He came back; a reflection

[healthyhopes]

Hello everyone. Like many others, I promised myself that I would write on a forum like this if and when my ex came back. Well, completely to my surprise, it did happen, and here I am, fulfilling my promise.

 

About 2.5 years ago, when I was a senior in highschool, I started "friends with benefits" relationship with a boy who was one year younger than me. We spoke every night and although we were very different people, a connection formed. He was the main person I spoke to for a very long time. And I was crazy about him; I thought about him all the time, and I was young and immature (and because he was more immature, and ego-centric) things that he would say would hurt me to the bone. Eventually, I couldn't stand my feelings for him anymore and I admitted them to him. He looked at me, hesitated, and then said no. He said some VERY hurtful things. I cut off contact with him and it took about an entire year to move on from it. It was the worst heartbreak of my entire life. We were so close and spoke on a very intimate level. I had trust issues for a very long time, believing that other guys who liked me and wanted to pursue something with me were lying and just wanted to hurt me for fun. It took me a year to get over him and the entire situation.

 

About a week ago, I was strangely compelled to message him and we began a conversation. It's going to be one of my last summers back home and I felt like I needed to resolve something. I guess it's one of those things that they advise you not to do on these kinds of forums but I seriously had moved on, and I needed to know how he had been doing, and I sincerely hoped for the best for him.

 

Well, we hung out. We had both clearly grown up to be better people and spoke just like old friends. We had a great time. At one point, he asked me to sit down on a bench, and I did. He took a deep breath. "Healthyhopes," he said, "This is something I should have probably said about 2 and a half years ago, or maybe even months ago, but I made a huge mistake in saying no to you. The connection I had with you was unlike something I ever had with anyone else, and I thought I could find it with other girls but I just couldn't. It hasn't been a constant thing, but often I would date other girls and then wonder what it would be like if I had said yes to you. The girl I dated after you-- she was hot and nice, and I had a great time with her, but I couldn't talk to her like I spoke to you. And there were girls in college, but it didn't work out with them either. There is no one like you, there is no one like you." He also told me that he had liked me then but had lied because he didn’t think it would ever work out, and that he thought telling the truth would hurt me more, and that he was also heartbroken after it ended.

 

I could absolutely not believe it. This is exactly what I wish I heard all those years ago. I started crying a little bit, and we hugged. Impulsively, he kissed me. With my head on his chest, I heard his heart beating very, very fast.

To be honest with you however, I didn’t feel much in his kiss, and my tears were only real for a moment. To my absolute surprise, I was over him. I never in a million years thought that I would ever be, but here I was.

 

Nevertheless, I know that a connection can be manufactured. One day after 2.5 years of absence means absolutely nothing. We decided to take it slow and date. Things were great for the first few days, and we couldn’t stop thinking about each other. We had some great times. But then we had some minor disagreements—I got my nails done black and long, for instance, and he said that he didn’t like them because he likes color. He actually told me that one of the reasons he didn’t wanna date me in highschool is because I dressed “too goth” (I like the color black? And I look good in it? It’s not even close to the only thing I wear? Sue me) and when I said I still like to wear black clothes and combat boots sometimes, he said that while he didn’t wanna offend me, it is a male thing—that guys are very visual—and he didn’t wanna explain further. (Before anyone asks, my fashion sense is great. This guy gets his clothes bought by his mother and wears the most boring, basic t-shirt and jeans/shorts combo every day)

 

There were other moments like this that brought a bad taste in my mouth. Some weird sexism stuff that he wouldn’t understand if I explained to him. Other weird controlling things which indicated that he wanted me to change in some way as a person. When we had sex the first time he also insisted that he gave me at least 2 orgasms and didn't believe me when I said I didn't have a single one??? Like, Hello?????

I think another issue is that he is very “left brained” and I am very “right brained”; he doesn’t read, spends his time building tech things, very objective and good at things like physics, etc. I am the complete opposite—I love feeling an emotion and reading deep into things beyond just the surface. While I would have loved to understand more about his side of things, and learn about how to put things together the way he does and why this instead of that, etc, I don’t think he felt like I would be interested in this—and more importantly—I don’t think he is interested in my side of things at all, or learning about it at least.

