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Ex-gf is not sure?


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Hi everyone.

 

My ex and I broke up 2 years ago, and we were together for 1. The reason of the break up is the distance (we live roughly 100 miles away and it wasn't the easiest thing), my issues (I was trying to control her a lot) etc. However I have improved myself. She also made a lot of mistakes, its not like it was only my fault, and I think she is already aware of that. I blocked her everywhere (but I forgot to block her on WhatsApp) so I could move on, and after a year of no contact, she messaged me on my bday, in January 2018. She said how she misses me a lot, wants to talk to me and stuff. I want to say that in the meantime she would tell a good friend of mine how she misses me and stuff, and he was telling her "Move on". So I decided to let her talk to me.

 

Since then, we have been non stop talking almost everyday. I can say there is still a huge connection between us, and it's really fun talking to her. The past month we have been also flirting a lot, she shows many signs, talking about our future etc etc.

 

So, yesterday I decided to talk to her about our relationship. I told her that I love her, she responded with "Seriously?" and then said "I love you too". She was also honest and said that in the meantime she tried to have a boyfriend, but she told herself that no one is like me, and that I am right one for her so she backed off. She thanked me for everything, and told me that she misses me and thinks about me everyday.

 

I asked her if she wants to give it a try and take things slowly (I don't want to rush into it). She said ''Do you think it will work now?''. I said that it can work if we both really want that. She said ''I want to, but we will get hurt again because of distance''. I told her that distance is an issue, but I am willing to move permanently to her once I am done with studies, and in the meantime we can meet each other as often as possible. It's not like I like long distane relationships. I am not willing to stay like that for ever, I plan on moving once I will be able to. And no, that's not going to happen in a decade. I love her a lot, so distance doesn't matter to me. She asked me at some point "So what are we going to do?". I told her that, and she said ''Sure, but we should just take things slowly''. I asked her if that's what she truly wants, she said ''Yeah, kind of, I don't want to get hurt again''. Then I asked her again if she wants to give it a try at least, so I could be sure, and she said ''I don't know if we should, someone will try to destroy us, as always''. Now, what she means by saying that? There is that girl who liked me a lot when I was with my ex, and she still does anyway. Let's call this girl A. My ex would get really jealous even though I never tried anything with A, flirted with her and whatnot. It's all on my ex's mind. I remember she used to be very jealous, and I decided to stop talking to A so she could understand that I love only her. I don't know why she said that she destroyed us though, I am not sure what A told her, I am afraid she told her some **** about me. How low. Anyway, I told her that I don't talk to A anymore and that she never destroyed us. She said ''No,she did destroy us, and that's what you said last time too'' (that I stopped talking to her, even though that's true, idk what she means).

 

So I told her ''Then forget about everything I said''. She replied with ''We will see, let's just keep talking''. I also want to say that she disabled WhatsApp feauture where you can see someone's last seen. Not sure why but yeah. Then I told her again "Just forget about it", she said "No, we will just wait, something will happen for sure".

 

What do you advise me to do? Do you think she legit wants to get back with me and wants some time to be sure, or is she just stringing me along?

 

TL:DR: Ex-girlfriend is not sure whether we should give it another chance or not, even though it looks like that's something she really wants. What to do?

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ExpatInItaly

Who don't you just ask her directly how A destroyed you and if she has heard from her?

 

She's currently being too cryptic for a relationship to develop again. Unless you know exactly what she's referring to, you're going to keep running into a brick wall here. Only she can decide if she wants to open up communication about what her issues are and if she is willing to tackle them; if she doesn't, you need to close this door.

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Who don't you just ask her directly how A destroyed you and if she has heard from her?

 

She's currently being too cryptic for a relationship to develop again. Unless you know exactly what she's referring to, you're going to keep running into a brick wall here. Only she can decide if she wants to open up communication about what her issues are and if she is willing to tackle them; if she doesn't, you need to close this door.

