f8thfulone Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 (edited) Hey hey hey. I dated a guy off and on for 3 years. He was terribly immature and not ready for a serious long term committed relationship. The off and on nature of the relationship got on my nerves and I knew it wasn't what I wanted long term. I wanted to get married, have a family and begin building a life with someone. The last time we were off, I walked away. I began dating someone new. I quickly got engaged after about 10 months of dating this new man. And did my best to move on. Ex and I had been in touch while I was dating the new guy, but I wouldn't sleep with him, talk to him on the phone or accept any of his invites out. We texted and that was it. The last time he asked me out, I told him I was engaged. He congratulated me. Over the next two weeks I felt like I'd made a mistake by accepting a proposal from the new guy, because I did in fact still love my ex. But I literally lost it. I slipped into a deep depression. I cut all communication with the ex for about 10 months, until he found me on social media and messaged me. I responded and we exchanged information again. I'd broken up with the fiance and wanted to immediately begin fixing things with the ex boyfriend. He never said he wanted to repair things, just that he was happy I accepted his invite to call. We did this awkward dance for 2 years. I felt like I was chasing him. I eventually stopped reaching out to him, then he started reaching out to me sporadically. When I found myself slipping back into sadness and old patterns, I blocked him and left it alone. 8 months later...I'd taken him off the block about 6 weeks earlier and I pocket dialed him. Once I'd realized what I'd done, I thought nothing of it and for sure he'd ignore it and I went to bed. We talked and it seemed like I was talking to a whole different person. He talked about how he'd been thru some things and he'd grown up and was more mature. He mentioned he'd dated someone else at some period during the 5 years (he's not a relationship type person). Then the shocker, he asked me on a date. He reminisced on the good times in our relationship and when it was at its best. I'm trying to figure out the sincerity of the request and if I'm crazy for entertaining it, and...why he felt he had to tell me about his other ex. Edited March 21, 2018 by f8thfulone missing info. Link to post Share on other sites
zombi24 Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 Ex and I had been in touch while I was dating the new guy, but I wouldn't sleep with him, talk to him on the phone or accept any of his invites out. We texted and that was it. This was your big mistake, for a couple of reasons. One; it didn't allow you to properly move on from him. You were still in each others lives and it wasn't really doing either of you any good. Two; even though you didn't talk or sleep with the ex, you were still in contact with him without the new guy's knowledge I assume. Feelings were also still there, so you were emotionally cheating on this guy. It also seems like you rushed into things with the new guy, maybe in an attempt to get over the ex, but that's another topic. I'm trying to figure out the sincerity of the request and if I'm crazy for entertaining it, and...why he felt he had to tell me about his other ex. He probably just mentioned his ex to you because she's more recent and you two are talking civilly to one another. You haven't dated in 5 years, he probably didn't think it'd be an issue to mention it to you. I don't have all the info here, but it sounds like you might be reading too much into it. Did he say "will you go on a date with me?" or did he just ask you to hang out. Based on all the stuff you've given it sounds like he's just being friendly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author f8thfulone Posted March 21, 2018 Author Share Posted March 21, 2018 Oh yes. I know I muddied the waters dealing with the both of them at the same time. He asked if I was single and if I'd go out with him. He then went on to tell me how he told his friend we'd talked, and his friend was happy we were back in contact and they were rooting for us to be together. Back story is we both established still having feelings for one another about a year after reconnecting. Throughout the time we reconnected, he's never asked me out, hang out, nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author f8thfulone Posted March 21, 2018 Author Share Posted March 21, 2018 Mind you, I responded to the text after the pocket dial. We chatted a bit via text, then he asked me to call him that night. I did and we talked that night, the next night and a few days from then. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I will probably be against the grain on this one but I think you need to go out with him again, if nothing else than to have resolved and completed this chapter in your life. And who knows? Maybe you've both matured to the point of being ready to make an earnest effort again. Link to post Share on other sites
bluecastle Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I agree with healing. Whether it's healthy or not, you both have not been able to let go of each other. Go out, hang out, date, whatever—see if there's something there, something mutually sustainable. Maybe there is, maybe not—either way you'll get the resolution you've been searching for for years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author f8thfulone Posted March 21, 2018 Author Share Posted March 21, 2018 That's true. It's so weird. I measure every guy I've dated to him and no one ever fits the build. He's not this flawless perfect person, but the connection we shared, I haven't been able to find. I'm confident to some extent he feels the same way too. He sends me a picture of a plant I gave him 7 years ago that he still has. He's not the most expressive or emotional. That's why his friend is in support of the reconnection. I am the first woman he's ever showed emotion for, fell in love with, etc. The initial break up was a mess. He called me inebriated, telling me he thought we were going to get married, etc. and I never knew he'd even considered that. Resolution is what I seek to find, so I can move on, guilt free or we can begin to build something that we both want. Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 I hope it goes well and he has changed, but be careful and take real note of his growth. Are words and actions always aligned, is he reliable, considerate, and thoughtful of your needs, will he put you first? I don't care if it's just a date and too early to expect anything -- I just went through 2.5 years off and on, hot and cold, and he's changed a bit but not enough and still pushes back when we get too close. Because of his issues in general, not because of anything I'm doing. I also want to be married and have kids and can't waste further time if those are my goals. Mine will probably be ready eventually, but very doubtful it will be on my timeline. I think you'll know a lot faster this time if things can work as long as you stay level-headed and don't let reconciliation honeymoon emotions carry you away. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Ask yourself if the problems that led to the breakup are basic personality conflicts or are things that experience and maturity might fix. Ask yourself if any issues he had with you have changed or if you are still that same person he had issues with. Because even if he has changed, the same things will still bother him, more than likely. If it was mainly him and things that were dealbreakers, you need to find out if he's really changed. Change does not come easy. If it's a basic personality thing, that isn't ever going to change. If it's he wouldn't help around the house, frankly ask him if he does his part now or not and hope he's honest with you. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 If he's not a relationship person (by your own admission), why bother? Link to post Share on other sites
Author f8thfulone Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 If he's not a relationship person (by your own admission), why bother? Meaning he doesn’t just hop into a situation just because. Relationships are a big deal to him. If you’re his girl, he’s considering marriage, but the issue was...it would be on his time. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 Meaning he doesn’t just hop into a situation just because. Relationships are a big deal to him. If you’re his girl, he’s considering marriage, but the issue was...it would be on his time. That one line right there ^ says it all. He is not fit for a relationship because it all has to be his way. A relationship requires compromise and being able to work through problems. You're not a dog he's fostering and deciding whether to adopt. You get to have input into the relationship. It sounds like he is too controlling to allow for another person in his life making decisions and having 50/50 say. So this is a big huge red flag. One you shouldn't gloss over simply because he's rarely had relationships. That's because no one much would put up with him, not because of some virtue of his 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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