 

Yesterday, after about a week of dating, we met up to talk and he said that he wasn’t feeling it. He also said that he absolutely meant everything he said the first day, and that I he wanted me to know that he was sincere about everything that he said, and that he didn't even plan on kissing me that day. He also said that the first couple of days he couldn’t stop thinking about me. Next, something dropped off and he realized that he wasn’t as crazy about me as he should be. I was upset because I thought that with more conversation and hangouts we could see each other more, get the connection back and grow since it has only been one week and things don’t just appear out of nowhere, but I can’t argue with him. To be honest, I wasn’t really feeling it either—I would have if he was perhaps more empathetic and open-minded, and he might have felt it if I was more of a left-minded person (thought I, once again, believe that I am a smart girl and can understand and be interested in anything if I try hard enough—one of my majors is very left-brained, I am not a one-track person, etc)—and although I really, really wanted it to work, I guess it wasn’t going to. Maybe if we kept going it never would. It takes two, after all. Whatever happens happens.

 

And I need a guy who is more mature and not as shallow and respects me and likes me for who I am. I grew up A LOT—I am a completely different person than I used to be, and I don’t think he grew up quite as much. In the process, I suppose I outgrew him. We agreed to take a break and then meet up later this summer and still be friends. We had a lot of fun, after all.

 

Well, we are still young. I am 20 and he is 19 and there is room for more growth. I am excited to grow up more and become the person I was meant to be, and I'm excited to see him mature and grow up as well-- as a friend. (Who knows if this will last though—maybe he will say something really offensive and I’ll tell him to stick it for good. But that’s also a happy ending, right?)

 

Thank you to everyone who ever listened to me on this forum and gave me support when I needed it most. A deep ache that I thought I had long-since taken care of has healed itself, and the young, insecure and depressed 17-year-old girl I was all those years ago can finally take a deep breath and go to sleep.

 

Every day I realize more and more that the world is a beautiful place, and that I have within me everything that I have ever wanted, and that life is good.

 

With love,

Healthyhopes.

Edited June 13, 2018 by healthyhopes

[preraph]

I was a gothy girl too, and there are definitely guys who like the excitement but won't marry it. They read too much into it. They envision you meeting their mother. Known lots of guys in my wild crowd who dated edgy girls but then when time to get married, married boring ones, or "beige" as they said in "Sex in the City." It's a very real phenomenon. You brought up that he is right brained and you're left brained, but it happens with creative guys too. They just buy into the traditional myth.

 

Anyway, on top of that, you're both growing -- apart. So be it.

 

But I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention that he is right about guys liking color and that sort of thing on women. Guys do like women who look really feminine. Edgy guys will understand your style, but they may not marry it. So be yourself, but always remember to dress somewhat feminine. Not showing a huge amount of skin, but wearing something feminine and not just all masculine heavy stuff. I did that a lot myself, cowboy boots with tips, black miniskirt, etc. But I've seen a lot of women take it too far and just look like a mean boy. It's better to mix it up a little, maybe a poet or lace top over black. I used some Victorian pieces. A dash or white or color is just less harsh mixed with black. If you're pierced, maybe don't also tattoo. I mean, only so much toughness and extreme stuff. It doesn't age well anyway.

 

I am really old now, and I still like my past style but can't wear it. I ordered a black uniform jacket, double breasted, all that, thinking maybe I could get away with it, but no....

[healthyhopes]

I was a gothy girl too, and there are definitely guys who like the excitement but won't marry it. They read too much into it. They envision you meeting their mother. Known lots of guys in my wild crowd who dated edgy girls but then when time to get married, married boring ones, or "beige" as they said in "Sex in the City." It's a very real phenomenon. You brought up that he is right brained and you're left brained, but it happens with creative guys too. They just buy into the traditional myth.