 

Well, she has told me; distance, the fear of getting hurt and destroyed by someone else. Distance..it is an issue, yes, but I am willing to perm move there once I will be able to. When there's love, there are no excuses. Distance exists for me too. The fear of getting hurt, I understand her, really, she used to cry a lot back then, not that it was my fault, but she is very sensitive and suffered a lot, like I did. I am also afraid to of getting hurt, hence why I want to take things very slow. Now, the fear of someone destroying our relationship..she refers to that girl, and it seems like she is still jealous. I don't talk to her anymore, and I really don't know what the **** she was telling her back then. All I know is that the last month, when we broke up, she was constantly talking to this girl. Especially the last days. So I am pretty sure she did something. I might ask her at some point, but I really don't want to talk about her.

 

My ex actually said we should take things slow, but she is kinda unsure. I don't believe she is stringing me along, even though sometimes I do feel it. She is a very beautiful girl, and she gets hit a lot. If she wants a boyfriend, she can easily get one. Also, as I said, in the meantime, when we were not together (the 1 year of no contact), she tried to have a boyfriend but told herself no one she is like me so she backed off, and she said I am the right one. That is not a lie, because back in November, she told that my friend aswell, and that time I wasn't even talking to him. She has done a lot those months, she talks about our future and stuff, flirts, everything, but it looks like she hesitates.

 

I think I have two options

 

I either take it slow and see where it goes, since her actions and words have proved that she does want to be with me, with a possibility of failing and getting disappointed

 

or I just block her and I move on. But what if she does really want to be with me? I don't want to miss the chance. And I also love her. She said she loves me too, and that's definitely not a lie.

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I'm assuming she broke up with you the first time?

 

Something doesn't feel right. Her reasons for not trying again seem off to be honest.

 

I kind of know how you feel because I had an ex come back after a year, but I chose to say nothing and let her talk. She did talk but it wasn't of substance so I let it go. I will never know what she wanted exactly but it probably wasn't going to end well for me.

 

I think your ex is surprised how you moved on and how you are being strong. I think she might hang around whilst you maintain that behavior. But the second you show any weakness or emotion, I think she will be gone again.

 

It can be really ugly dealing with a female dumper when they come back like this. They can come across as caring but it can be the exact opposite.

 

Not saying male dumpers can't be douche bags but their game tends to be more obvious and it's usually about sex etc.

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I'm assuming she broke up with you the first time?

 

Something doesn't feel right. Her reasons for not trying again seem off to be honest.

 

I kind of know how you feel because I had an ex come back after a year, but I chose to say nothing and let her talk. She did talk but it wasn't of substance so I let it go. I will never know what she wanted exactly but it probably wasn't going to end well for me.

 

I think your ex is surprised how you moved on and how you are being strong. I think she might hang around whilst you maintain that behavior. But the second you show any weakness or emotion, I think she will be gone again.

 

It can be really ugly dealing with a female dumper when they come back like this. They can come across as caring but it can be the exact opposite.

 

Not saying male dumpers can't be douche bags but their game tends to be more obvious and it's usually about sex etc.

 

Yeah she broke up. Honestly, I don't know man. She also recently (few days ago) disabled whatsapp last seen feature. Not sure why but yeah. She did it a day after we talked about our relationship. Coincidence? I doubt it..

 

I have mixed feelings right now. A part of me says she legit wants me back since she has done/said all that stuff, and that she needs some time to be sure, and other part of me hates myself for possibly failing into a possible trap. I don't want to miss any chance of me getting back with her. I don't. I love her. But at the same time, I don't want to just fall into her trap and then get mad at myself for being so stupid. I just don't know what to do man, it sucks, I swear. And the fact that she has a busy schedule, way busier than mine, leading to occasional late replies, makes me overthink hard.

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Yeah she broke up. Honestly, I don't know man. She also recently (few days ago) disabled whatsapp last seen feature. Not sure why but yeah. She did it a day after we talked about our relationship. Coincidence? I doubt it..

