Brokenjmac Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 My WW wife and I are separated but working on R and have been getting along very well. Her BFF threw her a surprise birthday party inviting all of her family except me. WW and I even went out to dinner with BFF and her Boyfriend a few weeks back and had a great time. BFF knew about the affair all along so I'm not a big fan of hers anyway but put all that aside. WW feels she had good intentions about not inviting me like she didn't want in to be awkward for her. (Her BFF gave her really bad advice including teller her to lie to me when AP would contact WW during R) . I fell it was done out of spite towards me and our R process. Should I be this upset? WW says I'm playing too much into it Also she told me she wished I was there with her, but I got no phone call. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 You can be upset at the friend but not your WW if it really was a surprise. If your WW asked that you be excluded then I would revisit the idea of reconciliation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokenjmac Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 What upsets me is that WW isn't upset about this. She believes her BFF had the best on intentions. She is not a friend of the marriage but a friend of the affair.if some one did that to me ( exclude my wife) I would have a serious discussion about this and tell them it wasn't cool. I want my wife to see that there is some manipulation going on here. I tell her she has blinders on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 I see this 2 ways.. you are separated and the person giving the party obviously felt like you might put a damper on it... Nothing wrong with that as long as your WW didn't request it.. or... the AP was invited and you were excluded for that reason... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 Well you think you are reconciling... But you are not, and your wife is waiting for a place to jump off with somebody besides you? I don't know if you have posted anything about your wife's affair, but it this is any indication, you are being a fool. Let me explain, if you are going to try and reconcile, you don't separate. Separating gives her a chance to try out the OM without your interference. Next, if her BFF aided and knew about the affair and did not tell you, she does not get to hang around with BFF, she is not a friend of the marriage. If you have allowed these two things to happen, the you have probably done everything else wrong. You were probably not invited to the party so that her OM could go and not you, either way, you are foolish to allow any of this. If you want help, tell the whole story, but really you just need to file for divorce... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 If your wife didn't ask you and isn't terribly upset about you not being invited, I guess she didn't really care. Just how keen on reconciliation is your wife? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 (edited) What upsets me is that WW isn't upset about this. She believes her BFF had the best on intentions. She is not a friend of the marriage but a friend of the affair.if some one did that to me ( exclude my wife) I would have a serious discussion about this and tell them it wasn't cool. I want my wife to see that there is some manipulation going on here. I tell her she has blinders on. I'd say your wife is the one manipulating things. I'd be asking why you're still planning on reconciling when even your wife's friends don't act like you are trying to make the marriage work. Who does that? Oh ya...friends that realize she's not that into being married. Her BFF is not a friend of your marriage. IF you stay in this M she needs to get rid of this friend for good. This is a consequence of her cheating! What consequences has she had? Any? And notice how she's not worried about YOUR feelings! Your wife is not supportive of you. She's defending her friend instead of being concerned about how you feel slighted. That's wrong. Edited June 11, 2018 by S2B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ItIsNotMe Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 If she was wanting you to come, she would call you even during the party and ask you if you're able to come right now. If she loved/liked you so much, she would try her best to make you be a part of her birthday 5 Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 When she arrived at the party and saw you were not there why did she not call you and ask you to come? Could it be that her boyfriend was there? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 (edited) Move on and file for divorce. Edited June 11, 2018 by Simple Logic Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 Sorry but i have to agree with the others here plus, if you WW was all in to R, she would have not only called you but also chastised the BFF of your exclusion. BTW, she should be cutting off the BFF as she is not a friend of the M. This is just another sign that your WW is not all in on the R. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 Your WW does not have blinders on. She never had them on, ever. You want to believe that she is the woman that you thought you married, so the problem is external to her and she is somehow being manipulated. That is NOT the case. Your WW cheated on you. She was in her right mind, thinking clearly and was aware and fine with you not being at the party. It only took a phone call to call you and let you know that a party was going on and to give you a chance to get there, but she did not make it, did she? Of course not. Nothing wrong with loving your wife, even if she treats you like garbage. Start loving yourself like you love her and you will see that she is still wayward, not repentant, probably still cheating, and likely to cheat again and that you will accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 Where did you think your wife was going the night of her party? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 I can't know this of course, but I can just envision that they were trying to avoid drama. Your wife didn't care, so it was OK with her. You know, it's possible some of her friends think you're totally broken up and she doesn't want to have to explain you being there to them or something like that. Or maybe she finally told her family, but then is waffling and just wants to keep it simple. Maybe her friend literally didn't know whether she'd want you there or not, so she erred on the safe side with less drama for the party. Ends up being more drama at home, but....not the party. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 I can't know this of course, but I can just envision that they were trying to avoid drama. Your wife didn't care, so it was OK with her. You know, it's possible some of her friends think you're totally broken up and she doesn't want to have to explain you being there to them or something like that. Or maybe she finally told her family, but then is waffling and just wants to keep it simple. Maybe her friend literally didn't know whether she'd want you there or not, so she erred on the safe side with less drama for the party. Ends up being more drama at home, but....not the party. As experienced as you are, you actually... believe this stuff. Really? The BFF aided in the affair that his wife had. And that is just one red flag. I guess OP did not want to hear what we told him, but I lay money that WW's OM was at the party. OP is getting played... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokenjmac Posted June 12, 2018 Author Share Posted June 12, 2018 Hi all. Thanks for all the input. I was told the OM wasn't there. With MIL and step kids present I'm more to believe that but know that anything is possible. WW told me that BFF was taking her to lunch to celebrate birthday. This is all very eye opening to me. I have 2 schools of thought. 1 WW has been talking **** about me to BFF 2 BFF is just a nasty person that likes to cause drama. My eyes are open and this could end us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 Hi all. Thanks for all the input. I was told the OM wasn't there. With MIL and step kids present I'm more to believe that but know that anything is possible. WW told me that BFF was taking her to lunch to celebrate birthday. This is all very eye opening to me. I have 2 schools of thought. 1 WW has been talking **** about me to BFF 2 BFF is just a nasty person that likes to cause drama. My eyes are open and this could end us. Have you actually read the responses... that everyone has written? And this is what your response is? Who told you that OM was not there? Do you actually think that you are in reconciliation? Do you have the slightest idea what you are doing with this? Why have you allowed your wife to be friends with BFF? You can obviously can read and write, do you want help or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brokenjmac Posted June 12, 2018 Author Share Posted June 12, 2018 I came here to vent and get input. The help I am getting would come from my IC. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 Hi all. Thanks for all the input. I was told the OM wasn't there. With MIL and step kids present I'm more to believe that but know that anything is possible. WW told me that BFF was taking her to lunch to celebrate birthday. This is all very eye opening to me. I have 2 schools of thought. 1 WW has been talking **** about me to BFF 2 BFF is just a nasty person that likes to cause drama. My eyes are open and this could end us. So your MIL and step kids know you're trying to forgive your wife for cheating... and a party is thrown for your wife and none of them thought to ask why you weren't there? None of them called to say "hey come over here - we are having a party for Mom?" One thing seems sure since your wife keeps defending the friend who's not supportive of your marriage - you're wife isn't trying her best to repair the damage she caused and she's also not doing a good job of earning your trust back. In my experience marriages don't do well when the cheater isn't sorry they cheated they are only sorry they got caught. Your wife seems to fall into the latter category. Personally, if I'm being disrespected and there's no trust - I'd rather exit the relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 Hi all. Thanks for all the input. I was told the OM wasn't there. With MIL and step kids present I'm more to believe that but know that anything is possible. WW told me that BFF was taking her to lunch to celebrate birthday. This is all very eye opening to me. I have 2 schools of thought. 1 WW has been talking **** about me to BFF 2 BFF is just a nasty person that likes to cause drama. My eyes are open and this could end us. There's a reason why you are separated from her. Sounds like you need to remind yourself of it a bit more often. It's #1. This isn't your wife's BFF's fault---she's operating on the information your wife is giving her. This is your wife's doing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 You're trying to blame the BFF, but your wife has her own brain. Whatever the BFF is doing, the wife approves of and all info the BFF has came from the wife. Stop being in denial that your wife is who is really calling the shots here. Her friend is just being her support. Link to post Share on other sites
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