In need of advice for hurting girlfriend of a selfish boyfriend.

[brie3186]

I need advice from someone who doesn't have a bias, that's why I'm doing this. My sister already didn't like my boyfriend (she's never liked any of them) so she doesn't want me to be with him. Of course my boyfriend doesn't want me to leave him, so I need to talk to someone who really doesn't care what I do because it doesn't affect them.

 

About two months ago, my boyfriend of 6 months (we'll call him 'S') moved in with me and everything had been great. About a month ago I found an email on our shared computer from a female friend of his (let's call her 'C') saying something along the lines of "If my roommate, 'J', hadn't come home when she did, would something have happened between the two of us, besides the cuddling that already occurs - which is great for us, by the way...". I seem to have blacked out after that as I don't remember reading the rest of the lengthy message. His reply was yes. I looked at more messages between the two (I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it) where he would write things like "Do me" and "The cuddling was almost as good as everything else". The night I found them I talked to him and expressed my concern about their friendship and how I really didn't trust her or like her. I thought I was giving him every opportunity to let me know something happened, or that he wanted to be with her. He said I had nothing to worry about. That they were just friends, they were both in different relationships and he hardly ever saw her anyway. That he loved me. The next morning I told him I had seen the messages. What he said was something I wasn't prepared for.

 

I was prepared for S to say "Yes, I kissed her. Yes we cuddled on the couch. Yes I like her." I was not prepared for him telling me that they were cuddling while watching a movie (he says it didn't mean anything to him, it was just nice to feel liked again) and her roommate J came home and C and J were joking about the possibility of a threesome. S said "If I wasn't in my relationship, and C wasn't in hers, I don't see why not". Apparently C and J started something happening, S freaked out and came home. That night, I didn't ask him where he had been because I already knew. Even though I hadn't found the emails, I knew he was with her. Before going to bed, he told me he loved me. It was the first time. Now knowing what occurred that night in order for him to tell me how he felt makes me feel sick. Confronting him didn't help, because as much as you want to know, you really don't. And I just wasn't prepared for what he was telling me. That he didn't actually cheat on me, that he was selfish and insecure about our relationship and my feelings towards him and he needed something that insignificant, but an ultimately huge mistake, for him to realize I was the only person he needed and wanted. Now he talks about wanting to marry me, and plotting out a subconscious plan to have children with me. But I can't trust him to be honest with me.

 

And last night it got worse. I found out that when C and J "started something", it included all 3 of them removing their clothes before he freaked out and left. When I asked him if he had "hooked up" with them (words J had used in an email to him) he said "I wouldn't call it hooking up, but it is something you'd be uncomfortable with. It's something I was uncomfortable with." He said the flirty emails back and forth were because he didn't want people to hate him, even though he knew he'd never spend time with them again. I told him that in his quest to make the most insignificant of people feel like they mattered and like they weren't hated, he was killing me. Our relationship has really suffered and I have zero trust for him. I love him, but sometimes it hurts to be around him, although I'm not sure which would be worse right now. To be with him, or to be without him. He said the reason he never told me is because he knew I would've broken up with him and "If you get the chance to be with the love of your life, happily, wouldn't you take that over ruining it over something so trivial and insignificant?". I told him no, because I'm not that selfish. That if I really loved someone they deserved to know the truth from the beginning. It's a fresh wound and the easiest way to heal it would be to ask him to leave and never speak to me again, but I'm done taking the easy way out of things. I just don't want to destroy what's left of our relationship because of my pain. Help! Thank you.

[lindya]

Flirting with some other woman via email because he doesn't want people to "hate" him? It sounds a strange sort of logic. My biggest worry here is that your boyfriend seems, from what you've written, to have a somewhat weak character. People like that can be difficult to have mature and trusting relationships with. They often tend to disappoint/let down those who care about them.

 

You've got a big decision to make here. He's clarified his position on the matter of cheating. He sees the cheating (if you call it that - I would) as "trivial and insignificant". To him, it appears, the cheating itself wasn't the problem; you finding out was the problem. You take a very different view of events, and place great store by partners being honest and up-front with eachother. I think you'll need to sit down together and discuss whether - and how - you can make the relationship work when you both have such a different outlook on an issue as important as infidelity.

[tanbark813]

A common and useful tactic for liars is to only lie as much as is necessary. You're less likely to trip up in your own details and stories. (However, anyone with a good memory and the ability to think logically will ultimately be able to catch a person in a lie by discovering inconsistent details if they are patient enough.)

 

His story went from "you have nothing to worry about" to "it was cuddling" to "it was almost a threesome" (or actually was). He's only admitting to what he knows you know. You said yourself you gave him every opportunity to confess and he didn't take the chance.

 

Originally posted by brie3186

Now knowing what occurred that night in order for him to tell me how he felt makes me feel sick. Confronting him didn't help, because as much as you want to know, you really don't. And I just wasn't prepared for what he was telling me. That he didn't actually cheat on me, that he was selfish and insecure about our relationship and my feelings towards him and he needed something that insignificant, but an ultimately huge mistake, for him to realize I was the only person he needed and wanted.

 

Not only is he trying to paint himself as the hero, but he's not even really accepting responsibility for his actions by calling the incident "insignificant". Using that word is also a subtle way of trivializing and invalidating your feelings.

 

Originally posted by brie3186

When I asked him if he had "hooked up" with them (words J had used in an email to him) he said "I wouldn't call it hooking up, but it is something you'd be uncomfortable with. It's something I was uncomfortable with."

 

How noble of him. Given that he'll only admit to what you've found out on your own, what are the odds he's being 100% honest with you now? Do you really think a guy who will cuddle with a girl and write "do me" to her in an email wouldn't take the opportunity to be with her if she got naked in front of him?

 

Originally posted by brie3186

He said the reason he never told me is because he knew I would've broken up with him..

 

There are several problems with this statement:

1. It reinforces the last question in that he's admitting that if he slept with her that he wouldn't tell you.

2. He didn't respect you enough to be honest.

3. He took away your chance to make that decision for yourself.

4. It's a selfish rationalization.

 

Originally posted by brie3186

I love him, but sometimes it hurts to be around him, although I'm not sure which would be worse right now. To be with him, or to be without him.

 

I'm sure initially it would hurt more without him but the question is what would be best in the long run. Pain like that eventually goes away (as anyone on this site can attest to). Behavior like this is not easily changed and a ring and marriage license are certainly no cure.

[d'Arthez]

Sad to say, that Tanbark is completely correct on this one.

[FolderWife]

Yup, I could just copy and paste tanbark's reply, instead of writing out my own.

 

He is f***ing her! He is f***ing her! He is f***ing her! (apparently, you have to hear something three times for it to sink in...or something like that)

 

So yeah, they are doing it. He's living in YOUR place and doing someone else.

 

and P.S. The oldest trick in the book when you're caught is to love up to the person who caught you more. So you caught him cheating on you (via the emails) so he told you that he loved you...for the first time.

 

So now, you'll think, "He finally said he loved me! I can't give up on us now, JUST when he's finally realizing that he loves me."

 

And yes...notice that he will only own up to things that you already know about...notice that he won't admit anything that you don't have evidence to back up.

 

And I bet if you rechecked his email he's deleted everything so you won't have any proof of his infidelity. Also, if he deleted it, you won't be able to go back and re read it for more clues!