 

I have mixed feelings right now. A part of me says she legit wants me back since she has done/said all that stuff, and that she needs some time to be sure, and other part of me hates myself for possibly failing into a possible trap. I don't want to miss any chance of me getting back with her. I don't. I love her. But at the same time, I don't want to just fall into her trap and then get mad at myself for being so stupid. I just don't know what to do man, it sucks, I swear. And the fact that she has a busy schedule, way busier than mine, leading to occasional late replies, makes me overthink hard.

 

I know the predicament well.

 

I was in a LDR for around 9 years, had a couple of BUs but in 2015, the last BU pretty much sealed the deal because she met someone else.

 

Anyway, I really did love her, The first year after the BU I would contact her like once every couple of months, just to try to get some answers but it was horrible, nothing was gained from the contact.

 

Fastrack a year later to 2016 her new relationship ended and she started to contact me. I still wasn't over everything but like you I had reached the stage of being very watchful of the situation. Anyway, we ended up meeting on a holiday. Can't say it went great, but we got through it without any drama, felt like a trip of "good will" I guess.

 

Anyway a few months after that she disappeared for good, obviously because the other guy came back.

 

Last 6 months of 2016, there was zero contact. Then in 2017, she started bread crumbing me for the whole year, I'd say overall she tried to reach out about a dozen times via sms, email and social media. I only replied once (middle of 2017) and basically asked her what she wanted to say. She dodged the question, back to NC but she continued to breadcrumb for 6 more months.

 

Haven't heard from here this year, I guess she gave up because she never really wanted to reconcile anyway. We really haven't spoken for 2 years, just her breadcrumbs that I never responded to except for once.

 

I guess i'm telling you this so you can get an idea of how things might play out in your scenario.

 

As for me right now, I do still have the odd pang for her. I really did like her. Problem is I just couldn't forget about all the stuff she did and wasn't even able to totally forgive her.

 

I also know that if I can't totally forgive her and be ok with the past, then we could never work out in the future. The only way that could have maybe been fixed is if she came out and asked for forgiveness rather than just bread crumbing.

 

Most women aren't going to operate like that, especially someone from her culture. Women prefer to be subtle in their actions. So it's a stalemate, broken and cannot be fixed.

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Regarding whatsapp, disabling "last seen" isn't that big a deal. Disabling read receipts would be a bigger deal because that would imply she doesn't want you to know when she has read your messages and possibly doesn't want to know when/if you read her's.

 

I guess disabling "last seen" has some significance but not as much as turning off read receipts.

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Have you seen her since you started talking again? Have you at least been having serious conversations like this over phone calls or video chats instead of text? Sounds to me like she's afraid of the distance and one or the other of you meeting someone else who lives closer. How soon could you move? Would you be moving for any reason besides her?

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Have you seen her since you started talking again? Have you at least been having serious conversations like this over phone calls or video chats instead of text? Sounds to me like she's afraid of the distance and one or the other of you meeting someone else who lives closer. How soon could you move? Would you be moving for any reason besides her?

 

No I haven't.

 

Serious conversations..well occasionally, we usually joke around and have fun. The most serious convo we had was regarding our relationship, few days ago. I am not gonna lie, in order to move PERMANENTLY there it might take a few years (3-4). But I am planning on visiting her as often as I can. Again, distance doesn't exist when there is love. It's not like I like LDRs. I dislike the fact that I can't hug her, kiss her. But letting her go will do more harm than good, for me at least. And no, the only reason I would move there is because of her.

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Regarding whatsapp, disabling "last seen" isn't that big a deal. Disabling read receipts would be a bigger deal because that would imply she doesn't want you to know when she has read your messages and possibly doesn't want to know when/if you read her's.

 

I guess disabling "last seen" has some significance but not as much as turning off read receipts.

