Getting back together - so angry and resentful

[randomname2018]

We are in our 30's. We lived together for 2 years (moved in pretty quickly because she lived in another country so I moved there to be with her). Things got really toxic pretty quickly. We stuck it out. She had been telling me she wanted me to leave time and time again (I moved in with her) but I hung in there to try and make things work. We saw counseling (which I paid for), I gave up friends she wasn't comfortable with. I gave my life to try and work this out. Finally, I've had too much so I decide to move out and return to the last place I lived to reconnect with friends. She didn't want me to go now, but I did anyway because I was so depressed and just began to hate myself for not being able to make her happy.

 

While we are apart I tell her I'm not interested in being with anyone else. I want space to "refill my buckets" so I have energy to give into this relationship again. Yes it was questionable what was going to happen with is in the future, but I knew being with other people would put nails in the coffin - so I wasn't even open to flirting with anyone.

 

We were apart for 5 months. Most of that time we were talking every day - aside from the times she blocked me after a fight. The first time she blocked me she blocked me for 2 weeks and had a one night stand in that time. She didn't tell me about it for another month or so later when I asked and pressed her for the truth. Shortly after that she has another one night stand while we were talking to each other. In fact she was texting me "I love you I miss you" while there was another guy in her bed. It disgusts me.

 

Finally she blocked me again this time for a month. She had a full on dating relationship with a guy in her friend circle that I knew that she had previously told me "she wasn't interested in". They slept together for a month. I didn't know about this yet, but I reached out to her to try and see how she was doing and possibly trying to do this again after having some time apart.

 

I understand we weren't together and we were both free to "do what we want". But I can't help feeling so hateful and angry that she took the time apart to **** around. During that time I was really sad and depressed and tried to make every decision with her and I in mind (as far as wanting to keep it possible that we could get back together). I didn't so much as flirt or pick anyone up or ask for anyones number. All the while she was ****ing around so much. I hate it!

 

It's been 4 months now that we've been kind of back together - hanging out, sleeping together etc. I've been trying to get these people she slept with out of my head, but its hard. It made it even harder that she kept in touch with the guy she dated for a month until April - that infuriated me. She insisted they were "friends" and that I can't control her. And that we weren't back together (although we talk all day and spend so much time together).

 

I'm just so angry and resentful toward this girl. As if she wasn't so much before we broke up that needed forgiving and healing. Now she has added all this to the list, all while claiming she "did nothing wrong and I left her".

 

How do I get over my anger? I just have so much of it for months now it's not healthy. I am just filled with so much hate! But leaving her makes me so sad and depressed and I'm sure she's some sort of soul mate. I was gone for 5 months and I wasn't interest in anyone else and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I feel like I have no choice but to overcome these hurdles because I just don't want to be without her.

[FilterCoffee]

How do I get over my anger?

By finding another woman.

 

I feel like I have no choice but to overcome these hurdles because I just don't want to be without her.

You do have a choice. You don’t have to be with her. The anger is never going to go away so I suggest you end this first and start looking for someone else.

[DKT3]

When you are in a relationship with someone who is sleeping with other people and telling you, you cant control me, its code for I have no intention on being faithful. If you continue then you are accepting that behavior.

 

No healthy relationship to be had here, it will be a toxic mess right to the end, question is when will you end it? On a side note, its likely this behavior didn't just start, it most likely been like this the whole time. Many other men would be my guess

[Chilli]

Your asking yourself to get over something that would be down right unnatural to get over.

She should have been waiting for you the same as you were for her if she really wanted this and if not then l wouldn't want her back.

Not only was it toxic and sounded way too one sided before anyway but she can't even wait a few mths not once but 3 times.

Man why would you even consider going back.

 

Somewhere out there is a women that deserves you for you. That's the one you want don't waste yourself on this.

Good luck

[randomname2018]

Well to be fair to the situation, we did break up when I left. I didn't tell her I was coming back or when I was coming back. Only that I needed space to myself to refill my buckets and that I didn't want to be with anyone else.

 

These 3 instances happened when we were broken up. When I came back to try to win her over again she said I can't just expect to dictate who she's talking to. She wasn't dating this guy anymore when I came back to town, just texting him still. She stopped talking to this guy about a month ago but I'm so angry that she kept in communication with him so long. I'm angry that she was able to have these one night stands weeks after I left when I was too timid and closed off to even flirt with another girl. Telling me she was single and she can do whatever she wants. The worst part is she accuses me of lying saying that if it's true I didn't sleep with anyone during our time apart "it's only because I didn't have the opportunity to". No, it was my choice.

