Dumper's remorse

[guest569]

I end things and I know it's the right decision, I feel ok with my decision and walk away and move forwards. Then a few months pass by and I feel like complete rubbish and question the breakup, miss the hell out of my ex and daydream about being back together, thinking of all the good things and wondering if I was overreacting about the bad. I think I loved him all along and was blocking my feelings because of how crappy my past relationships were, and not willing to face concerns or work on anything, because what's the point if I am not feeling it. Not sure if I did the right thing, not sure I even care about right or wrong, logic doesn't matter. Just want to go back in time and be together again. I guess nothing really matters as the past is in the past and it's over and done with.

[Els]

{{hugs}}

 

 

Which ex is this, smiley? If it's the one circa a year or so ago, I really do think you did the right thing.

 

 

Hang in there.

[d0nnivain]

I've done that. Sometimes it's the loneliness talking. Sometimes it's that you are nostalgic for the good times but the passage of time has dulled the acrimony of the bad things. If you know you make good decision & you know you had valid reasons at the time, trust yourself that moment of melancholy is just that a fleeting moment.

[guest569]

{{hugs}}

 

 

Which ex is this, smiley? If it's the one circa a year or so ago, I really do think you did the right thing.

 

 

Hang in there.

 

Yeah that’s the one. things improved since that but other little arguments that upset me. But I think I overreacted and was in such a bad place due to work and deaths of family and friends and feeling so depressed. I’m just not sure I was right to end things.

[guest569]

I've done that. Sometimes it's the loneliness talking. Sometimes it's that you are nostalgic for the good times but the passage of time has dulled the acrimony of the bad things. If you know you make good decision & you know you had valid reasons at the time, trust yourself that moment of melancholy is just that a fleeting moment.

 

I can’t really tell at this point if I am just nostalgic or legit want to be back together. I don’t know how valid the reasons were or if it was just impulsive as I felt fed up and resolved, I basically decided that morning that I would end things. He asked if I was sure about it and i said yes.. even though I wasn’t 100% but I wanted to have a clear and clean break. It felt wrong but breakups never feel right. I don’t know if he would even want me back or not. He loved me so much and I broke his heart that day.

[Els]

Yeah that’s the one. things improved since that but other little arguments that upset me. But I think I overreacted and was in such a bad place due to work and deaths of family and friends and feeling so depressed. I’m just not sure I was right to end things.

 

 

Having read your previous issues, I can assure you that even if you did play a part in your old relationship's demise (which I don't know), his actions and behaviour was still way out of hand. I honestly don't think that sort of behaviour is something that you can "find a way to work around" - either someone has boundaries that are compatible with yours, or they don't. Frankly, I don't think his boundaries are compatible with most women's, either.

 

 

Hang in there. Are you going on dates?

[DKT3]

Having read your previous issues, I can assure you that even if you did play a part in your old relationship's demise (which I don't know), his actions and behaviour was still way out of hand. I honestly don't think that sort of behaviour is something that you can "find a way to work around" - either someone has boundaries that are compatible with yours, or they don't. Frankly, I don't think his boundaries are compatible with most women's, either.

 

 

Hang in there. Are you going on dates?

 

I don't know, I recall a period here that I said some things about my wife (we were separated, living in two different states, her choice) that make me cringe now. Its astonishing how differently I view those same events now.

 

OP, one thing you never get over is regret. Reach out, test the waters. I think a conversation with him could clear things up one way or another.

[guest569]

Having read your previous issues, I can assure you that even if you did play a part in your old relationship's demise (which I don't know), his actions and behaviour was still way out of hand. I honestly don't think that sort of behaviour is something that you can "find a way to work around" - either someone has boundaries that are compatible with yours, or they don't. Frankly, I don't think his boundaries are compatible with most women's, either.

 

 

Hang in there. Are you going on dates?

 

This wasn't that guy (with the BFF issue) but my most recent relationship. The demise was basically me just bailing, he was shocked and sad by it but accepted it and I've hardly heard a peep since. No definitely not dating yet. It's only just hitting me that it's over and I am not ready to accept that even though it was my decision.

[Els]

Oh, sorry! I didn't know that. In that case, if there was nothing truly wrong with the relationship, it may indeed be worth reaching out to see what he thinks?

Edited July 10, 2018 by Elswyth

[carhill]

My advice is to experiment with alone time instead of moving from one relationship to another and let this remorse process to acceptance and then revisit your feelings about the past relationship and its ending.