 

Anyway, on top of that, you're both growing -- apart. So be it.

 

But I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention that he is right about guys liking color and that sort of thing on women. Guys do like women who look really feminine. Edgy guys will understand your style, but they may not marry it. So be yourself, but always remember to dress somewhat feminine. Not showing a huge amount of skin, but wearing something feminine and not just all masculine heavy stuff. I did that a lot myself, cowboy boots with tips, black miniskirt, etc. But I've seen a lot of women take it too far and just look like a mean boy. It's better to mix it up a little, maybe a poet or lace top over black. I used some Victorian pieces. A dash or white or color is just less harsh mixed with black. If you're pierced, maybe don't also tattoo. I mean, only so much toughness and extreme stuff. It doesn't age well anyway.

 

I am really old now, and I still like my past style but can't wear it. I ordered a black uniform jacket, double breasted, all that, thinking maybe I could get away with it, but no....

 

Haha! High five! Though I wasn't really too edgy in highschool. I had a punk jacket, I had a shirt with a misfits skull on it, a lot of my clothes had rips, I wore combat boots every day. But I did also still wear feminine clothes.

 

I am also not quite sure if we're growing apart or not. We seem like we work better than we did before. Just no spark. But it's fine. I think if we stick being friends we can actually make a pretty solid friendship work, but we only have so much left of the summer. idk though, anything can happen-- I still am friends with and talk frequently to a guy I dated last summer who I haven't seen in one entire year (he's been all over Europe and I've been in the states). Maybe it might turn out that we aren't even good friends and won't ever talk again. But I would just like to see how things turn out

 

Well, my style is way more feminine and colorful than it used to be (and I did secretly wear my best clothes when I was with him) and he did note on it. I understand entirely what you mean, and this is hard to explain, but the way we spoke made it seem like he wanted me to change into someone else. It wasn't fitting. And I think when I told him that someone who likes me would accept me for how I am (and I assure you that I get hit on no matter what I am wearing), he realized that he didn't really like me all that much. So be it.

[healthyhopes]

I think I just can't believe

 

that after all this time I spent thinking about it and growing from it and turning into who I am today

 

that it's finally over

 

And I must admit I did cry

[preraph]

The bubble burst. He's probably just too conventional for you. The guy I fell hardest for was and wasn't. He and I were on the same unconventional music career path, but deep down, he was a pretty traditional guy. He knew we couldn't marry. I wasn't having children and he really wanted them bad. But I realized later (I began working with him after we'd already dated and broken up) that much as I like him, I was bored by most of his friends and would have fallen asleep at their little get-togethers. My crowd was much more fun and didn't all follow a conventional lifestyle. So being with him wouldn't have worked out in all likelihood. I'd have gotten bored. I just wasn't cut out for domesticity as long as there were other things to do. We are still friends who just keep up maybe once a month.

[quankanne]

sounds like the connection ~ good and strong ~ is not a sexual or romantic one, but one of a deep, solid friendship. And that can be a very positive thing!

[preraph]

Ever see "My So-Called Life"? Your story reminded me of it. It's really good. The ending is classic.

[healthyhopes]

The bubble burst. He's probably just too conventional for you. The guy I fell hardest for was and wasn't. He and I were on the same unconventional music career path, but deep down, he was a pretty traditional guy. He knew we couldn't marry. I wasn't having children and he really wanted them bad. But I realized later (I began working with him after we'd already dated and broken up) that much as I like him, I was bored by most of his friends and would have fallen asleep at their little get-togethers. My crowd was much more fun and didn't all follow a conventional lifestyle. So being with him wouldn't have worked out in all likelihood. I'd have gotten bored. I just wasn't cut out for domesticity as long as there were other things to do. We are still friends who just keep up maybe once a month.

 

Thanks for your story. These kinds of stories, like my own, always fill me with mixed emotions. I wish things worked out 100% of the time but that isn't realistic. These types of issues seem so small until they are staring you right in the face. Then, they are huge.