 

Well, still, by doing that, isn't she attempting to somehow ignore me 'in peace'? Since she disabled her last seen, I don't see her replying late, she replies as fast as she used to, maybe a bit later though. And that concerns me a bit too. Why would she disabled It? I doubt it's because of someone else.

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Ok. From what you've said, I personally don't think she's trying to do anything shady, and her being unsure makes complete sense to me. I'm going to make some statements based on how I'd feel in this situation below, and I'm not the same person she is, but it's a female perspective.

 

You haven't seen each other in a year. I find it difficult to know exactly how I feel about someone romantically if I haven't been in person with them in that long and we'd broken up since the last time we saw each other. It's just such a different experience to see someone, touch them, smell them, remember what that's all like. I wouldn't want to recommit without an actual visit first.

 

Plus, you probably can't see her frequently for another three years. Sure, you may not like long distance (I did it when I was younger for 9 months, it sucked, then we dated for another year after he moved back to our city). But you can handle it. However, not everyone can, love or not. She is telling you her concerns and discomfort with resuming long distance. It clearly makes her insecure to not be around you more often, and even though she loves you, that doesn't mean the relationship works for her in that circumstance because it doesn't meet her needs. That's not your fault, it is the situation, but that's probably why she's on the fence and needs time to work it out.

 

I also found long distance makes everything more intense because you have so much space to miss each other. The 9 months I was apart from that ex many years ago were filled with visits of absolute joy and deep lows afterwards when we missed each other. When we resumed our relationship in person, it was totally different than that and we found we weren't compatible day to day in the long run (though we were also very young and inexperienced).

 

I think what would help you right now is better communication. If you're having serious conversations about your relationship, do them over the phone at the very least. Don't text about the important stuff, you lose all sorts of vocal tone and subtly. It also may make her feel more secure to actually hear from you or video chat with her more (I don't know for sure if this suggestion is true, some people do hate talking on the phone, but you should ask her if it would help her feel more connected to you). I suspect if you are able to figure out how to help her feel more secure in an LDR, you'll get the result you want. But depending on your age, 3-4 years is a really big ask, and if she has to walk away it doesn't sound like it's because she doesn't love you. Good luck.

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You broke up for 3 very valid reasons: 1). You were controlling. 2). the distance & 3). this girl A

 

Only 2 of those 3 things have been resolved & I'm not so sure you won't go back to being controlling again, so maybe none of the 3 have been resolved.

 

She's also too skittish to try again, especially if she thinks that the actions of a third party, girl A, will affect the outcome of your relationship.

 

So no I don't think you should try again. All it will do is put you right back where you were which wasn't working. This is not about wanting to try again. This "reconnection" is about loneliness & nostalgia not a real desire to be with you, just a desire to not be alone. This business about you two saying you still love each other is rubbish. You may love who you think the person was 2+ years ago when you were together before things fell apart but you don't even know each other now. How can you be in love with somebody you don't know?

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You broke up for 3 very valid reasons: 1). You were controlling. 2). the distance & 3). this girl A

 

Only 2 of those 3 things have been resolved & I'm not so sure you won't go back to being controlling again, so maybe none of the 3 have been resolved.

 

She's also too skittish to try again, especially if she thinks that the actions of a third party, girl A, will affect the outcome of your relationship.

 

So no I don't think you should try again. All it will do is put you right back where you were which wasn't working. This is not about wanting to try again. This "reconnection" is about loneliness & nostalgia not a real desire to be with you, just a desire to not be alone. This business about you two saying you still love each other is rubbish. You may love who you think the person was 2+ years ago when you were together before things fell apart but you don't even know each other now. How can you be in love with somebody you don't know?

 

1) Controlling: I was being like that because of my insecurities. I used to suffer a lot from low self esteem and confidence. It sucked. That's all I can say. But I have improved myself a lot. I am not how I used to be anymore, and I tried to better myself in the meantime, when we weren't talking. There is no way I will become how I was.

