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GF came back, then I snooped and everything's resurfaced.


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 8th March 2018, 9:25 AM   #16
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He said around the time...

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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
I'm a little confused on the timing.

You recently found the notes but what were the dates of the notes? If the notes were dated when the initial trouble started & during the time you were apart, the only thing to be upset about is that she still has them. I understand why finding them would have triggered your upset feelings but you have to focus on the fact that she picked you over him.

If the notes are more recent, indicating that she is still in contact with this guy even after having reconciled with you, then you need to just walk away because she never fully came back.
He said around the time... so if it was before/after the trip then she was cheating.

And the whole trip thing is just so out of line to start with.

Who cares if she picked him if she was cheating?
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:32 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
He said around the time... so if it was before/after the trip then she was cheating.

And the whole trip thing is just so out of line to start with.

Who cares if she picked him if she was cheating?
He took her back after the cheating. So he was OK to put it behind them. Unless the issue is that she told him it was no big deal but now based on the discovery of these notes, he's finding out there was something to the other relationship. But, if the OP & the girl broke up over the trip and after they were official apart she took up with the other guy, it's not cheating.

Again, I'm not clear about the timing of some of these events.
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:57 AM   #18
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I get you...

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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
He took her back after the cheating. So he was OK to put it behind them. Unless the issue is that she told him it was no big deal but now based on the discovery of these notes, he's finding out there was something to the other relationship. But, if the OP & the girl broke up over the trip and after they were official apart she took up with the other guy, it's not cheating.

Again, I'm not clear about the timing of some of these events.
I get you. I am confused as well.

For me, the fact that she went on a spooning vacation with another guy is reason to break up and stay that way.

I think he broke up during the trip.

My point is, we all know she lied and slept with the guy and for GF's you should never take them back as a rule.

My 2 cents...
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Old 8th March 2018, 1:01 PM   #19
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This is a communication problem, and it's why it's hard to get back together with anyone. The air has to be fully cleared first, and it's difficult to do that with someone you may have had a communication breakdown with to begin with.

I wouldn't tell her about the letters (I keep all my old things like that, though I never look at them, and it means zero about any new relationships except I don't like throwing personal items out). But I would bring it up. Kind of like: things have been really great between us lately. I'm happy and recognize and appreciate how you've been a great partner since we got back together, and I want things to keep going in that direction. So I hope I can open up to you and we can communicate better about what happened during the break up than we did before, because I really want to leave it behind us but a couple things are still bothering me. I want to work through them instead of letting them fester now that I think we're close enough again to have a conversation like that and continue building trust.

It will be nerve wracking to bring up, but if you really are on the right track now then it shouldn't be as big a deal for her to participate in the conversation this time -- especially if you make her feel secure in the relationship first and not like you're going to attack her about it. Acknowledge you have your short comings too, and you don't want this to forever be a background issue making you insecure, so you'll feel better if you talk and then it's on you to deal with it for good and not hold against her. (This approach assumes she never cheated.)
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Old 8th March 2018, 2:57 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Again, I'm not clear about the timing of some of these events.
The way I understand it is that she decided to go on vacation with the guy (who was pursuing her) while she and OP were together, against his wishes, and he broke up while they were away. She portrays it as innocent because she considers him a platonic friend, and claims they did not have sex.

OP doesn't have any way of knowing if they slept together or were "dating" other than her word... but in the letters the other guy calls it a relationship and says he hopes it's not over. The notes he found seem to indicate that there was more to it than the way she billed it. Regardless of whether they did the deed or didn't, she seems to think that taking off with the other guy was something she should've been able to get away with under the "platonic" exemption, and that the breakup was not justified... an overreaction on his part.

OP is stuck between his desire to have his girlfriend back, knowing that she left with the other guy without regard for his feelings, respect, or the consequences. They're back together, but he's struggling with the ambiguity of what this was, what actually happened between them, and not knowing if the gf is telling the truth or playing him for a schmuck.
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Old 8th March 2018, 3:06 PM   #21
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OP


If salparadise's explanation is correct, she is playing you for a schmuck to use his words. You are kind of her fall back position. You took her back thinking she was telling you the truth but these letters seem to indicate that the relationship with the other guy was way more serious / involved then you had been lead to believe. I don't think I'd give her a 3rd chance if I were you.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:44 PM   #22
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I'm a little confused on the timing.

You recently found the notes but what were the dates of the notes? If the notes were dated when the initial trouble started & during the time you were apart, the only thing to be upset about is that she still has them. I understand why finding them would have triggered your upset feelings but you have to focus on the fact that she picked you over him.

If the notes are more recent, indicating that she is still in contact with this guy even after having reconciled with you, then you need to just walk away because she never fully came back.
The notes are from a gift delivery of some sort. It’s deliveries a week a part. The letters correspond to 30 days after our BU and into about 2 weeks of NC. She had finally gathered her things from my place. I went silent. Around the time the gifts were sent she was sending me breadcrumbs, which I was ignoring.

It’s funny how these notes provide some insight of what was going on while I was suffering, but disciplined in NC. The tone of the two notes were all apologetic, but it seemed as though she had been ignoring him. He’s responding and sort of being needy.

A week or two after the last note was when she made an attempt to meet with me to return something insignificant. That led to our reunion date and several more afterwards.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:52 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
He took her back after the cheating. So he was OK to put it behind them. Unless the issue is that she told him it was no big deal but now based on the discovery of these notes, he's finding out there was something to the other relationship. But, if the OP & the girl broke up over the trip and after they were official apart she took up with the other guy, it's not cheating.