 

I'm glad you are still friends! May I ask how long you guys were together and how long it took to become friends again? Did you have any sort of no-contact in between being together and being friends?

[healthyhopes]

sounds like the connection ~ good and strong ~ is not a sexual or romantic one, but one of a deep, solid friendship. And that can be a very positive thing!

 

I agree, that is what I am hoping will happen. Really really hoping. Who knows what the future will look like. I just know that for a very long time he was one of the most important people in my life. I read somewhere that it is rare to find people you really, truly connect with and when you find them, you should keep them close. I really hope that we can get this connection back somehow and maintain a friendship because you only meet so many people in your life that you can really, actually talk to.

 

But I can't tell the future or what is going to happen next. It might just be radio silence forever.

[healthyhopes]

Ever see "My So-Called Life"? Your story reminded me of it. It's really good. The ending is classic.

 

No but I have heard of it! I will definitely check it out! Thank you for telling me about it

[preraph]

Thanks for your story. These kinds of stories, like my own, always fill me with mixed emotions. I wish things worked out 100% of the time but that isn't realistic. These types of issues seem so small until they are staring you right in the face. Then, they are huge.

 

I'm glad you are still friends! May I ask how long you guys were together and how long it took to become friends again? Did you have any sort of no-contact in between being together and being friends?

 

Unfortunately, no, there was no significant period of no contact (this is pre-internet) because our careers were parallel so we saw each other everywhere. He slept with my oldest friend on a break and I needed to not see him, believe me. But he would always be leaning against the bar looking sheepish and like he was feeling sorry for himself -- and then we ended up working together for 10 years, which I think were tougher on me than him but him too at times. So we have history. I was really mad at him a second time to do with career and it threw me into a depression so there was 10 years there of no contact. But I had to forgive him to get better. He missed me. He's happily married with kids and he and his wife and me all went to a concert together last year. Most wives wouldn't be able to stomach this, and I totally understand. But he's still out and about in his work so she's got more to fear from others than from me, who is old and fat now.

 

Anyway, lately we've trailed off, but we were both happy to talk again and catch up. I've been through two divorces with him. Lots of water under the bridge.

[quankanne]

But I can't tell the future or what is going to happen next. It might just be radio silence forever.

 

keep hoping and working towards that day he realizes that y'all *can* connect on that level as friends, and that it'll be the best thing he does. Remember he's a little bit younger than you and still has to go through that process to get where you are now in your realization!

[healthyhopes]

well, I suppose my mood has changed. During the breakup ("breakup"?) I told him that I had a good time with him and was sad that we wouldn't hang out anymore and he said that we could still hang out and be friends, and just to tell him when I was ready. I tend to overthink things so I just got it out of the way so the thoughts could die (otherwise I would be thinking and thinking about which day would be best to text him, etc) and texted him yesterday after work that the only days I was free were thursday and monday, and that monday is probably better. Thursday is today. I was sure that he would reply but looking back at this """relationship""" and seeing how his contact dropped off from talking ALL the time to not replying at all, I guess it won't happen.

 

I guess he doesn't believe that I am fine hanging out as just friends yet, which is understandable, I wouldn't believe me either. But I feel like a lack of a reply is SO disrespectful-- he could have at least said "I'm sorry, but I don't think now is the time."

 

These past 11 days or so were SO hot and cold.

Now I am looking back at this past week in anger/ angry disappointment; OF COURSE there were no feelings, it had only been a week. Did he really expect sparks to fly after he we both moved on? I was willing on working on our disagreements in order to make sure that this would AT LEAST END DIFFERENTLY, but he sat across from me and it was like an exact repeat of what happened before. I can't blame him for not feeling it with me, but it's so bizarre that he could have feelings ("feelings?" for a couple days (non-stop thinking of me, etc), and then have it all crash and go so cold. I don't know what it means. It seems so ... stupid? a waste of time?