 

2) A girl I am going to say that again, I never flirted with A girl, never gave her any hopes and what not. My ex used to be best friends with this girl. But after I got into a relationship with my ex, A started being so jealous because she liked me, so she was doing much ****. I don't talk to A anymore, nor I am planning to. And..how come is she going to destroy us if I don't let her to?

 

3) Distance: It exists for me too. I know, it's hard, for me aswell. But I love her, and that makes me ignore distance. It's not like I want to be with her for ever in a LDR, obviously not. I will try to visit her as often as I can until I permanently move there.

 

What makes you think I don't love her? First of all, love doesn't fade. That's what I personally believe at least. Once you TRULY love someone, you will always love them no matter what. It's not about feeling lonely. I could have tried something with another girl if I wanted to. I had offers. She also had, as she also admitted. But I didn't, because I love her. I have been talking to her for 4 months so far, and all I can see is the same person. The one I once fell in love with. Let's say it doesn't work. I won't try to find someone else. Because I don't feel the need to be in a relationship. Nostalgia..We legit treat this as something new. I do at least. It's like I met this person for the first time 4 months ago.

 

It beats me when you question my feelings, especially when you are not me.

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Ok. From what you've said, I personally don't think she's trying to do anything shady, and her being unsure makes complete sense to me. I'm going to make some statements based on how I'd feel in this situation below, and I'm not the same person she is, but it's a female perspective.

 

You haven't seen each other in a year. I find it difficult to know exactly how I feel about someone romantically if I haven't been in person with them in that long and we'd broken up since the last time we saw each other. It's just such a different experience to see someone, touch them, smell them, remember what that's all like. I wouldn't want to recommit without an actual visit first.

 

Plus, you probably can't see her frequently for another three years. Sure, you may not like long distance (I did it when I was younger for 9 months, it sucked, then we dated for another year after he moved back to our city). But you can handle it. However, not everyone can, love or not. She is telling you her concerns and discomfort with resuming long distance. It clearly makes her insecure to not be around you more often, and even though she loves you, that doesn't mean the relationship works for her in that circumstance because it doesn't meet her needs. That's not your fault, it is the situation, but that's probably why she's on the fence and needs time to work it out.

 

I also found long distance makes everything more intense because you have so much space to miss each other. The 9 months I was apart from that ex many years ago were filled with visits of absolute joy and deep lows afterwards when we missed each other. When we resumed our relationship in person, it was totally different than that and we found we weren't compatible day to day in the long run (though we were also very young and inexperienced).

 

I think what would help you right now is better communication. If you're having serious conversations about your relationship, do them over the phone at the very least. Don't text about the important stuff, you lose all sorts of vocal tone and subtly. It also may make her feel more secure to actually hear from you or video chat with her more (I don't know for sure if this suggestion is true, some people do hate talking on the phone, but you should ask her if it would help her feel more connected to you). I suspect if you are able to figure out how to help her feel more secure in an LDR, you'll get the result you want. But depending on your age, 3-4 years is a really big ask, and if she has to walk away it doesn't sound like it's because she doesn't love you. Good luck.

 

You haven't seen each other in a year. I find it difficult to know exactly how I feel about someone romantically if I haven't been in person with them in that long and we'd broken up since the last time we saw each other. It's just such a different experience to see someone, touch them, smell them, remember what that's all like. I wouldn't want to recommit without an actual visit first.

 

Regarding this, I would like to say that when I got first into a relationship with her, it happened over text. We met on the Internet and we started talking. We both started flirting pretty quickly, we had so many similarities and I could see she was perfect for me. Then roughly after 1-2 months, I met her, and it was wonderful. What I am saying is, we got into a relationship before even seeing each other in person. I do understand that a year has passed since our last talk, and two years since the break up, but I have been talking to her for 4 months so far, and I can see she is the same person. Of course she has matured up, I have, but she is the girl I once fell in love with. That's why I didn't jump to it anyway and waited 4 months before tryint something even.