 

I'm sure people have split up before, dated other people, and gotten back together?

 

I can't get her out of my mind. When I left it was a are

ak up and for all those months I couldn't stop thinking about her and missing her. I feel like she missed me as well she just dealt with it differently. It sucks. It's hard to live with. My question is how do I cope with these negative thoughts and try to see the good in us again?

Edited May 16, 2018 by randomname2018

[BluesPower]

Well to be fair to the situation, we did break up when I left. I didn't tell her I was coming back or when I was coming back. Only that I needed space to myself to refill my buckets and that I didn't want to be with anyone else.

 

These 3 instances happened when we were broken up. When I came back to try to win her over again she said I can't just expect to dictate who she's talking to. She wasn't dating this guy anymore when I came back to town, just texting him still. She stopped talking to this guy about a month ago but I'm so angry that she kept in communication with him so long. I'm angry that she was able to have these one night stands weeks after I left when I was too timid and closed off to even flirt with another girl. Telling me she was single and she can do whatever she wants. The worst part is she accuses me of lying saying that if it's true I didn't sleep with anyone during our time apart "it's only because I didn't have the opportunity to". No, it was my choice.

 

I'm sure people have split up before, dated other people, and gotten back together?

 

I can't get her out of my mind. When I left it was a are

ak up and for all those months I couldn't stop thinking about her and missing her. I feel like she missed me as well she just dealt with it differently. It sucks. It's hard to live with. My question is how do I cope with these negative thoughts and try to see the good in us again?

 

Brother, you are delusional...

 

You have some fantasy in your head that you actually had a relationship with this girl.

 

As soon as you were gone, she started sleeping around, you think she only had those 2 ONS? Please.

 

And then the is actually DATING another guy for a month????? What happened to that guy that she was not interested in?

 

Listen, your thinking is just not good about this whole thing. You got together too quick and started living together right away. Then the fighting all the time... Dude, she does not want you.

 

Do you understand that? You need to let this go, and get on with your life.

 

Frankly, this type of obsession is kind of creepy, have you thought of that?

 

You need to move on and grow up and then find the girl of your dreams, THIS ONE IS NOT HER...

[randomname2018]

@ Blues

 

I understand where you are coming from. I could write pages about our relationship. We lived together for 2 years. I'm just kind of brushing the surface of what's going on now. I appreciate your input though, some of what you said is what I need to hear.

 

I do feel like I am codependent. I'm attached to her and it's hard to separate. She's different in that regard and that's ok. The fact that she would welcome me back into her life after leaving her says something about her love for me I believe. She's extremely attractive and really has her choice of men.

[Rockdad]

2 years and in that short time lots of fighting, arguing, driven to counseling, then the need to walk out but "She's extremely attractive and really has her choice of men"

 

Ya and so what that she is extremely attractive. Clearly it's not working, you don't get along, you two are not problem solvers or there wouldn't be blocking communication. You are miserable living there or you wouldn't have bolted. Now there is resentment and anger piled on top of the mess you started with. Having a pretty girlfriend may boost your male pride but it doesn't mean your relationship won't be forever on the rocks.

[randomname2018]

Well we also have a really strong connection. But yes sometimes things get really heated.

Why does love have to be so hard

[Zahara]

Well we also have a really strong connection. But yes sometimes things get really heated.

Why does love have to be so hard

 

If you had a strong connection you wouldn’t be where you are. People often confuse toxicity as a connection/passion. You both were toxic from the get go so if you did have a connection it’s defintely an unhealthy one.

 

You identified yourself as co-dependent. It would be best to work on your issues rather than cling to what triggers you negatively.

 

This doesn’t equate to love.

[preraph]

Before any of the sleeping around, you two weren't getting along anyway, so I say let her go and move on with life.

[randomname2018]

I tried to let her go. We were apart for 5 months. I couldn't stop thinking about her and missing her. I didn't want to be with anyone else.

 

Now I can't stop thinking about these men she's slept with. It's so painful. It's the first thing that pops into my head when I wake up. I try to meditate to clear my head but it just doesn't go away. It makes me so sad and depressed and angry and anxious. I'm regret my decisions and hate myself. I've known about these men for 6 months now. The thoughts don't go away.