 

IMO, in many ways, regardless of who is the 'dumper', a relationship ending is like a death and should be grieved. That takes time. No rush. I mean if you're 90 or something, maybe a little rush

 

IME, you'll know you're there when you can remember, and cherish, the good times as valuable memories of who you were when you loved the person. That doesn't mean you still do. Those feelings transition with acceptance of the death. Spouses/partners deal with this when actual death occurs. Eventually they accept things and find a new partner/spouse or choose to live on alone. It's normal human behavior. You'll get there.

 

Once there, if happenstance brings you and your ex together and a completely new interaction occurs not connected to or reliving the past, then IMO explore that. People grow and change as life proceeds. Who you both were when the breakup occurred can proceed to a new milieu.

 

From my own experience with divorce, once my exW and I had a calm conversation about our marriage and made the decision to divorce, I didn't have any regrets about that decision and few moments of questioning/analyzing the choice after it was made. Most of any anxiety was fear of divorce and its stigma as a failure. It did take awhile to get over the emotional attachment, a couple of years, and I spent most of that alone.

 

Take some time for yourself. Your answers will come. Good luck!

[guest569]

The boyfriend prior to this relationship was ridiculous and I never want to see him again. I still have nice but tainted memories with him but when I think of them or find old photos I'm just wondering wtf was that all about? The whole relationship was bizarre and such a mess. The fact he led me on and said he loved me and then took it back has probably ruined any chance of me being able to let go and let my guard down in future relationships.

 

I said to him at the time I'll take it with a grain of salt if some guy tells me he loved me. For example my recent ex told me a few weeks in that he loved me, but over a year passed and I couldn't say it back. He didn't push me. But I did love him and when he first said those words I just can't believe it because it was the exact same timing and I was wondering if he would take it back too once he got to know me more. He didn't though and loved and accepted me for who I am and was there for me.

 

I wish I could have seen it and let my guard down and thrown myself in. He wanted us to live together and plan holidays and future and I just couldn't go there. I'm not sure if it was me and my past hurt or whether he wasn't right for me, if it was someone else maybe I could have just jumped in and fallen for him. I also didn't want to use the love word until I was sure as it is like a commitment and what if issues come along. Our arguments were more like him just losing his temper and calling me difficult.

 

I figured if this happens so early on then it doesn't bode well. My first boyfriend and I had zero fights across our 9 months, but is this rare? If a guy loved me why would he lose his temper at me and make me cry over nothing when we should be having fun relaxing on holiday. But then most of the time things were great and we got along well, so I really don't know.

Edited July 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

I can’t really tell at this point if I am just nostalgic or legit want to be back together. I don’t know how valid the reasons were or if it was just impulsive as I felt fed up and resolved, I basically decided that morning that I would end things. He asked if I was sure about it and i said yes.. even though I wasn’t 100% but I wanted to have a clear and clean break. It felt wrong but breakups never feel right. I don’t know if he would even want me back or not. He loved me so much and I broke his heart that day.

 

You woke up one morning & decided to dump somebody on impulse? Who does that?

 

I have no insight for you because that thought process is just so foreign to me. People's feelings are at stake here. Unless the person was abusive & you finally woke up to it, the utter lack of thought behind the decision to end a relationship (vs having gone on a few dates) seems like you have little empathy or compassion.

 

I really hope you are simply not explaining yourself in a way that I understand because my perceptionof just a random dump for no reason is one of cruelty. I see some elements of confusion / dissatisfaction in your last post. Him planning & you running. Recurring arguments which are always a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. So maybe there are reasons you are simply having trouble articulating them.

 

I would advise you not to date again until you figure out why you would do something like that.

Edited July 10, 2018 by d0nnivain

[guest569]

No, you're way off. Of course it wasn't like that and I don't appreciate being kicked while I'm down. And please don't come back with more as I feel like you're attacking me when I am super vulnerable. Talk about empathy and compassion.

Edited July 10, 2018 by smiley1

[stillafool]

The demise was basically me just bailing, he was shocked and sad by it but accepted it and I've hardly heard a peep since. No definitely not dating yet. It's only just hitting me that it's over and I am not ready to accept that even though it was my decision.

 

No, you're way off. Of course it wasn't like that and I don't appreciate being kicked while I'm down. And please don't come back with more as I feel like you're attacking me when I am super vulnerable. Talk about empathy and compassion.

 

It's obvious that dOnnivain's post was in response to what you said above - you just bailed on him. No one here has kicked you but are only responding to things you wrote. This is a public forum and if you ask for advice you may not like what you hear. Coddling is usually done by friends and family.