 

You are right. When you are in a LDR you miss your other half so much. I remember when we used to meet, every 2-3 months or so, it was like..I can't even describe it. And when I had to leave..tears. But as I said, I don't want to stay in a LDR for ever, and that will not happen, I will perm move there if things go ok. Once I am done with studies I am willing to, and in the meantime I hope I can meet her as often as possible. I know guys who were in a LDR for YEARS, and they both stayed together and later on married. I know, it's not the same for everyone, and what I want at this point is to reassure her everything will go alright. She has her doubts. I have my doubts. She is afraid, I am afraid. But if she wants to be with me but can't because of distance, why would she do all that? Why would she deny any other dudes who tried to approach her in the meantime when WE WEREN'T talking and when I had her blocked from every social media account? Why would she tell herself that no one is like me, even though she knew she would never ever talk to me again? Why would she tell my friend back then how she misses me? And...why would she do all that all those 4 months? Talking about our future, flirting a lot and what not.

 

Sometimes I feel she legit wants to get back with me but is afraid (and I am willing to help her get over this), and sometimes I feel she might be stringing me along, don't ask why I feel like that, I am so negative when it comes to her.

 

I would like to talk to her on phone (call), but I am not sure if she wants. I haven't asked her yet, but I think she feels uncomfortably doing so.

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I don't think girl A has any impact on this at all, but your EX does & that is all that maters. This is what you posted.

 

Then I asked her again if she wants to give it a try at least, so I could be sure, and she said ''I don't know if we should, someone will try to destroy us, as always''.

 

I understand how much you improved & commend you for same. I just fear that she will drag you back to where you were.

 

Unlike you I believe that you can't go back. If I loved someone & they broke my heart, hell yeah my love for them would fade. I certainly wouldn't trust them if they came back to my life in the lukewarm, I'm not sure, wishy washy your EX is teasing you with. If she won't even talk on the phone with you, I see very little hope for reconciliation.

 

Based on your ardent response to my opinion that getting back together

won't work -- and please try to remember you asked us for our opinions -- I suspect that you are going try no matter what I say so I will wish you well but don't say I didn't warn you. That negative voice in your head about her is there for a reason: to protect you. Ignore it at your own peril.

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I don't think girl A has any impact on this at all, but your EX does & that is all that maters. This is what you posted.

 

 

 

I understand how much you improved & commend you for same. I just fear that she will drag you back to where you were.

 

Unlike you I believe that you can't go back. If I loved someone & they broke my heart, hell yeah my love for them would fade. I certainly wouldn't trust them if they came back to my life in the lukewarm, I'm not sure, wishy washy your EX is teasing you with. If she won't even talk on the phone with you, I see very little hope for reconciliation.

 

Based on your ardent response to my opinion that getting back together

won't work -- and please try to remember you asked us for our opinions -- I suspect that you are going try no matter what I say so I will wish you well but don't say I didn't warn you. That negative voice in your head about her is there for a reason: to protect you. Ignore it at your own peril.

 

I want to say sorry in case you felt that I disrespected your opinion. I came here to get some advices, and that's what I got, including from you. If I was sure whether I should proceed or not, I wouldn't post here. I also feel that it might not work. I also feel it might work. But the reason why I replied like that is because you questioned my feelings, and all I can say is that I love her, and that's the truth.

 

I will see what I am going to do. I appreciate the time you spent in order to help me out. Take care.

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good luck it with it man.

 

your ex is being wishy washy with you as others have said. But sadly, most returning female dumpers operate this way... very subtle and confusing behavior.

 

It's kind of like dealing with women in the very early dating stage where they are testing you and holding back but its worse because she knows all the buttons to push.

 

My advice would be that until she starts showing more of a vulnerability, leave it be. If she starts talking about her life, gives you insight into her thoughts, she's showing a vulnerability. At that point you could reconsider things.

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good luck it with it man.

 

your ex is being wishy washy with you as others have said. But sadly, most returning female dumpers operate this way... very subtle and confusing behavior.