 

How do people let go? How do people move on? How do people forgive the past?

 

The only time I'm at peace is when I'm sleeping. Being awake just isn't fun anymore. I want to be happy and with her.

 

When I'm with her I'm anxious and mad, when I'm not with her I'm sad and depressed. I can't win. I hate that I can't do this right. I hate that I can't be happy with her. I hate that I can't be happy without her. I've been deeply depressed for so long about this now.

 

How do I heal???

[BluesPower]

@ Blues

 

I understand where you are coming from. I could write pages about our relationship. We lived together for 2 years. I'm just kind of brushing the surface of what's going on now. I appreciate your input though, some of what you said is what I need to hear.

 

I do feel like I am codependent. I'm attached to her and it's hard to separate. She's different in that regard and that's ok. The fact that she would welcome me back into her life after leaving her says something about her love for me I believe. She's extremely attractive and really has her choice of men.

 

Listen, I am going to try one more time...

 

Is does not matter about anything that you said in this reply.

 

All beautiful women have their choice of men. THIS IS NOT GOING TO CHOOSE YOU.

 

That is the bottom line, YOU are not the one. Yes you had a relationship, and it is over.

 

And I mean what I say, dude, you need some therapy.

 

You are moping around with a girl that is actively dating other people and sleeping around with god knows how many guys.

 

You have got to let this go...

[Zahara]

I tried to let her go. We were apart for 5 months. I couldn't stop thinking about her and missing her. I didn't want to be with anyone else.

 

Now I can't stop thinking about these men she's slept with. It's so painful. It's the first thing that pops into my head when I wake up. I try to meditate to clear my head but it just doesn't go away. It makes me so sad and depressed and angry and anxious. I'm regret my decisions and hate myself. I've known about these men for 6 months now. The thoughts don't go away.

 

How do people let go? How do people move on? How do people forgive the past?

 

The only time I'm at peace is when I'm sleeping. Being awake just isn't fun anymore. I want to be happy and with her.

 

When I'm with her I'm anxious and mad, when I'm not with her I'm sad and depressed. I can't win. I hate that I can't do this right. I hate that I can't be happy with her. I hate that I can't be happy without her. I've been deeply depressed for so long about this now.

 

How do I heal???

 

You heal by removing yourself from this situation. I don't think you've given yourself enough time to heal your wounds. I felt pain for more than a year after my breakup and during that time chose to push forward rather than revisit my ex. I could have easily gone back and found comfort in him but I knew things weren't going to change.

 

You run back to her because you can't stomach your pain. You seek her because you think she can soothe your wounds. She can't fill your void. She can't do that for you. There is no easy fix. The only way is to embrace the pain of moving on, for as long as it takes but trust that the process does get you to the other side. You have to give the grieving and healing process a chance.

 

You said you want to be happy with her. You need to let that go and face your reality. Those kind of expectations leave you deluded and holding on for longer than you should.

Edited May 18, 2018 by Zahara

[BemusedConfused]

Get yourself another girlfriend. Rent one if you have to. Once she sees you moving on, you'll suddenly become attractive again.

 

It's b/c you're doing all the work, it makes you too available. You have to create the space that you're GONE. That will cause her to think independently if she really wants you. Right now, by doing all the work, you're not creating that space for her to make up her mind.She can have you and every guy she fancies. And right now, by doing the things you're doing, worse still, you're losing her respect.

 

And when I say be gone, be really gone. Like a year gone. In that year, make sure you have or make a damn good show you have moved on. Appear in interesting places, with or without your girl, even if alone, live the best life you know how. And make sure she sees all you're doing. And until she has come to terms within herself that she wants to be with you, you can't make up her mind for her. Doing this will make you 100x more attractive. Pretend, be a actor deserving an Oscar, live out your best life, I promise you she'll come running back if she really likes you. But you HAVE TO HOLD OUT and not fall into a relationship immediately with her once she raises the topic, make her EARN it but at the same time, you have to be decent to her but with distance. Even after/if you guys get back, never let it seem that you are too available and willing to put up with all the **** she dishes out.

 

I know, because I was once that girl.

 

Good luck!