Again, I'm not clear about the timing of some of these events.
I stopped returning her calls the day she left on the trip. Had bad vibes from the start. She emailed me to confront me about ignoring calls and from there I just ended things. This was before I even knew about another guy even being there. We fought on email for a bit and her take was “you just broke up with me. I don’t have to explain anything”

She explained herself and pegged me as insecure and said there were other the ppl there. The guy is only a friend, etc.

The notes were dated after our BU and I was in NC. Maybe two months after all the drama started.
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:05 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
The way I understand it is that she decided to go on vacation with the guy (who was pursuing her) while she and OP were together, against his wishes, and he broke up while they were away. She portrays it as innocent because she considers him a platonic friend, and claims they did not have sex.

OP doesn't have any way of knowing if they slept together or were "dating" other than her word... but in the letters the other guy calls it a relationship and says he hopes it's not over. The notes he found seem to indicate that there was more to it than the way she billed it. Regardless of whether they did the deed or didn't, she seems to think that taking off with the other guy was something she should've been able to get away with under the "platonic" exemption, and that the breakup was not justified... an overreaction on his part.

OP is stuck between his desire to have his girlfriend back, knowing that she left with the other guy without regard for his feelings, respect, or the consequences. They're back together, but he's struggling with the ambiguity of what this was, what actually happened between them, and not knowing if the gf is telling the truth or playing him for a schmuck.
She left telling me her and a girlfriend were going. I knew about the guy previously. She complained to me that he posted a pic of them together on his social media page and made him take it down. I never saw the guy as a threat. GF is 5’9”, tall and lean. The guy is maybe 5’6”, short and chubby. When I accused her of sleeping with him she got offended. I took the just “friends” thing at her word. She was also inviting me to fly in when she first got there. I was suspicious of the whole thing and was just over it. More like “when you get back come and get your things. Hope everything works out”
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Old 9th March 2018, 8:35 AM   #25
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Then the only "evidence" you have is that while she was a free woman, she dated somebody else. While there is some indication that her involvement with the other guy may have begun before that you don't know for sure. So it comes down to this -- do you believe her? If you do, you need to put this behind you & not look back. If you don't, you need to break up. There isn't anything she can do or say to make you change your mind if you are skeptical so save yourself the drama & wasted energy of trying to make her prove a negative.
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Old 10th March 2018, 6:12 PM   #26
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This is very confusing.

She says you were broken up while she was on the trip and it's none of your business whom she sees, but then swears she hasn't slept with anyone while you were broken up. These are contradictory arguments. Because if she claims she didn't do anything and wants you back, why hurting you with the "It's none of your business" attitude?

The second confusing thing is this shady "relationship" with this guy. Why will a guy put pics of them together in social media, to create an improssion that they are together? Only a really mentally ill guy, or a criminal stalker would do that... definitely not a friend. So why does she call him "a friend"?

Anyway... Nothing has changed since you took her back. Only in your head. If you believed back then that he was just a friend, what has changed? The cards says the same story you knew before... And why do you care about this short guy? Maybe she was lonely while traveling and slept with other guys for comfortation... You were not together, and you were dating too...
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Old 20th March 2018, 4:43 AM   #27
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Here is my take on the situation.
She went on a trip and he was suspicious of it so they broke up.
She then hooked up with the very man he was having doubts about but it didn't work out. She came running back and he took her back but wanted to know the truth about the other man.
She told him nothing ever happened but in the back of his mind something occurred.
He ends up finding evidence that supported his original claim that something was going on between them when he had original sensed it.
Now here's the problem. Even if they slept together when she wasn't with him it confirms that he was indeed right about his original fear- that something more was going on.
I think at the end of the day you just can't trust her due to her lying.
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Old 20th March 2018, 1:00 PM   #28
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Keep her as a fwb as you look to date other women.

If you can't handle your feelings or keep them at bay, then let her go. Don't let her think she can do what she wants and still get to keep you.
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Old 20th March 2018, 2:43 PM   #29
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And as I said it in the other thread...Your "girl" be monkey branching!
She even sent you pics of the "bed" and spooning crap!

So...Now she got the NC and she wants you back under her thumb. I told you, no way. You needed NC and then what do you do...You take her back.

DO NOT TALK MARRIAGE. Period. She is too young and has crap for boundaries. The last few months have been good and that is swell. But She will ALWAYS be on the prowl for a "better gig" and more spooning beds...Sorry, but it's true.

Now don't be a jerk and confront her. You already know what you know. Just keep her in GF status and enjoy snuggles and horizontal hula while you get it...Who knows, maybe when she matures in a few years, she may be the real deal.

BUT>>>>>NO MARRIAGE with this one. It will be the downfall of you. Guaranteed
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Old 20th March 2018, 4:23 PM   #30
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Personally? It sounds like the guy is an orbiter, made a move, and was rejected and now is hoping that their "relationship" isn't affected (orbiters cannot bear to call it "friendship", so they call it a "relationship" instead, as in an interpersonal relationship, not the intimate romantic kind).

Quite frankly, it sounds like you're a tad controlling for her taste, and that she fears that knowing the orbiter made a move will only stoke those controlling tendencies and will prevent her from going on those group trips because the orbiter happens to be there.

I know I'd be annoyed if my GF prevented me from seeing my friends simply because there was one who was interested in me. If I wanted to cheat, I didn't need to wait for a holiday with a group of people to do so.
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