 

It's kind of like dealing with women in the very early dating stage where they are testing you and holding back but its worse because she knows all the buttons to push.

 

My advice would be that until she starts showing more of a vulnerability, leave it be. If she starts talking about her life, gives you insight into her thoughts, she's showing a vulnerability. At that point you could reconsider things.

 

But what does "leave it be" mean? Should I stop talking to her? Flirting? Showing my interest?

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But what does "leave it be" mean? Should I stop talking to her? Flirting? Showing my interest?

 

That's the 64 million dollar question. That's why its soooooooo hard to win exes back.

 

Most of the time it means you going total No Contact. That forces her to stop sitting on the fence. But I'll warn you by saying that 95% of the time that strategy just re-enforces the breakup. But you will definitely save your dignity and she will respect you more as well (not that it really matters if you never speak again). And you have already done one year NC so the whole thing is skating on thin ice as it is. But there's a 5 per cent chance she would break the NC at some point and finally open her mouth and speak her mind which is the only real chance of a proper reconciliation.

 

After being messed around like you have been, I took the above approach. Got bread crumbed for a year. The crumbs got juicier and I was tempted to respond on quite a few occasions but I had to make a rule that until she displayed a vulnerability and it was clear to see (not wishy washy stuff), then I had to keep my silence. I haven't heard from her for 6 months so that appears to be the nail in the coffin.

 

The history of your relationship seems shorter and less messy so you could approach things slightly differently. I think at the very least you let her initiate all contact, never be the one to initiate, that helps to see where she is at. If that bothers her and you really still want this to work, you could say your taking a step back because the situation is confusing. You could tell her that if and when she has a clearer picture of what she wants, you could discuss it then. Keeps the door slightly ajar whilst you keep you dignity and possibly your sanity.

 

Thing is the second approach will delay the inevitable which is most likely to get over her and move on.

 

Don't give her what she wants, to get over her guilt and feed her ego. Give her as little as possible, possibly give her nothing (NC) and there's a small chance she might speak up but it's a small chance. She broke up with you, it's up to her to do most of the work here (at least initially).

Edited by marky00
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That's the 64 million dollar question. That's why its soooooooo hard to win exes back.

 

Most of the time it means you going total No Contact. That forces her to stop sitting on the fence. But I'll warn you by saying that 95% of the time that strategy just re-enforces the breakup. But you will definitely save your dignity and she will respect you more as well (not that it really matters if you never speak again). And you have already done one year NC so the whole thing is skating on thin ice as it is. But there's a 5 per cent chance she would break the NC at some point and finally open her mouth and speak her mind which is the only real chance of a proper reconciliation.

 

After being messed around like you have been, I took the above approach. Got bread crumbed for a year. The crumbs got juicier and I was tempted to respond on quite a few occasions but I had to make a rule that until she displayed a vulnerability and it was clear to see (not wishy washy stuff), then I had to keep my silence. I haven't heard from her for 6 months so that appears to be the nail in the coffin.

 

The history of your relationship seems shorter and less messy so you could approach things slightly differently. I think at the very least you let her initiate all contact, never be the one to initiate, that helps to see where she is at. If that bothers her and you really still want this to work, you could say your taking a step back because the situation is confusing. You could tell her that if and when she has a clearer picture of what she wants, you could discuss it then. Keeps the door slightly ajar whilst you keep you dignity and possibly your sanity.

 

Thing is the second approach will delay the inevitable which is most likely to get over her and move on.

 

Don't give her what she wants, to get over her guilt and feed her ego. Give her as little as possible, possibly give her nothing (NC) and there's a small chance she might speak up but it's a small chance. She broke up with you, it's up to her to do most of the work here (at least initially).

 

It sucks mate. I can also see that since I confessed my feelings for her (actually we both did that), she is a bit more distant. That might not be true, and it can be because of my overthinking, but I feel that her replies are relatively shorter. Also, the fact that she disabled Whatsapp last seen makes me think that she has no interest anymore.