 

I didn't really "feel it either" but I wanted it to work so badly. I really don't know what he expected; I don't ever feel things for guys as fast as a week, I need TIME to build up the connection-- and I think I'm not in the minority here. I know I wasn't used or anything but I feel dumb and stupid to have taken him back, thinking that he had matured (he seemed like he had matured!) and grown up and would treat me better. But the second we had a disagreement that mimicked one from the past, we both went a little cold, and maybe he realized that we were basically strangers? and that was that.

[healthyhopes]

I just .... feel like I should have been vetting him. Should have asked what would make this different. What he expected and how he thought we would build this up and how he would treat me better. Maybe he didn't want to treat me better. Maybe he just wanted to be himself and being himself inherently means that he would controlling and self centered. I drove around asking my friend yesterday, what did I lose? An immature guy? I was ready to put in so much effort and this is what I got.

 

I was so nice to him during the """break-up""" too. And when he was done speaking he went to the door to leave and I had to finish my words while he was half in and half out. Infuriating.

[ambyc92]

Healthyhopes, I wish I could give you a big hug. From the content of your stories i get the impression that this young man has a lot of growing up to do. Sometimes when a relationship ends one or both partners may start to idolize the other, the problem with this is that its not a realistic portrait of someone. Every person he dates or you date will have their own baggage or pet peevs that annoy you.

 

What concerns me about this relationship is how quickly it went hot and cold, one minute no women compares to you and now your clothing and nail choices aren't sufficient. All men have preferences but if he really liked you he would like what you like. I am very girly i like lacey tops and floral prints my ex loved black so occasionally I would try to dress a little edgier not because he didn't like what i wore but because it was my choice. My point is someone who is into you is going to like you despite what colors you wear and honestly that isn't for any partner to decide anyway, his first instinct shouldn't be to change you otherwise why be with you. I realize i'm only talking about one incident but the point remains in a new relationship he should be interested in wining and dining you and getting to know each other again.

 

Which brings me to my next point, you seem like a nice girl and due to that it seems like hes had a easy time. He left you and he said some hurtful things and you reach out to him. You are kind enough to give him another chance and then when hes not feeling it you are very kind and personable and while i'm not advocating that you should key his car. You are entitled to some very real feelings of upset and disappointment he made very clear statements about his feelings for you you had every reason to think he would be overjoyed and committed to the prospect of starting something up with you again. Only to hear hes not feeling a connection after just a few days that hurts. While we can't change how we feel and hes entitled to his feelings, he should recognize that this has consequences. If he wasn't sure about his feelings for you he should have kept it platonic, its nice of him to tell you early on but still that doesn't change the fact that he hurt you.

 

For someones feelings to change so drastically and so quickly i question how strong they were in the first place, but it really doesn't matter the more time you spend thinking about it or him is the more time you waste not living your life to the fullest. Reconciliation takes work this does not seem like someone who would be able to put the work in not to mention the problems with control you mentioned. Be thankful you didn't waste anymore time on him cry your tears its healthy and move on perhaps to someone else or something else you really enjoy. As far as friendship is concerned I think you might inadvertently be deluding yourself it seems like you might want to just hold on to him and while i can understand that feeling you two probably did have some good times. Do you feel like he respects you? values you? Would he maybe say something or do something that makes you wonder "hmmm maybe he does want to get back together after all"? I guess my point is don't get stuck in a state of limbo with him where whether consciously or subconsciously your putting yourself on hold for him or allowing thoughts of him to clout your mind. Your young get out their meet new people get a hobby travel, I know those probably sound like consolation prizes. But hes doing you a favor this break up happened for you and now instead of wasting anymore time you can open up to new possibilities. Perhaps he'll come around again and y'all can be friends but leave the ball in his court and only after a sincere apology and who knows if you could even trust him after all of this up and down.

 

Your not dumb or stupid either, you had a connection, you liked him, you thought you both had grown and made changes. Unfortunately that wasn't the case you couldn't have known that until you knew. In response to your vetting question their are no right answers you did the best you can with what you had to work with like we all do, you could have vetted him and he could have got annoyed and said "I don't want to talk about this why can't you just move on" and you would be on this site saying "Why didn't i just take him back?" Talk it out for awhile its healthy we all do, feel what you need to feel, then let it be now you have clear cut proof that the cycle will only continue with him.

