFF. If she wanted to get back to you she would never tell you who she hooks up with. That's girl to girl confidence. Sorry you've become her girlfriend now.

 

I guess I am just using the "you have to be in it to win it" mentality. In other words, if I'm still in her life, there is still a very slim chance of her getting back with me while if I cut her off completely, then it is 100% over.

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OatsAndHall

No... Just no... Regardless of the circumstances surrounding your break-up, putting yourself in the Friend-Zone in an attempt to win someone back is honestly creepy behavior. You're essentially lying about the entire premise of your "friendship" with her and she will figure it out quickly if she has any common sense.

 

 

 

And, if she struggles to clue in on your behavior, I guarantee her significant other will and you'll cause problems for her relationship.

 

 

 

Grow up and move on.

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No... Just no... Regardless of the circumstances surrounding your break-up, putting yourself in the Friend-Zone in an attempt to win someone back is honestly creepy behavior. You're essentially lying about the entire premise of your "friendship" with her and she will figure it out quickly if she has any common sense.

 

 

 

And, if she struggles to clue in on your behavior, I guarantee her significant other will and you'll cause problems for her relationship.

 

 

 

Grow up and move on.

 

I don't see how it's "creepy" we used to be so happy and in love, how does she expect no lingering feelings? Who is to say being with me won't bring back her old feelings? The last time we went out, we wound up making out & hooking up. At the end of the night we kissed and she said we felt like a couple. Who's to say that magic is gone? Doesn't time apart make the heart grow fonder?

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Everyone seems to think if they walk that is the complete end....no being too available will be your demise. Out of their life means you are strong, and have confidence, which is attractive to a woman. So to make yourself desirable is to be less available. Being an orbiter is the kiss of death.

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I guess I am just using the "you have to be in it to win it" mentality. In other words, if I'm still in her life, there is still a very slim chance of her getting back with me while if I cut her off completely, then it is 100% over.

 

As smackie explained it's the contrary. It take strenght to walk away when we love someone, it's your weakness that keeps you around. You have more chances of winning her back by leaving. She will start thinking of the good moments and start missing you. If you stay you're the BFF and the occasion hook up. Then you'll see her move on with someone else. Mark my word, in a short time she will start telling you about having a crush on someone else.

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Everyone seems to think if they walk that is the complete end....no being too available will be your demise. Out of their life means you are strong, and have confidence, which is attractive to a woman. So to make yourself desirable is to be less available. Being an orbiter is the kiss of death.

 

I tried walk away and told her I can't be her friend in the past. We stopped talking for a week, but she came running back like always. Once we go no contact we only last a week, until she breaks it. Plus I'm not sure entirely what I want. I would love for her to be my girlfriend again, but at the same time friends with benefits wouldn't kill me either. Than on top of that I have very few friends so maybe even that's the path to go. She literally is my best friend

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I tried walk away and told her I can't be her friend in the past. We stopped talking for a week, but she came running back like always. Once we go no contact we only last a week, until she breaks it. Plus I'm not sure entirely what I want. I would love for her to be my girlfriend again, but at the same time friends with benefits wouldn't kill me either. Than on top of that I have very few friends so maybe even that's the path to go. She literally is my best friend

 

You said it all right there in the end. Sometimes we men just have to deal with the situation on hand, as the girl we like to be with just can't cope anymore than we had hope. She gives you some and holds back. She comes around then runs away then turns around back and runs to you. Well if you up to this lifestyle then so be it. I am not one to judge I have something like that going on with me and the woman I met last year at work. No one wants to be on their own or lonely. I know she doesn't want that. Sometimes they get scare and need us men. So just wait and see what happens, as down the line you just don't know what she'll do next. I say this for both of us. Good luck to you my friend!

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You said it all right there in the end. Sometimes we men just have to deal with the situation on hand, as the girl we like to be with just can't cope anymore than we had hope. She gives you some and holds back. She comes around then runs away then turns around back and runs to you. Well if you up to this lifestyle then so be it. I am not one to judge I have something like that going on with me and the woman I met last year at work. No one wants to be on their own or lonely. I know she doesn't want that. Sometimes they get scare and need us men. So just wait and see what happens, as down the line you just don't know what she'll do next. I say this for both of us. Good luck to you my friend!

 

Thanks man best of luck to you too. That's why I want to keep that door open. She is very flaky and today's "I don't want to get back together" could be next weeks "I miss you and want you back". Plus like I said she is my best friend, so I can't just give her up and say don't contact me again.

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Your issue is actually more about your desire for instant intimacy without a proper foundation

 

Upon meeting each other you & she became BF / GF. You should not have done that. You should have dated & gotten to know each other.

 

You talk about being each other's first loves. Rubbish. You can't love somebody you don't know. All the talking & texting & whatever else you were doing during that 3 month period before you met doesn't count. You need time -- months -- of getting to know somebody before you can truly say you love them. The intense feelings you were experiencing were lust & infatuation.

 

Now you call her your best friend. Again, you are attaching a deep meaning to a superficial connection. You haven't even seen this woman for 2 months. Plus you are lying to her. You told her that you don't want to be in a relationship when you are actually trying to convince her to go to this event with you in August hoping that you can win her back as your GF. You cannot build a solid lasting relationship on a foundation of deception.

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ExpatInItaly
Your issue is actually more about your desire for instant intimacy without a proper foundation

Upon meeting each other you & she became BF / GF. You should not have done that. You should have dated & gotten to know each other.

 

You talk about being each other's first loves. Rubbish. You can't love somebody you don't know. All the talking & texting & whatever else you were doing during that 3 month period before you met doesn't count. You need time -- months -- of getting to know somebody before you can truly say you love them. The intense feelings you were experiencing were lust & infatuation.

 

Now you call her your best friend. Again, you are attaching a deep meaning to a superficial connection. You haven't even seen this woman for 2 months. Plus you are lying to her. You told her that you don't want to be in a relationship when you are actually trying to convince her to go to this event with you in August hoping that you can win her back as your GF. You cannot build a solid lasting relationship on a foundation of deception.

 

All of the above, especially the bolded.

 

In kindness and with due respect, you need to emotionally mature, OP. You are building glass castles in the sky with this girl. This is not the foundation of a lasting relationship. You need to work on developing your relationship skills, and this girl is not the one you'll really do it with.

 

You and she both have a lot of growing up to do. The relationship you describe and the ensuing breakup are high-school-level in terms of viability and maturity.

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All of the above, especially the bolded.

 

In kindness and with due respect, you need to emotionally mature, OP. You are building glass castles in the sky with this girl. This is not the foundation of a lasting relationship. You need to work on developing your relationship skills, and this girl is not the one you'll really do it with.

 

You and she both have a lot of growing up to do. The relationship you describe and the ensuing breakup are high-school-level in terms of viability and maturity.

 

I understand we are both emotionally immature, but why can't we work and grow together? I don't know if I can live with my self knowing that the last time I saw her, we were making out and looking to get back together and I didn't at least give one last ditch effort to see where we are at

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I understand what you are saying, but let me defend myself a bit. First off the reason I'm not moving on yet is because I don't believe her when she says she doesn't want me back. She has no idea what she wants in life and is very immature in that sense.

 

 

So let her figure it out. Leave her alone until she does. If she wants back in, she'll be in touch. She's clearly done this before. Meanwhile you can sit by the phone waiting for it to ring, or you can sit on the toilet bowl seat with your favorite porn clip playing on your phone in one hand and a bottle of hand lotion in the other. I wouldn't be waiting around but your mileage may vary.

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