Edited May 22, 2018 by BemusedConfused

[randomname2018]

Bemused

I get what you are saying. However if she sees that I have moved on she will just sleep with more people. Not talk to her for a year?! She’ll have a another bf by that time for sure. She’ll have the space to forget about me.

 

What you are saying is what I tried to do for a month while we were apart. I lived the best life I could and was successful (missed her but didn’t post about it). What did she do in this time? Found a rebound. And then resented me later for trying to enjoy my life during that month.

 

The person I’m dealing with doesn’t liked to be one up’d. If she thinks im having fun or seeing someone new she’ll try to 10x up me on it.

 

I don’t want to play games and cause more damage.

[randomname2018]

I ****ing hate myself in this relationship. This girl drives me crazy. She was hurt that I responded to a text with”ok” instead of something more thoughtful and loving. Ok I get that. But it’s turned into a massive two day drama and she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and is saying I’m a piece of **** and she’s done. She doesn’t even want to talk on the phone. She’s ignoring texts and just saying how awful I am.

 

I ****ing hate myself.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I ****ing hate myself.

 

For what?

 

This girl is not your soul mate.

 

Emotional angst is not the same thing as emotional connection. Don't confuse the two.

 

You will NEVER get over your disgust about her being with men during your split. Don't even try. Just move on.

[BemusedConfused]

May I know if you were in contact with her in that 5 months? It has to be NO CONTACT.

 

You CANNOT CARE what she is doing.

 

My advice is hard to do, I get it. But it would save you so much precious time and a girl out there who is looking for a guy just like you. You are in your thirties, I wish I had my thirties back. So many meaningful things to do, so many people to help, so many injustices to fight, so much happiness on the other side of where you are right now.

 

Random, you HAVE TO KNOW HOW PRECIOUS TIME IS AND HOW LITTLE EACH OF US HAVE OF IT. TO WASTE IT ON THIS..... IS PAINFUL TO WITNESS. But this is always the advantage of hindsight and I cant force it on you.

Edited May 23, 2018 by BemusedConfused

[fieldoflavender]

You won't get over the disgust and jealousy. I think it refers to deeper issues. I got really really jealous over my ex but it wasn't even about that one girl or something in his past. IT ended up I just needed a scapegoat and I didn't want to be with him anymore.

[BaileyB]

This relationship is so unhealthy for you both. You sound more like mortal enemies than soul mates... You need to let this one go...

[RedOlive]

randomname2018, it's been a little while since you last post and I wanted to check in see how you were dong.

 

I could have written your exact post, except i'm the woman who had an eerily similar experience with my toxic long distance boyfriend. This was (and now is again) a very unhealthy relationship where I caught him lying on many occasions. When you say that being apart, even for 5 months, is extremely painful to the point where you can't tolerate it, I can relate. I felt exactly the same. While i was trying to work on myself and become better, he was dating and sleeping with other women shortly after we took time apart.

 

I am getting much of the same advise you have been given here. None of it has worked for me yet. Yes, i'm in therapy. Yes, i've tried CODA meetings to see if they fit (they don't). I've read everything there is to read on toxic relationships and betrayal bonding. It's been really discouraging to find out that none of it made a dent in how awfully miserable I felt even after 4 months of complete no contact.

 

Currently I am back with my ex, and I feel exactly the way you do. I'm constantly anxious, angry and hate myself in this relationship. Somehow it is still better than leaving. It's been going on for months now and we do share a happy moment here and there, but overall i'm an anxious resentful mess. It's starting to affect my physical health.

 

As everyone said, I think there is little hope to improve this situation other than leave it (even though my boyfriend claims he'll do anything to work on us). But I can't. It's like the worst addiction.

 

Would love to hear how you are progressing and if you managed to come to any decisions about your toxic relationship.

Edited July 3, 2018 by RedOlive

[MajesticCoffeeLover]

I know I am super late in reading your post but for real...you broke up and she took that as. "Ok you don't want me...but I know other people do." By moving out you showed that you didn't care and you said you never gave her a timeline or assurance you would be back. She was supposed to wait for you? She isn't married to you so she is a free woman if you guys were broken up.

 

Also...she started seeing guys right after which means she had been preparing for a break up for a long time. She grieved over the relationship long ago and was ready to be with other men.

 

Find a woman that will treat you right and cherish your relationship. If you are just with her for her looks...that is a very shallow reason. Might be cool to show her off to family and friends but if when you get home things are hell...you got to move on.