[DKT3]

No, you're way off. Of course it wasn't like that and I don't appreciate being kicked while I'm down. And please don't come back with more as I feel like you're attacking me when I am super vulnerable. Talk about empathy and compassion.

 

I understand donnivain's point. The way you wrote it did sound like you had a guy who was more into you then you him and bailed because you got scared.

 

I'm not sure why you took that as an attack. Maybe you started the relationship too soon. But really all that is irrelevant at this point.

 

To your question about second guessing, well just talk to him. See where he head is, tell him you were impulsive and got scared.

[Els]

The boyfriend prior to this relationship was ridiculous and I never want to see him again. I still have nice but tainted memories with him but when I think of them or find old photos I'm just wondering wtf was that all about? The whole relationship was bizarre and such a mess. The fact he led me on and said he loved me and then took it back has probably ruined any chance of me being able to let go and let my guard down in future relationships.

 

I said to him at the time I'll take it with a grain of salt if some guy tells me he loved me. For example my recent ex told me a few weeks in that he loved me, but over a year passed and I couldn't say it back. He didn't push me. But I did love him and when he first said those words I just can't believe it because it was the exact same timing and I was wondering if he would take it back too once he got to know me more. He didn't though and loved and accepted me for who I am and was there for me.

 

I wish I could have seen it and let my guard down and thrown myself in. He wanted us to live together and plan holidays and future and I just couldn't go there. I'm not sure if it was me and my past hurt or whether he wasn't right for me, if it was someone else maybe I could have just jumped in and fallen for him. I also didn't want to use the love word until I was sure as it is like a commitment and what if issues come along. Our arguments were more like him just losing his temper and calling me difficult.

 

I figured if this happens so early on then it doesn't bode well. My first boyfriend and I had zero fights across our 9 months, but is this rare? If a guy loved me why would he lose his temper at me and make me cry over nothing when we should be having fun relaxing on holiday. But then most of the time things were great and we got along well, so I really don't know.

 

 

I wouldn't measure a relationship by whether or not they had 0 fights in the first year. 0 fights could easily mean that issues were being repressed, which would be less healthy than actually talking about it and experiencing the conflict. Obviously, TOO many fights are a warning bell, but this sounds like just 1 fight?

 

 

How long ago did you break up with him? Could be worth talking to him and seeing how it goes, if you think you made a mistake.

[William]

This is a public forum and if you ask for advice you may not like what you hear. Coddling is usually done by friends and family.

Excellent point and we have three methods of dealing with tough love here. One is notifying moderation of suspected lack of civility and respect. Another is the ignore list. The last is taking what one wishes from the postings and leaving the rest.

 

For now we'll consider all disagreements about post tone and content to be resolved and direct members to be mindful of our guidelines moving forward. This thread is posted in Second Chances so it appears the thread starter is considering that as a possibility. Work it. Thanks!

[guest569]

I wouldn't measure a relationship by whether or not they had 0 fights in the first year. 0 fights could easily mean that issues were being repressed, which would be less healthy than actually talking about it and experiencing the conflict. Obviously, TOO many fights are a warning bell, but this sounds like just 1 fight?

 

 

How long ago did you break up with him? Could be worth talking to him and seeing how it goes, if you think you made a mistake.

 

I don't recall any actual fights as in 2 way. He would get mad at me or stressed or frustrated seemingly out of nowhere. A couple of them were pretty bad and it all build up and concerned me. There was one big blowup when we were away that really upset me and I just figured it would only get worse. My dad was like this only he would go into full rage. I don't want this. But my ex wasn't on the same level. Still, that was him lashing out while we are on a relaxing holiday. I wonder if it was partly anger over knowing I wasn't as far in the relationship as he was.

 

I didn't suddenly bail and blind side him. I expressed throughout the relationship where I was at. I was simply saying that it felt sudden when it finally happened. It is hard to believe. The sense of being certain and making the decision to leave, after months of having doubts over these outbursts, his conversation (passive listener, respond with silence or story about him self) and sex issues (selfish and not adventurous), not good at housework, and close minded and stubborn about certain things.

 

I'm not a cruel person who lacks empathy and compassion. I loved and cared a great deal about this man and always will. I was not harsh or cruel and tried to let him down gently. Leaving him that day was devastating. I'm not a freaking robot or a psychopath.

 

I'm not sure if my concerns were enough or if I overreacted but I suspect I have rose coloured glasses on right now as I am missing the good things and just want him back.