 

Am I disappointed (once again)? Yes. Am I somehow hurt? Yes. But I am not going to blame anyone, it's my fault. I am afraid to go no contact with her, because even if there is a 0,0001 chance the whole thing will work, I don't want to miss it buy starting ignoring her and what not. Well, I don't initiate contact. She doesn't. We basically never stop talking, we reply to each other's messages.

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You were not speaking for a year already. The problem to begin with here is distance, so why would you give her more if she doesn't ask for it? I don't think 3-4 years of more ldr is going to do either of you any good, so if you walk away let it be because one or both of you think that. But going quiet on her now is about ego and playing a game. If you want to "fight" for her, then you've got to rebuild that strong connection. But that takes time and patience and you may risk rejection. If you don't have the patience to be patient with her and can't handle ambiguity for a while, and possible rejection after that, then stop chatting with her in order to move on. Otherwise, talk to her about what she wants and what makes her feel secure in a relationship. I don't think you need to play games and save face if you really broke up before over distance. She didn't cheat or treat you badly. But since the distance hasn't changed, there's a high chance you end up breaking up again for the same reason even if you do win her back. If THAT risk is too great, then either tell her you need to take space until you get over her enough to be friends (assuming you want her in your life), or make the decision now to friend zone her.

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It sucks mate. I can also see that since I confessed my feelings for her (actually we both did that), she is a bit more distant. That might not be true, and it can be because of my overthinking, but I feel that her replies are relatively shorter.

 

Classic push pull

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But going quiet on her now is about ego and playing a game..

 

No it's not.

 

Him going No Contact is about saving his sanity and his dignity. And while he goes about that, she has his contact details if she figures out what she wants.

 

He can't talk to her about what she wants and lay it on the table like you suggest because that strategy hasn't got him anywhere.

 

She knows he loves her and knows he's telling the truth that he wants to make the distance work because that is his heart talking.

 

He can talk to her till he is blue in the face but it probably won't make difference because her heart isn't in it.

 

This is not a game. She dumped him. As of now, her original decision stands. She's said nothing to make it seem otherwise. She hasn't even made it clear she likes him. He has nothing to work from.

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She hasn't even made it clear she likes him. He has nothing to work from.

 

Not that I fully disagree with you, but the fact that:

 

1. She is the one who messaged me after a year of no contact

2. Kept taking to a friend of mine about me saying how she can't move on

3. Tried to get a boyfriend in the meantime but backed off cuz she told herself no one is like me

4. Has been flirting a lot the past months, including talking about our future, and generally seeing us as a couple (many things I can't mention because it will take for ever)

5. Told me few days ago when I confessed that she loves me, she thanked me for everything and said that she thinks about me and misses me everyday

6. Told me she wants to be with me but is unsure because of distance (and even asked at some point "So what are we going to do")

 

All those things don't suggest at least that she actually likes me?

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Not that I fully disagree with you, but the fact that:

 

1. She is the one who messaged me after a year of no contact

2. Kept taking to a friend of mine about me saying how she can't move on

3. Tried to get a boyfriend in the meantime but backed off cuz she told herself no one is like me

4. Has been flirting a lot the past months, including talking about our future, and generally seeing us as a couple (many things I can't mention because it will take for ever)

5. Told me few days ago when I confessed that she loves me, she thanked me for everything and said that she thinks about me and misses me everyday

6. Told me she wants to be with me but is unsure because of distance (and even asked at some point "So what are we going to do")

 

All those things don't suggest at least that she actually likes me?

 

A month before my ex dumped me, she said we would have amazingly looking kids. Lots of other weird stuff. In those last few months, i'd say she treated me the best she'd ever had.

 

It's a common thing people do during and after breakups. Helps relieve guilt, makes them feel like a less horrible person.

 

I know it's confusing but you need to go with the reality.

 

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

 

But if what you say is true, then if you go NC, she will speak up anyway and you will be proven right.

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