 

I wish you all the best truly!

 

 

 

well, I suppose my mood has changed. During the breakup ("breakup"?) I told him that I had a good time with him and was sad that we wouldn't hang out anymore and he said that we could still hang out and be friends, and just to tell him when I was ready. I tend to overthink things so I just got it out of the way so the thoughts could die (otherwise I would be thinking and thinking about which day would be best to text him, etc) and texted him yesterday after work that the only days I was free were thursday and monday, and that monday is probably better. Thursday is today. I was sure that he would reply but looking back at this """relationship""" and seeing how his contact dropped off from talking ALL the time to not replying at all, I guess it won't happen.

 

I guess he doesn't believe that I am fine hanging out as just friends yet, which is understandable, I wouldn't believe me either. But I feel like a lack of a reply is SO disrespectful-- he could have at least said "I'm sorry, but I don't think now is the time."

 

These past 11 days or so were SO hot and cold.

Now I am looking back at this past week in anger/ angry disappointment; OF COURSE there were no feelings, it had only been a week. Did he really expect sparks to fly after he we both moved on? I was willing on working on our disagreements in order to make sure that this would AT LEAST END DIFFERENTLY, but he sat across from me and it was like an exact repeat of what happened before. I can't blame him for not feeling it with me, but it's so bizarre that he could have feelings ("feelings?" for a couple days (non-stop thinking of me, etc), and then have it all crash and go so cold. I don't know what it means. It seems so ... stupid? a waste of time?

 

I didn't really "feel it either" but I wanted it to work so badly. I really don't know what he expected; I don't ever feel things for guys as fast as a week, I need TIME to build up the connection-- and I think I'm not in the minority here. I know I wasn't used or anything but I feel dumb and stupid to have taken him back, thinking that he had matured (he seemed like he had matured!) and grown up and would treat me better. But the second we had a disagreement that mimicked one from the past, we both went a little cold, and maybe he realized that we were basically strangers? and that was that.

[frigginlost]

 

Every day I realize more and more that the world is a beautiful place, and that I have within me everything that I have ever wanted, and that life is good.

 

With love,

Healthyhopes.

 

Holy crap...

 

You my dear, are going to make some very, very, lucky man a fantastic life partner. You're 20 years old, and have the maturity of a woman years older (I'm in my early 50's and some women in their 40's don't have your maturity). Someone is going to come along and match with you, and from that point forward you're going to live a life of total and complete happiness. Not because you need someone to be happy, but because you already are.

 

I commend you on who you are.

[healthyhopes]

Holy crap...

 

You my dear, are going to make some very, very, lucky man a fantastic life partner. You're 20 years old, and have the maturity of a woman years older (I'm in my early 50's and some women in their 40's don't have your maturity). Someone is going to come along and match with you, and from that point forward you're going to live a life of total and complete happiness. Not because you need someone to be happy, but because you already are.

 

I commend you on who you are.

 

Thank you so so much, I really, really needed to hear this. I cannot tell you enough what a sentiment like this means to me

[healthyhopes]

Healthyhopes, I wish I could give you a big hug. From the content of your stories i get the impression that this young man has a lot of growing up to do. Sometimes when a relationship ends one or both partners may start to idolize the other, the problem with this is that its not a realistic portrait of someone. Every person he dates or you date will have their own baggage or pet peevs that annoy you.

 

What concerns me about this relationship is how quickly it went hot and cold, one minute no women compares to you and now your clothing and nail choices aren't sufficient. All men have preferences but if he really liked you he would like what you like. I am very girly i like lacey tops and floral prints my ex loved black so occasionally I would try to dress a little edgier not because he didn't like what i wore but because it was my choice. My point is someone who is into you is going to like you despite what colors you wear and honestly that isn't for any partner to decide anyway, his first instinct shouldn't be to change you otherwise why be with you. I realize i'm only talking about one incident but the point remains in a new relationship he should be interested in wining and dining you and getting to know each other again.