[guest569]

Oh. It was a few months ago Els

[Els]

I don't recall any actual fights as in 2 way. He would get mad at me or stressed or frustrated seemingly out of nowhere. A couple of them were pretty bad and it all build up and concerned me. There was one big blowup when we were away that really upset me and I just figured it would only get worse. My dad was like this only he would go into full rage. I don't want this. But my ex wasn't on the same level. Still, that was him lashing out while we are on a relaxing holiday. I wonder if it was partly anger over knowing I wasn't as far in the relationship as he was.

 

I didn't suddenly bail and blind side him. I expressed throughout the relationship where I was at. I was simply saying that it felt sudden when it finally happened. It is hard to believe. The sense of being certain and making the decision to leave, after months of having doubts over these outbursts, his conversation (passive listener, respond with silence or story about him self) and sex issues (selfish and not adventurous), not good at housework, and close minded and stubborn about certain things.

 

I'm not a cruel person who lacks empathy and compassion. I loved and cared a great deal about this man and always will. I was not harsh or cruel and tried to let him down gently. Leaving him that day was devastating. I'm not a freaking robot or a psychopath.

 

I'm not sure if my concerns were enough or if I overreacted but I suspect I have rose coloured glasses on right now as I am missing the good things and just want him back.

 

 

These concerns seem rather serious to me. 9 months is just barely coming out of the honeymoon phase - if there were so many serious arguments, sex issues, incompatibilities etc surfacing at 9 months, I think it is reasonable to leave.

 

 

Maybe take some time off to pamper yourself and hang out with friends if you can? I find that I sometimes get unrealistic perceptions of things (either rose-tinted or the opposite) when I'm in a bad state overall in terms of stress, life circumstances or fatigue.

[guest569]

These concerns seem rather serious to me. 9 months is just barely coming out of the honeymoon phase - if there were so many serious arguments, sex issues, incompatibilities etc surfacing at 9 months, I think it is reasonable to leave.

 

 

Maybe take some time off to pamper yourself and hang out with friends if you can? I find that I sometimes get unrealistic perceptions of things (either rose-tinted or the opposite) when I'm in a bad state overall in terms of stress, life circumstances or fatigue.

 

9 months was my first relationship. It was over more than a year but same goes. If he talks to me like that in the honeymoon phase then the future looks sad.

 

Some things improved but I guess I felt like there were too many hurdles that would just keep appearing. I can see that he was trying though and was such a sweet guy. From his perspective everything was amazing aside from me not taking the next steps in our relationship.

 

The house work.. Probably would have been me doing everything as he is fine to just live with the filth and clutter and I'm not. I'm not sure if he would have changed in that respect. This is probably the main reason I was hesitant about living together.

 

He doesn't seem receptive to talking about it and is not saying anything aside from logistics, so I assume he has moved on and doesn't want to look back. I feel like I have more to say but I guess it is too late.

[ThreeRainbows]

This wasn't that guy (with the BFF issue) but my most recent relationship. The demise was basically me just bailing, he was shocked and sad by it but accepted it and I've hardly heard a peep since. No definitely not dating yet. It's only just hitting me that it's over and I am not ready to accept that even though it was my decision.

 

 

Have you thought about you having avoidant attachment style? Read up on it, it could help you.

 

 

Remember, in-love is temporary. Then, love becomes a conscious choice. Fear might be stopping you from getting to the real stuff.

[OatsAndHall]

In a LTR, I do as much as I possibly can to make things work out as I wouldn't be committed to them if I didn't care deeply for them and feel like there was a future. But, when I do decide to call things off, I have thought the situation over thoroughly and know that it is the best decision. I do feel some remorse but it is born out of loneliness and not because I felt as if I have done anything wrong.

[guest569]

I think my head knew a few things throughout the relationship that my heart tried to ignore, and vice versa. It's a tricky one. I think I got to a point where I couldn't ignore the bad stuff anymore and knew things were not going to change. But I was recently far from home an way out of my comfort zone and thinking of him a lot and how I love and miss him. This feeling of hope takes over everything and I imagine us together again and it's such a beautiful feeling but it is not reality. Reality is that I was becoming increasingly frustrated and disappointed with things that I felt could not be fixed or changed. Out of my control. So yes it is probably a bit of loneliness and denial. Even though it was my decision, I'm still hurting and going through the grieving process. My mind plays all sorts of tricks on me and it happened before after I ended a toxic relationship. Denial, blaming myself, bargaining, not facing reality, round and round.

[guest569]

Lying awake at night and the bad memories come back to me, and details I had buried or forgotten. I definitely did the right thing. I remember where I was at in the end and it made perfect sense. We were not right for each other. It still hurts like hell though. But yeah, some not so minor problems there, I was not unreasonable.