 

Which brings me to my next point, you seem like a nice girl and due to that it seems like hes had a easy time. He left you and he said some hurtful things and you reach out to him. You are kind enough to give him another chance and then when hes not feeling it you are very kind and personable and while i'm not advocating that you should key his car. You are entitled to some very real feelings of upset and disappointment he made very clear statements about his feelings for you you had every reason to think he would be overjoyed and committed to the prospect of starting something up with you again. Only to hear hes not feeling a connection after just a few days that hurts. While we can't change how we feel and hes entitled to his feelings, he should recognize that this has consequences. If he wasn't sure about his feelings for you he should have kept it platonic, its nice of him to tell you early on but still that doesn't change the fact that he hurt you.

 

For someones feelings to change so drastically and so quickly i question how strong they were in the first place, but it really doesn't matter the more time you spend thinking about it or him is the more time you waste not living your life to the fullest. Reconciliation takes work this does not seem like someone who would be able to put the work in not to mention the problems with control you mentioned. Be thankful you didn't waste anymore time on him cry your tears its healthy and move on perhaps to someone else or something else you really enjoy. As far as friendship is concerned I think you might inadvertently be deluding yourself it seems like you might want to just hold on to him and while i can understand that feeling you two probably did have some good times. Do you feel like he respects you? values you? Would he maybe say something or do something that makes you wonder "hmmm maybe he does want to get back together after all"? I guess my point is don't get stuck in a state of limbo with him where whether consciously or subconsciously your putting yourself on hold for him or allowing thoughts of him to clout your mind. Your young get out their meet new people get a hobby travel, I know those probably sound like consolation prizes. But hes doing you a favor this break up happened for you and now instead of wasting anymore time you can open up to new possibilities. Perhaps he'll come around again and y'all can be friends but leave the ball in his court and only after a sincere apology and who knows if you could even trust him after all of this up and down.

 

Your not dumb or stupid either, you had a connection, you liked him, you thought you both had grown and made changes. Unfortunately that wasn't the case you couldn't have known that until you knew. In response to your vetting question their are no right answers you did the best you can with what you had to work with like we all do, you could have vetted him and he could have got annoyed and said "I don't want to talk about this why can't you just move on" and you would be on this site saying "Why didn't i just take him back?" Talk it out for awhile its healthy we all do, feel what you need to feel, then let it be now you have clear cut proof that the cycle will only continue with him.

 

I wish you all the best truly!

 

Thank you so much. I keep reading your reply over and over again, and while I'm not addressing everything you said, know that I internalized everything that you said. Thank you thank you thank you.

 

I'm not heartbroken or anything, but I am extremely disappointed. I really wish that he had grown up more, and I know that this second time is going to be the last time I ever see him. I guess I just see a lot of potential in him as a human being, but I know that is probably my wishful thinking and that potential doesn't really mean anything until it is realized. Who knows if he will ever become a great person or if I will ever meet him again when he is a great person. Past behavior indicated future behavior. I am so disappointed.

 

I know that I was always too nice to him and it allowed for him to do whatever he wanted. I really wish that I told him that I had outgrown him/the he is too immature for me while I had time, but I thought saying something like that would be mean, and I would regret being mean.

 

At least now I know that I did everything I could, and that it's not my fault. I guess I can tell myself that it's his loss and that I'm not missing out on much at all, but I wish he knew that too. Maybe one day he will know that. I don't want to wait around for it though and I'm not going to.

[healthyhopes]

@friggenlost, I keep re-reading your reply again and again and again as well!!!

[healthyhopes]

Well, he messaged me today and asked if I still wanted to hang tonight. I said maybe, and asked what he wanted to do. He said just hang out and that we also probably should talk.

 

Probably should talk?? Talk about what?

 

I asked him and no response yet.

 

My theory is that he is probably going to talk about why it didn't work out (which will make me feel bad) OR he's going to say we should try again (very unlikely). Ugh. I have a bad feeling.